11.24.2007

Laying Down The Law Part 3: The Earthlings Speak


Greetings puny Earthlings. It's you future Lord and Master Remulak MoxArgon here, and I've been going through your suggestions for laws to be enacted when I bring your wretched little marble of a planet to heel.

So let's see what your puny little Earthling brains have come up with.
Fuloydo said...

What have you got to deal with frivolous lawsuits?

I'm thinking an extra time in the slammer for convicts trying to game the system, assuming they are trying to game the system and it's not a legitimate complaint.

For people not in jail....perhaps having to pay a minimum of 10% of what they were asking for to the people they tried to sue if they lose? Plus another 10% levied against the lawyer who took their case?
We have a very simple system in my empire, which is called the Known Universe. If a person files a lawsuit in good faith, because they honestly feel that they have been wronged, but the suit is found wanting, they may have to pay a portion of the defendant's legal fees if necessary.

If the suit is filed in bad faith, solely for the impoverishment of the
defendant through a barrage of legal fees, they have to pay all of the defendant's legal bills, and then have the choice of being forced out an airlock or face the deadly Rancor in open combat armed only with a rubber band.

Only a fellow named McGyver escaped the Rancor.

Clever little bastard!

Next up is..
Smilin' Joe Fission said...

One out of every 5th person getting a welfare check is to be lined up and shot in the street as an incentive to get off of welfare.

Include WIC with it.

9 out of every 10 liberals taken care of the same way.
Oh primitive ignorant Earthlings.

You don't need to shoot anyone to inspire people to get off welfare.

Not when you have mind controlling brain-slugs to do it for you.

And I assume WIC is some local form of injury compensation on your planet, I can tell you that we don't have that at all. When you have android doctors capable of replacing limbs and organs, and restoring the horribly mangled to perfect health within 24 Earth hours, it's really not necessary.

And I shot 9 out of 10 liberals who will work in the mucus mines?

Have you thought of that?

I don't think you did.

Next up...
RememberSekhmet said...

IQ tests for computer ownership, to be administered by comptetent, experienced tech support.
I hope spelling isn't included in the test, because your spelling of competent would condemn you to using a Commodore 64.
Public flaying for all losers who try to impersonate veterans. Followed by a lemon-juice bath if above impersonation was done to defame actual troops.
So, you believe in being soft on phony veterans. We normally just put them in stocks installed beneath the public lavatories at our monthly chili cook-off.

Oh the screams coming from those holes after TekTak's Kosher Napalm Chili would scare the horns off Deimonas of Atreyu.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio is appointed to head the prison system.
We're in contract negotiations with him, how did you guess?
Wyatt Earp said...

Would you consider hood-mounted plasma rifles for slow drivers ahead of you?
I have mine installed behind the headlights of my limo-transport. It only disintegrates the car, leaving the driver and passengers intact, so I can run them over as a lesson in good road etiquette. Though I don't think you Earthlings have the cranial capacity to use such tools wisely.

For now, you will only be permitted sonic disruptors, set to the 'brown note.'
Random Walker said...

The name Ron Paul will not be included in any political pool with the exception of the contest for the “Biggest Douche of the Universe”
Actually, he's only the 17th Biggest Douche in the Universe, behind Zeldar The Biggest Douchebag in the Universe, Odorios the Lesser Douche of Nehama IV and Al Gore.
Gnome Chimpski, Al Gorebot and Michael Mooron can no longer be cited as authorities on any topic (other than how to be a braking moonbat).
I don't know, my seers see them becoming quite expert on the topic of mucus mining in the near future.
Failure to obey above laws will result in the offender being fed to Michael Mooron (if Michael Mooron disobeys he will not be fed).
He's going to be too busy shoveling mucus to eat anyone. But good suggestions nonetheless.
Hippies will be washed. Survivors will be washed again, All we are saying is: “give soap a chance”
Cleanliness in the mucus mines will be strictly enforced. With caustic soap and wire brushes for the really recalcitrant ones.
Moonbat, traitor saboteurs who drop their babies while protesting will themselves be dropped… from the outer orbit.
Good idea, the orbital mucus haulers could use exterior ballast when they do a re-entry, and their children can definitely use new parents.
Those who demand income redistribution will see their income redistributed.
It won't be much, since mucus mine labour is paid mostly with food scraps, but we can try it as a social experiment.
Chicopanther

I think you should also sentence spammers, phishers, and malware authors to only being able to use computers that have been rendered unusable because of their own garbage!
You Earthlings, so innocent and naive.

You're assuming that I'm going to let them live in any form where they'd be capable of computer use.
Damian G. said...

Please, please, for the love of God, make FOX News stop playing crap "news" stories about Britney, O.J. and the latest pretty white girl to go missing.

You've already vaporised Greta Van Susteren for her insolence on the matter; could you please make the rest of the network follow suit?
I own shares, and the audience seems to like the occasional dose of crappy faux news as long as it involves blonde hair, boobs and faux celebrities, who are also boobs.

Yes, I'm a bastard.

And finally this rather cryptic message from an Earthling...
Your Jewish Master said...

You probably already know that the Jews run things down here. Now, the Ron Paul supporters have been doing their best to expose our Zionist Conspiracy and New World Order, but have been able to keep close track, and eliminate the squeekiest wheels.

But my office did not receive any memo, let alone tribute from the Moxargons. And I must say, I am shocked. You know you face great annoyance when you get here, due to the aforementioned Zionist Conspiracy and New World Order. Just ask the Ron Paulians. So do the right thing, no-nose!

For now, you will be entered into the Blogroll for further investigation.
Hmmm....

This Hebraic Hegemonist seems to think that I should be paying tribute to him....

Someone's off their meds.

I run THE KNOWN UNIVERSE, which is also known as ALL OF THE UNIVERSE, except the primitive little armpit worlds like your planet that I leave free for my amusement.

You're so primitive you probably don't even know that when you reach one end of the Universe, you enter the other end once you get past the Great Taffy Barrier.

Besides, I don't do the tribute thing. It's inefficient and wasteful. I have a flat tax of 15% on gross income and corporate revenue. You'd be surprised at how well that works.

Well, it's been a good laugh seeing how your puny minds work, but I've got some other things to do, like...

LINK PIMPING!


So keep watching the skies, because we're watching you!

2 comments:

Fuloydo said...

I like it, but you didn't address what happens to the lawyer in those offending cases.

Does he get to help his client with the Rancor and/or get pushed out the airlock? If so, who gets to choose?

Smilin' Joe Fission said...

Do liberals make good miners? I would think the hippies had stoned their brains to pulp, hence their liberalism.

As for WIC, it is a form of welfare called Women Infant and Children supplement. It gives them free bread, milk and other basics in addition to their leaching with food stamps and checks. I wanted that included to ensure we kill off the breeding welfare mares in equal or greater numbers than the dogs knocking them up.

I am glad you have mind control slugs to deal with them though. Thanks.