11.03.2005

Report from a Tasty Planet.

by Xran the FleshRender

Greetings puny Earthlings.

A few of your Earth days ago Remulak MoxArgon invited me to join him on a reconaissance mission of your planet. I eagerly accepted.

Little did I know that Remulak's idea of 'reconaissance' was mostly skulking around the bushes outside Mee-Shell Mall-Ken's house. Being a tad creeped out, and not wanting anymore restraining orders on my record I left Remulak to his dementia and went looking around on my own.

I must admit that it was a weird experience.

When we first heard of Earth we thought the only sentient species were the Humans. Then we heard about all the subspecies like moonbats, left-wingers, right wingers, neocons, paleocons, and others.

But when I went out on that street it was crawling with all sorts of strange beings. And most of them were quite short. I'm at a loss to describe the variety or even come close to giving an accurate estimate of how many there might be.

They appeared to be involved in some sort of ritual that involved them going door to door and getting things put into sacks.

Figuring it was some sort of treasure being offered, I whipped out my plunder sac and went right up to the door.

Instead of the usual screams and drawing of weapons the Earthlings at my door smiled, said that my 'costume' was really impressive and gave me a handful of objects out of a bowl.

I didn't get treasure.

What I got was some wrapped objects called Hershey miniatures.

I went to another door and got the same reaction and a handful of some things on sticks the Earthlings called 'lolly-pops.'

At first I didn't know what in the name of the nards of Nosgar these things were or what I was supposed to with them, and then I saw one of the small creatures take one out of his sack and eat it.

Always eager to try something new, I tried it.

Whoah.

After one taste I started craving more, so I went to every door in that town and collected these sweet pieces of bliss until my plunder sac was full.

I then went to my ship and gorged myself on those things until all three of my stomachs were ready to pop their sporboks.

I woke the next morning feeling dizzy, and with an uncontrollable urge to go to the bathroom.

Those things made me sick and my ass is now twice its previous size, yet I still crave those damned things.

So that's your plan. Invaders come to your door demanding plunder, and you hide the real treasure and ply them with these intoxicating poisons you call 'treats.'

For a pack of primitive sub-megaloids you are a sneaky bunch.

I'll be back someday, either for revenge or for more of those damn treats, you haven't heard the last of me!

______________________

PS: One of your fellow Earthlings helped us with the new look of this site, and I'd like to thank him by plugging his own site. He's participating in something called National Novel Writing Month and he's writing his novel on a blog called THE WARLORD 2: JUGGERNAUT. Sounds like a fun read.

That should make up for Remulak kidnapping him and then dumping him in that cornfield.

3 comments:

Damian G. said...

Yes, yes!

With the invaders sufficiently gorged, victory shall soon be with the Earthlings!!!

Fitch said...

I told you never to underestimate the humans.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Heh.
Hershey's mini's.
Mmmmmmmmmmmm....