The following document is the first draft of the memo released by Janet Napolitano, the Director of Homeland Security, to law enforcement agencies across the United States.

Director of Homeland Security


The following groups and people (in no particular order) are deemed to be threats to The Democratic Party Homeland Security.

1. US Veterans of Iraq & Afghanistan- They have been trained to kill indiscriminately and for a fascist state that lies in order to start wars to steal oil from poor innocent people like Saddam Hussein. Expect daily outbreaks of mass slaughter committed by roving bands of these heavily armed psychopaths.

2. The American Legion- This is an unabashed hate group populated by people who are actually proud of killing hundreds of thousands of Germans, Japanese, North Koreans, Chinese, and Vietnamese. Do not let their elderly appearance fool you, they are assumed to be armed, dangerous, and grouchy when you interrupt their afternoon nap.

3. The Shriners- Those little cars they drive around at parades may contain small amounts of explosives.

4. Catholics- The bizarre rituals of this cult involve eating the flesh and blood of the cult's founder. Expect outbreaks of cannibalism at any moment.

5. Libertarians- People following this twisted ideology wish to have a minimum of government involvement in their lives. Obviously the foundation of some sort of fascistic dictatorship.

6. Taxpayers- For some reason they don't want to pay more in taxes. Obviously suffer from some sort of mental deviance.

7. Orthodox Jews- They're hiding something in those beards. I just know it!

8. Wile E. Coyote- He has a seemingly endless supply of anvils, weapons, and various products made by the ACME company. Needs to have his financial records investigated.

9. Janet Napolitano- Her obsession with putting people under police surveillance for blatantly political reasons is an obvious threat to the constitution and freedom of speech.

9. Karl Rove- There has to be something we can use to lock him up. FIND IT!

10. Free Market Economists- Their ideas of personal freedom and small government threatens the development of our one party state.

11. Small Businesspeople- They don't like being singled out as "fat cats" while billionaire party backers squirm out of paying their taxes. They must be taught a lesson.

12. The State of Texas- It's up to something. I can smell it.


Major Major said...

She learned it from the British Government. A certain Tul Bahadur Pun of Nepal, who had at one time been a soldier in the regiments of Gurkha soldiers attached to the British Army, requested that, on account of his ill-health and good service, that he be allowed to reside in the United Kingdom, which after all admits third and fourth wives of Pakistanis on the dole without the slightest bother.

However, the embassy officer in charge of evaluating such applications observed (no doubt with a bit of a sniff) that Mr Pun "had failed to demonstrate strong ties with the United Kingdom".

Er . . . I left something out. The man in question is actually Honorary Lieutenant Tul Bahadur Pun, VC. The Victoria Cross was established to be awarded to those British military personnel, and other such in British service, for heroism above and beyond that considered ordinary for such a soldier (sailor, airman, etc.) Tul Bahadur Pun had attacked a Japanese position alone, carrying a light machine gun (which, I may say regarding our primitive Earth weapons, is only "light" by comparison) and driven off a number of enemy soldiers.

If this does not constitute "strong ties to the UK", I have to wonder what does.

Before you get out the proton beams, though certain persons in the British government could do better working in the mucus mines, I must in all fairness say that after a large and vigorous protest, Tul Bahadur Pun, VC, was admitted to the United Kingdom anyway.

Joseph T Major

cmblake6 said...

Good stuff once again. :P