7.22.2008

EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: REJECTED MCCAIN OP-ED!

Hello fellow Earthlings, Vox Poplar here, with an exclusive scoop. You've probably all heard that the New York Times rejected an op-ed by Republican candidate John McCain, a week after publishing an op-ed by Democratic candidate Barack Obama's speechwriters.

Now some other sites may claim to have the McCain piece, but they are all dirt stinking fibbers. Only I have the real op-ed in all its unexpurgated glory. So here it is (NSFW-Language Warning):


I'M A CRUSADER WITHOUT A CAPE!
By Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona)

Have you seen the new Batman movie?

Let me tell you, it is KICK ASS!

And it reminded me a lot about the situation the world is in right now. We got a world crawling with Jokers, trying make everyone else as miserable and koo-koo-nutso as they are, and only one man willing to fight.

And that's me.

I'm Batman!

Barack Obama is no Batman. He's not even Robin.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, I'm sure he's very nice and all that, but he's lacking that essential quality to be America's Batman.

I'm talking balls.

When it comes to foreign policy, he's as hung as a field mouse while mine are stainless steel and can crack bricks when I get my dander up. Don't let my age fool you either, even with my gimped up arms I can still make any man my dog's bitch without breaking a sweat if he so much as looks at me cock-eyed.

Of course the media treats Obama like he's the second coming, even when he makes nutless statements about not "provoking" Iran after Iran tests some new missiles.

Excuse me my soprano singing rival, but Iran's doing all the provoking.

And why should we appease them? They're the psychos, it's about time we start a new policy: APPEASE ME MOTHERFUCKERS.

Yeah, I said it, I was in navy you know.

So as your president, I will tell the world that they better get their act together, and get peaceful, or I will dispense cans of hot steaming whoop-ass left, right, and center.

See how long the jihad lasts after that.

So vote for me. Or I'll run you over with my batmobile.

Because that car was kick-ass!

3 comments:

jpm100 said...

I wish that was his.

Marvin said...

If McCain talked or acted anything close to that, then Obama would be the one trailing seven points in some polls.

cmblake6 said...

I must say, I may but suppose we're rather stuck with him. I WANT a CONSERVATIVE, damnit. Don't forget Congress, humans.