1.10.2008

A Few Thoughts From Your Alien Overlord: The Primaries

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I'm just going to take a minute to look at some of the top candidates in your interminable Presidential Primary Process.

THE DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton: Won New Hampshire by crying. I was surprised, because I know that Hillary's tears contain enough acid to burn through steel. Back in the old days we used to get her to watch films of Reagan's election to get her to cry and then use the acid to clean astral gunk off our spaceships.

Barack Obama: I'm sure he's a nice guy, and he charmed the Iowa caucuses. But he's essentially an empty suit, and his campaign's just been hit with the kiss of death: The Endorsement of John Kerry.

John Edwards: I'm so pretty... I'm so pretty... Sorry, that song gets stuck in my head for some reason... Anyway, John Edwards is trying to pass himself off as the defender of the proletariat, as long as the proletariat don't live anywhere near him.

THE REPUBLICANS

Mike Huckabee: Basically Jimmy Carter without the apparent Antisemitism. He's essentially a pro-life liberal Democrat, complete with shifty past as Arkansas governor, but he seems to be proving years of Lefty paranoia right by getting the Evangelicals to vote for him simply because he says Jesus wants them too. Evangelicals, remember this: You only have his word for it!

Mitt Romney: He's experienced, likable, mostly conservative, with management skills. But I can't just support a man whose full name is 'Mitten.'

John McCain: Won New Hampshire again. A certified War Hero, but he's never met a banker he's didn't love, and he's responsible for the asinine McCain Feingold electoral bastardization bill.

Rudy Giuliani: Needs to get off his ass and do what he does best: fight like a dirty bastard.


Fred Thompson: Needs to work harder and get more attention. I suggest beating Huckabee with a baseball bat screaming "Where's your Messiah now?" like Edward G. Robinson in the 10 Commandments.

I need sleep, I'm getting cranky.

Good night and keep watching the skies, be
cause we're watching you, and here's Sarkozy's girlfriend again...


2 comments:

B.C. said...

With you posting that pic of Sarkozy's sack-buddy again, are you sure you're not trying to start an "Erection 2008!" campaign? ;-)

That little Italian honey could make over-cooked spaghetti stand up and salute.

irish19 said...

Just goes to prove that there's at least one Frenchman who knows how to do something (or should I say someone) right. RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOWWWWWW!