View From The Afterlife Roundtable

Tally-ho!

It's me, General Sir Charles Napier former commander of the British Army in India, regular View From The Afterlife contributor, and your host. You see all the living contributors of this blog are taking their holidays until after they recover from their New Year's hangovers, so it's up to us, the dead, to pop in via Vox Poplar's digital ouija board and keep this blog thing of yours going.

Joining me are some other deceased luminaries and losers.

William "Boss" Tweed, former political kingpin.

Thomas a Beckett, former Archbishop of Canterbury

John Lackland, former king of England.

George Orwell, author and pundit.

and

Nero, former Roman Emperor.

NAPIER Let's get started looking back at the year 2008.

JOHN LACKLAND I must protest being called "John Lackland," I was the King of England.

NAPIER And that was a job for life right?

JOHN LACKLAND Right.

NAPIER And what are you now?

JOHN LACKLAND Bite my royal behind.

NAPIER Now let's look at what you believe are the winners of the year. My pick, being a military man, is the success of the US Military and their surge in Iraq. The war is more or less won to the point where even President Elect Barack Obama can't just pull out and surrender. Boss Tweed, what's your pick?

BOSS TWEED I would have to say Barack Obama is my winner of the year. It proves that having loads of questionable money and near total control of the press will still get you elected no matter how many racists, radicals and reprobates dwell in your past.

NAPIER Thomas Becket?

THOMAS BECKET I believe Pope Benedict is the winner of the year.

JOHN LACKLAND You would say that. Still an ass kisser!

THOMAS BECKET Who has the sainthood, and who has to wear a barbed wire speedo?

JOHN LACKLAND Touché.

NAPIER Who is your winner John?

JOHN LACKLAND George W. Bush, because he can finally leave the whole ungrateful nation of whiny bastards behind.

NAPIER George, who is your winner?

GEORGE ORWELL I have to say the Iraqi people, because after the long nightmare of dictatorship, and war, they are finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and most importantly, they want it.

NAPIER Good pick. Nero?

NERO Hillary Clinton. While she may not have been elected, she's still in a position of power, and in the line of succession. Which, as experience has taught me, can be... adjusted.

NAPIER Okay. Let's move onto the losers of the year. My pick are the Palestinians. They have become the most degraded, debased, and devalued people on the planet, trapped in a state of perpetual self-destruction, are pariahs to everyone but the western media, especially in the Arab world, and they have no one to blame but themselves for their state. Boss Tweed?

BOSS TWEED Rod Blagojevich. He really screwed the pooch on this whole Senate seat issue. I mean one must always maintain the appearance of upholding the law, especially when you're breaking it, but even more so when you know that you're under surveillance from the Justice Department!

THOMAS BECKET I feel that Great Britain is the loser of the year. The spiritual and social ennui has infected almost every facet of British life. The whole country needs a rebirth, but I don't think they have the leadership for it

JOHN LACKLAND I have to agree with Mr. Holier Than Thou on this one. The whole nation has become a pack of nutless drunks who can't even smite pirates for fear that they'll demand refugee status, compelling them to give it to them. Where are Britain's balls?

GEORGE ORWELL My pick for losers of the years are all the fascist dictators counting on high oil prices to maintain their little empires. Prices are crashing, and so soon will their petty fiefdoms. You know who you are.

NERO I think the losers of the year are the Republican Party. They ran a very weak campaign, allowing the Obama-worshipping media to define them, while lacking a cohesive philosophy to see them through the election and its various crises.

NAPIER Very interesting points. And that's all the time we have for today, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because someone is watching you.

Wish List Time!

Greetings, and Merry Christmas puny Earthlings.

That's right, it's Christmas time across the Universe, and we're all getting ready to take a little time off to spend time with the wives and hatchlings while feasting on our slain enemies. (That does not count as cannibalism since they're a different species) Now I took a little trip around your planet and got my hands on what all your famous people want for Christmas. So here are some of the highlights:

BARACK OBAMA: The ability to blame Bush for everything that happens after inauguration day. Also a way to blame Bush for Blagojevich.

SCOOTER LIBBY: For Bush to get off his ass and pardon him for his crime of forgetting a conversation with Tim Russert about something done by Richard Armitage months before.

US ATTORNEY PATRICK FITZGERALD: That Blagojevich forgets a date of a phone call, then it's a slam dunk perjury conviction.

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: Cigarettes, cartons and cartons of cigarettes to use as currency to buy Paul Mitchell hair products.

BERNIE MADOFF: A dreidl, worth $50 billion.

HILLARY CLINTON: A way to convince Obama, Biden, and Pelosi to all take a ride together on a plane, or helicopter of her choice.

AL GORE: That he can convince people that the global cooling cycle is actually a warming cycle.

AL FRANKEN: As many shady votes as he can get to steal himself a Senate seat.

GEORGE W. BUSH: A day off.

REMULAK MOXARGON: Peace on Earth, so that the population is soft and unready when his android hordes arrive. (oops, how did that get in here?)

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and a big fat Merry Christmas to everyone.

Why Not Me?

A
SPECIAL
GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
CAROLINE
KENNEDY
SCHLOSSBERG

Greetings peasants.

It is I, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, but just ignore the Schlossberg, the Kennedy is all you need to know. I have come down from my Ivory Tower in Manhattan so you can bask in my familial glory and join New York Governor David Paterson in appointing me to my rightful place in the United States Senate.

Now there are those of you, fascist types mostly, who think I am unqualified to be appointed Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate.

True, I have never held a full time job in my life.

True, I've never held an elected office.

True, my appointment could be the first step in transforming the Senate into an American House of Lord.

But take a moment to think about why I should get the job.

I'm a Kennedy.

I am entitled to political power by right of blood.

The word "earn" has nothing to do with it.

I was born in the right family, so that makes me your natural leader.

Just look at Massachussetts, you could run a shaved chimp for congress and win if that chimp was a Democrat and a Kennedy.

So give me my birthright, now!

Don't make me bring up my dead relatives, I'll do it if you push me.

You may go now.

Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings, and sorry for the light posting. Here's another dip into the wonderful world of Earthling douchebaggery!

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: Not just for being corrupt, but for being stupid and arrogant as well. He knew he was under investigation, he knew he was probably being tapped more than Madonna in 1980s, yet he still held an auction for Obama's Senate Seat.

People can understand someone being a crook, greed is a universal constant, but they can't abide being an idiot as well. And guess what, he's refusing to resign! I guess he's figuring Obama will fire US Attorney Fitzgerald and make all this go away come January, the way Clinton fired all the US Attornies to get rid of the one dogging him. And you know what, there's a good chance that will happen. Obama has a free pass from the media, and since he can't do anything but disappoint, why not go for it.

OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS: For taking out all words associated with Christianity and British history from their children's dictionary. Because they don't want children actually learning anything from their dictionaries that might make them resist the total collapse of their society. Classy.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: They've done something, they always do.

RADICAL GAY ACTIVISTS: Not only are they engaging in a campaign of blacklisting and economic ruin against anyone who supported traditional marriage, they have now targeted the Oscars for giving a humanitarian award to Jerry Lewis for his work raising money for Muscular Dystrophy. His crime is that the used an offensive anti-gay slur twice over the past year.

Yet Sean Penn can praise, visit, and hug people like Raul Castro, and Ahmadinejad, who have actually murdered gay people for being gay, and he's all right because he starred in Milk. Stephen Soderbergh makes a 4 hour canonization of homophobic mass murder Che Guevera, and he's given a pass, because he probably voted against Prop 8.

This is not how you win friends and influence people. Gay people have common enemies they share with the "Right Wing" Christians they're always railing against, murderous godless dictatorships, and vicious terrorist states. Maybe standing together on the whole "not killing gay people" issue, might be the common ground you need. Sure, the mainstream churches don't want to host your wedding, and some churches may try to "cure" gay people, but guess what, aside from that psycho-pseudo-Christian shit-sack Fred Phelps, they all oppose hanging gay people in arenas as half-time entertainment.

It's time to learn who are your real enemies, and who can become your allies, if you want them too.

My intellectual honesty compels me to give kudos to The Advocate magazine for actually having the stones to call Penn on it.

So remember, if you're on the list, then...


Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Leftist Mind: Corruption?

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Sorry for the light posting lately, but when you have to ship presents by hyper-speed freighter and have over 250 nieces and nephews all expecting presents, you got to get your Xmas shopping done early.

I'd like to take a minute to discuss the recent downfall of Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich for auctioning the President Elect's now vacant Senate seat. Now the shock is not that Blagojevich is corrupt, that's been obvious pretty much since the day he was first elected, the real shock is that a grafter as unsubtle and stupid as Blagojevich got away with it for so long.

Now while the media tries to find ways to misidentify the Democrat Blagojevich as a Republican, and President Elect Obama looks for room for him under the proverbial bus, I've decided to look at how corruption is inherent in the Leftist Mind, in fact, the key ingredients of Leftist thought breeds corruption.

1. Identity Politics: This keeps people from making up their own mind, feeling that voting for a certain political party is somehow instrumental to their ethnic identity. Well guess what, becoming a 100% guaranteed voting bloc for any party, makes that party lazy and corrupt, because they don't have to be hard-working and honest to keep their voters happy.

2. Ends Justifying the Means: Leftists crave power, and will do anything for it. From selling Senate seats to the highest bidder, to collecting hundreds of millions of dollars from all over the world in questionable campaign donations. It also inoculates them from outrage from their followers, who too are only looking for what they can get out the body politic, not making that body work well.

3. High Taxes: Puts the wealth of the nation under the control of a small few, and that sort of wealth and power can only corrupt as every crook in the country tries to get their piece of the action. When wealth is in the hands of individuals, then the crooks have to strike them each as individuals, but put it all under one government, and it's open season.

4. Regulation: The regulation of people and businesses beyond the natural evolution of common law is an invitation to corruption. Regulations breed loopholes, often deliberately placed in their by the men corrupting the government to enrich themselves.

When a Republican is exposed to be corrupt, there is outrage, because Republicans define themselves not by what they can get out of the state, but for law and order, and a certain amount of morality in politics. Violate those precepts, and they will smack you.

However, as long as you deliver the right platitudes, play to the right crowds, and tell people what they want to hear, you can get away with all kinds of funny business, until you do something really stupid like Blagojevich.

There is only one thing I can say...

BLAGOJEVICH BECOMES PRISON BITCH

We Got Yer Answers Right Here!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Sorry to be so late, but I was waiting for more questions.... okay, I was drinking, so what, I rule the universe! Anyway, I've got the questions, and I'm not too hungover to answer them, not unlike my colleagues.

First question...

marvin said...

Could you move your invasion up to sometime before the end of January?

No.

You're not the boss of me, and you don't decide when I invade what planet. You get the government you deserve, even one that may weaken your nation so it will only take five minutes to conquer your planet instead of ten.

Debbie from the Land of Lincoln er Obama

What stuff should be renamed to honor the election or Barack Obama?

I think voting "present" to avoid offering an opinion on a controversial issue should be renamed as "Voting Obama."

LGD said...

So where are the anti-Moslem riots, murders, assaults or even protests in exchange for these attacks in Mumbai?

They occur mostly in the minds of extremists, who want them to help with their recruitment, and in the minds of leftist journalists, who just can't accept that there's anyone who isn't a White Christian that isn't more racist, sexist, and narrow minded than they are.

evilgrey said...

Do you think Obama will win again in 2012? I ask this seriously, because I have seen this happen in other countries, where socialism has metastasized.

Thank you for noticing my words, O Great Ones, for I know I am but dust in your feet, er... (claws? tentacles? antigravitic fields?)

Hillary will have throttled him and Biden with a microphone cord during a press conference in 2010. And despite it helping her standing in the polls, it doesn't help her beat the candidacy of Jindal/Steele in 2012.

But I don't want to tell you too much about your future. Spoilers and all that.

And thanks the toadying, btw I have feet with claws.

blackhawk12151 said...

When the invasion finally comes what can an insignificant human like me do to avoid extermination and serve the great MoxArgon?

First, be a hot chick. That's a great help with my empire, but failing that, learn some toadying from Evilgrey, and be ready to serve my mighty alien order.

Libsareb Raindead said...

O Universal Overlordestness, after you mercilessly... er, mercifully invade us and take over our benighted planet, what place in the order of things would Former Senator Obama and other communists find themselves? Zoo exhibit? Lab specimens? Tri-cyclic fusion reactor scrubbers, junior-class? Or similar position where, yes, they can hope to make actual contributions to society for a change?

I must keep some surprises for when the invasion comes.

And another one from blackhawk12151...

blackhawk12151 said...

Also, could you repost that picture of Billie Piper from a few months back? That would make this insignificant human's day

It's not my job to make your day, but what would make my day is a new one.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

The Leftist Mind: What Really Matters...

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time to take another look into the shallow pool of the Leftist Mind!

There are a couple of prime examples of what really matters to the Leftist Mind happening right now, that I think you should know about.

Right now in Canada the three left-leaning opposition parties The Liberals, The New Democratic Party (NDP), and the separatist Bloc Quebecois are forming a coalition intent on unseating the minority Conservative Party government, sparking a constitutional crisis in the midst of a global economic crisis.

Now they claim they're doing it because the Conservative government hasn't dropped billions of dollars in blind "stimulus spending" yet, even though they don't release a budget until January, and Prime Minister Stephen Harper, an economist, already insulated our financial sector from the credit crunch, almost two years ago.

Their claim is a lie.

The real reason is that the Conservatives wanted to save money by cutting the $1.95 per vote that each party, their own included, get in free money from the federal government. The Liberals, the NDP, and the Bloc are in bad financial shape with dwindling memberships and flaccid fundraising. The Bloc currently gets 84% of their budget from the Canadian government.

Without that federal money, they face bankruptcy because they can't manage their own money.

Yet they think they have the ability to manage your tax dollars.

Now if the Conservatives lose the non-confidence vote and have to leave power, it leaves our Governor General two options. She can call for an election, mere months after the last election, or she could ask this coalition to form a government.

Now here are the problems with the coalition:

1. Stephane Dion the leader of the Liberal Party, has been ousted from the leadership of his own party, and they're in the middle of a campaign to replace him. So basically Canada will get a Prime Minister that his own party doesn't want, much less Canadian voters, and he's going to be gone in 6 months. Meaning an automatic lame duck at the head of an incoming government. His most likely successor, journalist and lecturer Michael Ignatieff, spent the bulk of the last 30+ years living outside of Canada, and only returned when the powers that be at the Liberal Party offered him a shot at the PM chair.

2. The Bloc Quebecois, the party that makes the coalition government possible, is founded on a platform of breaking away the province of Quebec from the rest of Canada. Basically, it is a party based essentially on treason, a very polite form of treason, but treason nonetheless. This coalition will be beholding to a radical fringe separatist party whose agenda has even been rejected by the majority of Quebecers.

3. The Coalition will be a recipe for disaster combining the blazingly corrupt tax & spend policies of the Liberals, with the radical socialism of the NDP, and the separatism of the Bloc. In the face of a global economic crisis, they promise putting the whole country in the same financial shape as their party finances, abysmal.

4. The Coalition will mostly represent Ontario, and some of the more backward regions of Quebec, and pretty much ignore the West and the Atlantic provinces. Ontario has recently been declared a "have-not" area after decades at the top of the heap, thanks to its dependence on the dying American auto industry, meanwhile the West, with its growing population and prosperous economies, are going to be shut out. Their votes rendered null and void, by a political conspiracy.

5. With a very Canadian coup forcing that prosperous west out of the democratic proccess will only serve to promote and provoke the miniscule western separatist movement into becoming a real political force. Our convoluted electoral laws designed to keep Quebec as the kingmaker have already denied them the representation their growing population deserves, so having Stephane Dion wipe his ass with their votes could very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back. And then it's a big goodbye to Canada's oil supply, our potash supply, and the bulk of Canada's agriculture, and forestry.

Meanwhile in the USA...

Al Franken is losing the recount, so he's going to try to get Senate Democrats to overrule the voters of Minnesotta and appoint him as the Senator. And it looks like Harry Reid will go for it, claiming it's the only way to count the votes of Earthlings too dumb-assed to fill out a ballot correctly. Like Canada this will be a direct attack against the democratically expressed will of the voters and will spark a constitutional crisis that will only hurt the democratic proccess.

So why are they doing it?

Because all the leftist cares about is their own power.

It's that simple.

They will destroy constitutions, voter's rights, the economy, and the rule of law to get their hands on the reigns of power, so they can get control of the taxpayer's money and their lives, and they won't let go.

Like I said, it's simple really.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

__________________________

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