3.10.2006

Lookin' 4 Luv On All The Wrong Planets...


A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM

REMULAK MOXARGON

Greetings puny Earthlings, this time I come in peace... for now.

As you know the conquest of your planet, by me and my unstoppable intergalactic hordes, is inevitable.

You should accept it willingly, even greet it eagerly. My empire is unique in this universe and all the alternate dimensions, you can actually understand our tax laws.

But that's not why I'm here.

Since I will soon be your Supreme and Ultimate Ruler Whose Feces Are An Untramelled Delight I will require a queen, maybe several, of the female of your species.

If you're one of the two or three regular readers of this blog, you'll know that in the past I've pitched woo to Sex-cretary of State Condoleeza Rice and columnist Michelle Malkin. Sadly, both rejected my advances, one is married to her duty to her country and the other is married to some guy...

Anyhoo...

I'm looking for your suggestions over who should be my future queen when I finally put your puny world under my all powerful thumb. I figure I'll start with the romancing before the invading because I wanna know if she wants me for me, or because I just conquered her planet.

So folks start making with the suggestions. Supplicants who suggest a worthy queen, or queens, will win an great prize when I take over your world.

You will not be proccessed into cattle feed.

So let me have some names and I'll break out the flowers and the champagne.


UPDATE: I feel that I should put forward some simple criteria for potential queens. So before you suggest any names you should look at this checklist.

  • She shouldn't be too skanky. I don't mind a little seasoning, but if where's she's been freaks out someone who used to date Voginnia the Queen of the Altolussian Skank Pirates*, I'm not exactly interested.
  • She is not Hillary Clinton. Any Earthling who tries to pawn her off on me will end up spending the rest of their days as a slave in the mucus mines of Flemotrax Prime.
  • She must have a brain. That means that she can read and be capable of intelligent conversation. Nothing worse than a queen with the brain-power of an Crogelliflaxian Turnip.

Other than that I'm open to all races, creeds, hair colours and body types.

*namely me.

UPDATE 2.0: Okay folks, let's set a few more ground rules.

  • The candidates for my future queen must be between 18 to 40 Earth years of age. I ain't no R. Kelly.
  • They must be living.
  • They must be human females. (Remulak is strictly for the ladies if you know what I mean.)
  • Sense of humour preferable, but not essential.
  • They must be open minded about being courted by an alien intergalactic conqueror.

5 comments:

Nyxsis said...

You should take Brittney Spears. And here is why.

She is about to be divorced soon! (Or so I heard.) She obviously will marry just about anyone (look at her current husband). And from what Justin said, she sure puts out.
She's pretty enough to be a great trophy wife, and you'll have cute kidaliens. She can entertain at your political events and parties, and even has that sexy slave costume! (Not to mention the schoolgirl outfit.)
Yes, Brittney is definitely the girl for you! (As long as you never let her talk.)

cincimaddog said...

How about Golda Mier? She fits your description! She isn't skanky, she isn't Hillary Clinton, and she has a brain. As an added bonus, she has been in a position of poweras Prime Minisiter of Israel, so she knows how to act as a worthy queen. I think you should definitely look her up, if she's still alive....

Damian G. said...

Gale Norton is about to resign as Secretary of the Interior; perhaps you'd like to check out her interior, eh?

Sure, she's a little old, but Condi is 50, so try and be a little lenient.

fmragtops said...

I think you should hook up with Angie Harmon. Very hot, and she played a lawyer on TV, so she must be smart. Sure, she's married to Jason Sehorn, but you can take him.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Good luck in your quest.