Intergalactic Roundtable 2-16: Stimulate This!

MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings and welcome to a very rare edition of The MoxArgon Group. Joining me is a full cast with Xran The Fleshrender, space pirate and author of Xran Xplains Earth, which is ironically, not available on Earth. We're also joined by entertainment correspondent Android Cai/7, token liberal Varos Quasar, our token Earthling Vox Poplar, and our Point Counterpoint posse Tektak F. Mechanoid, and Snotglob T. Mutant. Let's get started. First up, the "stimulus."

XRAN- A complete boondoggle of the first water that will only succeed in wasting billions, if not trillions of taxpayer's dollars.

ANDROID CAI/7- Actually, I believe that it is a very logical plan.

MOXARGON- How in the name of Xenu can this plan be logical.

ANDROID CAI/7- Democrats desire power, as much power as they can grab, for as long as they can hold it.

MOXARGON- Okay, I can see where you're going, why don't you just explain it for the audience.

ANDROID CAI/7- Democrats can only be assured of victory if they make everyone dependent on federal largesse, and henceforth dependent on the Democratic Party.

MOXARGON- Of course, no one's going to vote for someone who is going to take away their goodies.

TEKTAK- And let's not forget how Rahm Emmanuel's going to screw up the census bureau to help that along.

SNOTGLOB- How dare you accuse a noble public servant like Rahm Emmanuel of screwing up the census bureau!

MOXARGON- Okay, who wants to do it this time.

VOX- Can I?

MOXARGON- Knock yourself out.

VOX- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut!

TEKTAK- Why does everyone want to take my catch-phrase?

VAROS- Don't distract us with your right wing lunacy! The world needs to know how Rahm Emmanuel will bring fairness to the census!

MOXARGON- How can the "estimating" of populations by politically motivated hacks be somehow fairer than a straightforward head count?

VAROS- Because Democrats are doing it, and Democrats always have the best intentions! Top that!

SNOTGLOB- Yeah, what he said!

MOXARGON- Actually that raises an interesting point. Any knowledge of history and economics will tell you that this stimulus will fail, and probably prolong this recession, and maybe even worsen it to the level of the 1970s ~Carter administration. But the leftists say it's okay, because they claim to have good intentions. And what is the classic argument leftists have to anyone who questions them? Varos...?

VAROS- You're just a toady of big business!

MOXARGON- You see, their only defense is to accuse those who question them of having bad intentions. They honestly believe that they have the monopoly on goodness.

SNOTGLOB- But liberals have been on the right side of every issue in history!

MOXARGON- Yeah, like eugenics, communism, and appeasing the Nazis. How did those work out in the end?

SNOTGLOB- You're insane! Janeane Garafolo read your body language and says that you're schizophrenic!

XRAN- That's their second defense. They claim to have a monopoly on not only goodness, but sanity.

VAROS- Sean Penn told me that you're a sex fiend.

ANDROID CAI/7- That's not a diagnosis, he has that on his name tag.

VOX- At least I got a chance to zing Snotglob.

MOXARGON- Boy we didn't stick to any topics today. Maybe we'll have better luck next time. So until then, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Checks For February.

Greetings puny Earthlings.

It's time for some reality checks.

1. President Barack Obama has put Joe Biden in charge of overseeing the so-called stimulus pork-a-palooza. Now while everyone knows that Biden's as thick as a whale omelet, I can see why Obama has given him the job. I saw a report on Biden's financials when he was named Veep candidate, and he didn't have a pot to piss in after 30+ years in politics. At least he's not a thief, and the pork will go to those who deserve it, like ACORN.

2. Right now the call is to regulate businesses out the wazoo. You can't conceive how wrong that is. Regulations lie at the root of the current crisis. Bernie Madoff suckered billions out of people because he was respectable, and had the stamp of approval from the regulators. The shoddy mortgages were sold in the first place because of government regulatory pressure, and then packaged into complex derivatives that were created to profit from complex regulations. Regulation also breeds corruption. Remember, when you regulate business, business seeks to regulate you, and in direct proportion.

3. Okay, I'm a little confused over all this so-called "mortgage relief" plans. Yes, foreclosures are way up, but it's centred mostly in five states like California, Nevada, Florida, Arizona, and Michigan. And I'll bet zondars to zelnaks that when you look at the brass tacks, the majority of those being foreclosed could pay their mortgage, but have fallen victim to various and sundry contractual booby traps hidden in the small print of their mortgage agreements that raises their payments . (Created and permitted to profit from complex regulations) How about a renegotiation to a basic contract, that allows those that can pay their mortgage to pay their mortgage in a reasonable manner without the stupid booby traps. The rush the banks are having to foreclose also doesn't make much sense, they can't sell these properties for months, if not a couple of years, where they'll decay from lack of use, and lose even more value. So why not give up the barely legal scams, and simplify to a system where they can at least make some money back without acting like complete Thiborians. (Now I'm going to get letters from offended Thiborians, but they know I'm right.)

And on a lighter note, something to remind you that Mel Gibson can be funny when he's not drunk and anti-semitic.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

A little something from Reason TV about India and what it can teach the USA...

Oddly enough, it's what the USA once taught India. (ht James Hudnall)

YOU ARE ALL COWARDS!!!

A
SPECIAL
MOMENT OF TRUTH
COMMENTARY
BY
ERIC HOLDER
ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE USA

I'd like to start off by making a few things clear since I have to make this commentary locked inside this steel tube. I am not Oprah's boyfriend Stedman, and I am not the cop from Barney Miller, played so ably by Ron Glass. I am the Attorney General of this country, and as your Attorney General I have to say this.

America is a nation of cowards when it comes to the issue of race.

Face it, if we weren't a bunch of sniveling cowards drunk on white guilt, someone in the mainstream media would have asked questions about Barack Obama's associations with radical leftist terrorists, racist preachers, and crooked machine politicians. But you didn't, you just let him swan on into the most powerful office in the land, without a challenge to his heavily spun version of personal history, his gaffes, or his lack of experience.

And now we have a controversy where a cartoon comparing Nancy Pelosi to a deranged chimpanzee is somehow being reconstrued as a racist attack on Obama, even though editorial cartoonists drew Bush as a chimp on a daily basis.

I mean if Obama had written that bill that's got more pork than a Bavarian butcher shop then I might be able to make some sort of thin connection between the president and the cartoon. But Obama outsourced it, like everything else so far in his presidency, to someone else, which makes the connection too tenuous for even Al Sharpton to make if he didn't have the entire mainstream media kissing his backside.

If America had any balls when it came to accusations of racism, they'd ask why Obama politicized the Census Bureau by putting it under the control of the most partisan political hack in Washington.

But they aren't asking any questions, because they are all chickenshit of some race baiting charlatan like Sharpton or Jesse Jackson calling them racist, because then they'd have to fork over the cash to get them to shut up.

If I wasn't profiting so hugely from this cowardice, I'd be more openly disgusted with you all, and telling you about it even when I'm not locked in some strange machine that makes me tell the truth.

Can I get out now? I have to find something to prosecute Rush Limbaugh on.

An Android Among the Stars

Greeting organic meat-sacks. As you can see I am still trapped in the position of "entertainment editor" for this blog, and my attempts to procrastinate my way out of it have failed.

So here is your entertainment news.

- Singer Chris Brown is under investigation for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend pop singer Rihanna. If the reports that he bit her during the alleged assault are true, she should be careful. According to Earthling mythology during the next full moon that bite from Chris Brown could turn her into a flaming asshole just like him.

- Xran said that she should track down Chris Brown and beat him with her u-u-umbrella-ella-ella-ella.

- The Academy Awards are coming up. Nobody outside of Barbra Walters seems to care.

- Some criticized actress Salma Hayak for breast-feeding another woman's baby. I can state first hand that she's not all that generous with the breastfeeding. MoxArgon asked her, and she slapped him. And by slapped, I mean struck with a ball-peen hammer.

- Warner Bros Pictures has released a commerative Watchmen Dr. Manhattan brand Condom. They don't expect it to make much money, or do much to promote the upcoming Watchmen film. They just did it to make Allan Moore pull out his beard in rage.

- In a related story, Allan Moore has checked into a London hospital, for a beard transplant operation. Xran will be a donor.

That is all for now.

End Communication.

Xran Xplains- The Census Bureau Coup

Howdy Earthlings. Xran the Fleshrender, your favourite space pirate here with another edition of XRAN XPLAINS!

Today I'm going to why President Barack Obama moved the Census Bureau from the Department of Commerce to the control of his Chief of Staff.

This is...
THE CENSUS BUREAU

its job is to
COUNT
every American
Since its creation it was part of the
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE
and run by
BUREAUCRATS
so it could be
OBJECTIVE
&
APOLITICAL

Then came
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
who then took the
CENSUS BUREAU
away from the
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE
& gave it to
RAHM EMMANUEL
White House Chief of Staff & Professional Political Hack
thus turning an
OBJECTIVE
&
APOLITICAL
BUREAUCRACY
into a
SUBJECTIVE
&
POLITICAL
office

Which raises the question

WHY?

Because the
CENSUS BUREAU'S
COUNTING
determines
CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS
&
GOVERMENT FUNDING

And now
RAHM EMMANUEL
can run it like
CHICAGO
&
GERRYMANDER
his ass off
GERRYMANDERING
is when you redesign
CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS
to favour 1 political party over another
especially when you give the vote to
ILLEGAL ALIENS
via the
CENSUS BUREAU
& deny
GOVERNMENT FUNDING
to districts that don't support the ruling party
thus ensuring the creation of a country ruled solely by the
DEMOCRATIC PARTY
forever and ever

Or at least until your planet's turn comes up on MoxArgon's conquest list.

I hope that clears things up for you.

A RANT

Greetings puny Earthlings, MoxArgon here and I've come to a conclusion.

You American Earthlings couldn't organize a shag in a bordello.

Look at your government. The Democrats are acting like a pack of drunken poets on payday, doing whatever they can to cripple the economy through massive debt that won't be paid for generations.

You got terrorists and the dictators who love them dropping threats like dog turds while their mad scientists try to build nukes with ripped off technology they were incapable of developing themselves.

The Census Bureau's been transformed into Rahm Emmanuel's bitch, giving him the ability to skew statistics and figures to ensure the Democrats can gerrymander democracy into oblivion.

And what's your President doing?

Is he making decisions?

Is he standing up to the pork barrel bandits who have already tainted his legacy like peanut butter?

Nope.

He's running around like he's still campaigning, bitching about those meanies on Talk Radio, and promising everyone everything, whether he can deliver it or not.

Plus, he's trying to start a trade war with that "buy American" clause. Trade's essential, because people who sell you goods, then have to use those dollars to buy American goods.

And you're media won't say anything about it, hell, they won't even report on a man beheading his wife in Buffalo, because he's a Muslim, and it might upset the 7,000 members of CAIR.

Congratulations America, it's official.

You're screwed.

And my android hordes won't be cleaning up this mess when we finally bring your planet under heel.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

Double Plus Ungood

A
VIEW
FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
GEORGE
ORWELL

England is dead.

All right, not England literally, but the idea of England, as a nation that has freedom of speech and the rule of law is as dead as... well, me.

Geert Wilders, a liberal politician from Holland was arrested and deported when he tried to visit Great Britain.

His crime?

He made a film called Fitna, and had come to show it to members of the House of Lords.

The film contains no lies, no slanders, just the words of radical Muslims accompanying images of radical Muslims, both revealing them calling for the violent conquest of the world.

But Lord Nazi Nazir Ahmed threatened to bring 10,000 Muslims to practically assault the Parliament in order to prevent the screening of this film.

And it was Wilders who got shipped out of the country.

Does the sheer cognitive dissonance mean anything to you?

You have a man, a Peer of the Realm, obviously threatening violence unless England sacrifices its right of free speech in the name of appeasement.

Well, here's a message for Prime Minister Gordon Brown and the rest of the castrato that currently rule Britain.

YOU CANNOT APPEASE FASCISTS.

Give them one thing, and they will demand 100 more things. It's a simple lesson of history. The moment Nazir Ahmed made his threat, he should have been stripped of his title, and deported to someplace he would feel more at home at, like the frontier of Pakistan. Because he will not be happy until he's made England in that distorted and mangled image.

And if 10,000 rose as he commanded, then round them up and ship them to where they really want to live. And if they fought, then fight back.

The fascist, whether under the guise of progressive socialism, nationalism, or Islamic fundamentalism, is either at your throat or ground under your heel.

It's a simple fact of life.

And Mr. Ahmed, I refuse to call you by your title, you don't deserve it. England has given you everything in your life, and all you want to do is take away the essential rights that made your priviledged life possible.

If I wasn't already dead, I'd be vomiting in disgust.

Things Can Get Nasty

Greetings puny Earthlings.

A few days ago said that the only thing you had to fear was me, well, now that I look at your political situation, there are some things that some people should fear that don't involve me in any way.

The spendulus package is wildly unpopular, supported only by lobbyists, politicians, and the media, and President Obama's honeymoon with the American public is ending quickly. Even elements of the mainstream media might start criticizing him when their normally blind hagiography starts costing them more money than they can afford.

And judging from Obama's reaction to criticism, and the sudden shift in attitude among the Left that dissent is no longer "patriotic" we can expect show trials, and lots of them.

Expect a Special Prosecutor, a real militant, be appointed to go after the Bush Administration for everything from "torture," to Gitmo, to just plain disagreeing with Obama.

Rush Limbaugh better watch his back too, and I'm not talking about the Fairness Doctrine. The left has targetted him, so you can expect IRS audits, and criminal prosecutions whether they have anything on him or not. All they need to do is get a convoluted enough piece of the tax code and a Blue State Jury, and he'll be off to prison whether he did anything or not.

And if you can't say that it can't happen here, then remember that it had already happened. Twice.

Both Woodrow Wilson and FDR used and abused the power of their office to crush their critics and political rivals, even imprisoning people just for criticizing their policies. And guess which party they belonged to.

Well, good luck for the next four years, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

And you better watch your backs too.

Mad Dogs & Englishmen

A
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
NOEL COWARD

I am indebted to Mr. Poplar and his digital ouija board for letting me use this delightful new "blog." Though I must admit that the name "blog" is entirely without hope, and should be replaced with something with at least a soupcon of elegance.

Anyway, I was hearing a lot of reports from Jolly Old England about their problems with the weather, and it's inspired me to write this little ditty.

Enjoy.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

In northern climes there are certain times of year
When all the citizens retire,
to pile their clothes on or expire.
It's one of those rules that the biggest fools adhere,
Because the snow is much too chilly and one must avoid
Frosting your willie in wind shear--
Papalaka-papalaka-papalaka-boo. (Repeat)
Digariga-digariga-digariga-doo. (Repeat)
The Swedes don't believe that the British can't run their cars,
Because we've obviously, frozen off our arse --

Mad dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.
The Londoners don't care to, the Cornish wouldn't dare to,
Anglians and Devonians slip on ice when they try to go,
And Englishmen detest a ski-festa,

In the Russian Steppes they believe it's hep, to frolic in the cold,
In the Old Yukon there are furs they don,
which the British won't uphold,
At zero degrees the English freeze, and no vehicles can go -
And Mad Dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.

It's no real surprise for Nordic guys to think,
That the British are effete,
Because we're all addicted to heat,
When the Englishman slides, every Canadian derides in glee,
Because the simple Canucks hope he will impale his silly toupee on a tree.

Bolyboly-bolyboly-bolyboly-baa. (Repeat)
Habaninny-habaninny-habaninny-haa. (Repeat)
It's a terrible reason when the winter season hits the earth
That the Brits give rise to such hilarity and mirth -

Mad Dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.
The Swiss just love it, and the Germans simply shovel it.
In Oslo the piles of snow are what the natives think as fun.
They build big snow walls, and pummel us with snow balls.
In our wintry town where the snow beats down, to the rage of man or beast,
The English trade of the English tribe has completely ceased.
In Denmark, at the zero mark, they don their skates and go,
But mad dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.
The smallest Canadian rabbit deplores this stupid habit.
In Winnipeg, they tap a keg, and let the wind chill blow.
For them snow and ice is part of life.
But in London's swamps where Monty Python romps
There's no peace 'til June.
Even the tube's completely froze, for there's nowhere else to go.
Greens are sad, 'cause global warming don't seem so bad
Because mad dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.

Thank you, thank you very much...

REALITY CHECK: The Only Thing You Have To Fear...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Boy, how does it feel to be so scared all the time?

I don't know how you can live with it.

And it seems that your leaders love it so much, they keep trying to get you scared all the time. Like Nancy Pelosi in this video...



Now for most people I would just assume that her tongue got tangled trying to decide whether or not to say "half a million" or "five hundred thousand," but since this is Nancy Pelosio, I have a creeping suspicion that she meant to say that.

And let's look at your newly minted President declaring that if the Democrats "spendulus" bill isn't made into law, the country will spin into a permanent Great Depression that it will never recover from.

Now I know this whole boondoggle and the people behind it are full of shazznips.

Because why would he ignore the one concrete law of economics (everything changes with ups and downs) and try to scare the bejesus out of everyone unless this "stimulus" was nothing but a scam. It works for the Global Warming propheteers, so why not the self-stimulators of congress.

Well, let me tell you something about fear.

There is only one thing you have to fear.

ME

And I have a low tolerance for grandstanding fearmongering horseshit.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Leftist Mind: Why Stimulate?

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time to take another dip into the snake-pit of the Leftist Mind. Today I'm going to talk about this so-called "stimulus" boondoggle. Now I'm not going to the take it apart earmark by earmark, but instead tell you why it is so important to Leftists.

1. THEY MUST ALWAYS APPEAR TO BE DOING SOMETHING. Now this is true of just about all politicians, but with Leftists it is an essential part of their belief system, especially when it's obvious that doing something will make things much worse than just doing nothing. This is because...

2. THEY BELIEVE THAT THE ONLY SOLUTIONS ARE GOVERNMENT SOLUTIONS. No one can do anything for themselves in the mind of the Leftist. To them, only the state can be permitted to do anything. Naturally that state must be led by a politically pure elite. And that elite needs the stimulus, because...

3. THE LEFTIST WILL DO ANYTHING FOR POWER. Take a look at the stimulus, and realize that mere pennies on the dollar will be going to infrastructure (something needed, that creates jobs) while hundreds of billions get pissed away on pet projects that achieve nothing but give fat payoffs to the political flacks, hacks, and ballot box stuffers that got them elected. They need to do those payoffs because since they have no new ideas, or even functioning ideas, they need those people to distort the national debate by slandering their political opponents as evil incarnate. And they don't worry about getting the money for these payoffs because...

4. THE LEFTIST DOESN'T WORRY ABOUT THE COST. Just look at Obama's cabinet choices. It's obvious that they don't worry about the tax burden, because they don't pay their damn taxes.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Check

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's Remulak MoxArgon here, and it's time to cash some REALITY CHECKS.

THE "STIMULUS" PLAN

Well, it's long been wondered what the Democrats would do if they held both the Presidency and Congress, and now we know.

They will go bug-shit crazy.

I mean I've seen some tax and spend policies in my time, but this whole bogus "stimulus" boondoggle is on a level I have never seen before, and I've visited the planet Taxspendofrax.

I guess the best way to sum it up is to bastardize Churchill: Never has so much been paid by so many to please so few, and achieve so little.

And the Democratics are just choking on their own mad glee at being able to completely cripple the economy, force Euro-style socialism on America, all the while fattening the bank accounts of their political cronies.

Of course anyone who opposes them is promptly accused of "doing nothing" for the economy, completely forgetting it was government interference that caused the recession in the first place. This "stimulus" can only succeed in making things worse.

Of course when that happens they'll start campaigning to rewrite the Constitution so Obama can have unlimited terms to keep "fixing" things.

OBAMA & LEADERSHIP

Well, Obama's living up to my greatest fear of him, rapidly transforming from the messiah of "hopechange" into Jimmy Carter without the spine.

He went on El Arabiya TV, declared that his administration will stop "dictating" to the Middle East, spoke fondly of Middle Eastern dictators, and made Iran's Ahmadinejad feel more empowered than a Major League slugger on a steroid binge.

And it's not just foreign policy.

His blind support for this "stimulus" bamboozle-palooza shows that if Washington DC was one big prison, he'd be Nancy Pelosi's bitch.

Obama was elected to lead the country to a magical realm of hope and change, and he's basically become the political equivalent of a jellyfish.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.