1.19.2009

An Alternate View...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Tomorrow marks the inauguration of Barack Obama as your new president. In honour of this occasion I went on a little trip in time to an alternate time-line version of tomorrow, and recorded Obama's inauguration speech. Of course I had to put in a twist, I gave Obama one of Vox Poplar's Truth gizmos meaning that he had to be honest during his speech.

So here's the transcript...
My fellow Americans.

I stand before you as your new President, and I must admit, that I am now regretting what I wished for. Holy shit. I'm the goddamn president. What was I thinking?

I just realised that I can't vote "present" anymore, and that scares the hell out of me.

But I guess I have to buckle down and get to work.

To my supporters.

I will disappoint you.

There's no way around it. Your blind worship of me is to be honest, a little creepy, I mean come on, I'm just a freaking human being, I really can't make the oceans recede, or the Earth cool, and I can't just end wars, I can either win them, or lose them. And both choices are a lot of hard work.

I am not ushering in an age of sunshine, unicorns, and unending love from our enemies. They will still be the enemies of America, no matter how much of the $200 million dollars in untraceable foreign campaign donations I got during the election came from them.

People will still hate us, and I can't change that. And many of those people will keep trying to kill us, and let's face it, most of them are Muslims. You have to acknowledge that a lot of them hate us, and when you look deeply at the facts, you know it's not our fault. I can't make them love us, because hating us is all they have to keep them from realizing how they've pissed away their own legacy. One man can't change that.

To the people who didn't vote for me.

Yes, I won thanks to shady foreign money, and the apparently stalker-like adoration of the media. The media ignored not only the millions in untraceable illegal donations to my campaign, they also ignored the fact that pretty much all my friends and political allies are either racists, radicals, or reprobates. I'd like to thank them, though I must admit, Chris Matthews does give me the creeps.

I know that George W. Bush was not an evil man, yes Saddam did have 500 tons of plutonium, and yes, Saddam did support terrorism. Warrantless wiretapping didn't spy on American citizens, but just tapped foreign communications. Face it, patching a call through an American owned switchboard, doesn't really give you all the rights of an American citizen.

Bush didn't do things in service of some sinister agenda. He just had to make hard choices in an age where there were no good options.

That doesn't mean that we're not going to prosecute Bush and other administration officials. I have a re-election to plan for, and I have no ideas on how to fix the economy, win the wars, or do anything else but hurl money in all directions. I need to immunize my administration from having our inevitable failures exposed by criminalizing Bush administration policies that I'll probably continue myself.

Yeah, waterboarding is nasty, but Navy Seals do it, and if it can get a terrorist talking in an average of 30 seconds, it's not as bad as electrocuting genitals.

Face it, I'm not even 50, and I'm already the President, I need that second term or I'll feel like a loser. So another 9/11 would ruin me, because I really wouldn't know how to react to it. So I'm going to keep up the renditions, bring back the waterboarding, and do all sorts of things that I'm going to prosecute Bush for, because I have to protect my own ass. Thankfully the media will support me over it, while they condemn Bush.

Well, that's it. I really have to go now and figure out what the hell I'm gonna do when all that "hope and change" talk doesn't sell anymore.

Goodbye.
Well, very revealing.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

2 comments:

Chris C said...

Just wanted to let you know this post was added to Angry Seafood's
Live Obama Inaugural Humor Blog Roundup

cmblake6 said...

And now for the USAF hymn: "Him, him, fuck him".