Do you have any wonderful high-tech space cures for zits? Because the ladies ain't giving me no sugar as long as I'm a slave to the stridex pad.
ANDROID CAI/7 Why does he need to acquire sugar from Earthling females?
XRAN I think it's a euphemism for procreation, if you know what I mean.
VAROS Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Say no more. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind wombat... or something like that.
MOXARGON As a boy growing up in log cabin in the suburbs of Flokia Prime my skin was always a nice smooth blue. And I owe it all to those wonderful Flokian zit-suckers. They attach themselves to whereever zits may dwell and the basically suck them dry. I'm sending a crate of a thousand to you by Cosmic Courier. Be careful, the process is very painful. And the rectal nesting will be a little disturbing at first, but you'll eventually get used to it.
VAROS Our next letter is for Xran the Fleshrender. Captain Silvia writes:
I think Xran is a distant cousin or maybe I slept with it at some point in the long-distant & murky depths of my past?
XRAN Okay, first I'd like to apologize for taking so long to respond, blame the limitations of light-speed e-mail, but I did a little checking with the All-Knowing Brainwads of Zephyr VII. Now we're not distant cousins, but your mother's third cousin's high-school boyfriend's biology teacher's brother's ex-wife's lawyer's accountant's secretary's dentist's receptionist's hamster was eaten by my brother's wife's clone's pet spiny hoppleflotter who is named Dennis.
MOXARGON Wow, this really is a small universe.
XRAN And as for sleeping with you... well, it's possible, especially if you were in Roswell in '86 and had a romantic interlude with a hairy alien in an "I Shot J.R." t-shirt and GWG jeans.
MOXARGON Who has the next letter?
ANDROID CAI/7 I do. It is from Fmragtops and he asks:
O Mighty galaxy conquerer, MoxArgon, is there any bacteria, or virus that you may be overly sensitive to?
MOXARGON Interesting question. Well let me tell that there isn't much that affects a creature comprised of chlorine and pudding. In fact I've been known to make bacteria sick. So I'm afraid that your dreams of concocting a bio-weapon to stop me and my cyborg hordes will come to naught.
XRAN Ebola does give you wicked gas.
MOXARGON True, but that's more of a threat to the earthlings than to me. And to Fmragtops, keep practicing the sycophancy, there's always room in the court for a few good brown-nosers. Read the next letter Xran.
XRAN This is from Leap Frog and he writes:
Re: Malkin's hate mail... why so surprised?
MOXARGON I think he's talking about my disgust at the foul mouthed vitriol my unrequited queen's detractors spew at her. Well, I learned good manners at my mother's knee. Other things I learned at other joints, and it really burns my gozer when I see people intelligent enough to work a computer waste time hurling foul-mouthed abuse at someone over a differing of opinion. Folks like that deserve a special, extra moist, place in the mucus mines. What's the next letter Varos.
VAROS This comes from a Canadian reader named Frosty Bottoms. Frosty writes:
What do you think about Stephen Harper's decision to not lower the flag to half-mast after the deaths of 4 Canadian soldiers?
ANDROID CAI/7 I can answer that one because it requires calm logic and not an emotional Earthling response. Canada, like it or not, is at war with Al Qaida in Afghanistan. In wars young men and women die. If you were to lower the flag every time a soldier dies in the line of duty during a war, your flag will be going up and down so many times it will begin to appear ridiculous and lose all meaning. This controversy originated from the previous Liberal Party's facade of being shocked to discover that people die in wars. All part of the illogical myth of the Canadian as a peacekeeper instead of a warrior.
VAROS Good point, find some German soldiers from WW1 & WW2 and ask them if they felt the Canadians were peacekeepers at heart. Night trench raids are not something peacekeepers do, I can assure you of that.
MOXARGON I think the Canadians should stick to the real and original tradition of honouring Canada's war dead on November 11. It cheapens the lives of the men who died in Afghanistan to somehow set them apart from the honoured dead of the previous wars. What's the next e-mail Xran?
XRAN This e-mail comes from Markos Moonbatsis. Markos writes:
Isn't it so f**king cool that the retired Generals and CIA folks are putting the screws to those crypto-fascists Rumsfeld and Chimpybushitler?
MOXARGON Sure, if you want your precious democracy destroyed. Ask yourself these three questions:
1. If a cadre of senior military officers and intelligence operatives started leaking classified information and subverting national security, during wartime, to deliberately undermine a sitting Democratic president and boost his Republican opponents wouldn't you be screaming about "coups" and "vast right-wing conspiracies?"
2. Wouldn't the media be portraying these men and women as sinister figures trying to seize power in Washington instead of calling them heroic whistleblowers and giving each other prizes for endangering American lives?
3. Why does having a Republican president make a covert military/intelligence coup more palatable to you?
Think about it.
Well that's all the time we have for tonight. Keep those messages coming and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.