8.29.2007

Xran's Update!

Hi Earthlings.

Xran here, and I have to say that things are still a little hectic around here. Remulak's kids are going back to school, Android CAI-7 is getting lubed, Vox says he's doing something 'literary' but he's really just writing letters to Penthouse again, Varos is getting a butt-lift, which is funny because his species does not have butts, Snotglob's being Snotglob, and TekTak's filming a25th anniversary reunion special for the cast of Family Units.

At least, the ones that are out of jail will be reuniting...


Anyhoo, Remulak asked me to do one of those NEWS OF THE EARTH thingees to fill space while everyone's running around like Targellian snorkelwaggers. I just find that whole scene a little boring, I did just do one a few days ago, and I am an investigative journalist, so I'm doing my own thing and calling it XRAN'S UPDATE!

Because I'm feeling bitchy.

Speaking of bitchy....

LEONA HELMSLEY died, and left 12 million Earth dollars to her dog. Yes, I said dog, as in four legs, fur, and a tendency to poop in public. Which also describes my cousin Xpar, but we don't talk about him. She also disinherited two grandchildren. Lovely.

Remulak told me that he thinks the dog was the only creature the lovely Leona ever treated like a human being, he also said something abo
ut the dog not being the only bitch in the family, but that was a bit harsh.

I know it's bad karma to speak ill of the dead, but what about the karma of someone who doesn't give the living much of a choice?

HILLARY'S FAVE MONEY-MAN NORMAN HSU is not only funneling money to
her campaign through rather shady means. He's also a wanted fugitive over a swindling case. Apparently the LAPD has been looking for him for the past few years, when all they had to do was buy a ticket to a Democratic Party fundraiser. Of course the LAPD doesn't have the money in its budget to afford the tickets for two cops to arrest him. You gotta have the big bucks to see Hillary.

New Hillary campaign slogans:

Vote for me, I have lousy taste in men!

Vote Clinton, this time all the scandals will be about money!

Vote Clinton, because all that illegal campaign money can't be wrong!

Her staff says she's going to give it all away to charity. If you'd like to match her donations, here's a list of the charities she's giving the dirty, sexy, money too:
  1. The Bubba C Foundation
  2. The Hamptons 4 Hillary Charitable Trust
  3. Hillary House, a home for constantly embarrassed former first ladies (Democrats only)
  4. The Hush Money Slush Fund
She just keeps giving, and not to charity, but to humour bloggers.

But things are looking up, she just got an endorsement from...

FIDEL CASTRO!

That's right, Hollywood's favourite homophobic, free-speech suppressing, political opponent executing dictator said that a Hillary/Obama ticket would be unbeatable. He should know since he's stood in sooo many real elections...

Oh wait, he hasn't.

Anyhoo. He made this pronouncement by moving Madame Opal's Ouija board pointer to spell out their names and then rapped on the table 3 times to signal his endorsement.

Hillary responded by saying that she was flattered by being endorsed by someone as good as crushing his enemies as Castro, but preferred a big whopping pile of cash.

ENVIRONMENTALIST PATRICK MOORE royally pimp-slapped Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio's enviro screed where he, Deepak Chopra, and that guy with the beard tell us how you've doomed your planet.

You Earthlings are lucky, at least the trees on your planet don't fight back like they do on mine. Christmas is a dangerous time with them in the house.

Anyhoo, time to go.

So remember to have fun, because you never know if tomorrow will bring a homicidal horde of android troopers to your door.

2 comments:

Davros said...

You used the word "anyhoo" three fucking times in that post. If you used the word "anyhoo" in the future you! Will! Be! Destroyed! And! The! Daleks! Will! Rule! The! Universe!!!1!!

Xran The FleshRender said...

Anyhoo...

That's the way I talk, beotch.

And let me tell you, I know Daleks, I've worked with Daleks, hell, I've even been friends with Daleks, and you sir are no Dalek.

Kiss my hairy grits.

Which are to the left.