You were probably expecting another edition of the MoxArgon Group, but my head is still a little tender from my St. Patrick's Day adventure, so I decided to spend a little quiet time and present a simple guide to your Presidential Candidates.
NEWT GINGRICH: Popular among conservatives from the 'Contract With America' days, but has more baggage than the luggage carousel at O'Hare Airport on Thanksgiving Weekend. So far all he's done is bitch about the election season coming too early. Come on Newt, don't run because because you think you have to, run because you have some real ideas.
JOHN McCAIN: War hero, with a long record in the Senate. However, he's the Alpha Male of the RINO herd, he flips and flops more than a short order cook at IHOP, he's getting a tad long in the tooth for an Earthling in what's becoming a younger man's game, and he's never met a politically connected money man he didn't like.
MITT ROMNEY: Solid gubernatorial record, but a bit of a flip flopper, and he takes the media too seriously, not a good sign.
SAM BROWNBACK: The only thing I know about him, is that his name reminded me of 'Brokeback' as if being a Republican was enough ammo for the late night comedians.
RUDY GIULIANI: Some arch-conservatives say he's too liberal, and bring up his failed marriages and the time he spent living with a gay couple. However, I read about how that couple took care of him. Damn, I can't get that kind of service in my palace without using brain-slugs, I'd have never left. Anyway, the most important thing is that Rudy looks, acts, and has the record of a fighter, one that is perfectly willing to tell a hostile media to kiss his ass on occasion. That's what America needs.
FRED THOMPSON: Solid Reaganite conservative, is the only sensible character left on Law & Order, has good record as a Senator and attorney. He's being a bit coy about running, I think he's setting himself up to be picked by old buddy Giulian's running mate as a way to win the hardcore conservative base.