A Look Into the Future!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

The Democratic National Convention is coming up this week, and I've got an exclusive sneak peek at some of the speeches given by the Democratic candidates. First up is Obama's VP choice, Joe Biden:

JOE BIDEN, Vice Presidential Nominee

My fellow Democrats. Today we are at a momentous moment of time. A time where I, a man whose first run for President was blown out of the water by allegations of plagiarizing speeches and stories from someone else, can be redeemed, thanks to the touch of America's political messiah, Barack Obama!

It brings me back to my childhood in the hollers of West Virginia. My daddy was a coal miner, and I was married as a teenager, and my husband liked my singing and took me to Nashville, and Sissy Spacek played me in the movie. It shows that someone like me, can rise to the post of Vice President! All thanks to Barack Obama and the Democratic Party.

I bring my expertise to this team, because face it, Obama's resume is skinnier than an Olsen Twin, I mean, come on, what the hell is a "community organiser" anyway?

But with me as your next vice president, you can be assured that I will protect America from the dire threats that face it. I'm talking about threats like the horde of bloodthirsty kill-bots called the US Military, domestic oil drilling, and those damned Hindoo shopkeepers that don't know their damn place!

So let's get out there and win this election, or people will actually start thinking this country is strong!

And here's the acceptance speech by Barack Obama:

BARACK OBAMA, Democratic Presidential Nominee

My Fellow Democrats.

Today America has made a great step in transcending the things that divide us. And stand united as one country, under one eternal ruler, me.

Under my reign, such evils as global warming, talk radio, anti-terrorist operations, the conservative blogosphere, free trade, free union elections, America's democratic allies, and the US Military. The waters will recede, the sick will be healed, solely by my soaring rhetoric, and change and hope will stalk the land, the way oppression and fear stalks all fifty-seven states of this terrible, cruel, and downright mean nation.

Sure, your taxes will skyrocket, especially for the middle class, but their poverty is a small price to pay for the wonderful things that will come when all that money is dispensed to groups run by George Soros and his billionaire buddies.

And while I will not play the race card in this election, there are lots of my friends in the media who will.

So remember, if you don't vote for me, they will call you a racist.

I won't call you a racist, I'm above all that, but they will, so think twice before voting.

I may not know much about foreign policy, economics, history, or much else, but I am supremely charming and eloquent when I have a teleprompter. And that charm and scripted eloquence will no doubt convince nations like Iran, which poses no real threat, to stop threatening us with their nuclear weapons program.

I am also proud that I turned down a job on Wall Street to pursue my career as a community organiser.

Because if I had taken that job, I might have created jobs in America's predominantly minority inner cities, they'd become working middle class, and they'd probably end up voting Republican.

And besides, after the initial hire, Wall Street starts judging you on actual merit, you know work, and if a job can't be done on charm alone, it's just not worth doing.

I will keep America secrets safe. Just look at how I locked up the non-secret papers of my work with the Chicago Annenberg Challenge. No one can see any of them. I'm better than the damn CIA at keeping folks out of my business! You don't here squat about Tony Rezko anymore, and I was farther up his ass than a rectal thermometer.

Now a lot of people ask me why I'm running for President now. My resume is skinnier than Nicole Richie. I was a editor of the Harvard Law Review and a professor, managing to not produce a single work of important scholarship, but I did manage to write two books about how great I am, my work as a community organiser only really served to land me pork barrel posts with the Illinois legislature, and even then I had to get all my opponents disqualified for my first election.

Well the answer is simple.

If I don't do it now, I'll never do it.

If I spend any real time in the Senate, folks will get to look behind the charm, and know the real me.

That's bad.

Plus, being in the Senate means actually having to, you know, do something besides making pleasantly vague speeches. So I have to go for it now, or never.

So vote for me, for a new America. One where the airwaves are no longer cluttered with free speech, where illegal aliens can get free medical coverage before full American citizens, one where the stock market will crash the day after election night because of my doubling of the capitol gains tax, one where I, a friend of an unrepentant terrorist, do the bidding of an elite clique of billionaires.

That's a real America.

Wow. What soaring rhetoric.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.