An Alternative Dimension of Gay Marriage

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Prop 8 passed in California, throwing Hollywood stars into a tizzy as they all race to one-up each other in the Gay-Friendliest Celeb contest. Even Nancy Pelosi got into the act, declaring that the voters of California were too "stupid" to understand the issue. Radical gay rights activists are now protesting on the streets, and some are demanding that the churches who supported Prop 8 be either taxed into oblivion, or burnt down.

Now here's a question I think all those protesters should ask themselves.

Would they support Gay Marriage if the churches demanded that they get married?

I think the answer is of course not.

You see, I used some of my advanced alien technology to visit Alternate Earth- 376B. It's pretty much the same as your Earth, except there the Churches actually promote gay marriage, inspired by Pope Pius XIII's "Time To Settle Down" campaign. There the various denominations put up billboards outside almost every major gay bar with a priest, a minister, and a rabbi looking down and saying: "It's time to settle down and get married!"

And guess what happened.

Radical gay rights activists of Alternate Earth- 376B tried to pass a ban on gay marriage, claiming that it was an attempt to "oppress their identity" by the churches. When their Prop 12 failed to pass, despite support by Governor Steven Seagal, they started ranting and raving demanding that churches be taxed, or even burned down.

Some folks only want something when someone else says they can't have it.

As for myself, I don't mind homosexuals having same-sex unions, because under the western common law tradition they have all the same rights as a married couple, except they can't legally call it a marriage. That's because the common law tradition defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman for the purpose of procreation, so that the children will be considered legitimate under the law and not be disinherited or otherwise bastardized.

The churches supported Prop 8 not out H8 as those cute little signs the celebs are carrying around say, but because they have beliefs about marriage, homosexuality, and the combination of the two, and they didn't want the state start bullying them into performing ceremonies they consider illegitimate. That was going to happen, I saw it when I stopped in at Earth- 432X, and the ACLU got then President John Kerry to sign the 28th Amendment, overriding the 1st Amendment and forcing churches to perform same-sex marriages.

And the ironic thing was, most of the homosexuals on Earth- 432X didn't even want gay marriage, but they were shouted down by the louder, more militant fringe.

The outrage over the amendment didn't really last all that long, because a week later Kerry signed a formal declaration of surrender to Al Qaida after the "Nuke York Incident," and the churches didn't have to perform any same-sex marriages. Or straight marriages, or baptisms, or bar mitzvahs, or any actual non-Islamic services at all. The gay activists didn't complain, mostly because they couldn't after the swearing in of President Zawahiri, but at least the Iraq War was over.

Things went a lot smoother over on Earth- 212C. There the gay community realized that trying to change the traditional definition of marriage only served to turn people against them while achieving something a lot of them didn't even want or really need thanks to the common law tradition. They started their own gay-friendly churches and even hold "Blessing" ceremonies for the unions, and avoided any future controversies, speeding their acceptance into mainstream society. And America's first openly gay president, decorated former Army Colonel, Republican Candidate Barry Dunham is elected in 2012 after a successful term as Governor of Kansas.

So you see, there are always alternatives.

Sometimes they're in alternate dimensions.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

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