Leave My Michelle Alone You Nasty Little Moonbats!

A Personal Commentary

by

Remulak MoxArgon

I must say that you Earthling Moonbats are really starting to get on my craw, which happens to be located just below my left sacroilliac, and I've had enough.

I've just read how you nasty little political trolls are picking on my twelfth dearest beloved, political columnist Michelle Malkin.

Now you're probably asking how I could defend her, since she rejected my offer for her to join my harem.

(saying something about her loving her family and me being evil, repulsive, vile and being unhappy with how it took me so long to learn how to spell her name right)

Nonetheless, I'm not going to hold that against her. In fact, the courage she displayed when she pepper sprayed me in the face, kicked me in the zoldars, and shot me in my grebbleplotz, only made me respect her more.

And I respected her before that, and I mean that in a purely innocent way, and not in some lewd double-entendre sort of way, so get your puny brains out of the gutter for a minute.

Sure, she's a very attractive Earthling female, but that's not the only reason for my invitation, she's also an intelligent political columnist who actually believes in things and sticks with them. No matter how many planets you offer to make her queen of, she won't give up on those values.

She certainly does not deserve the sort of nasty, sexist, and often downright racist attacks she's subjected to on a daily basis. I mean for a bunch of people who claim to desire equality for all, you Moonbats seem to think that some are more equal than others.

Although I think I understand the reason they attack her so viciously.

Jealousy.

I've been studying Earth for a long time, and I can tell you that her intelligence, wit, and yes, even her beauty puts her way ahead of her rivals on the political left.

I mean have you watched any of the left-wing pundits lately?

Whoah, I've been on many planets, and I've seen a million varieties of ugly...

Well, let me put in terms you Earthlings can understand. As your sage Homer Simpson said:

"Ever been to White Castle? Pigtown USA!"

So when faced with what can only be called a perfect specimen of Earthling conservative punditry you Moonbats react with behaviour that would make a Niborean Slug-snot Trader recoil in disgust.

I mean it's not like you can actually argue with her. You need facts to win an argument, but if all you want to have is a childish name calling contest, then the most mature one loses.

So take this from the Usurper of the Flokian Empire and Supreme Ruler of Ten Thousand Stars, mind your manners, or I'm coming down to your planet to teach you some.

Remember, I'm a dictator who has no morals, ethics, or problems with abusing my power or other people.

Don't make me come down there.

~Remulak MoxArgon

Episode #8: Time Machines, Wars & Moonbats, Oh, My!

MOXARGON: Welcome, I know it's been a while but we're back with our first full edition of the Moxargon Group in a long time. Now you're probably wondering why we were gone for so long, well, we've all had our reasons for not being able to post.

XRAN: Not until a certain someone got kicked off the planet with a restraining order.

MOXARGON: Thanks for the extra commentary Senor Lardass McGravypants.

XRAN: I'm not fat, my species is big boned!

MOXARGON: Your ass is not a bone. I hope that'll teach you not to eat so much Earthling candy like you did a couple of weeks ago.

XRAN: I learned a valuable lesson. When you eat those things called lollipops, don't eat the sticks. They are a candy delivery system and not candy.

MOXARGON: Yeah well, it's good to be back with the group. We've got a lot to catch up on and we've got a new feature. We've got an Earthling Name Spell Checker. It's a wonderful thing and should help us spell your strange and somewhat humourous names correctly. Now let the grandstanding begin. First topic: OverLord Bush has appointed someone named Samuel Alito to a vacancy in the Imperial Court. But the Democrats are opposed, claiming that it will lead to some sort of unlawful use of time travel technology.

ANDROID CAI/7: Time travel?

XRAN: Yes. The Democrats are concerned about Alito engaging in some sort of time travel. They keep going on and on about how he would 'turn back the clock' and possibly send them to live among the dinosaurs.

ANDROID CAI/7: That's a highly illogical argument. Earthling technology still interprets time as linear, instead of it's trapezoidal structure. This fellow Alito's claims of mastering time travel are highly dubious.

MOXARGON: But what if they're right. What if he does have the ability to travel through time?

ANDROID CAI/7: Then why doesn't he go back in time and prevent the birth of his enemies? That would be the logical course of action.

MOXARGON: What if he already did, and ended up with a new batch of enemies instead?

XRAN: Ooooh. Cosmic.

ANDROID CAI/7: That's why I hate time travel. Too many anomalies and temporal paradoxes to deal with.

MOXARGON: You've been fairly quite Drone-9099. What do you think of the Alito situation?

DRONE-9099: (weakly) Exterminate?

MOXARGON: That's kind of a feeble response. Where's your passion for termination?

(DRONE-9099 starts crying and storms off.)

MOXARGON: What's with him?

XRAN: Anne Coulter dumped him.

MOXARGON: The bony assed little hussy. (to Drone-9099)Don't cry buddy! You're a gelatinous blob of angry neural-fibers in an armoured shell. What gal doesn't want you? Remember there are plenty of fish in the galaxy!

XRAN: I don't think he's coming back.

ANDROID CAI/7: I believe the next logical step for Drone-9099 is what Earthlings call 'a bender.'

MOXARGON: Let's move onto the next topic. Recently, a Democratic congressman named Murtha... That can't be right... can we get that checked? Anyhoo, he said that the insurgents in Iraq have already won the war, and that America should summarily withdraw. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7: I think it's a highly illogical position that is completely divorced from the facts. Forces led by Zarqawi are being slaughtered, the intensity of their attacks are dropping. It is getting so bad that Warlord Zarqawi's forces are reduced to sacrifing men and material on militarily useless targets like weddings in other countries.

XRAN: I agree with the robot. If Zarqawi and his insurgents are as powerful as this- whatever his name is- claims they are, then they'd be seizing and controlling large portions of the country. Not running in terror from town to town in an ever decreasing area. It sounds like this Murtha whatever is engaging in grandstanding at the expense of his Empire.

ANDROID CAI/7: I am amazed at how the American Empire treats people like that. On any other planet, or in any other country, people who make comments like that would be arrested for treason, and tossed into a pit full of hungry Lycorpean Slime-Weasels. Except in America they end up getting elected as representatives of blue states.

MOXARGON: Don't forget Sen. Jay Rockefeller who recently admitted telling secret war plans to the enemies of the American Empire.

XRAN: Knowing Democrats such blatant treason will probably get him their nomination to run for Overlord in 2008.

MOXARGON: This Murtha fellow is saying that his demand for surrender should be heeded because he was a veteran of the Vietnam War. What do you think?

XRAN: If he reflects the attitude of their officers in that conflict, then it is no mystery as to why they lost.

MOXARGON: Good point. When you're in a war, you go in to win. Or you might as well start learning your enemy's language, because he'll soon be helping himself to your Empire.

ANDROID CAI/7: Victory is not good enough for these people. Overlord Bush could mount the head of Earth's last terrorist on a pike, and these people would cry because the terrorist never had a chance to kill enough people.

MOXARGON: It's almost like a form of mental derangement. A complete divorce from reality. And the disease must be widespread because these people get elected to positions of power.

XRAN: Let's hope they're in power when we decide to come back, eh, Remulak. That would make our job a lot easier. The last thing we would ever want to see are Earthlings that actually fight back.

MOXARGON: And on that positive note let's call it a night. Come on guys, let's buy a round for Drone-9099.

_______________________________

PS: As part of my community service sentence I was asked to re-plug the blognovel THE WARLORD 2: JUGGERNAUT. The author had helped us improve the look of our site and it's to make up for the anal probe, the brain parasite, the phaser burn, and leaving him naked and raving in a Mexican cornfield.

There, will his lawyers stop buggin us now?

~Remulak MoxArgon.

Report from a Tasty Planet.

by Xran the FleshRender

Greetings puny Earthlings.

A few of your Earth days ago Remulak MoxArgon invited me to join him on a reconaissance mission of your planet. I eagerly accepted.

Little did I know that Remulak's idea of 'reconaissance' was mostly skulking around the bushes outside Mee-Shell Mall-Ken's house. Being a tad creeped out, and not wanting anymore restraining orders on my record I left Remulak to his dementia and went looking around on my own.

I must admit that it was a weird experience.

When we first heard of Earth we thought the only sentient species were the Humans. Then we heard about all the subspecies like moonbats, left-wingers, right wingers, neocons, paleocons, and others.

But when I went out on that street it was crawling with all sorts of strange beings. And most of them were quite short. I'm at a loss to describe the variety or even come close to giving an accurate estimate of how many there might be.

They appeared to be involved in some sort of ritual that involved them going door to door and getting things put into sacks.

Figuring it was some sort of treasure being offered, I whipped out my plunder sac and went right up to the door.

Instead of the usual screams and drawing of weapons the Earthlings at my door smiled, said that my 'costume' was really impressive and gave me a handful of objects out of a bowl.

I didn't get treasure.

What I got was some wrapped objects called Hershey miniatures.

I went to another door and got the same reaction and a handful of some things on sticks the Earthlings called 'lolly-pops.'

At first I didn't know what in the name of the nards of Nosgar these things were or what I was supposed to with them, and then I saw one of the small creatures take one out of his sack and eat it.

Always eager to try something new, I tried it.

Whoah.

After one taste I started craving more, so I went to every door in that town and collected these sweet pieces of bliss until my plunder sac was full.

I then went to my ship and gorged myself on those things until all three of my stomachs were ready to pop their sporboks.

I woke the next morning feeling dizzy, and with an uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom.

Those things made me sick and my ass is now twice its previous size, yet I still crave those damned things.

So that's your plan. Invaders come to your door demanding plunder, and you hide the real treasure and ply them with these intoxicating poisons you call 'treats.'

For a pack of primitive sub-megaloids you are a sneaky bunch.

I'll be back someday, either for revenge or for more of those damn treats, you haven't heard the last of me!

______________________

PS: One of your fellow Earthlings helped us with the new look of this site, and I'd like to thank him by plugging his own site. He's participating in something called National Novel Writing Month and he's writing his novel on a blog called THE WARLORD 2: JUGGERNAUT. Sounds like a fun read.

That should make up for Remulak kidnapping him and then dumping him in that cornfield.