Episode #8: Time Machines, Wars & Moonbats, Oh, My!

MOXARGON: Welcome, I know it's been a while but we're back with our first full edition of the Moxargon Group in a long time. Now you're probably wondering why we were gone for so long, well, we've all had our reasons for not being able to post.

XRAN: Not until a certain someone got kicked off the planet with a restraining order.

MOXARGON: Thanks for the extra commentary Senor Lardass McGravypants.

XRAN: I'm not fat, my species is big boned!

MOXARGON: Your ass is not a bone. I hope that'll teach you not to eat so much Earthling candy like you did a couple of weeks ago.

XRAN: I learned a valuable lesson. When you eat those things called lollipops, don't eat the sticks. They are a candy delivery system and not candy.

MOXARGON: Yeah well, it's good to be back with the group. We've got a lot to catch up on and we've got a new feature. We've got an Earthling Name Spell Checker. It's a wonderful thing and should help us spell your strange and somewhat humourous names correctly. Now let the grandstanding begin. First topic: OverLord Bush has appointed someone named Samuel Alito to a vacancy in the Imperial Court. But the Democrats are opposed, claiming that it will lead to some sort of unlawful use of time travel technology.

ANDROID CAI/7: Time travel?

XRAN: Yes. The Democrats are concerned about Alito engaging in some sort of time travel. They keep going on and on about how he would 'turn back the clock' and possibly send them to live among the dinosaurs.

ANDROID CAI/7: That's a highly illogical argument. Earthling technology still interprets time as linear, instead of it's trapezoidal structure. This fellow Alito's claims of mastering time travel are highly dubious.

MOXARGON: But what if they're right. What if he does have the ability to travel through time?

ANDROID CAI/7: Then why doesn't he go back in time and prevent the birth of his enemies? That would be the logical course of action.

MOXARGON: What if he already did, and ended up with a new batch of enemies instead?

XRAN: Ooooh. Cosmic.

ANDROID CAI/7: That's why I hate time travel. Too many anomalies and temporal paradoxes to deal with.

MOXARGON: You've been fairly quite Drone-9099. What do you think of the Alito situation?

DRONE-9099: (weakly) Exterminate?

MOXARGON: That's kind of a feeble response. Where's your passion for termination?

(DRONE-9099 starts crying and storms off.)

MOXARGON: What's with him?

XRAN: Anne Coulter dumped him.

MOXARGON: The bony assed little hussy. (to Drone-9099)Don't cry buddy! You're a gelatinous blob of angry neural-fibers in an armoured shell. What gal doesn't want you? Remember there are plenty of fish in the galaxy!

XRAN: I don't think he's coming back.

ANDROID CAI/7: I believe the next logical step for Drone-9099 is what Earthlings call 'a bender.'

MOXARGON: Let's move onto the next topic. Recently, a Democratic congressman named Murtha... That can't be right... can we get that checked? Anyhoo, he said that the insurgents in Iraq have already won the war, and that America should summarily withdraw. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7: I think it's a highly illogical position that is completely divorced from the facts. Forces led by Zarqawi are being slaughtered, the intensity of their attacks are dropping. It is getting so bad that Warlord Zarqawi's forces are reduced to sacrifing men and material on militarily useless targets like weddings in other countries.

XRAN: I agree with the robot. If Zarqawi and his insurgents are as powerful as this- whatever his name is- claims they are, then they'd be seizing and controlling large portions of the country. Not running in terror from town to town in an ever decreasing area. It sounds like this Murtha whatever is engaging in grandstanding at the expense of his Empire.

ANDROID CAI/7: I am amazed at how the American Empire treats people like that. On any other planet, or in any other country, people who make comments like that would be arrested for treason, and tossed into a pit full of hungry Lycorpean Slime-Weasels. Except in America they end up getting elected as representatives of blue states.

MOXARGON: Don't forget Sen. Jay Rockefeller who recently admitted telling secret war plans to the enemies of the American Empire.

XRAN: Knowing Democrats such blatant treason will probably get him their nomination to run for Overlord in 2008.

MOXARGON: This Murtha fellow is saying that his demand for surrender should be heeded because he was a veteran of the Vietnam War. What do you think?

XRAN: If he reflects the attitude of their officers in that conflict, then it is no mystery as to why they lost.

MOXARGON: Good point. When you're in a war, you go in to win. Or you might as well start learning your enemy's language, because he'll soon be helping himself to your Empire.

ANDROID CAI/7: Victory is not good enough for these people. Overlord Bush could mount the head of Earth's last terrorist on a pike, and these people would cry because the terrorist never had a chance to kill enough people.

MOXARGON: It's almost like a form of mental derangement. A complete divorce from reality. And the disease must be widespread because these people get elected to positions of power.

XRAN: Let's hope they're in power when we decide to come back, eh, Remulak. That would make our job a lot easier. The last thing we would ever want to see are Earthlings that actually fight back.

MOXARGON: And on that positive note let's call it a night. Come on guys, let's buy a round for Drone-9099.


PS: As part of my community service sentence I was asked to re-plug the blognovel THE WARLORD 2: JUGGERNAUT. The author had helped us improve the look of our site and it's to make up for the anal probe, the brain parasite, the phaser burn, and leaving him naked and raving in a Mexican cornfield.

There, will his lawyers stop buggin us now?

~Remulak MoxArgon.


Damian said...

Yea! Consider this puny Earthling satisfied!

Now do a Point/Counterpoint, you ignorant sluts!

a4g said...


What a wonderful analysis of our earthling ways! Although you are still alien scum, you truly are the de Tocqueville of the 21st century.

All our petty problems seem so quaint when seen through the prism of an all-knowing, head-piking alien race.