And By Corpulent I Mean...

A SPECIAL
GUEST COMMENTARY BY
PAUL BEGALA
(CNN Contributor & Democratic Flack)

A lot of Crypto-fascists on the right (translation: NAZI!) side of the blogosphere are viciously smearing me because I dared to speak truth to power and declare that the real leader of the GOP is Rush Limbaugh who I also called a "corpulent drug addict."

Well, you can't say that I didn't speak the truth, Rush does have a weight problem, and he did come clean about his addiction to prescription drugs and got help for it. So I am fully justified in my smearing of him.

Of course the baby blood drinking war-mongering oil stealing sheep molesting crypto-nazis are taking this as some sort of license to call our glorious President (hopefully for life), the wonderful and god-like Barack Obama a "skinny coke-head" just because the fragrant Obama has a slender build... sweat glistening off his taught muscles as he works out... grunting heavily, thrusting his... Oh was that out loud?

And yes President Obama has admitted to using cocaine, as well as other drugs in the past, but that's a different story.

And there's too reasons for that.

1. Barack Obama is a Democrat.

2. Barack Obama is black.

So anyone who brings up his past drug use is not only a fascist for using real information against a Democrat, but also a racist.

DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A FREAKING CHART!!!

Now a lot of people are wondering exactly why I'm picking on Rush Limbaugh. Or to be more exact, picking on him more.

Well, I'm pushing for the fairness doctrine.

You see Rush Limbaugh is still the #1 talk radio host in the country, and has a contract that probably makes him the highest paid man in radio.

I want a piece of that action.

Which is why I want a new version of the fairness doctrine put in place so I have to become Rush's co-host by court order, and get half of his money.

Then when I drive all his ratings away, and get the show cancelled, I can then apply for a big fat federal bailout and retire. All the while making sure that no one realizes that the real boss of the Democratic Party, is an elderly convicted insider trader who hates America and western democracy who profits from causing political chaos.

Time For Your January 28th Reality Check!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Remulak MoxArgon here to dish out a little of that special wisdom one gets when they're a couple of notches above you on the intergalactic food chain.

1. GUANTANAMO BAY: Obama has signed an executive order to close the prison for terrorists within a year. I think this order says a lot about Obama and the future of his administration. He did it to make himself feel morally superior, and to please groups like ACORN who made his presidency possible, but he left out something that some folks might think is important.

WHERE DO THEY GO AFTER GITMO?

Remember, these are not ordinary prisoners of war who served under a legitimate and sovereign nation state according to the rules of civilized war, nor are they common criminals who only need a clip on the ear and a mind controlling Tridorian brain slug to rehabilitate them. These are people who consciously chose to become enemies of humanity.

They did not wear uniforms, they deliberately targetted civilians, and if given another chance they'd kill, and kill, and kill, until they themselves are killed.

Of course Obama is not without options, so let's take a look at them.

1. Send them back to their home countries.

PRO: They will no longer be America's problem.

CON: Most of the countries they'd be sent to will just put them right back in the fight.

2. Take them into America for trial.

PRO: It'll make millions for Democratic supporting trial lawyers when they win a massive "wrongful imprisonment" settlement from the Federal Government after making sure that at least one Kos Kid gets on the jury to hang it.

CON: Any prison they're in will become a target for every jihadi and jihadi wannabe in the world, and will be under constant attack to either free or martyr the prisoners. And what will America do with them after their let off because the evidence against them was acquired under the "torture" of US guards not wearing white gloves when handling their Koran? Give them citizenship?

3. Mass executions.

PRO: Solves the problem pretty quickly, and then it's just a toss over the fence, and they're Castro's problem. And guess what, it's not illegal under the Geneva Convention. Since they are not legitimate soldiers, fighting under the rules of war, they are not under the protection of those same rules.

CON: Obama's supporters will promptly shit kittens. Which might not be a con if you think about it.

So there you have it, a fuzzy pseudo-feel good policy, with little or no thought of the consequences. That really bodes well for your future.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

____________

PS: Porkchop of the website Dumb Information asked how we get so many wonderful interviews and guest commentaries by celebrities and political figures. Well, it's easy when you're the ruler of the Universe, and always keep a jar of Tridorian brain slugs on hand. Of course, not every blogger has my immense resources, and probably just fake it anyway.

I hope that answers your question.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

A SPECIAL
GUEST COMMENTARY BYJOHN STEWART
HOST OF THE DAILY SHOW

Okay, I was over at P. Diddy's place in the Hamptons for drinks last week when fellow guest Susan Sarandon said that she heard that the fascist war criminal Rush Limbaugh declared that he hoped our new glorious leader Barack Obama would fail.

I was amazed to hear that she listened to Rush Limbaugh, but she quickly calmed my shocked nerves by saying that she didn't actually hear it herself, but read about it on the Media Matters website.

Well, I was shocked and appalled that Limbaugh would actually hope that are new President (Gloried Be His Name) would fail. Sure, his defenders among the Hitler youth of the blogosphere say that Limbaugh wasn't wishing for Obama to fail, only any attempt to recreate the old New Deal policies of the 1930s would fail.

Well that doesn't matter!

By opposing the glorious Obama in any way is arguably treasonous! If Obama chooses to rehash policies that only lengthened and worsened the Great Depression in the USA, then it is the only right thing to do. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO QUESTION HIM!

And I'm sure that Limbaugh will hide behind "free speech" and say something like "dissent is the highest form of patriotism."

Dissent is not the highest form of patriotism, blind obedience to Obama is.

Obama has finally broken the chains that have bound this country for the past eight years. People like me, who have spent all that time bashing Bush on television, are now free to speak their minds, and we're saying that you have no right to speak out against Obama or his policies.

And if you think I'm not serious, then just look at what I'm sacrificing. I built my entire career, nay my life, on mocking Bush in wry, ironic ways, and that's something I cannot do to Obama.

Now that we have achieved perfection in government, I'm still going to attack Bush in wry, ironic ways, even though it will probably kill my career. Because if I dare to make fun of our glorious leader, his friends, or his policies I will not only be a traitor, but a racist.

Remember, despite what the constitution says, free speech is not a right, it's a priviledge best handled by priviledged people like me. Anyone else doing it is in danger of committing thoughtcrime, and we can't have that.

Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Sorry for the slow posting, but I have an Empire to run, so here's a quick wrap up of the DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

THE DUTCH COURTS: For tossing away the right of free speech to appease the unappeasable Islamofascists by charging Geet Wilders with hate speech for broadcasting the speeches of Islamic fascists. Here's a little lesson about appeasement: IT NEVER WORKS!!! How about prosecuting the imams telling people to kill others. That's a real hate crime.

GEORGE W. BUSH: For not delivering the pardons that men like Scooter Libby and Ramos and Compean deserve (They only got commutations, not pardons). For shame Mr. Bush, you went from being a paragon of moral courage to a frigging jellyfish. Just because Clinton turned the pardon system into a whore-fest doesn't mean you can't pardon those who deserve it.

HAMAS: For doing nothing but create misery for their own people and those around them.

PALESTINIANS: For allowing Hamas to do nothing but create misery and doing it happily.

THE UNITED NATIONS: For taking the word of a fascist terrorist group over a sovereign democratic nation.

THE WESTERN MEDIA: For doing the same thing as the United Nations.


Remember, if you are on this list than...

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

An Alternate View...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Tomorrow marks the inauguration of Barack Obama as your new president. In honour of this occasion I went on a little trip in time to an alternate time-line version of tomorrow, and recorded Obama's inauguration speech. Of course I had to put in a twist, I gave Obama one of Vox Poplar's Truth gizmos meaning that he had to be honest during his speech.

So here's the transcript...

My fellow Americans.

I stand before you as your new President, and I must admit, that I am now regretting what I wished for. Holy shit. I'm the goddamn president. What was I thinking?

I just realised that I can't vote "present" anymore, and that scares the hell out of me.

But I guess I have to buckle down and get to work.

To my supporters.

I will disappoint you.

There's no way around it. Your blind worship of me is to be honest, a little creepy, I mean come on, I'm just a freaking human being, I really can't make the oceans recede, or the Earth cool, and I can't just end wars, I can either win them, or lose them. And both choices are a lot of hard work.

I am not ushering in an age of sunshine, unicorns, and unending love from our enemies. They will still be the enemies of America, no matter how much of the $200 million dollars in untraceable foreign campaign donations I got during the election came from them.

People will still hate us, and I can't change that. And many of those people will keep trying to kill us, and let's face it, most of them are Muslims. You have to acknowledge that a lot of them hate us, and when you look deeply at the facts, you know it's not our fault. I can't make them love us, because hating us is all they have to keep them from realizing how they've pissed away their own legacy. One man can't change that.

To the people who didn't vote for me.

Yes, I won thanks to shady foreign money, and the apparently stalker-like adoration of the media. The media ignored not only the millions in untraceable illegal donations to my campaign, they also ignored the fact that pretty much all my friends and political allies are either racists, radicals, or reprobates. I'd like to thank them, though I must admit, Chris Matthews does give me the creeps.

I know that George W. Bush was not an evil man, yes Saddam did have 500 tons of plutonium, and yes, Saddam did support terrorism. Warrantless wiretapping didn't spy on American citizens, but just tapped foreign communications. Face it, patching a call through an American owned switchboard, doesn't really give you all the rights of an American citizen.

Bush didn't do things in service of some sinister agenda. He just had to make hard choices in an age where there were no good options.

That doesn't mean that we're not going to prosecute Bush and other administration officials. I have a re-election to plan for, and I have no ideas on how to fix the economy, win the wars, or do anything else but hurl money in all directions. I need to immunize my administration from having our inevitable failures exposed by criminalizing Bush administration policies that I'll probably continue myself.

Yeah, waterboarding is nasty, but Navy Seals do it, and if it can get a terrorist talking in an average of 30 seconds, it's not as bad as electrocuting genitals.

Face it, I'm not even 50, and I'm already the President, I need that second term or I'll feel like a loser. So another 9/11 would ruin me, because I really wouldn't know how to react to it. So I'm going to keep up the renditions, bring back the waterboarding, and do all sorts of things that I'm going to prosecute Bush for, because I have to protect my own ass. Thankfully the media will support me over it, while they condemn Bush.

Well, that's it. I really have to go now and figure out what the hell I'm gonna do when all that "hope and change" talk doesn't sell anymore.

Goodbye.

Well, very revealing.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Are There Any Real Warriors Left?

A
VIEW
FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
HIDEKI TOJO
(Former Prime Minister of Japan)

I wish to offer the most heartfelt greetings to all you living people who read this little posting of mine, and deep thanks to Vox Poplar and his digital Ouija board for making it possible.

I would like this posting to be passed on to the Palestinian people.

As the American Marines are so fond of saying: What is your major malfunction numbnuts?

I see your behavior and it just leaves me aghast.

I can understand the surprise terror raids and rocket attacks against an enemy. I've done that sort of thing myself, ask the Americans about Pearl Harbor. However what I do not understand is why you all start acting like a pack of whiny little bitches the moment the Israelis start fighting back.

Where are your balls?

Imperial Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, we woke up the sleeping American giant, and it handed us our asses on a plate.

Did we go whining to League of Nations, saying that they were being "disproportionate?"

No.

Because the Japanese are true warriors in the tradition of Bushido. When we pick a fight, and get slapped back, we don't cry and get our Iranian funded proxies to scream and rant in the United Nations. We fight, take our lumps, and win or lose, accept the end, and take responsibility for our actions.

Hell, I even took responsibility for the times when I actually was just following orders. Because doing that, and taking my punishment like a man helped save my nation after our aggressive war brought it to ruin.

I did it, because face it, they can only hang you once, and because I had some real balls.

And what's with all the whining and crying about "genocide" over your human shields getting killed?

We hid our weapons factories in residential neighborhoods, thinking the Americans wouldn't bomb them. Guess what, they firebombed Tokyo, and incinerated over a hundred thousand people.

Is the blood of those civilians on American hands?

No.

Their blood is on my hands, I put the weapons factories there, I put those people in harm's way, and it is me who must listen to their anguished death cries for the next 1,000 years. So don't talk to me about the Israelis killing civilians that's horse-shit.

The Israelis are endangering their own lives to preserve Palestinian lives. Ironically, the Israelis value Palestinian lives more than the Palestinians themselves who have been warped into a death cult led by a gaggle of sniveling cowards who do their best to be safely ensconced in their bunkers or in Syria, while their women and children gets blasted into snot.

Now I know that this deliberate game of self-slaughter and passing blame on the Jews is a key strategy because there is no way in hell that the Palestinians could possibly win a straight out fight, even with all their supposed allies by their side.

Well guess what, if you can't win a straight out fight, you don't deserve to win by sniveling, whining, and otherwise acting like a little emo-bitch. So either accept the existence of Israel, by their right of conquest, or just drink the Kool-Aid and get it over with.

That's what a real man would do.

Answers Please?

Hello Earthlings, Varos Quasar here, and I have a question.

There's a lot of ballyhoo about a video featuring Prince Harry using the word "Paki" as a nickname for one of his squad-mates. Now, as the site's token liberal, I have no doubt that the term is racist, and that Prince Harry must be racist for using it, and is therefore worse than Hitler, but I still have a question.

Why is the term "Paki" racist?

I mean if you meet someone descended from the people of Uzbekistan and ask them if they're an Uzbek, and they will usually answer yes, and often with pride. Ask someone from Kazakhstan if they're a Kazakh, and they will say yes, and often with pride. You would get the same response from people from Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, and even the Kurdistan region of Iraq.

So what's the problem with Pakistan?

Why are they ashamed by the name of their nation?

I've looked it up, and the name was constructed as a wordplay symbolizing how the country was composed of Punjab, Afghania, Kashmir, Sindh, and Baluchistan regions while also meaning "Land of the Pure" in Urdu and Persian.

So what's wrong with being called "Pure" or acknowledging the country's rich ethnic tapestry?

Could it be Pakistan's creation by political opportunists who used religious nationalism in 1947 to cover up their own lack of foresight in forging the necessary alliances with Hindus in the struggle for Indian independence from the British Empire?

Is it that the country swings wildly between corrupt and incompetent elected governments, to autocratic and incompetent military dictatorships?

Or maybe it's the country's headlong rush to the seventh century, while it's neighbour India looks forward to become a democratic, economic, and military superpower in the 21st century?

Why haven't the people of Pakistan and their relations abroad simply seized the name and wear it with pride?

As a liberal I will accept as racist what I am told to be racist, but I do like to know why.

The Leftist Mind: Disproportionate Responses To Two Different Topics...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Sorry for the lack of posting for the past Earth-week or so, we made a little too merry on New Year's Eve, we did a little drinking, things got a little rowdy, and a planet got blown up.

Not a big one, and it was uninhabited, but we do take responsibility for our actions, so the entire group had to clean up the mess. Plus the core of the planet turned out to be made of Corvanite-B, which made me a fortune...

Anyhoo... let's get this new Earth-year started right with a little dip into the LEFTIST MIND!!

ISRAEL-GAZA
I get a kick out of the double standards of Leftists. Hamas, a self-professed terrorist group, launches un-aimed rockets into cities full of civilians, but Israel's response, of carefully aimed attacked at rocket launchers and terrorist bases, even going so far as to warn people to mitigate civilian casualties, is considered "genocide" and a "disproportionate response."

Those folks could kiss my big blue behind, but they'd probably wouldn't be able to find it.

A truly proportionate response in my empire to people who elect terrorists who fire rockets into my cities would be to carve their patch of land off the planet with tractor beams, cast them into space, and let their blazing re-entry serve as a warning to others. By inter-galactic standards Israel is being positively sweet.

Hamas deliberately puts women and children in harm's way, while the Israelis try to keep them out of harm's way. The Leftist Mind knows this, but still acts like the Israelis are the evildoers.

Do you know why that is?

Because the average Leftist, deep down, is an anti-Semite. Jews are the root of the Judeo-Christian tradition of the Western World. The Leftist believes all things Western are evil, and those who helped shaped the attitudes of that West, are supremely evil.

Need proof?

Think about this: Mel Gibson is branded an evil racist for making anti-Semitic comments, while drunk, about Jews starting wars. Annie Lennox says the same thing and worse, while stone cold sober, yet she's being praised for "speaking truth to power."

The only reason for that is because of the mistaken belief that Mel Gibson is some sort of right-winger because of his religious background. Annie Lennox is a washed up pop-star with a history of fashionably leftist causes, so her Vanessa Redgrave brand anti-Semitism is deemed all right.

Well, they're both wrong.

And anti-Semites.

THE BAILOUT
A trillion dollars.

Soon to be pissed away for power.

The classic Leftist tactic.

Nuff said.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.