8.21.2007

What is Your Major Malfunction?

Being a cyborg I find that I have a rather unique position when it comes to understanding both organic and machine behavior.

But there are some times when the behavior of humans begs me to ask the question:





WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

Don't say you don't ask that question yourself, because then you'd be a liar.

So I'd like to pose variations of this question to various Earthlings...

MICHAEL VICK: You had a career with the NFL that could have netted you a fortune in the hundreds of millions of dollars. Yet you pissed it all away to feel like a 'big time gangsta' running a decidedly small time dog-fighting operation. Now you've plead guilty, the homies, who you ran the dogfights to impress, have ratted you out to save their own hides, and your name is now synonymous with hurting animals, which makes you lower than pond scum in the books of the average American.

Was it worth it?

Couldn't you see what discovery would do to you?

Are you that twisted that you'll toss everything you worked for away just to be cruel?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

DEMOCRATS: I know you need America to be trembling and weak in order for your party to grab and maintain power, but is it necessary to tear the nation apart while it's in the middle of a war? And you're so wishy-washy about it. You declared the surge a failure before it started, the war lost before it was finished, and now that it looks like America may just win despite you, you're now taking credit for the 'surge' and now want the democratically elected Iraqi government taken down.

Are you so blinded with hatred of Bush, a lust for power, and the donations of shady hedge fund operators that you can't see that the world is in an existential struggle between the 21st century world of the West, and the mythical 7th century world of the radical Islamist?

Is getting control of congress and the presidency worth it when it will mean the deaths of thousands, if not millions, of people in the future?

Why do you hate democracy so much, when you've named your party after it?

Do you really place any value on what you claim are your values?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

ROSIE O'DONNELL: A recent quasi-haiku screed of yours basically said that lying causes cancer. That has about as much scientific merit as claiming that fire does not melt steel, but it is still a strange, narrow minded, and cruel thing to say.

How can you say that when you've built your entire career on the lie of pretending to be nice, when deep down you're full of anger, resentment, bitterness and hatred?

How can you hate a nation that allowed someone like you, devoid of looks, personality, or talent, to become a rich and successful entertainer?

How can you honestly believe that the American government engineered 9/11/01?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS: Isn't it time we let this whole 'body art' fad to rest.

How does getting a tattoo declare your 'individuality,' when over 1/3 of people under 50 have at least one?

Doesn't that make you just part of the herd?

Why would you put a picture you wouldn't put on your wall permanently on your body?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Okay Vlad, the Russian economy's chugging along, thanks to its oil and gas reserves, but things aren't all that rosy. The country's population is collapsing, Islamists are poised to take over, China's nipping at your outer edges, yet you insist on standing as an enemy to the West, while coddling the very people who want to carve your country up.

Don't you realize that the West is the only chance Russia has to survive?

Why are you trying to restart the Cold War with the USA, when there is a hot one between civilization and Islamist barbarism?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

TRUST FUND ANARCHISTS: Lord save us all from you obnoxious dorks in your masks and hooded sweatshirts who are able to attend every goofball political protest because Daddy is the biggest car dealer in Portland Oregon and will pay for the lawyers and restitution to get you out of trouble.

Do you honestly think that smashing windows will somehow help your cause, or are you just a bunch of dicks?

And why do you think that you have the right to throw rocks at police, and that the police have no right to beat your pasty white ass for doing it?

Do you honestly believe that trying to storm a summit meeting to 'arrest' George W. Bush for 'crimes against humanity' makes you look like anything other than the political equivalent of a spoiled brat who overdosed on too much Chomsky and not enough reality?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

That's all for now. I'll probably come up with more later, so until then, stay on point!

6 comments:

Wyatt Earp said...

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would be proud!

Muslihoon said...

I am impressed by your use of the word "Islamist." Very impressive.

Question: I have been wondering for some time: why have you chosen to write English with British spelling?

TekTak F. Mechanoid said...

Good question Muslihoon.

We scanned a British dictionary for our translator matrix. That's why we tend to use the traditional British, or correct, spelling form.

Remulak MoxArgon said...

I'd also like to add that people used to complain about my spelling when we first started, that's why I used the British dictionary.

And to the people who complained about my spelling, I would like any one of them who can communicate in over 6 billion languages to spell correctly in every one.

Muslihoon said...

I suppose I should find it natural how such powerful and widespread beings as yourselves would adopt the spelling system of our planet's formerly most powerful and widespread empire. At one point, the sun never set on the British Empire.

Now, we hope the sun will rise someday on a new Anglo-Saxon Empire. Because, at least as far as America is concerned, something we're doing is right, taking our standard of living and economy into consideration. One would hope others would wish to incorporated into this system of progress, freedom, liberty, and better lives and better futures.

Damian G. said...

Actually, the spellings affected me as Canadian, especially the use of "ize" instead of "ise" in words like realize/realise.

I prefer British English myself, and I'm American. Noah Webster can suck it.