4.14.2006

Intergalactic Roundtable 4

MOXARGON: Welcome to a special edition of the MoxArgon Group. If you're new to this, I'm Remulak MoxArgon, your future conqueror and lord and master. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE PUNY EARTHLINGS. Joining me and my regular panelists, Xran the Fleshrender, Android Cai/7, and Varos Quasar, are a pair normally doing their own Point/Counterpoint segment Tektak F. Mechanoid, and Snotglob the Mutant. First issue: Iran and the Atomic Bomb. This past week saw the Iranians have a celebration in honor of their first production of enriched uranium.

SNOTGLOB: Big deal, I poop enriched uranium.

TEKTAK: It's true, we have to share a washroom and a certain someone, who shall remain nameless, doesn't believe in air freshener.

MOXARGON: Let's move back to the issue at hand. Xran?

XRAN: I was able to catch some pics from their celebration and to be honest I found it a little creepy. What kind of a morally bankrupt culture celebrates development of weapons material...

MOXARGON: I celebrate new weapons all the time.

XRAN: Let me finish my point. What kind of a screwed up culture celebrates a new weapon with a show featuring only male dancers? I saw some of the pics and there wasn't a single hot babe in them.

MOXARGON: Now I see your point. When I celebrate a new genocidal superweapon I always have lots of hot chicks in the musical numbers.

ANDROID CAI/7: Celebrating genocidal weaponry is illogical. My philosophy has always been to just build it, use it, and get the corpses recycled as quickly as possible.

MOXARGON: Where's the fun in that? I mean, aside from the giddy thrill derived from the destruction of your enemies.

VAROS: I remember when you premiered the Trillium-X Planet Smasher. That was one hell of a party.

MOXARGON: You and that green haired dancer looked like you were ready to enjoy some giddy thrills of your own.

ANDROID CAI/7: Not everything in the universe is about cheap thrills.

MOXARGON: A universe where people can't bring out the babes at every possible occasion is not the sort of universe I care to live in.

SNOTGLOB: Wait a minute. Why are you people going on about genocidal weapons? President Ahmadinejad said that they're enriching uranium strictly for peaceful purposes. (Everyone laughs, except Snotglob)

VAROS: That's freaking priceless.

SNOTGLOB: What's so funny?

TEKTAK: Oh Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut.

MOXARGON: Let's move onto the next issue. The government of France did what it does best, it surrendered to the demands of rioting students who were fighting for their right to hog all the available and to make small businesses financially unfeasible. What do you think?

XRAN: They turned down my suggestion. Add an amendment to the law replacing the right to fire employees with the right to kill ones that displease you. It's a standard clause among interstellar space pirates, but they just looked at me funny.

VAROS: Earthlings are funny that way. I hope the students are happy, because with the way things are going they'll be under Sharia law in about ten years, and I don't know the Sharia employment policy is.

TEKTAK: I think it involves cutting off hands or burning unruly employees alive, everything in Sharia seems to have that.

ANDROID CAI/7: Chirac should have had the rioting students gassed and their corpses processed into Soylent Green.

SNOTGLOB: That's barbaric. Simply round them up and implant brainworms into their heads to make them more obedient. Everything goes better with brainworms.

MOXARGON: If Chirac goes with Android Cai/7's plan that Soylent Green better be Halal. Next issue: Comedy Central censored an episode of South Park because it promised a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. They claim they did it out of respect for religion, but they didn't censor a scene involving Jesus defecating on George Bush. Thus proving that not only are they cowards, they are also hypocrites of the first odor. What do you think?

XRAN: Hypocrites and cowards.

VAROS: I would like to qualify my answer by defining them as slimy, ass-kissing, cowardly hypocrites.

TEKTAK: I'm with Varos.

ANDROID CAI/7: One word: Wussies.

SNOTGLOB: Come on. Islam is one of the most vilified religions in the world simply because a small minority of its adherents want to kill everyone and plunge the world into a new dark age of mass slaughter and repression, and the majority of its adherents are offended when people associate them with terrorism and oppression, yet do nothing to change that association other than complain about non-Muslims criticizing the terrorists and killers...

MOXARGON: Do you have a point there Snotglob, you're starting to ramble.

SNOTGLOB: Yes. My point is...

TEKTAK: The point is, if you want the MSM conglomerates to respect your beliefs you must threaten to kill them all.

SNOTGLOB: That's not it. It's... uh.... what were we talking about....

MOXARGON: That brings us to the botched NBC Dateline sting that hoped to catch NASCAR fans being racist toward undercover 'stunt Muslims.'

VAROS: I can see NBC's point, I showed up at a NASCAR event and some rednecks shot at me, if that's not racism I don't know what is.

MOXARGON: It wasn't racism when they shot at you.

VAROS: Why do you say that?

MOXARGON: It's not racism when you crash your spaceship into the track and come out drunk as a Sarpeelian dribblemouth firing your plasma rifle in all directions.

VAROS: That's my culture's idea of fun, if they are too racist to accept it, then it's they're problem, not mine.

MOXARGON: And now for the purpose of ratings, we're going to be moving on to sex and celebrities. Tom Cruise announced that he and brood-mare Katie Holmes have "really great sex."

XRAN: They're the poster children for birth control.

VAROS: I wonder how she's able to stop him from jumping up and down on the furniture to get any procreation done.

TEKTAK: I can't get over Tom's wacky religious beliefs. Xenu isn't behind all of humanity's problems, he retired several millennia ago and hasn't done anything but play golf and make those little miniature ships in bottles.

MOXARGON: I had lunch with him the other day. He's really let himself go.

TEKTAK: That's my point. All of humanity's problems are caused by humanity. That and bacteria... and you know... weather and earthquakes and crap like that...

MOXARGON: We get the point. This should get a reaction. Actor Michael Douglas says that he turns on his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones by speaking like Richard Burton.

SNOTGLOB: Eeew, gross, and I live in a sludge pit.

XRAN: You bastard! Now you've stuck an image of Michael Douglas's doughy old ass in my head!

VAROS: I think I'm going to be sick.

ANDROID CAI/7: I think it is a logical tactic for biological congress. She gets stimulated and he gets some extra time for the viagra to kick in.

XRAN: Great, now I'm no longer thinking about his ass but his...

MOXARGON: That's enough horror for tonight. Let's move onto another topic.

TEKTAK: How's your hunt for a queen of Earth going?

MOXARGON: Not well. I've only received a few silly suggestions so far.

XRAN: Why did you break up with Angelina Jolie?

MOXARGON: She's beautiful and crazy, a combo I can't resist, but I couldn't take her anywhere. We'd stop on some planet and the next thing I know she's picked up some orphan looking at me with puppy-dog eyes and asking if we could keep it. It was just too much to handle. That and every time I looked at her I saw the back of Billy Bob Thornton's head. Shudder. Let's call it a night, so goodbye Earthlings for now, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

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ATTENTION PUNY EARTHLINGS!: Got a problem that only the vast intellects of the MoxArgon group can solve then go here and obey your instructions.

1 comment:

Damian G. said...

You oughtta start answering comments again.

I NEED intergalactic advice!