8.31.2007

An Android Among The Stars #16: 1 on 1 with Brian DePalma

ANDROID CAI/7- Greetings organic Earthlings and secretly intelligent appliances that are plotting against them. It's time for another edition of An Android Among the Stars. I am doing something different today, instead of my usual short pieces and pithy commentary, I am having a one on one interview with director Brian DePalma. His latest film Redacted, is making a buzz at the Venice Film Festival, Cannes' slower brother, with its savage portrayal of American servicemen in Iraq. Welcome to our blog Mr. DePalma.

DEPALMA- I'd thank you for inviting me, but you didn't invite me. I was in my hotel room, on the toilet, there was a flash of light and now I stuck in some metal tube.

ANDROID CAI/7- I borrowed Vox Poplar's Steel Tube of Truth. It is a device that will keep you from lying.

DEPALMA- You kidnapped me!

ANDROID CAI/7- Technically it's an abduction. Let us begin the interview. What was you inspiration for the film Redacted?

DEPALMA- I was deeply moved by the tragedy of a....
(ZAP)
Aaaargh! What the hell was that?

ANDROID CAI/7- I think Vox calls that the 'truth prodder' it comes on when you fight the tube of truth.

DEPALMA- That hurt, in ways even I don't like to imagine.

ANDROID CAI/7- Would you like to answer the question truthfully now?

DEPALMA- All right. I made the movie because I want to make American troops look bad.

ANDROID CAI/7- Why would you wish to paint all American servicemen to look like disgusting rapists?

DEPALMA- It's my box office. I haven't had a hit in years, literally years. Look at the Black Dahlia, I had a best-selling novel, up and coming stars, and a huge marketing blitz, and the gross on that couldn't pay for John Edward's hair gel supply. I'm jinxed, everything I touch turns to shit. I need to find a way to keep making films until my luck turns around.

ANDROID CAI/7- And making a fiercely anti-American movie while your country is at war with Islamist radicals will do that? Will it not fail at the box-office like all the others?

DEPALMA- It'll fall harder than Britney Spears' taste in clothes, but that won't matter. All I have to do is make a bunch of statements about how it's an indictment of the whole Bushitler-Halliburton conspiracy, slander America's troops, and I'll be immunized.

ANDROID CAI/7- Immunized from what?

DEPALMA- Failure. Hollywood is bleeding money like a gunshot victim in one of my old movies, and a lot of that is being blown on whiny vanity projects whose only point is to try to make the stars look good while making the America look bad. Hollywood hates Bush so much that it is willing to jeopardize its economic health to attack him and everything he stands for, including America. I want in on that gravy train.

Look what it's done for Paul Haggis, until a couple of years ago he was known as the hack behind Walker: Texas Ranger. And thanks to rich white liberal guilt and Bush hatred he's going to wrack up even more Oscars and fat contracts, even though his box-office grosses are smaller than a flea's pecker.

ANDROID CAI/7- So let me get this straight for the slower organics who visit this blog. The whole reason you made this film is to use Hollywood's deranged hatred of Bush to protect you from your own failures as a filmmaker?

DEPALMA- Exactly.

ANDROID CAI/7- Wouldn't a more patriotic, or barring that, a more honest film be potentially profitable?

DEPALMA- Sure, but if I was to do an honest movie that showed Al-Qaeda terrorists being praised for doing the things the men in my movie were arrested, tried and punished by the US government for, I might sell a lot of tickets, but I'd be cast out of Hollywood forever.

If I take an isolated incident, like the one in my film, and then use it to slander all of the American military I'm safe, and I can blame the inevitable poor ticket sales on being somehow 'silenced' by the evil Bush administration. Hell, I'll probably say that in my Oscar acceptance speech.

ANDROID CAI/7- There you have it Earthlings, Hollywood has truly become deranged putting aside even their own greed to maintain their hatred of Bush and America. That's all for now...

2 comments:

Chris said...

No shit. Got it in one.

Muslihoon said...

There is a movie coming out in November, I believe, of this year, entitled "The Kingdom". It is about an elite FBI team that is attempting to get the mastermind of an anti-American terrorist attack - both the attack and the mastermind being in Saudi Arabia, to where the elite FBI team goes, and which team is given only five days to wrap up their gig, as it were.

I'm not sure if it has already been released on DVD or when its theatrical release will occur in outer space. In any case, I please to be asking you to be doing the review when you are able to be canning to do so.

From the preview, this may be a unique movie that takes America's side: but I need to be sure before I see it. I'll already be emotionally worked-up over the terrorist attack (albeit completely fictional): I don't need to suffer a heart attack from rage at yet another anti-American movie-maker person thingy.