The Audacity of Hype


My fellow Democrats.

I am here today to tell you about how I am an agent of change you can--

--Wait a minute?

--Where did this steel tube come from, and why is it labelled Vox Poplar's Patented Stainless Steel Tube of Truth?

--Why do I suddenly have the urge to tell the truth?

Oh hell! I'm a Democrat, I can't tell the truth!

But I can't stop!!!


Now someone's passing me notes, asking questions that I can't lie or obfuscate about...


Yes, he is a bigot.

Yes, he runs a church that wouldn't exactly welcome my own mother with open arms.

Yes, he's buddies with Farrakhan, and he's a conspiracy nut.

But it's not like I actually believed in anything he said.

You see, I'm a Democrat, and as a Democrat, I don't really believe in anything but getting power for myself and my financial backers.

I only joined that church because it's the largest black church in Chicago's South Side, and I needed it to get me the street cred I needed to get elected. Face it, I'm half-white, I look like Don Knotts, and I spent my life surrounded by white people in private prep-schools and the Ivy League. I might as well change my name to John Kerry and live in Boston.

If I actually believed in anything I would have said something about how Wright's cult of victimization is doing more to oppress African-Americans than anything done by "The Man."

But then I wouldn't be a Democrat.


My wife actually does seem to believe in a lot of Rev. Wright's teachings.

Why else would a woman who got into Ivy League schools mostly because she was a legacy* of her older brother and had a successful career making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, not feel proud of the country that made it all possible?


Now this is the tough part. I don't want to talk about it, but I have to...

You see, I'm running now, because I won't be able to run in the future.

My entire political career has been spent getting elected, not actually doing anything after I get elected.

If I don't run now, when I'm still mostly an unknown quantity to the national audience, avoid anything specific, and rely solely on vague platitudes and charm, I will have to run later, and that's bad.

If I run later, people will know that I have nothing but charm and vague platitudes. I have no real plans, and any attempts at making real plans just embarrass me and my campaign.

This is my one shot for the big prize, before people realize that I make John Edwards look like Abe Lincoln.

Then I would have to get a real job.

Can I get out of this tube now?


* legacy placements are also known as "White Man's Affirmative Action."

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