6.21.2007

Not So Fantastic 4!

A
DISCUSSION OF
MODERN FILM
BY
GALACTUS
DEVOURER OF WORLDS

Okay, I've been doing a little reading about the movie Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I've been very curious about that movie, considering it involves my herald that whiny little bastard the Silver Surfer and has to have at least a cameo by yours truly, me.

I wasn't interested in who'd they cast for the role. I have like cosmically big shoes to fill, so it can't be pulled off by any Hollywood pretty boy. I was leaning toward them casting some brawny fellow for the body, but get Christopher Lee to do the voice.

What did Marvel's movie division and 20th Century Fox do?

They made the character based on me a cloud.

A FREAKING CLOUD!

What in the name of the big bang is that all about?

What were they thinking?

That drooling pimple-popping fanboys would fork over their money for a glimpse of Jessica Alba in a spandex bodysuit and not give a royal crap about the rest, that's what they were thinking.

What a pack of bastards.

It shows the exact reason why sequels are under-performing at the box office this year. Producers and filmmakers don't want to deal with characters and stories, all they want are lots of computer generated explosions, chicks in tight outfits, and the occasional shot at the Bush administration. So they take cheap short cuts, like making ME of all the people in the cosmos, a freaking cosmic killer fart.

I'm one of the most powerful villains in the Marvel comics universe. I literally eat planets and shit asteroids. I'm also charming, erudite, and drop dead sexy.

That's not a cloud.

I may not be allowed to eat Earth, but I think I might make a nice light snack out of Hollywood.

Bastards.

1 comment:

Redneck Chris said...

Actually Galactus, the sequels are underperfoming because they are so crammed against each other. When Spiderman 2 came out, it had 3 weeks before any decent challenger came out. This year, in the third week not just any challenger, but Shrek comes out. So instead of pathetic people like me shelling out for the 5th or 6th time to see Spidey 3, I'm in Shrek 3. A week later, Pirates 3 comes out and further cripples Spidey and lays a hurting on Shrek. When Shrek 2 came out it had a most fortunate position. It came after Passion and Farenshit 911. People were tired of the politics and Shrek gave them an outlet. It also had no competition for a full month. Pirates is tracking pretty close to the second one, but again, Fantastic 4 is now hitting them, Ratatouile is next, then Transformers then Harry Potter. I saw Spidey 2 at least 4 times at the theater. I saw Shrek with my kids at least 5 times at the theater. Don't get me started on how much I spent on Pirates 2. But this year, the next one comes out so soon, it gets my money.

I will agree, for someone who eats planets and craps asteroids a cloud does not do it credit. I would have liked to seen something else as well. Still, it was a cool cloud. Looked real forboding.

Spiderman 3 was the best of the Spiderman series. Pirates 3 was the best of the Pirates series. Shrek, however, was weak. Funny, but not hilarious. Fantastic 4 rocked. Can't wait for Transformers and Potter.