Greetings to you wretched Targellian wormdroppings and your miserable moldy rock of a world. I am Syx The Blood-Drencher of Ogarnox-17, the Limb Wrencher of Threep, and Gut-Spiller of Polkat-9. I am a Freelance Warlord, and I am applying for the position of War Czar for your Usa Empire.
Now you may wonder about my qualifications, and I'm not the type to brag, but I have destroyed more worlds than asteroids and supernovae combined. I have slain entire species who dared to stand against and feasted royally on their blood and entrails.*
I am worshiped as a Deity of War on over seventy-five worlds, and entire quadrants tremble at the mere mention of my name.
I am also affordable. Delivering previously unimaginable death, horror, and destruction upon your enemies at price that is as unbeatable as me in single combat. If you can find a better Warlord who can do it cheaper, then let me know, and I will slay him by tearing off his head with my bear hands and using the stump of his neck as a urinal.
But don't just take my word for it, listen to these satisfied customers.
"My planet was overrun with rebels, so I called Syx. Not only did deliver the mass slaughter I wanted on time and on budget, he made my wife Debbie a simply delightful centerpiece from the skulls of rebel generals." - King Vikkuk of Greel.
"It was truly lovely," -Queen Debbie of Greel
"I needed planets destroyed, and I needed them destroyed fast. Syx delivered, and then some." -Skwakor XIII, Supreme Lord Chancellor of the Avian Commonwealth.
"Syx can make genocide a work of art. Just ask my enemies, oh wait, you can't. Thanks Syx." -Ood McTavish, 23rd Grand Prefect of Alternate Earth -10893-B.
"Syx is a credit to the profession of getting dirty jobs done dirt cheap" --Remulak MoxArgon, Ruler of the Known Universe
So, after you've tried the rest, try the best.
SYX FOR WAR CZAR
Nobody Does it Bloodier
*Also co-authored "20 Minute Blood & Entrail Recipes" with Rachel Ray.