FROM THE DESK OFJANET NAPOLITANO
DIRECTOR OF HOMELAND SECURITY
I've been asked to calm your fears that the Obama administration is a bunch of fumbling, know-nothing amateur nitwits, especially in areas of foreign policy, and homeland security.
Well that is not the case. We are on top of everything, so I will break down exactly how I am personally saving your ungrateful tea-bagging worthless flyover-country lives.
1. TERRORISM: We are eliminating terrorism by allowing the people that support them to bask in the glory of our lord god Obama while he apologizes to them for our existence. Once they have experienced the wonder that is Barack Obama, they will come to love him in the way Chris Matthews loves him, but less creepy. I am sure this will work, because I am an expert in history and know for a fact that America has never been attacked by foreigners.
Though there are still many domestic threats to theDemocratic Party the nation, so I have ordered that the following people be rounded up into concentration camps to ensure the security of the nation:
-Veterans.
-Tea Party Attendees
-Republicans
-Miss California
-Gun Owners
-Christians
-Libertarians
-Supporters of Israel
2. SWINE FLU: Using my immense knowledge of geography, I have determined that the best way to handle this outbreak of swine flu is to seal off the border with Canada, and open the border to Mexico wide open. I am also ordering the arrest of Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio for actually enforcing the laws I'm supposed to enforce, and making me look bad. I am also launching federal investigations of those who want America's immigration laws enforced, because it was their racism that no doubt caused this outbreak.
3. ECONOMIC SECURITY: We believe that economic security can only be achieved by giving trillions of taxpayer dollars away to the people who pissed away trillions during the 90's and 2000's. It will be the only way to ensure that these wealthy Wall Street people can still give our party millions for the next election.
I hope this assuages your fears and convinces you to vote Democrat in the 2010 midterms. But even if it doesn't, you won't have much of a choice, because everyone else will be locked up and extradited to Iran and Syria to stand trial for torture.
Aren't you glad the Bush reign of terror is finally over.
Well that is not the case. We are on top of everything, so I will break down exactly how I am personally saving your ungrateful tea-bagging worthless flyover-country lives.
1. TERRORISM: We are eliminating terrorism by allowing the people that support them to bask in the glory of our lord god Obama while he apologizes to them for our existence. Once they have experienced the wonder that is Barack Obama, they will come to love him in the way Chris Matthews loves him, but less creepy. I am sure this will work, because I am an expert in history and know for a fact that America has never been attacked by foreigners.
Though there are still many domestic threats to the
-Veterans.
-Tea Party Attendees
-Republicans
-Miss California
-Gun Owners
-Christians
-Libertarians
-Supporters of Israel
2. SWINE FLU: Using my immense knowledge of geography, I have determined that the best way to handle this outbreak of swine flu is to seal off the border with Canada, and open the border to Mexico wide open. I am also ordering the arrest of Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio for actually enforcing the laws I'm supposed to enforce, and making me look bad. I am also launching federal investigations of those who want America's immigration laws enforced, because it was their racism that no doubt caused this outbreak.
3. ECONOMIC SECURITY: We believe that economic security can only be achieved by giving trillions of taxpayer dollars away to the people who pissed away trillions during the 90's and 2000's. It will be the only way to ensure that these wealthy Wall Street people can still give our party millions for the next election.
I hope this assuages your fears and convinces you to vote Democrat in the 2010 midterms. But even if it doesn't, you won't have much of a choice, because everyone else will be locked up and extradited to Iran and Syria to stand trial for torture.
Aren't you glad the Bush reign of terror is finally over.
2 comments:
Hey Butch! Good luck with trying to round up the gun owners. They're well-armed and well-stocked with ammo. Not to mention most of the cops and military will NOT obey your unconstitutional orders to round up civilians.
Maybe if you're lucky, Butch, the backlash will only send you off to Club Gitmo. If you're unlucky, you'll get the "Waco" treatment that another former "Butch" gave to civilians about 16 years ago.
chicopanther
And again, you know what to do.
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