Love is in the Air...

A Personal Message from Remulak MoxArgon.

MOXARGON: Greetings Earthlings. I am not...

XRAN: This is a mistake.

MOXARGON: Ignore him Earthlings. As I was saying, I am not hear to talk about your politics or to conquer your planet. I'm here to on very different business. I'm here to talk about love.

XRAN: Seems that the old boy is smitten.

MOXARGON: Yes I am smitten. As the poets say, I am in deep smit. One of your Earthling females has won over all three of my hearts with her wit, intelligence, and incisive political commentary...

XRAN: Not to mention that she's the Earth's equivalent of a stone cold hottie. Not my type, I like a little fur and more eyes, but she's got old Remulak here head over heels...

MOXARGON: Will you please stop interrupting me... Wait a minute... how can someone be both stone cold and a hottie?

XRAN: It's what the kids are saying these days.

MOXARGON: How about you stop saying anything for a change? Now where was I? Oh yeah, I've come to pitch woo people of Earth, and I'm not talking about pitching Woo Gargleflox out of an airlock, I've come a courting. Now I know you Earthlings are probably wracking your tiny brains over who could possibly win over someone as accomplished, intelligent, and dead sexy as me. Well she's a special lady, and her name is Mee-Shell Mall-Kin.

XRAN: If this wasn't so funny, it would be kinda sad...

MOXARGON: Damn it! I'm trying to be romantic here. So shut your hole Xran, before I stick a plasma thruster up your breemogabble.

XRAN: Leaving now.

MOXARGON: Where was I? Oh yes, Mee-Shell, if I may be so bold to call you by your first name, I've got a lot to offer. I'm the absolute ruler of a large swath of the universe, I've got the biggest battle-fleet in the three galaxies, I like walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and bringing mighty interstellar empires to their knees. A lot of men will promise you the world, but I can deliver. Several worlds to be exact. I think you'd love Trebbleplop-3, the acid falls are beautiful in the spring. Take a look at this artist's conception:

MOXARGON: Don't we make a cute couple? So run away with me my dear Mee-Shell and I'll make you the happiest woman in my harem.

XRAN: Mayybe he'll show you his bottle cap collection.

MOXARGON: Thanks a lot Xran, you've completely spoiled the mood. Mee-Shell, if you can recieve this message, drop me line and I'll put some Tridollian Blue-Wine on ice and a certain loumouthed space pirate on the grill.

XRAN: Look at the time, I really gotta run.

MOXARGON: You better hit light speed you mood-wrecker! So remember Mee-Shell, call me, because once you go E.T. you'll never feel needy, nudge-nudge-wink-wink.

Episode # 7: What's With the Earthling Media?

T.A.R.D.I.S. EXPRESS COURIERS
When it literally has to get there yesterday
present

THE MOXARGON GROUP

MOXARGON: Welcome. Today the panel will be talking about the conflict between the forces of the American Empire and various terrorist factions over who gets to control the petroleum mines of Eye-Rack. However, we're not going to be talking about strategy and military issues. Instead we're going to be discussing how the media of the American Empire is covering the war. Is the media of America biased against its own country? Panel?

ANDROID CAI/7: Most definitely. American Forces are winning major victories all over Eye-Rack and all the American Media will do is present every dead soldier as if it's the end of the world and blame their Overlord for everything from the weather to the failings of minor bureaucrats and municipal prefects.

XRAN: If someone on one of my ships was going around trash talking me the way the American press badmouths Overlord DubyaBush I'd be upholstering my captain's chair with their skin. I mean come on, he's one measly Earthling, he can't be the cause of everyone's problems.

MOXARGON: How do you think he should handle them?

DRONE-9099: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

ANDROID CAI/7: I have studied the Earthling's transmissions for some time and I have compiled a very detailed database of how their media covers conflicts and often what they say has no connection with the actual events. On stardate 5676.99 an army called VeetKong engaged in a major offensive against the American Imperial Guard in something called the Ted Offensive. During the course of this particularly violent battle the VeetKong was effectively wiped out. However, according to the American media the VeetKong had won some sort of massive victory, as if they were poised to march down the main street of America's imperial capitol.

XRAN: They're doing the same thing with Eye-Rack. First thing is that they completely ignore the crushing defeats the American forces are dishing out all over Eye-Rack, and what I think are the real tactical blunders, like letting the people of Eye-Rack elect their own governments and write their own constitutions, and then they have the unmitigated florbaz to call the people behind the violence in Eye-Rack "insurgents," or "rebels," when they are very clearly terrorists.

MOXARGON: Words are very important. The words insurgent or rebel implies some sort of base with the general population. Something these terrorists, the majority of whom are from other countries, do not have. I mean it's hard to win over the hearts and minds of the common people when you've pledged to kill over 80% of the population. Trust me, I know.

XRAN: I'm a pirate. I attack ships and planets, and then I loot the resources and enslave or consume the population. I'm not going to start calling myself a florist, or a dentist, and I don't expect anyone to do that either. I'm a pirate, and damn proud of it, and if I was setting off bombs in front of schools or beheading medical workers for no reason other than a difference in religion or ethnicity, I'd be a terrorist.

ANDROID CAI/7: The irrational nomenclature of these Earthlings does not compute.

DRONE-9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON: Good point Drone-9099, but I'd like to get back to what Android Cai/7 said. The nomenclature doesn't make sense, but don't forget that many in the American media are not native Earthlings. They are in fact Moonbats who we think came to Earth to escape their lifeless home on Earth's moon. Perhaps they don't have a full grasp of the intricacies of the American language? I mean we're far more evolved than Earthlings, so we shouldn't be so quick to assume that these Moonbats are perhaps an intellectually stunted sub-species that has yet to catch up to the common Earthlings.

ANDROID CAI/7: Then why does the American Empire allow intellectually stunted creatures dominate their media? It is a highly illogical course of action.

XRAN: That's true. If they are too dumb to grasp the Earthling language then send them down to the petroleum mines where they might do something constructive.

MOXARGON: Maybe the Earthlings allow them to dominate their media because they don't view it as information but entertainment. Perhaps watching hapless Moonbats flail around pontificating about things they know nothing about, furrowing their brows in a futile attempt to understand the world around them, strikes the more evolved Earthlings as a source of amusement? There are plenty of alternative sources of data, and the sensible Earthlings probably turn to them for real news.

ANDROID CAI/7: Amusement is illogical.

XRAN: If you're right Remulak, then these Earthlings have a cruel sense of humor.

MOXARGON: It's just something to think about. Something these Moonbats seem incapable of doing. That's all the time we have for now, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Earthlings & their Notes

an observation by Android CAI/7

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Today, I'm taking a moment to observe and pass logical judgement on one of your highly inefficient means of communication. I am talking about notes.

Much is being made in the Earthling media about this note penned by American OverLord DubyaBush that was data-scanned by someone named Roy-Ters-Foto-Grabber.

I personally don't see any controversy in such a message. Biological organisms have highly inefficient and demanding means of waste disposal, and if custom dictates that he must ask permission from the nearest human female, then he is just simply following Earthling tradition.

Of course possessing much more advance surveillance equipment allowed me to capture images of other notes that were missed by Roy-Ters.

Now I would like to offer a suggestion to OverLord DubyaBush about writing such communiques. If you don't want people like Mr. Foto-Grabber spying on your messages then you should get a nice fibre-optic data-transfer node implanted in your head with recievers implanted in the heads of your top minions. It's more secure, and does not inefficiently waste paper.

Episode #6: Signs, Symbols, and Stupidity...

THE SOYLENT CORPORATION
'We make people useful."
present
THE MOXARGON GROUP

MOXARGON: Welcome puny Earthlings to another edition of the Moxargon group. Today we're discussing memorials. As you may have heard the American Empire is in the midst of war, and naturally wherever there's a war, memorials are sure to pop up. First came the proposals for the memorial for the victims of the Noo Hork attacks that present the American Empire as the source of all the troubles in the planet, and now there's another memorial that some claim appears to be honoring the attackers.

What do you think panel?

ANDROID CAI/7: This does not compute. The people who attacked the Americans claim that they're chief motivation for their murder of civilians was their religion. A religion that is symbolized by the crescent shape designers are using in this memorial. Why are they honoring their enemies?

XRAN: I think it's those pesky moonbat creatures at work again. They claim that this memorial supposed to honor "peace and understanding," but as like all their attempts at "understanding" it only serves to expose their own ignorance of what's happening on their own planet.

DRONE-9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON: Both you and Xran make excellent points. But I don't think that the moonbats are acting out of ignorance. There seems to be a psychological problem afflicting the entire moonbat community. To the moonbat: people who attack them deserve sympathy, people who defend them deserve scorn, and that war memorials should honor those who slaughter innocent people and ignore those who gave up their own lives to save others.

ANDROID CAI/7: Don't forget their illogical desire to destroy the only sub-planetary empires that allow them to live freely and not enslaved or processed for nutritional supplements.

XRAN: Even if the designers didn't intend to honor the attackers, this Al Kayda fellow who started this war will no doubt use this idiotic coincidence for propaganda purposes.

MOXARGON: Sure, if some planet I was invading built a memorial that in any-way resembled the sacred hukka-pukka of Tellurax, I'd be on it like stink on an Altherian bog-weasel. I'd be making speeches claiming it was a sign of the enemy's inevitable surrender and use it to recruit some of the dimmer fanatics to fill the ranks of blaster fodder.

DRONE-9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

XRAN: Exactly.

MOXARGON: So, panel, what do you suggest as an alternative design for this memorial?

ANDROID CAI/7: Memorials are illogical to a machine with perfect memory chips.

XRAN: You can't go wrong with a simple obelisk with the names of the honored dead carved on it, surrounded by pikes, each with the severed head of an enemy mounted on it.

MOXARGON: Now that would be perfect. You just have to make sure the pikes are in a circle and not a crescent to avoid any misunderstandings. That's all the time we have for now, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

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Episode #5: The Storm is over, but the wind keeps blowing.

MOXARGON- Today the Earthlings of the American Empire begin the clean up of one of their cities, a place called NorLeenz, after a terrible storm called a hurry-katrina. There is much political finger-pointing from OverLord DubyaBush's political rivals who are blaming him for problems with the evacuation and rescue efforts. Panel, what do you think of Overlord Dubyabush's handling of the crisis.

ANDROID CAI/7- Very poorly. The mere fact that Overlord Dubyabush is letting his enemies live to make these accusations is a sure sign of weakness on his part.

XRAN- I agree with Android Cai/7. If they were pointing fingers at me over the bloody weather, I'd bite them off.

DRONE-9099- Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON- Excellent point. Well, Overlord Dubyabush may not be as weak as you think he is. The Prefect of NorLeenz, an Earthling named RayNay-Gin, is telling the Earthling media that someone named See-Hi-Hay will assassinate him for his criticism of OverLord Dubyabush.

ANDROID CAI/7- He should be, but not just for his criticism. I'd have had him and his entire staff summarily vaporized for incompetence in handling the situation. He is the Prefect of the City, and it was his duty to be the frontline manager in emergencies like hurry-katrina, and he failed miserably.

XRAN- Vaporization's letting him off easy. He let over two hundred personnel transports get destroyed by the flood when he had forty-eight hours to use them in the evacuation, now hundreds, maybe thousands of his subjects are dead, and tens of thousands more have had to endure unspeakable hardships because of his failure to follow his own city's plan. If one of my pirate captains acted like the Prefect of NorLeenz and the ProConsul of Loos-hee-Anna, I'd have had him fired. Preferably head-first out of tri-sonic cannon.

MOXARGON- What do you think Drone-9099?

DRONE-9099- Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON- As always Drone-9099, you have a poet's way with words. I for one don't think RayNay-Gin will be executed or assassinated. These humans don't appear to believe in the proper punishment of dissenters and incompetent henchmen.

XRAN- How primitive.

ANDROID CAI/7- How illogical.

MOXARGON- Besides, if this mythical See-Hi-Hay hasn't gotten around to taking out Mudder Shee-Hawn, Myk-Hell-Mor or Jonk-Hairy, I don't see him wasting his time, you know, wasting RayNay-Gin. Our next topic is related. A wrapper, named Kan-Yea-Wes, says that Bush has only sent in the Imperial Guard in NorLeenz, not to aid in the rescue and recovery mission, but to kill subjects because of their skin color.

ANDROID CAI/7- That's a highly illogical statement. Why would OverLord Dubyabush want to kill his subjects because of a difference in skin color? Especially when he appears to have a predilection for putting people like that in powerful and trusted positions in his court. It does not compute.

XRAN- I'm with you there, all subjects of the Empire are the property of their Imperial OverLord, and thus equal in every way, regardless of skin tone. By the way, what is a wrapper?

MOXARGON- He's some sort of entertainer. I guess he must wrap things in entertaining and dramatic ways because he is making a lot of money doing it.

ANDROID CAI/7- These Earthlings have highly illogical forms of entertainment.

XRAN- I know. I tried watching one of their 'reality shows' where people sang for prizes, and they didn't execute the losers. How can anything without disemboweling blades be called entertainment?

MOXARGON- This wrapper has also complained about how the Earthling media has portrayed people like him. Claiming that the media said paler Earthlings who were taking things out of businesses were simply looking for supplies while people like him were supposed to be looting.

ANDROID CAI/7- I've studied their broadcasts on the hyper-observascope and if any divisions are to be noticed, it would be based on gender. Earthling females have been shown obtaining food, medicine, or clean clothing from abandoned businesses, while Earthling males, both pale and dark, were seen taking primitive electronic entertainment devices, jewellery, and alcohol, all of which are useless in a survival situation.

XRAN- Where will those brainiacs plug in their new electronics? Everything's underwater? Obviously a large portion of the brain power lies with the female of this species.

DRONE-9099- Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON- Excellent point as always, Drone-9099. And I'll have to let you have the last word, because that's all the time we have for now, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT #2

THE MOXARGON GROUP
&
Bolek’s Althanian Brain Parasites
Nobody Enslaves them Better than Bolek’s.
Present
POINT/COUNTERPOINT

From the Left
SNOTGLOB
Mutant Morning News

From the Right
TEKTAK F. MECHANOID
Galactic Overlord Review

TEKTAK: Welcome Puny Earthlings. Today’s topic is, of all things, your Earthly weather. After the Sub-Planetary Empire of America was hit with a devastating storm called a hurry-katrina, a politician named ArfKay June-Whore put the blame squarely on Imperial Overlord DubyaBush.

SNOTGLOB: That’s ridiculous. The Earthlings can barely put a man on their own moon, how can they possibly develop a meteorological field generator? And even if, by some fluke, they had one of those machines, why would Overlord DubyaBush fire it on his own subjects? Wouldn’t he lob some storms at Eye-Ran or NorKor-Hee-Haw?

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! ArfKay June-Whore wasn’t accusing DubyaBush of using a weather control device, he claimed that DubyaBush’s policies caused the weather. Some of their politicians and scientists believe that their planet is becoming warmer and the storms more violent because of pollution.

SNOTGLOB: I’m the last person to come to the defense of Overlord DubyaBush, but how can one Earthling cause that much pollution?

TEKTAK: According to ArfKay June-Whore it’s because DubyaBush refuses to drive a vehicle called the Kyoto Accord.

SNOTGLOB: I don’t know much about Earthling transportation but how can one man driving a Javanese car stop storms?

TEKTAK: Apparently Earthlings like ArfKay June-Whore are so primitive that they still believe in some kind of magic. There’s no real proof that this magical vehicle can actually do anything except cost a lot of money, but many Earthlings, moonbats in particular, have an almost religious faith in it.

SNOTGLOB: Then maybe DubyaBush should at least go for a drive in this magical car, if only to get their moonbats and primitives to shut-up. Sometimes you have to make some pointless gestures to assuage the deeply held religious beliefs of your subjects.

TEKTAK: It would be about as effective as disemboweling a Grenollian slimegrub and divining the future from its innards, and the slimegrub would be cheaper. He’d have to surrender his Empire’s entire economy to the control of this magical automobile, and it still wouldn’t have any effect. Besides, DubyaBush has only been in power for five years. It takes decades, if not centuries before pollution starts affecting weather cycles. Why is he even being blamed in the first place?

SNOTGLOB: He’s responsible because he won’t drive the magical automobile that will solve all their problems.

TEKTAK: There’s no such thing as magic! It won’t work!

SNOTGLOB: That’s no excuse!

***

TAKE THE MOXARGON GROUP PERSONALITY QUIZ

Now puny Earthlings it's time to see if you really have it in you to be like the more evolved species found in this group. See what member of the group you are most like when you take

THE MOXARGON GROUP PERSONALITY TEST!

Are an cool logical android? A whiny liberal mutant? A psychotic Dalek killing machine? A rampaging flesh-eating pirate? Or a suave & sophisticated ruler and conqueror? Take the test and find out!