Greetings puny Earthlings, as the 'new guy' in the MoxArgon Group it's fallen upon me to learn as much as possible about your planet. That's why I've put together these 20 questions for various segments of Earthling society, and if you can answer them for me it just might inspire me to be merciful when my cyborg hordes finally swoop down on your measly little world.
For Earth's Muslim population:
1. Do you worship Mohammed or Allah? It seems pretty simple and straightforward, I've looked up some of your texts and they say that you worship Allah and that Mohammed was merely a vessel for the word of Allah. If that's true, then why are so many calling for death and destruction over caricatures of a humble vessel?
2. Why do these cartoons matter, aren't the works and opinions of non-believers meaningless if your faith is correct?
3. Are you rioting and threatening people to cover a shameful lack of faith on your part or the part of your leadership?
4. Why aren't you threatening and boycotting Egypt? A national paper there reprinted the cartoons approximately five of your Earth-months ago, and no one seemed to care.
5. If your system is so wonderful and the West so evil and foul, why aren't Westerners immigrating to your countries and not vice-versa?
6. Why do figures in Western entertainment have to apologize when they show radical Islamists engaging in terrorist activity, shouldn't the Muslim terrorists who created the stereotype be forced to apologize to their law abiding brethren?
7. How does producing oil for $5 a barrel and selling it to the West for around $70 a barrel constitute theft on the part of the West? From my perspective it looks like the West is getting the short end of the stick here.
For the American Democratic Party:
8. What's the big deal about your President collecting information on people who want to kill your citizens?
9. Why are Jimmy Carter and Robert Byrd, two 'reformed' believers in segregation with connections to the racist KKK, considered more sensitive to the needs of African-Americans than the Bush family who were founding financiers of civil rights groups like the NAACP?
10. Why are you against almost every program that attempts to protect your citizens from violent radical terrorists?
11. Why are your members calling for surrender in a war that you are actually winning?
Do you have any alternatives to Bush's policies other than just opposing him?
12. Why is gathering information on international terrorists bad, when your own leadership has used similar means to gather information about harmless political rivals?
13. Why is Cindy Sheehan, a woman viewed as either treasonous, mentally unstable, or both by the majority of America's population calling the shots over party policy?
14. Why is abortion considered an absolute good by members of your party, is it because over 70% of abortion clinics are in predominantly ethnic minority communities?
15. Why is the Patriot Act so evil? It only gives law enforcement the same tools to use against terrorists that they already use against organized crime.
16. If the Patriot Act really is evil then explain to me why Al-Qaeda members deserve more rights than American born members of La Cosa Nostra?
For the American Media & Entertainment Industries:
17. Why do you call it 'domestic spying' when the program is targeting foreign operatives?
18. Why do people who leak data that endangers national security called 'heroic whistleblowers' while people who expose questionable activity by Democratic operatives called 'threats to national security?'
19. Why is Hollywood insisting on releasing whiny anti-American movies that domestic audiences stay away from, and then reward these financial failures with underserved praise and awards?