MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time for another edition of the wonderfully cromunlent Moxargon Group. I'm your host, Remulak Moxargon. And I'm joined by most of our usual panel, Xran the Fleshrender, and Varos Quasar, and Tektak F. Mechanoid is sitting in for Android Cai/7 who is having a little holiday this week.
TEKTAK- Where exactly is he? Androids don't take holidays.
XRAN- What did you do with him?
MOXARGON- You may remember our little misunderstanding a few months ago?
VAROS- He tried to steal the blog from you and you vaporized his body, leaving only his head.
MOXARGON- Thanks for the the exposition Varos. I sent him off to the Cybernautix Repair Yards for a new body and an upgrade.
TEKTAK- That's very generous of you.
XRAN- A little too generous. What are you really up to?
MOXARGON- Okay, Android Cai/7 is getting a brand new body and a very special upgrade. The next time he so much as looks at me funny...ZAP!
VAROS- Isn't that a little cruel?
MOXARGON- Well, it's fun, so it must be. Don't tell Android Cai/7 what I did. I want it to be a surprise when he inevitably turns on me.
TEKTAK- It'll be an improvement. Seeing his head rolling around the office on a little red-wagon was a bit creepy.
MOXARGON- But enough of this personal chit-chat. Let's get to business. First issue: There were a series of attempted car-bombings in Britain. The first were aimed at the nightclub district of London, the second attack was on the Glasgow airport in Scotland. What do you think?
XRAN- I guess Gordon Brown should realize that naming George Soros' toady Mark Malloch Brown to the House of Lords will not appease Islamic terrorists.
VAROS- Who said anything about Islamic terrorists? The British press are saying the attackers were "Asian." That means they could be Chinese or Japanese.
TEKTAK- Can I field this one, Remulak?
MOXARGON- Go right ahead.
TEKTAK- Varos you ignorant slut. Everyone knows the British media use the term "Asian" as code to describe people of Pakistani Muslim, or Middle Eastern Muslim descent. If the bombers were Buddhists, the BBC would call them Buddhists, if they were Hindus, the BBC would have called them Hindus. Islamic terrorists have to be referred euphemistically by the British Press because doing otherwise might rile up Islamist protesters, and it also might lend some credibility to the War on Terror.
XRAN- Plus Hindus and Buddhists don't cry out the name of Allah while struggling with people trying to stop them.
VAROS- They might if they were part of some vast conspiracy. Besides, no one was killed, I suggest we just right this off as the work of some lone losers with an idiotic plan, and we shouldn't be concerned about it.
MOXARGON- Okay, I'm going to take this one. Varos, all terrorist plans look idiotic until the bomb goes off. We're not dealing with the brightest buttons on the Earthling shirt here. If they had a few more functioning brain cells they'd be spending the oil money on schools, hospitals, and capital investments to improve their countries, not squandering it on palaces and suicide bombers. This whole war of radical Islam against civilisation is founded on a solid foundation of ignorance.
VAROS- Now you're being offensive. And the West's constant offensiveness is the root cause of this war.
MOXARGON- And setting off a car full of explosives, gasoline and nails is not offensive? Come on, get with the program. The leaders of the Islamic World have screwed the pooch and they know it. So they use the old tactic to cover up screw ups, they tell their people that it's the outsider's fault. That their society, hellish as it is, is somehow blessed by Allah, and that they need to destroy the outsiders, or infidels, to make the world blessed.
VAROS- What about the Crusades?
MOXARGON- The Crusades were a weak, and ultimately unsuccessful imitation of Jihad.
VAROS- What about Salman Rushdie's knighthood?
MOXARGON- If it's not Rushdie, it's a cartoon, if it's not a cartoon, it's an op-ed piece in a newspaper. The key to keeping the Islamic world's thuggish kleptocrats in power is to keep their people outraged. There is nothing the rest of the world can do to stop it outside of a liberal sprinkling of plasma bombs and the mobilization of an army of killbots. The Islamic World has been conned into rejecting the future in exchange for a past that never existed. And what happens to people that reject the future?
XRAN- They have no future.
MOXARGON- Thanks Xran, and if sane Muslims want to avoid being swept up in the inevitable whirlwind of destruction, they have to stand up to the constant death threats and toss their lot in with the only side that won't kill them for being who they are, the West. Now let's move onto our next topic: It's been a mixed week for the right of free speech. The Dems failed to revive the so-called "Fairness Doctrine," meanwhile the Supreme Court knocked down a key provision of the McCain/Feingold law about 'advocacy ads,' but also shot down the "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" claim. Let's ask our resident legal scholar.
XRAN- Who's that?
MOXARGON- That's you.
XRAN- I guess I am. I've been before more judges than anyone here. Well let me break it down. Fairness Doctrine= Democrats regulating political speech = Bad. McCain/Feingold = Big money fat cats start foundations to control political parties = Bad.
MOXARGON- What about Bong Hits 4 Jesus?
XRAN- I don't know what the principal was more upset about, the bong hits, or the Jesus.
MOXARGON- Good thought there.
TEKTAK- I can't top it.
VAROS- What's wrong with Democrats regulating speech, don't they have the best interests of America at heart?
(Everybody laughs, except Varos)
MOXARGON- Dammit Varos. Sometimes you crack me up too much. Our next topic is Zimbabwe. The African country's leading cleric is asking Britain and other western nations to invade Zimbabwe and topple dictator Robert Mugabe.
XRAN- Mugabe is a disgrace. He's turned one of Africa's top exporters of food into a famine riddled basket case.
TEKTAK- I guess this is where I say something about Mugabe being illogical.
MOXARGON- We all know that.
VAROS- What about all the good Mugabe has done?
MOXARGON- Whatever good he did do is long gone by now. He could have been the father of his country, but instead he became just another third world dictator who had an opportunity for greatness and blew it. And that leads us to our next topic. Vladimir Putin, Acting Czar of All the Russias, is now laying claim to the North Pole because there might be oil and diamonds under the ice.
XRAN- There seems to be a theme in all the news this week. Dictator screws up, so he starts making paranoid, and often nutty claims, to cover up the fact that their countries are falling apart.
TEKTAK- Yeah, look at the gas rationing in Iran. Talk about nasty riots and stuff, all so Ahmadinejad can piss more of their money away on Hezbollah.
VAROS- Dictators are just trying to protect their nations from evil western influences like democracy and freedom.
TEKTAK- God, it's like talking to Snotglob. Or a fire hydrant. I'm not quite sure which.
MOXARGON- You know what, let's call it a wrap for today. We're all going down to Vox Poplar's house for a special Canada Day Barbecue.
XRAN- Mighty nice of him to invite us to a barbecue.
MOXARGON- Not really, we're just going to get drunk, trash his place and set it on fire. So until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.