MoxArgon's Guide To The Presidential Candidates Part 2

Yesterday I analyzed the Republicans, today we look at...


HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON: I won't go the cheap route and call her 'Shrillary' or any of the myriad of other names she's acquired over the years, but as a member of the 'vast right wing conspiracy,' I have to do my part. So here's a brief list of her qualifications:

She's paranoid. Any and all criticisms of her are not justified, but are actually evidence of a 'vast right-wing conspiracy.' Someone should tell her that sometimes a criticism is just that.

She's power mad. She's been jonesing for the Oval Office since her hubby Bubba first ran for office. That's why she worked so hard to grab control of the Democratic Party's money and organization. Why else would she employ an army of private investigators and have an 'enemies list' of Nixonian proportions.

Everything she's touched has turned to Skardellian doob-nuggets. Everything from botched business deals in Arkansas, to HillaryCare, and their plans to lock Monica Lewinsky in the nuthouse have all blown up in her face. For a more recent example, look at how fast her campaign is imploding around her.

She can't even flip-flop in a decisive manner. Instead, she fudges around the issue, making a demand for something in a speech, and then 'clarifying' her point by saying the opposite in another.

JOHN EDWARDS: He's pretty --vacant. An empty suit who manages to find new depths of hypocrisy with each passing week. Scolds the American people for their 'selfish lifestyles' while living in a 28,000 sq ft palace built on a career of shady ambulance chasing.

BARACK OBAMA: Has the rare privilege of making Edwards look qualified. Good looking, charming, and completely devoid of any real original ideas. His only qualifications for the presidency are the endorsement of Hollywood celebrities and liberal guilt. Is running now because he's at least smart enough to know that any more time in the Senate threatens to expose his mediocrity.

BILL RICHARDSON: Who? Just kidding, former Energy Secretary during the Clinton Administration with a pretty uncontroversial record as governor of New Mexico. Still not enough about him to make a judgment.

AL GORE: Former Vice President. Despite the demands of many Democrats he will not run, because he doesn't want to give up his path to becoming the world's first Climate Hysteria billionaire. Besides, a run for the White House might spark Hillary's friends in the press to start asking questions about his bloated power bill and his new business selling carbon offset scams plans.

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