Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings, it's been a while since we've done a tally of Earthling douchebaggery, so let's get the ball rolling...

1. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:

Talk about having your priorities straight. The commander in chief of the free world has taken a break from voting "present" on Afghanistan, letting Iran go nuclear bugshit on the rest of the Middle East, and trying to ram state-run health care down the throats of America, to campaign for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics.

Now you might wonder why he's doing this, well the answer is simple.

His bosses in the Chicago Machine told him to do it.

Sure the Olympics have devolved from a festival of sports and culture into a multi-billion dollar boondoggle where huge corporations get governments to help pay for their global advertising campaigns. It also means a way for corrupt city officials to rake in millions if not billions from graft, waste, and outright theft from the Olympic piggy bank.

Good old Barack H. Obedience, always delivers for his bosses.

2. GORE VIDAL:

The wheezy old windbag of American letters crawled out of his coffin to gripe about the only country that allowed a pretentious old twat to be successful as a writer, saying things like:

Obama believes the Republican Party is a party when in fact it’s a mindset, like Hitler Youth, based on hatred — religious hatred, racial hatred. When you foreigners hear the word ‘conservative’ you think of kindly old men hunting foxes. They’re not, they’re fascists.

Now that's real courage, calling people who won't shoot you "fascists" also pretty original too. Personally, I just think he was just glad he had someone to talk to since he hasn't been relevant since the 1970s.

3. ROMAN POLANSKI:

He's in the news for getting busted by the Swiss, and now faces extradition for statutory rape of a 13 year old girl, after plying her with a Quaalude and champagne cocktail.

My prediction, he's going to be shipped to America, walk on the charges, and then be appointed Obama's new "youth czar."

4. MICHAEL MOORE:

Because he's Michael Moore, the living dictionary definition of hypocrisy. He is a douchebag, always was a douchebag, and barring some sort of miracle will remain a douchebag for all time, and well into eternity, creating a black hole of douchebaggery.

So remember kiddies, if you're on this list, then...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Leftist Mind: Is Glenn Beck Good For America?

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Wow, it's amazing what your Earthling mainstream media can get worked up about. Take a look at this...
You have an organisation that once employed the President of the United States caught on camera conspiring to smuggle underage girls for the purposes of sex-slavery, that same President folding like a pup tent to just about every dictator on your planet, and that's the best cover story that the editor's of the once venerable Time Magazine can come up with.

So what if Glenn Beck is a loudmouth.

So what if he says things in a dramatic, if not downright inflammatory style.

It's supposed to be a free country, and judging from the resignations, firings, and investigations his rhetoric is sparking, he's apparently saying some harsh truths that cause great discomfort to the Powers That Be who currently keep Judicial Committee Chair John Conyers' testicles in a small jar on George Soros' mantle.

I've seen Glenn Beck, he at least has facts on his side, and he doesn't go off all bug-shit crazy like MSNBC's Ed Schultz....

For those who can't interpret manic screams here's a quick translation...

"The Republicans lie! They want to see you dead! They’d rather make money off your dead corpse! They kind of like it when that woman has cancer and they don’t have anything for her."

I want to know just how do Republicans make money off of dead people who can't earn or spend money. I mean we process ours into tasty Soylent Green, but I don't think you have the technology necessary to give it that zesty flavour.

Now while Schultz is being loud and melodramatic like Beck, unlike Glenn Beck, he doesn't have any real facts behind his case, just a quick demonization of people simply because they think that the method chosen by his dear leader is not the correct way.

Beck doesn't go on telling people that Obama wants to drink the blood of their babies. He simply brings up uncomfortable facts about the President and the racists, radicals, and reprobates that surround him.

But the Leftist mind can't stand that. They only seized power through an unprecedented deception campaign, financed by shadowy figures with a bad record of wrecking economies, and then looting the assets of those countries. They believe that they are justified in their actions, because to them, it is all done in the name of "progress."

They don't want to argue with anyone that oppose them, they must crush them, because the simple act of disagreement is an evil all of its own to them.

They also assume that whoever disagrees with them must be in the pay of some sinister conspiracy.

That's called "projection."

So you get them freaking out about Glenn Beck being "angry" while their own minions demonize, promote racial divisions, sue journalists, beat up Tea Party protesters, and even bite off the occasional finger. They defend those tactics, because to them it's justified in the name of "progress."

It also makes them see nothing wrong in things like this...

Kind of has that creepy North Korea vibe, doesn't it?

Anyway, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

I think I've got this figured out...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I think I finally have Barack Obama figured out, and boiled it down to some pretty basic points.

1. He spurns allies like the British, the Polish, the Israelis, the Hondurans, and even the French when they're willing to fight, and he definitely doesn't give a rat's ass about their feelings.

2. He coddles enemies like Ahmadinejad, Chavez, Kim Jong-Il, and any other crackpot with a hard-on for hating America, Jews, and democracy in general, and he will kiss their ass to avoid giving them any offense, either real or imagined.

3. He is quite willing to fight dirty and be aggressive, but only toward Republicans and American voters who do not believe that the sun shines out of his back oratory.

4. He surrounds himself with racists, radicals, and reprobates, and is willing to suborn the constitution to award them with power and money.

5. He is the most obedient president in history, doing everything that he is told to do, by everyone else other than the American people.

6. He doesn't play the race card himself, because he has professional surrogates to do it for him.

7. He claims to be for freedom of speech, but is currently doing everything he can from FCC "diversity and localism" schemes to "net neutrality" to suppress it.

8. He claims to have a life defined by the audacity of hope, but his entire administration is scared of Fox News. Not very audacious. How can he stand up to Putin, Chavez, or Ahmadinejad when he's scared to the point of soiling his knickers by Glenn Beck?

What do all these little tidbits tell you?

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Let Me Explain Something....

Greetings puny Earthlings, Xran is on his honeymoon, again, and will be busy in divorce court for most of next week, so I thought I'd take a crack at explaining something, namely...

THE DANISH "KNOCKED UP" TOURISM AD

Folks are shitting kittens about this ad...



For those who don't want to watch the video, it's basically a woman and her baby, looking for the tourist who fathered said baby.

It's not an ad for helping single mothers, it's an ad for Danish Tourism.

Folks are freaking, they're saying it portrays Denmark as a den of inequity and fatherless children being born to blue eyed blond mothers with cheekbones that could cut glass.

That's what they want you to think.

You see, I've actually been to Denmark, and let me tell you their dirty little secret. Everyone there is a blue eyed blond with cheekbones that could cut glass. If you like variety, you're not going to get it in Denmark. Even the Danes are getting a little creeped out by their whole "Village of the Damned" aesthetic. Face it, how do you look for a lover among a crowd that all looks related?

They're looking for a little extra seasoning for their genetic soup. They tried it with immigrants from the Middle East, but they're not biting. Lord knows why, so the Danes are hoping to lure in male tourists to swipe some of their precious and genetically diverse baby batter.

So don't be offended, they're just trying to boost their gene pool.

So keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and if any blue Danes with big heads start showing up, be nice to them.

Is it just me?

A
REALITY
CHECK
BY
REMULAK
MOXARGON
(ABSOLUTE RULER OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE)

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I have a question.

Is it just me, or do the members of ACORN featured in recent exposes covered by Andrew Breitbart's Big Government.Com and Fox News strike you as not only corrupt, but not very bright?

I mean come on, Ichabod Crane, dressed like a reject from the Huggy-Bear look-a-like contest, struts into the office with Miss Healthy Corn-Fed 2009, claim to be a pimp and his "ho" and ACORN buys it wholesale.

The fact that ACORN would be willing to assist a pimp set up a brothel where underage illegal aliens are forced to rent out their bodies to assorted lowlifes didn't shock me. Come on, this the 21st Century version of Tammany Hall, no illegality is too low for them to go.

What shocked me was that the "street level" ACORN workers would lack street smarts and fall for such an obvious ruse.

Maybe it's my massive super-intelligent alien brain, whose IQ is beyond your puny comprehension, let alone calculation, but I'm pretty sure my newborn nephew, who still thinks pooping in his pants is the height of decorum, would smell a narc a mile away.

But you see, this is what happens when you try to run a criminal organization with ideology as the main requirement for hiring. Hating America and all that it stands for isn't enough when you're running a racket, you have to be have the ability to see a trap when it's right in front of your stupid eyes.

Boss Tweed wouldn't have fallen for that one, but it looks like his heirs only got his chutzpah, but not his cunning.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

What Did ACORN Do Wrong? (NSFW)

A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY BY
KING BISQUIK
Spokesman for the Personal Interaction Management Professional Association or
P.I.M.P. ASS.

Wha'dup dawgs, what's a crack a lackin?

Let me tell you what's whack, them mutha-fuckers messing up my homies at ACORN with all their hidden camera shit.

Those douchebags got all high and mighty telling everyone that ACORN was bad, ACORN was corrupt, and all because they walked in and videotaped some ACORN workers in Baltimore and Washington helping them figure out ways to lie to banks and get the money to open a brothel for underage hoes from El Salvador.

My question is WHY ARE ALL YOU GETTING YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST?

What did ACORN do wrong?

All that I saw was a couple of entrepreneurs trying get score some ducats for their small business, and those friendly folks at ACORN trying to help.

What's the mutha-fuckin' problem?

It's such an egregious and outrageous act of injustice, that for the first time in my life, I actually endorse the Maryland state prosecutor's office pursuing criminal charges against them hidden camera mutha-fuckers. It's a fucking restraint of fucking trade, and I'm not talking about the rough trade that fucks with restraints. Those so-called "reporters" just cost me the help I need to get my grant from HUD to build my dream, King Bisquix's Rub & Tug Palace.

Plus, because of them I can't get the twelve Thai girls in the basement of my crack-house counted as voting-age American citizens under an ACORN run census. Sure, most of them have quite a few years to go before they're legal for that, or anything, but it's not like they'd be doing the voting anyway.

At least I can rest assured that ACORN's homie Obama will get his health care plan passed, so Uncle Sam will pony up the dough to make sure my bitches get their shots when their pee starts burning. Because I have to pay for the dope to get them on the street and making me money, it's about time Uncle Sam starting pulling his mutha-fucking weight.

Now do what you're told and leave ACORN alone!

Don't make me break out my pimp hand!

Do It For The Children!

Greetings puny Earthlings...

The media are having a field talking about how those evil right-wingers have the audacity of hope to dare to complain about the speech President Obama made today to America's schoolchildren.

Well, that calls for a little reality check.

Sure the speech was pretty innocuous, the usual "stay in school" "wash your hands" and "don't pick your nose you little bastard," boilerplate, but remember this is Obama we're talking about. Obama is the man who never stopped campaigning for the job he already has. That coupled with the "lesson plan" crap about how the kids could help their dear leader president change America into a land of unicorns and universal health care could only make people paranoid.

And remember one little tidbit...

Back in 1991 George HW Bush did the same thing. Now you have to remember that it was a non-controversial speech, without any hidden agendas, or even the suspicion of hidden agendas.

What did the Democrats, who held the majority in Congress do?

They held Senate committee hearings and then called for an investigation from the General Accounting Office to see if any criminal charges could be brought against the Bush 1 administration for this "outrage."

It kind of puts the whole complaining thing in perspective, doesn't it?

Personally, I think the only thing this speech will accomplish is teach a whole new generation that their President's favourite topic of conversation is himself.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Setting My Record Straight

A
SPECIAL
MOMENT OF TRUTH
GUEST COMMENTARY
BY
VAN JONES
(Obama's Green Jobs Czar)

Hello comrades in the great and glorious revolution that will transform the festering shithole of the United States of Amerikkka into a true socialist utopia free from the terrors of free speech, health care choice, or personal independence.

Damn, why did I blurt that out?

I mean it's what I believe, but Obama told me to deny what I believe and hope that the corporations boycotting Glenn Beck will get him to stop talking about me... Oh, wait a minute, I'm stuck in Vox Poplar's patented stainless steel tube of truth. Which renders me incapable of any lying or denying.

Shit, do you ever clean this thing? It smells like ass in here.

I shouldn't have had that veggie burrito for lunch.

Well, since I won't be getting out until I lay some truth on you, I better get started.

You're probably wondering how a guy whose background with radicals, paranoids, and racists prevents him from getting a job at the post office could not only get in the same room as the president, but be given a job with a $30 billion budget.

Well, the answer is simple.

Obama told the Secret Service to let me pass.

It's the only way I could get in. Come on, I think the US government was behind 9/11, that should put me on every security watch list in the country, but in the Obama administration, it puts me in charge of your future.

Now you're probably wondering why Obama told the Secret Service to back off on me.

Well, this answer is simple too.

George Soros told Rahm Emmanuel to tell Barack Obama to tell the Secret Service to let me be.

Which brings me to why George Soros wants me, and people like me, whose only experience is sucking money out of a country we hate to tell everyone everyone how bad this shithole country sucks.

This is a simple answer too.

Soros is a very rich man with many rich friends. They hope to make billions off of trading bogus "Carbon Credits," suck up more billions in "stimulus" and "green job" subsidies for windmills that will never provide enough power, pass off their health insurance costs to the state, have their losses bailed out by the government, while also profiting from the financial chaos incompetent and corrupt people like those who run the Democratic Party will inevitably cause.

So you see, while I may be a communist, I will be making a bunch of wealthy oligarchs even richer.

Now will you let me out of this fucking tube!

REALITY CHECKS

Greetings puny Earthlings, time to cash a pair of reality checks.

ON DEATH PANELS

There's a lot of talk about so-called "Death Panels." Those on the left, who support the nationalization of health care and the billionaires who support them, say that there is not such thing as a "Death Panel" in the 1000+ pages of Obama's health care bill.

And technically, they're right.

Technically.

You see, the legislation doesn't say that federally appointed bureaucrats will be appointed with the expressed purpose of coming up with an excuse to snuff Grandma. That's just a glib attempt on the part of the left to demonize their opponents rather than discuss what's really going to come with socialized medicine.

While bureaucrats will not be directly deciding whether or not Grandma is going to ring down the curtain and join the choir invisible, they will be deciding whether or not she is going to get the expensive cancer drug, that might extend her life a few years, or just a pill for the pain.

You see bureaucrats don't like to make direct decisions of life and death, they just like to set things up so that death comes out on top. It's cheaper that way and leaves them more money to loan out...

ON OFFSHORE DRILLING

Now that's what I call a damn good segue.

Barack Obama, who opposes any and all drilling in and around the USA, thinks it's just fine to loan the Brazilian Petrobras company $10 billion to drill off the shores of Brazil.

Now what could possible cause President Obama to ship off billions of already borrowed dollars to a foreign company, during a financial crisis, to do something that he claims to oppose?

Well, the answer is simple.

George Soros, a major Petrobras shareholder, told him to do it.

Barack Obama recently had a physical and the doctors discovered what looked like a grown on his colon. It turned out to be George Soros' puppet hand.

I think the President's name should be changed to President Barack H. Obedient. Because he's taking orders from everyone except the American voter.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.