The Candidates Speak!

BARACK OBAMA- Leave my wife alone! That's right, I am ordering you typical white people in the media to stop bringing up the crazy, paranoid, elitist, and occasionally racist things she says on the campaign trail. Just because she's saying those things as my spokesperson doesn't mean that you have any right to criticize them for their lack of logic, and prejudice. Sure, my campaign makes more gaffes than Dan Quayle on LSD, but that doesn't give you the right to report it.

HILLARY CLINTON- I would like state, that when I talked about Democratic candidates getting assassinated in June, I was not talking about Obama being assassinated in June by a certain Sicilian friend of mine name Guido. I was just talking, surmising, and possibly predicting, but I was not, repeat not, talking about any nefarious plans of mine, and anyone who does is part of the evil Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Who will be doing the assassinating... really, they will....

JOHN MCCAIN- All you scrawny little rodents make me want to puke up my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Negotiate with Iran? BAH! The only time I'll talk to Ahmadinejad is with a baseball bat. And if any of you whiny little pussies even look at me funny, I'll jerk out your lung and choke you with it.

COBRA COMMANDER- As your supreme leader I will eliminate all disease and poverty by having the sick and poor taken to the black pyramid of Zogar, where I will use the lost technology of Atlantis to suck out their life-force and give it to extend the lifespans of my voters.

Plus I will simplify the tax code. Damn IRS won't let me claim my lair as a deduction.

BOB BARR- I'm Bob Barr for the Libertarian Party. Nobody knows who I am, and neither do I. Will somebody tell me?


Chris C said...

Damnit even our alien overseers are ripping me off!

Of course I respect you leaders of our planet but I did make the Clinton/Mafia connection a week ago in my infamous "Hillary Clinton Turns to Her Last Hope" post where I turned the opening scene from the Godfather into a meeting between Corleone and Hillary to win the DNC nomination.


Remulak MoxArgon said...

Congratulations of being the first person on your planet to ever think of the Mafia when they think of assassins.


Chris C said...


Maybe I should have gone with ninjas instead?

Wyatt Earp said...

Is it me, or does Michelle Obama make us yearn for Tereza Heinz Kerry?

zoey said...

wyatt? i think it may just be you. ;)

um so bob barr never look so good me thinks.

ktel60 said...

The quote you attributed to McCain is actually from Fred Thompson. Or maybe FrankJ.