MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time for another edition of the Moxargon Group. I'm Remulak Moxargon, interstellar conqueror, bon vivant, and all around swell guy. Joining me are the usual suspects. Xran the Fleshrender, space pirate and syndicated political columnist who has just been picked up by the Zygorthian Herald-Tribune, congrats on the new paper.
XRAN- Thanks Remulak. I owe it all to my stylish and witty prose style.
ANDROID CAI/7- And the warship he had orbiting the publisher's house.
XRAN- That just got me a decent contract.
MOXARGON- As my grandma always said, a good plasma cannon's better than any agent, and it doesn't take 10%. And the rest of the gang is here. There's Android Cai/7, leader of the Android Hordes, kudos to your recent conquest of Mekanos 6.
ANDROID CAI/7- I merely followed logical strategy.
MOXARGON- And we're also joined by Varos Qasar, lifestyles editor for the Ba-lox Daily Press.
VAROS- Good to be here.
MOXARGON- Okay, this will be the last regular Moxargon Group episode for a little while we're making plans for our second annual scouting mission to Earth, on October 31st.
XRAN- Hopefully he'll stay out of Michelle Malkin's shrubbery this time.
MOXARGON- As grandma used to say, shoot me in the shoulder once, shame on you, shoot me in the shoulder twice, shame on me. Plus we have to sort through the mountains of mail we're getting from our loyal Earthling readers before we go, but that's for another day, let's talk about what's happening on Earth. First issue: An Imam in Australia's in hot water over comments where he compared an unveiled woman to unwrapped meat. Thus providing some sort of metaphorical justification for rape. What do you folks think?
XRAN- I never learned to speak metaphorical, so I'll say that I consider this Imam a loudmouthed sexist radical moron.
VAROS- What exactly did he say?
MOXARGON- Don't you read your notes?
VAROS- I'm like Larry King, I like to wing it in a state of total ignorance.
ANDROID CAI/7- He said:
“If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it … whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?
“The uncovered meat is the problem.”
The sheik then said: “If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab, no problem would have occurred.”
VAROS- I can see his point.
MOXARGON- How many times have I told you to stop sniffing the fumes around Snotglob's pit.
XRAN- Only a moron would agree, or even claim to understand where he's coming from.
MOXARGON- Explain it Android Cai/7.
ANDROID CAI/7- His entire argument is illogical. Meat is a dead piece of an animal that's been rendered edible. An Earthling female is a fully sentient being with a free will of her own. Plus, how can something lacking life, the meat, be responsible for anything?
MOXARGON- Plus, the cat is just acting on a simple biological impulse, the need to feed, the rapist is acting out his own sick fantasies of violence and domination over women.
XRAN- It's plain old sexist ignorance, no matter how you wrap it.
VAROS- My data-link says that he's apologized. Shouldn't the Earthling females accept his apology?
MOXARGON- I often find myself questioning the sincerity of such gestures since I learned about Taqiyya. Besides, I doubt the females will be forgiving. I know women, and they can hold a grudge. I once ticked off my 11th concubine Certiraxia. So to make it up to her I went back in time, warned my past-self to not do the thing that pissed her off. Guess what?
MOXARGON- She's still mad! It happened in an alternate timeline, and she's still mad about it! Let's move on. Next subject, State Department official Alberto Fernandez stuck both feet in his mouth when he appeared on Al-Jazeera TV and said that America was "stupid" and "arrogant." Now let's play a little game. What's the next thing Alberto's going to say?
XRAN- Do you want fries with that?
VAROS- Our lunch special today is Salisbury Steak.
ANDROID CAI/7- Paper or plastic?
MOXARGON- How long do you think it'll be before he's working for a TV network as a 'consultant' telling them how wrong Bush is?
XRAN- I'll say a week.
VAROS- A month.
ANDROID CAI/7- The ink probably already dry on the contract.
MOXARGON- Next issue. Republicans are criticizing actor Michael J. Fox for appearing in ads for Democratic candidates over embryonic stem cell research. Some are saying that he stopped taking his medication so his Parkinson's disease would look particularly bad for the commercials.
XRAN- I've seen some of the ads, and the factual errors and outright lies in them are pretty bad.
VAROS- How can Michael J. Fox lie, he's got Parkinson's disease?
ANDROID CAI/7- Very easily. The Republicans have not banned stem cell research, just eliminated funding for research involving the destruction of embryos for the creation of new cell lines. Private groups and state governments, like California, are free to fund as much embryonic stem cell research as they want without fear of being dragged off to some fantastical Christian Fundamentalist Death Camp.
MOXARGON- Besides, no one is accusing poor Mr. Fox of deliberately lying. In fact, I see him as a victim. He's desperate, he's got a horrible disease that will slowly and painfully destroy him. He's got all these people telling him that embryonic stem-cells are the one and only cure, and that eeeeeviiiilll Republicans have made it illegal to please some secret theocratic cabal. He goes along with them, I'm not sure if he even finished high school, let alone studied cellular biology, because he doesn't know any better, he hasn't even read the amendment, and the people that should know better have agendas of their own.
XRAN- Plus all the media attention on the embryonic debate has led to a near blackout on real and promising research using stem-cells obtained through non-destructive means, like adult body fat, umbilical cords, and even nasal linings.
MOXARGON- Just think about that for a while.
ANDROID CAI/7- I am glad to be a machine, repairs are so much simpler.
MOXARGON- Let's move to something lighter, like entertainment. Folks are really piling up on Madonna lately, and not in a good way over her recent adoption of a child from Malawi.
XRAN- When did African children become the new chihuaha?
ANDROID CAI/7- I'd prefer to discuss someone with talent.
MOXARGON- Sorry, the only other item on the agenda are the Dixie Chicks. Apparently the Bush administration has been so successful in silencing their 'truth' that they have a movie coming out about it.
XRAN- Man. I wish he could silence them.
VAROS- Their music makes my ears bleed.
ANDROID CAI/7- How can they have been 'silenced' when they haven't even shut up long enough to take a breath?
MOXARGON- Good point. Let's get to the mid-term election. Democrat Harold Ford is accusing his Republican opponent with racism over this ad:
VAROS- I don't get it.
XRAN- What's the racist angle?
ANDROID CAI/7- This does not compute.
MOXARGON- Ford's people are saying that the ad implies that he's 'after white women.'
VAROS- So what?
XRAN- Yeah, so what?
MOXARGON- Ford's staff says he's black.
ANDROID CAI/7- Now that really does not compute.
VAROS- Wait a minute. I've seen him.... I thought he was Italian.
MOXARGON- I thought he was Spanish.
XRAN- You really do learn something new every day.
MOXARGON- This whole 'race' issue seems to be big with Democrats. They see it in everything.
ANDROID CAI/7- Logically, one could say that they protest too much.
MOXARGON- My thoughts exactly. Now I didn't see any problem with attending a party at the Playboy Mansion. Hef and I go way back.
VAROS- What about taking money from a porn producer?
MOXARGON- Yes, I wonder what porn producer would give money to Ford's campaign. Xran, I'm looking in your direction....
XRAN- Hey, it wasn't me, it was my cousin, Zran. I was just an investor in "Buxom Bombshell Bisexual Babes Bang Boston Part XII."
MOXARGON- Well, that's all the time we have for today, keep your questions coming, and we'll answer them over the weekend before we come down to Earth for the 31st. So until then, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.