MOMENT OF TRUTH COMMENTARY
BY
SEN. BARACK OBAMA
(D-Ill.)
My fellow Democrats.
I am here today to tell you about how I am an agent of change you can--
--Wait a minute?
--Where did this steel tube come from, and why is it labelled Vox Poplar's Patented Stainless Steel Tube of Truth?
--Why do I suddenly have the urge to tell the truth?
Oh hell! I'm a Democrat, I can't tell the truth!
But I can't stop!!!
Must--tell--truth!
Now someone's passing me notes, asking questions that I can't lie or obfuscate about...
I am here today to tell you about how I am an agent of change you can--
--Wait a minute?
--Where did this steel tube come from, and why is it labelled Vox Poplar's Patented Stainless Steel Tube of Truth?
--Why do I suddenly have the urge to tell the truth?
Oh hell! I'm a Democrat, I can't tell the truth!
But I can't stop!!!
Must--tell--truth!
Now someone's passing me notes, asking questions that I can't lie or obfuscate about...
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
Yes, he is a bigot.
Yes, he runs a church that wouldn't exactly welcome my own mother with open arms.
Yes, he's buddies with Farrakhan, and he's a conspiracy nut.
But it's not like I actually believed in anything he said.
You see, I'm a Democrat, and as a Democrat, I don't really believe in anything but getting power for myself and my financial backers.
I only joined that church because it's the largest black church in Chicago's South Side, and I needed it to get me the street cred I needed to get elected. Face it, I'm half-white, I look like Don Knotts, and I spent my life surrounded by white people in private prep-schools and the Ivy League. I might as well change my name to John Kerry and live in Boston.
If I actually believed in anything I would have said something about how Wright's cult of victimization is doing more to oppress African-Americans than anything done by "The Man."
But then I wouldn't be a Democrat.
MICHELLE OBAMA
My wife actually does seem to believe in a lot of Rev. Wright's teachings.
Why else would a woman who got into Ivy League schools mostly because she was a legacy* of her older brother and had a successful career making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, not feel proud of the country that made it all possible?
REASONS FOR MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
Now this is the tough part. I don't want to talk about it, but I have to...
You see, I'm running now, because I won't be able to run in the future.
My entire political career has been spent getting elected, not actually doing anything after I get elected.
If I don't run now, when I'm still mostly an unknown quantity to the national audience, avoid anything specific, and rely solely on vague platitudes and charm, I will have to run later, and that's bad.
If I run later, people will know that I have nothing but charm and vague platitudes. I have no real plans, and any attempts at making real plans just embarrass me and my campaign.
This is my one shot for the big prize, before people realize that I make John Edwards look like Abe Lincoln.
Then I would have to get a real job.
Can I get out of this tube now?
Please.
* legacy placements are also known as "White Man's Affirmative Action."
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