Illegal/Illogical

A SPECIAL COMMENTARY BY

ANDROID CAI/7

Last week the Earthling empire of the United States of America witnessed huge and illogical protests over some proposed legislation calling for the enforcement of already existing laws. This issue at the heart of this controversy is what is called "Illegal immigration" by the Earthlings.

For those of you who are new to the issues of the planet Earth, illegal immigration is when people of one poor country sneak into a richer country in order to find employment in direct violation of the host country's laws regulating such behaviour. Hence, illegal immigration.

Now this is where the part that does not compute comes in.

The majority of Americans are the descendants of immigrants, so deep down they may feel some sympathy for the plight of innocent people whose only desire is to work hard and build better lives for their families.

However, you do not win Earthling hearts and minds by doing this:

Now declaring that you'll "take back" a large portion of your host country through most likely violent revolution and make it part of some delusional third world empire has to be the dumbest, most illogical, strategy I have seen since Golok the Skinreaver attacked the Flokian Crimson Armada with two ships and a petunia inserted in his rectum for luck.

Now any sympathy the Earthling Americans have had for their illegal immigrant cousins is now deader than Golok the Skinreaver. Plus all this talk of Aztlan, the Reqonquista and such, will not help the cause of illegal immigrant rights, it will cause the exact opposite. In fact, if these groups actually attempt to bring about their mad dream of the Kingdom of Aztlan they will most likely be massacred faster than an alien who thinks a petunia in his backside will protect him from a plasma cannon.

Look at the facts:

United States of America: World's premiere hyper-power with nuclear weaponry, a highly trained and battle-hardened military, advanced technology, immense wealth, and a civilian populace that's better armed than most countries.

Mexico and the Reconquista Movement: Mexico is nation rich in national resources, but trapped in a never ending cycle of poverty thanks to the never-ending machinations of its political elite. It is crippled by corruption, crime, violence and governmental incompetence. To paraphrase my associat Xran, they couldn't organise a shag in a bordello.

Mexico couldn't hold onto Texas when all that stood against them was a handful of Gringo farmers and some guy with a dead raccoon on his head, how can they be expected to reconquer the American Southwest without being smashed into atoms?

Let's go on a wild trip of the imagination and posit the unlikely possibility* that you actually succeed in conquering the American Southwest without being nuked beyond the stone-age.

What would happen then?

I'll tell you what will happen, thanks to my tri-definition alternate-dimensional flux-agitation viewer. It allows me to look into all possible alternate realities without getting off my recharge unit. Now it took me a long time to find a dimension where this crazy dream actually worked, and here's what happened there:

The same corrupt political elite that has made Mexico the basket case of North America will immediately get to work turning Aztlan into the next basket case. All the rights, freedoms, comforts, and economic opportunities enjoyed by illegal immigrants in America will be gone.

With the Aztlan economy crippled like Mexico's, the Aztlan people will then start sneaking across the border into what's left of America, looking for work and to avoid starvation. Of course, hardened by the loss of the Southwest, the remaining United States initiate a less forgiving policy than simple deportation.

Those illegal immigrants who somehow get past the landmines, laser armed hunter-killer probes, and genetically engineered guard velociraptors, will be summarily executed, as well as all those who smuggle and hide them. The method of execution: the illegals and their accomplices will be fired back across the Aztlan border head-first by a massive trebuchet or catapult.

Is that what you really want?

If America's Illegal Immigrant population is serious about their rights and really wanted to show respect for their host country, they'd ditch those Aztlan and La Raza people like a rancid enchilada. And when they protest for their rights they shouldn't wave signs praising the country whose poor & corrupt leadership forced them to become criminals in a strange land. Instead they should have been waving Yankee flags and singing "God Bless America" in English. Showing gratitude and love for your host nation is the best way to win the hearts and minds of Americans and to avoid the dreaded catapult back home.

And the next time those political hacks start ranting and raving about Aztlan and rejoining Mexico, you should ask them and yourselves:

"What has Mexico ever done for us?"

America is the land of opportunity and its people can be very accepting of immigrants, but only if those immigrants are accepting of what it takes to be American.

So smarten up and thank your deity that you are in a country that hasn't enslaved you, fired you off a catapult, or fed you to their genetically engineered velociraptors.

*actual odd of success for the Reconquista: 1 in 1,454,909,342,987, 989.45.