My England, My Lavatory...

A Special
View From The Afterlife
General Sir Charles James Napier
Commander in Chief of the British Army in India

Pip-pip and tally-ho to all you living folks.

It's me, you're favourite British Imperialist piss-bag popping down for a visit, because Vox Poplar left his digital Ouija board on, and hasn't changed his password yet.

Isn't technology wonderful. In my day high speed messaging was a steam engined train, or a particularly fast running messenger. But I'm not here to talk about that.

Nope. I'm here to talk about Britain, I won't call it Great Britain, because it hasn't been so great lately.

I mean what the hell is happening in my old country?

We've got the government giving handouts to polygamists, essentially endorsing the practical enslavement of women as chattel because of their religion. And don't get me started on that horse's arse of an Archbishop.

Firemen, the same people who run into burning buildings to rescue your sorry arse, are subject to around 40 violent attacks a week. The police think this is a good thing, because it was closer to 100 before, but firemen are most likely not reporting most of them anymore.

Athletes are having their sacred rights to free speech curtailed because it might offend the Chinese Communist Party.

And the icing on the cake, they're serving chocolate cake with an unhealthy sprinkling of human dung in Cardiff.

Well here's what I would do.

I would explain to the polygamists, that what they are doing is illegal in Britain, and hence put the bastards in jail until they learn their lesson. Now some of the wobbly-bottoms will wail and cry about "making a place" for people who wish to live under Sharia Law, and my answer to them is simple. There are places for people to live under Sharia Law, they're called Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. Britain is a place for British Law, and if you hate it that much, British Law says that you are free to leave.

For the people attacking the firefighters... well this will be a tad rough, but necessary. First, identify the neighbourhoods where the attacks happen the most. Then cancel all fire, ambulance, and police services in those areas, and wall the neighbourhoods in with fences and minefields. Wait until said neighbourhoods burn down, and ask the survivors if they've learnt their lesson. Because anyone who can't tell the difference between a rescuer and a target, deserves to burn.

I would also sack the people running the police, and replace them with folks with some testicular fortitude.

Now when it comes to the Chinese Communists, I would say that as a free society we have to live with being offended, and if they want to be a part of the world, they have to thicken their skin or forget it. Besides, if you don't want to be criticized for your human rights abuses, stop abusing people.

And as for the feces-cakes of Cardiff, I know the Welsh are odd ducks, but I don't think it extends that far. And how come no one seems interested in how the feces got on the cakes?

That's kind of important information, so you can prevent it from happening again.

Of course, if you push too hard, the miscreants might complain, and it seems that Britain would rather eat shit than stand up for themselves.

If you listen carefully, you can hear me spinning in my grave.

What bollocks.

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