A PROPOSAL BY SYXTHE BLOOD DRENCHER
OF OGARNOX-17
(Freelance Warlord)
Greetings to you wretched Targellian wormdroppings and your miserable moldy rock of a world. I am Syx The Blood-Drencher of Ogarnox-17, the Limb Wrencher of Threep, and Gut-Spiller of Polkat-9. I am a Freelance Warlord, and I am applying for the position of War Czar for your Usa Empire.
Now you may wonder about my qualifications, and I'm not the type to brag, but I have destroyed more worlds than asteroids and supernovae combined. I have slain entire species who dared to stand against and feasted royally on their blood and entrails.*
I am worshiped as a Deity of War on over seventy-five worlds, and entire quadrants tremble at the mere mention of my name.
I am also affordable. Delivering previously unimaginable death, horror, and destruction upon your enemies at price that is as unbeatable as me in single combat. If you can find a better Warlord who can do it cheaper, then let me know, and I will slay him by tearing off his head with my bear hands and using the stump of his neck as a urinal.
But don't just take my word for it, listen to these satisfied customers.
"My planet was overrun with rebels, so I called Syx. Not only did deliver the mass slaughter I wanted on time and on budget, he made my wife Debbie a simply delightful centerpiece from the skulls of rebel generals." - King Vikkuk of Greel."It was truly lovely," -Queen Debbie of Greel
"I needed planets destroyed, and I needed them destroyed fast. Syx delivered, and then some." -Skwakor XIII, Supreme Lord Chancellor of the Avian Commonwealth.
"Syx can make genocide a work of art. Just ask my enemies, oh wait, you can't. Thanks Syx." -Ood McTavish, 23rd Grand Prefect of Alternate Earth -10893-B. 
"Syx is a credit to the profession of getting dirty jobs done dirt cheap" --Remulak MoxArgon, Ruler of the Known Universe
So, after you've tried the rest, try the best.
SYX FOR WAR CZAR
Nobody Does it Bloodier
*Also co-authored "20 Minute Blood & Entrail Recipes" with Rachel Ray.
3 comments:
Syx has my vote for War Czar!
Queen Debbie of Greel? Ha! I love it!
(This blog in now one of my favorites)
Thank you for submitting your expression of interest, Warlord Syx. To facilitate assessment of your qualifications vis a vis our needs, your responses to some questions would be helpful.
Your record of unmitigated savage rapacity should have made you personally wealthier than many a prosperous interstellar federation. Why then are you looking for work on our "miserable moldy rock of a world"? Whatever the reason may be for your staying in business, why are you soliciting us "wretched Targellian wormdroppings" as clients when the galaxy holds so many opportunities for someone of your claimed professional distinction? (For that matter, why don't you get some dental work done? If those are teeth, get 'em capped; if they are fangs, get 'em sharpened.)
Looking forward to your written reply. No telephone calls, please.
I can answer that Syx.
He has a gambling problem and seventeen ex-wives, all of whom are more vicious and rapacious than he is.
So he needs the money.
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