Red Eye Red Face

Greetings organic meat sacs of the planet Earth.

It's Android CAI-7 here and I have something that Remulak doesn't want you to see.

Recently my colleagues went on their annual Halloween expedition to Earth, and while all returned more or less intact, things did not go well there.

Remulak was insistent on meeting Fox Business News Hollywood Pundit Govindini Murty, but apparently he put his trust in Xran's navigational skills and ended up at the wrong show.

A very, very wrong show.

If I had the capacity to laugh, I would, now they destroyed all evidence and wiped all memories of their disastrous TV debut, but I have the last remaining transcript of the program.


GREG GUTFELD-Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Anderson Cooper 360, without the good looks and big money. We have some special guests for this special Halloween edition of Red Eye, and they appear to have all arrived in costume--

MOXARGON- This is NOT a costume!

GREG GUTFELD- First up is blogger and pundit Remulak MoxArgon. If witty and intelligent commentary were alien hordes, he'd be my Intergalactic Overlord.

MOXARGON- I am your intergalactic overlord!

GREG GUTFELD- Next up is Xran the Fleshrender, if sharp political analysis were a thermometer, he'd be wedged up my butt telling me how hot I was.

XRAN- What the hell?

GREG GUTFELD- Bill Schultz, my grotesque sidekick is missing, and presumed molested, in his place is Snotglob the Mutant. If slime were lubricant... oh hell, I'm not touching that one.

MOXARGON- You and everybody else.

SNOTGLOB- You're all pigs.

GREG GUTFELD- But first the Greg-a-logue. I want to take a minute to talk about Hillary Clinton's unending hunger for illegal Chinese campaign donations. All I can say is that if taking money from the same people who invaded Tibet and slaughtered protester in Tiannamen Square is wrong then Hillary doesn't want to be right. And that's my gut feeling!

MOXARGON- I would like to state for the record that we are not supposed to be here. And it's all Xran's fault.

XRAN- My fault!

MOXARGON- You insisted on coming to Fox News headquarters in New York, when the woman I came to Earth to meet Govindini Murty is in Los Angeles!

XRAN- I heard she worked for Fox, I thought she'd be here.

SNOTGLOB- I think Vox Poplar knew where she was.

MOXARGON- Then I guess we shouldn't have plasma-stunned him and stole his car.

XRAN- Sheesh, I just made that as a suggestion, it wasn't really a plan.

GREG GUTFELD- Can we get back to the show? I know it's a slow news week, but I still have to do something or Rupert Murdoch's going to beat me.

MOXARGON- Fine. Since I'm stuck on this ratty little cesspool of a show, we might as well talk. So speak!

GREG GUTFELD- Okay. Our first topic is driver's licenses for illegal aliens. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is all for them. Hillary Clinton is sometimes for them, sometimes against them. Where do you stand?

MOXARGON- I stand that this is done much better on my own blog.

GREG GUTFELD- How about driver's licenses for illegal aliens?

MOXARGON- Driver's licenses for illegal aliens only serves one purpose, and that is to promote voter fraud, and since investigations have proven that voter fraud favours Democrats it's Spitzer's attempt to hold onto power despite a performance in Albany that swings between dismal and paranoid.

GREG GUTFELD- How do you feel Snotglob?

SNOTGLOB- It's good that you phrased that question that way. Because this is not an issue that requires thought. It is an issue that requires a purely emotional stance. It's about being fair to people who come to violate the laws of this country so they can send money back their homeland to prop up their tottering governments. And to increase the level of fairness that a purely emotional response calls for Americans must sacrifice their language, their ideals, and even their constitution to make their country more like the countries these illegal aliens come from.

XRAN- Since Tektak's not here I guess I should step in for him. Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! Basically you're calling for the entire planet to be reduced to Third World levels as a form of fairness.

SNOTGLOB- Yes. Because making Third World countries function more efficiently would be racist.

MOXARGON- Snotglob you never cease to find new depths. What's the next topic?

GREG GUTFELD- I'd like to say something on the issue.

MOXARGON- And I'm the one with a Particle Blaster.

GREG GUTFELD- Good point. It looks like the Mainstream Media been embarrassed again, this time taking a spoof press release by lefty protest group Code Pink as a legitimate press release from private security firm Blackwater USA. What do you think?

MOXARGON- It's hardly surprising the MSM's been believing everything Code Pink has been saying for years.

SNOTGLOB- Code Pink is just speaking truth to power!

MOXARGON- Okay, I'm going to stun Snotglob.

GREG GUTFELD- Go right ahead.

(Moxargon shoots Snotglob who passes out on table)

XRAN- The MSM should have seen that the Blackwater press release was fake. First, it was printed on pink paper that smelled of patchouli oil, second, Blackwater was too busy burning down San Diego to write it. At least, that's what Randi Rhodes told me at Duffy's Tavern today. -Hic-

GREG GUTFELD- Let's go to our ombudsman Andy Levy. Andy.

(Tektak appears on a monitor at Andy Levy's desk)

TEKTAK- Sorry Greg, Andy Levy is a little tied up.

GREG GUTFELD- I can see that, he's tied to the desk behind you.

TEKTAK- At least he's now realized that the more he struggles the tighter it becomes.

GREG GUTFELD- That knot work looks familiar. Do you know Madame Exotica?

TEKTAK- Yes. He's my cousin.

GREG GUTFELD- Let's change the subject.

TEKTAK- All right. First up, Xran, nice save with the 'hermaphrodite slut' line, though I would have put more emphasis on the word 'ignorant.' Just letting you know. I'd also like to point out that Hillary Clinton is starting a new fundraising campaign because she performed so poorly on the MSNBC Democratic candidate debate. Apparently someone told her that there was a shady dollar out there she hadn't already taken.

MOXARGON- Will the wonders ever cease.

TEKTAK- And it looks like the Writer's Guild is going on strike, thus causing a potential drought of whiny anti-war movies that no one will see.

MOXARGON- I think the writers went to strike on this show before it even started.

GREG GUTFELD- Come on, this is my show!

MOXARGON- And you're on at 3 AM on Fox News. What does that tell you?

GREG GUTFELD- That's it, you're going down!

MOXARGON- Bring it on beotch!

(Greg Gutfeld lunges at Moxargon who grabs him by the head and lifts him off the floor. Greg Gutfeld's stubby limbs flail madly in the air.)

XRAN- Whose up for a complete memory wipe of this fiasco?

I will regret this later when Remulak sees what I have done, but I think it was worth it.


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