TEKTAK- Thank, you thank you all for coming. I'd say how great it is to be here, but momma didn't program no liars. We were brought here today to honour a great man, a wonderful man, a man of great charity, wisdom, generosity, and let's not mince words, raw sex appeal. Too bad Remulak vaporized him!


TEKTAK- Let's meet our guest of dishonour, the man who needs no introduction, because all he does is brag about himself, REMULAK MOXARGON!

(Moxargon enters takes the 'hot seat.')

TEKTAK- Great to see you Remulak, the embalmers did a wonderful job.

(Moxargon laughs, everyone else then laughs)

TEKTAK- Let the roasting begin! Our first roaster is a genuine class act, in fact, one of his first acts was to rob his kindergarten class. Let's hear it for space pirate and raconteur Xran the Fleshrender!

(Xran takes the podium)

XRAN- I've known Remulak Moxargon a long time. A long, long, long, painful, boring, and obnoxious time. And let me tell you something folks, there's a warm-hearted and kind human being inside Remulak Moxargon, I know this because I saw him eat one for breakfast.

(Everyone laughs)

XRAN- What can be said about Remulak that hasn't already been screamed out by his victims? Not much, and definitely nothing that can be said while Damian G's in the room.

(Eveyone except Damian G. laughs)

XRAN- Sure I could come here, and tell you embarrassing stories of our days in school, but you don't get to live as long as I have by doing that. Remulak, you're a discredit to homicidal intergalactic despots everywhere. And I'd say a hell of a lot more, but since we're charging you for the booze, I'm going to stay on your good side tonight!

(Everyone laughs)

TEKTAK- Next up, is a man whose blog has been condemned by the ACLU as a new form of police brutality, the pride of the Philadelphia PD, which shows what bad shape they're in Wyatt Earp!

(Wyatt Earp takes the podium, drink in hand)

WYATT EARP- Remulak Moxargon has many accomplishments to his credit: he is the ruler of the known universe, editor-in-chief of a highly-successful blog, and the first living organism with an ass for a head. Nice skull, Mox: I've seen better heads on a pint of beer!

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- I kid Mox, in part because I would like to be one of the lucky ones left alive after his conquest of Earth. Of course, he has been planning this "conquest" longer than Rosie O'Donnell has been a lesbian, but perfection takes time, right folks?

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- But seriously, who else can whittle the branches of info-tainment like our Supreme Overlord? No one, that's who - at least until our distress calls to the Jedi are answered. Until then, We who are about to die, salute you!

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- Thanks, you've been great. Try the soylent green Canadian bacon: it's HAM!!!

TEKTAK- Wyatt Earp you're as funny as getting pepper sprayed. Our next guest is definitely past his warranty, but that's never stopped him before, the ultra-logical Android Cai/7!

(ANDROID CAI/7 takes the podium)

ANDROID CAI/7- Insulting a powerful warlord like Remulak Moxargon is highly illogical. I have learned this lesson when he disintegrated my body after I tried to take over his blog, and then when he got me a new body, he programmed it to feel pain if I ever crossed him again. So I will take a more logical tack and tell you all what a truly wonderful organic entity Moxargon really is...


ANDROID CAI/7- Aaaargh! Why did you do that?

MOXARGON- Nobody likes a suck-up.

TEKTAK- Let's hear it for Android Cai/7! Yeah. That was painful for everyone. And the word painful perfectly describes the blog of our next, and youngest guest, I have to stretch this out, because he's got to come all the way from the kiddie table, living proof that if America's young people are its future, then it has no future, blogger, scholar, and before picture for Stridex Damian G.!

(Damian G. comes over from a rickety card table in the corner and takes the podium)

DAMIAN G.- We're here to pay tribute to Remulak MoxArgon, a self-described 'trans-galactic conqueror, warlord and political columnist.' Let me give you a bit of background. In August, 2005, a very drunk and horny Remulak searched for a source of pleasure. Having exhausted his pet thrax-o-frat, Remulak turned to the series of tubes known as the Innernets. There, he found Michelle Malkin and was immediately smitten. He made it his goal to know Michelle - Biblically - and to get lots of visitors not with his wit, or political analysis, but with this...

(A few giggle, more out of pity)

DAMIAN G.- Right, then. Back to teh roastage. Now, I'm not going to say Remulak is fat, but I am saying that he violates the Copernican theory, because the Sun revolves around him!

(Crickets chirp)

DAMIAN G.- Oookay. I do a pretty good impression of Remulak. BOW DOWN BEFORE MY BLUE PENIS SHAPED HEAD!!!

(Even the crickets fall silent)

DAMIAN G.- Oh god! I'm not funny! That's why girls don't like me? Aaaaaghh!

(Damian G. runs from the podium in shame)

TEKTAK- He ran so fast he put a rip in the feet of his Spongebob pyjamas. Next up, is a former member of this very blog, you all know and love him as the killing machine who has trouble getting up stairs, Dalek Drone-9099.

(DRONE-9099 takes the podium)

DRONE-9099- Exterminate! Exterminate!

(Everyone laughs.)

TEKTAK- Thanks old buddy, it's good to see that you can still deliver the funny. Up next is a blogger whose wit, beauty, grace, and fame are second to none... wait, Michelle Malkin cancelled, so you're gonna have to settle for RT.

(Everyone groans, RT takes the podium)

RT- So, we are roasting Remulak. The idea of a roasted Remulak brings many things to mind: tough to eat, hard to swallow, and a need to have Pepto-Bismol on hand.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Remulak is so starved for "attention" that his whole body is blue.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Remulak has many qualities: He's an angry sort of guy (He is a guy, right? Well, his type lacks human plumbing ya know...nothing is there, really--Ken-doll smooth, I tell ya).

MOXARGON- Wouldn't you like to know.

RT- Yeah, sure he's smarter than a rock and stronger than a ten year old, but his use of intimidation and the evil eye rivals that of a school lunch lady. His wit, however, is why I quickly skim through the MoxArgon site.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Seriously, though, Remulak's mix of humor and good sense make for a pleasant visit each time I wander by the site (after drinking lots of adult beverages and turning on the black lights).

(Everyone laughs)

TEKTAK- Thanks RT, to bad we couldn't quickly skim that routine. Whoah! Up next is eveyone's favourite fin-headed liberal and the poster child for birth control, Varos Quasar.

(Varos takes the podium)

VAROS- Thanks everyone, I've come to condemn this brutal practice of 'roasting' people! It's tantamount to torture! Which is why I brought the petition to ban roasts and....

(Trap door opens beneath Varos)

VAROS- Aaaaaaahhhhh!

TEKTAK- Let's give Varos a big hand. Not much of an act, but one hell of an exit. Our next roaster is man whose name is synonymous with the word pointless. Let's give a warm welcome to Muslihoon!


MUSLIHOON- There's been a lot of discussion about Remulak's use of Canadian spelling. Why does Remulak use The Queen's English? What else ought a queen to use?


MUSLIHOON- Remulak dyes his skin blue, out of the mistaken notion that humans will assume he has blue blood.


MUSLIHOON- Remulak's opposition to Islamism is out of frustration over the fact he will never get the boys like pearls the Qur'an promises Muslim men in heaven. Now, if there were seventeen virgin boys like pearls...Remulak would have a beard and turban by now.

(Crickets go silent)

MUSLIHOON- Come on, these are the jokes folks. How about...

(Muslihoon's bow tie starts spinning, then begins to tighten)

MUSLIHOON- Aaakk! I'm choking! Help...aaaakkk!

(Muslihoon stumbles off the stage gagging violently)

TEKTAK- I guess he choked in more ways than one. Our last roaster is up not because we're saving the best for last, but because he arrived late, Snotglob T. Mutant!

(Snotglob takes podium)

SNOTGLOB- Remulak Moxargon is worse than Hitler. So is George W. Bush!

(A large hook comes out and drags Snotglob off the stage)

TEKTAK- That was the cliché police. They're very strict. Now we can't let all this roasting happen and not let our victim, I mean roastee, get a few shots back, so let's give a big hand to the Known Universe's Absolute Ruler, Remulak Moxargon.

(Standing ovation)

MOXARGON- Thanks for coming. It's good to get all you people in one place, saves ammunition.


MOXARGON- What a night. If they did this for the terrorists held at Gitmo, they'd really be war criminals.


MOXARGON- It's good to see everyone here. Tektak, you're a sad, desperate, petty mistake of science, but you're cheap, so I'll keep you. Xran, what can I say about you? If you were uglier you'd be joining Code Pink. I can't insult Varos and Snotglob. They think being called a lefty is a compliment, and I'm not going to even try to top Drone-9099, so let's move to our Earthling guests.

MOXARGON- Wyatt Earp, not to say you're a lousy detective, but the only cases you show interest in are labelled 'Budweiser.'

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- If you ever want anyone to confess, just threaten to tell them some of your jokes. They're more effective than electroshock to the gonads.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Damian G., whose act was the real Amityville Horror, normally I'd kill someone for the type of lowbrow insults you used, but since you died horribly on stage, I don't have to.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Seriously kid, girls will like you someday. All you need is to find a girl that's your style, like Helen Keller with Paris Hilton's morals.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- RT, you do belong on the stage. Too bad it's a lower stage of evolution.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- And not to say that you have a problem with the 'adult beverages' but Wyatt Earp once gave you a breathalyser and the machine yelled: "CHEERS!" You make Lindsey Lohan look like Mother Theresa.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- And Muslihoon, what can I say. You've given new meaning to the term 'suicide bombing.'

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- But in all seriousness, you're the poster boy for decapitation. And I think all your gay jokes are a bit of the 'methinks he doth protesteth too much' if you know what I mean. So let me put it clearly, so even you can understand. MUSLIHOON: I'M STRAIGHT. WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU. RT, thanks.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Well, that's our time. I'd say I had a wonderful time, but I didn't. I would like to thank you for coming, now I know who needs my especially brutal brand of vengeance. Goodnight, and keep watching the stars, because we're watching you!


Redneck Chris said...

WOOT! That was definitely teh funny! thanks. needed that.

rightismight said...

Excellent post...loved the bombing of Damian G...SpongeBob feetie pj's...LOL

RT said...

Great! :)

Muslihoon said...

According to the rules of English grammar, including that of so-called Jacobean English, one would say "he doth protest too much" or "he protesteth too much": to say "he doth protesteth too much" is incorrect.

And "methinks" goes at the end.

Id est, to cleave close to the original quote by The Great Bard: it should be "he doth protest too much, methinks". (The original quote, by Queen Gertrude, in Shakespeare's Hamlet, is: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" (III, ii).)

So there.

Em, I am digging myself in deeper, ne c'est pas?