2.11.2008

Xran Investigates- The Obama Oppo Files!

Howdy my little Earthling friends.

Xran here, and as the internet's most respect investigative journalist, I come across many big scoops.

Normally, I'm too lazy to do anything about them, but ever since Remulak threatened convinced me to post them.

Today, I have Hillary Clinton's double top secret opposition research/dirty tricks files on her opponent Barack Obama.

Here's an excerpt:
MEMO:

To: Clinton, Hillary (candidate)
From: Peepen, Tom (director Oppo-Research)

To be blunt, things are getting down to the wire. While we still have a lead in delegates, Obama is beating us in fundraising, celebrity endorsements, and momentum.

Our attempts to imitate his style of bland platitudes and avoiding issues haven't worked, and there aren't enough tears to win any more states.

So I'm proposing we do what Clinton Democrats do best, destroy all of our enemies.

Here are some possible tactics we can unleash on the Obama campaign:
  • We spread rumours that Barack Obama is the illegitimate love child of Don Knotts and Nichelle Nichols from Star Trek.
  • Plant cocaine in Obama's hotel room.
  • Hussein! Hussein! Hussein! Hussein!
  • Plant a Koran in Obama's hotel room.
  • Keep pimping out your daughter Chelsea on the campaign trail, and freak out when anyone criticizes you about it.
  • Plant a prostitute in Obama's hotel room.
  • Figure out how to scare white people to vote for you again. Start mispronouncing Barack Obama's name as "Idi Amin."
  • If that's not nuanced enough call him "Barack Osama."
  • Plant cocaine powdered Korans in his hotel room.
  • Drug Oprah with LSD during campaign appearance.
  • Plant dead prostitute in his hotel room.
  • Spread rumours that Obama is really George W.'s long lost brother.
  • Plant drugged Oprah in Obama's hotel room.
  • Send Obama for a drive by the seaside with Teddy Kennedy.
Let me know what tactic you think is underhanded enough for this campaign.

Yours in service to our Dark Lord
-Tom Peepen
(director opposition research)
Wow, shocking stuff. Keep watching the skies, because Hillary's watching Obama.

Yikes!

1 comment:

Wyatt Earp said...

Plant cocaine powdered Korans in his hotel room.

Brilliant!