Dear Great Satan


Greetings puny Earthlings. It's me, you pal Varos Quasar. Okay, maybe I'm not your pal, but right about now I'm the least of your planet's problems. Now it's hit the news today that President Ahmadinejad (& I thought we had complicated names) had written a letter to the American President George W. Bush.

Well, thanks to a little matter transduction and duplication technology I have obtained a copy, and I've posted it here for you to read before it gets censored by the State Department spin-meisters.


Dear Great Satan.

It's me, the man who will tear down your mighty and terrible empire in a wave of blood, fire, and screaming torment and bring about the coming of the Mahdi.

Now a lot of folks are making a lot of fuss about my recent comments about wiping Israel off the map and how we're trying to enrich uranium to build nuclear bombs to rain fire and death upon your infidel cities, but there's really nothing to worry about.

Sure, we are trying to make weapons to kill you all, but hey, I've been golden showered by Allah himself at the UN and that makes me special. It also means that you should just chill out an accept your inevitable and total destruction. I'd also like you to tell Shimon Perez of Israel to take a chill pill. He's been going on saying that Iran could be wiped off the map as well, and I think he means it.

That's just so wrong.

I know for a fact that Perez is not on Allah's rolodex, and henceforth does not have the right to threaten anyone with mass slaughter.

That's my job.

So set your boy straight, shut your trap, and let me get back to my job, which is bringing about the end of the world.

Toodles, and death to you all.

~Mahmoud "The Main Man of Tehran" Ahmadinejad.

Well, that's put my mind at ease.

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