An Android Among The Stars #15: Here's the Pitch.

Greetings puny organics.

Remulak told me to check out the latest rant by Libertas blogger Dirty Harry about Hollywood's overwhelmingly anti-American stance.

Well as a logical being, I found it hard to believe that Earthlings who enjoy wealth, fame and success far beyond their talents or intellect would be so suicidal as to take the side of the opposition in an existential struggle as the current war against Islamist fascism. So I decided to investigate it myself by listening in on what's called a pitch meeting between a writer and a studio executive.

WRITER- You're gonna love this idea, it's got everything, action, romance, special effects, it's got that 'ripped from the headlines' kinda vibe and is so tight not even Brett Ratner can ruin it.

EXEC- My nipples are hard just hearing about it. What's the title?

WRITER- It's called "Dirty Bomb."

EXEC- Love it, love it, it sounds dirty. What's the plot?

WRITER- An American soldier on leave from Iraq, played by Matt Damon, discovers that Islamic terrorists are going to set off a dirty bomb in the middle of a mid-western American city. Then it's a race against time for him to stop the plot and save the woman he loves, played by Jessica Alba.

EXEC- Love it! I love it. If that script was a woman I would cheat on my wife with it.

WRITER- Then we have a deal?

EXEC- Hell no.

WRITER- What's wrong with it?

EXEC- Nothing. I love the script. I truly, madly and deeply love the script. If it was a man, I would turn gay and we'd get married in Massachusetts. But there's no way in hell this, or any other, studio in Hollywood is going to make that film.

WRITER- Why not?

EXEC- First, you have an American soldier, an Iraq war vet, as the hero. That is just so wrong on so many levels.

WRITER- What's wrong with having an American soldier as the hero?

EXEC- All American soldiers must be portrayed as psychopathic, war-mongering, uneducated redneck losers. That's the truth we see around Malibu.

WRITER- Maybe I can have him being troubled by flashbacks of gunning down a mosque full of babies.

EXEC- And make him want to set off the bomb himself, to satisfy his militarist lust for blood and carnage. Plus, you need a new villain.

WRITER- What's wrong with the villain?

EXEC- You're not allowed to show Islamist terrorist killing people.

WRITER- But Islamic terrorists kill people everyday.

EXEC- Shhh! CAIR might be listening. And if you displease them, you displease all Muslims. At least that's what they tell us. They could sue us, or kill us, and that's bad.

WRITER- Who can be the villain? Who would want to set off a dirty bomb in a mid-western city?

EXEC- German Neo-Nazis are always good in a pinch. Or they could be crazy Christians.

WRITER- Aren't you worried about offending Christians?

EXEC- Naw, they don't sue, or cut throats. We can say what we want about those inbred Bible thumping Jesus freaks and get away with it.

WRITER- How about German Neo-Nazi Christians?

EXEC- I'm liking it, I'm liking it. We certainly can't make them Pagan vegetarian socialists, they've never harmed anyone. Oh, and make them connected to Republicans and Global Warming.


EXEC- We have to make the Republicans look bad. So have the head Neo-Nazi Christian look like Dick Cheney. And instead of German, let's make them Southern Americans, we don't want to offend the German market. Them Southern hillbillies are too busy burning books and humping their cousins to go to the movies anymore.

WRITER- Okay. But why include Global Warming?

EXEC- Because I have a sh*tload of stock in Al Gore's company, and I gotta sell a lot of offsets to be forgiven for my stretch Escalade.

WRITER- Sounds reasonable.

EXEC- And make sure that it all comes out that it's really a CIA front operation. Some kind of Reichstag fire deal to make America the fascist dictatorship it is today.

WRITER- Gotcha. Anything else?

EXEC- Let's see, we have a psychotic American soldier fighting a bunch of Southern Neo-Nazis for the right to set off a bomb for the CIA, thus allowing an evil right wing-coup to destroy the country. Sounds about right. And be sure to have someone looking wistfully at the flag and give a speech about how great America used to be, you know, before the Republicans came along. We don't want anyone questioning our patriotism.

WRITER- It's a pretty major rewrite.

EXEC- All you have to remember kid is that Republicans are evil, and you'll go far in Hollywood.


Well, that was very.... illuminating.




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Anonymous said...

Dear lord, how did you listen in on the plot for "Shooter"? Truely your technology is beyond our ken.

Michael L. Wentz said...

That was great! One of my strongest specs deals with terrorism -- you can't believe the looks I get from people. I can totally relate.