TEKTAK- Greetings puny Earthlings, and welcome to a very special edition of Point/Counterpoint. Joining me and my colleague Snotglob today is federal prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, he's here to talk about Scooter Libby and the trial of ousted newspaper publisher Conrad Black which is starting in Chicago. Welcome Mr. Fizgerald.
FITZGERALD- I'd say it's good to be here, but I don't quite know where here is.
TEKTAK- It's better you don't. I believe Snotglob would like to start with a question. Snotglob?
SNOTGLOB- Thank you. Now Mr. Fitzgerald, now that you've brought down the evil Scooter Libby for exposing poor Valerie Plame's identity, when will you be imprisoning Bush and Cheney?
FITZGERALD- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut!
TEKTAK- That's my line!
FITZGERALD- Look, I think I pulled a pretty good fast one with Libby's conviction, so don't expect anymore. I'm not a freaking miracle worker.
TEKTAK- Well you managed to get a man convicted of lying about not being involved in a crime that never took place, I think that's pretty miraculous.
FITZGERALD- Nah, we just made sure we stacked the jury with Democrats. By all the laws of the constitution and human decency, it should get turfed on appeal. I mean my entire case was based on Libby not remembering exchanging gossip with Tim Russert. Hell, I can't even remember Russert's testimony, and I was sober when I heard it.
SNOTGLOB- Are you saying that this whole case was a load of Tyborean woggleslogs?
FITZGERALD- Definitely. Come on, Plame's identity had been blown years earlier by Aldrich Ames, she and her husband told lies about Niger, about Iraq, and about the White House to anyone that would pay to listen. But the guy that blew her identity, Richard Armitage, was against the war, we couldn't charge him, we needed a Bush/Cheney loyalist to provide the happy ending so Plame can cash in on her book and movie deals, and Libby's faulty memory was just the ticket.
TEKTAK- What about prosecution of Conrad Black?
FITZGERALD- Let me say that my office will not rest until every political conservative is behind bars!
SNOTGLOB- That Black was a fascist. He demanded that liberals working for his papers back up their opinions with facts! Lock him up!
TEKTAK- I think your prosecution's going to have a problem with the 'corporate governance' experts that have replaced Black. During the period you claimed he was mismanaging and looting the company, it was profitable, with large assets, and the only real trouble was an artificially undervalued stock price.
FITZGERALD- That's true. But it doesn't excuse Conrad Black's extravagant lifestyle.
TEKTAK- Yet the same experts who were appointed to 'save' the company from Black have sold off all the assets, crippled the stock price and are looting the company blind through $800 an hour 'governance constultancy fees.' How do you explain that?
FITZGERALD- This is a case of what I call two wrongs making a right.
TEKTAK- Two wrongs do not make a right. That's one of the few constants in the universe.
FITZGERALD- Look, he's a pompous windbag with politically conservative beliefs, he must be put away.
TEKTAK- He also has way better lawyers than Scooter Libby. Edward Greenspan isn't the type of lawyer to let being in a foreign court stop him from carving you a new cake-hole.
SNOTGLOB- Lock him up! He's a CEO, he must be evil!
TEKTAK- Like George Soros?
SNOTGLOB- Soros is a saint!
TEKTAK- That's all the time we have for now, we got to put Fitz back in the teleporter to get him back to Earth, so until next time, stay on point.