InterGalactic Roundtable #6: Cold Cash, Hot Wars, Lukewarm Talents

MOXARGON-Greetings puny Earthlings and welcome to another edition of The MoxArgon Group. We've got a lot to cover today, so, first up the FBI searched the office of Louisiana Democrat Representative William Jefferson after he was videotaped taking a $100,000 bribe, $90,000 of which was found hidden in his freezer. What do you think?

XRAN- That's not that bright. It's diamonds hidden in ice cubes in the freezer, you hide paper currency where it's dry and the temperature's moderate, like in a breadbox, or potato bin.

VAROS- You seem to know a lot about hiding money.

XRAN- I do have a life outside this show.

ANDROID CAI/7- What strikes me as illogical is the response of Jefferson's political rival Republican speaker Dennis Hastert.

MOXARGON- Good point, I was just about to get to that. Hastert is running around claiming violation of the Constitution when the FBI went to extraordinary lengths to ensure the constitutionality of the search. What your theories?

XRAN- He's worried he might be next?

VAROS- Deep down he's an idiot?

ANDROID CAI/7- He is merely seeking to expand the privileges of his political class, a function that goes beyond mere party loyalty.

MOXARGON- All good points. Now my theory, and I must state that this is merely a theory and not derived in anyway from my advanced scanning technology, is that he's got something hidden in his office, like.... oh for argument's sake... a Guatemalan slave-girl chained in his office closet. Of course, like I said, it's just a theory.

Next topic: In the wake of pseudo-soldier Jesse MacBeth's claims of atrocities comes the possibility of a real atrocity committed by US Marines in Haditha. Now the mainstream media, aided by ex-Marine turned moonbat John Murtha, is rushing to condemn all involved before the investigation is complete. Are they right?

XRAN- Hell no, and I know you agree with me Remulak, you always make sure someone's guilty before you feed them to the Grellocks.

MOXARGON- True, knowing they're guilty makes the execution so much sweeter. But this isn't about me, this is about the MSM, what do you think Android Cai/7?

ANDROID CAI/7- It is illogical to condemn people before the evidence is studied. Those civilians could have been killed by bomb shrapnel, or shot by the so-called "insurgents," or shot accidentally by someone, who in the fog of war, mistook them for an enemy. There are too many variables at this point to make any sort of judgement. Let the investigators do their job before you start dispensing blame.

VAROS- I don't think the MSM is so irresponsible that they would broadly accuse people in the American Military of something that they didn't do and undermine the war and reconstruction efforts, simply to score points against a Republican administration... Oh wait, they would.

MOXARGON- In a heartbeat, sadly, and speaking of media bias, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has effectively told the Ottawa Press Gallery to stick it where the Supernovae don't shine, and they don't like it. What do you think?

XRAN- The actions of the Press Gallery, like walking out on press conferences, strikes me as childish, petulant, and the sort of thing they would never dare attempt under a Liberal Party government.

ANDROID CAI/7- Their tactics are illogical, Prime Minister Harper accuses them of bias, so what do they do, they engage in public behavior setting themselves up as some sort of opposition to the government. Canada has an elected opposition, it does not require one in the press gallery.

VAROS- It's a stark contrast to their behavior under the Liberal Party's 13 year reign of error. They even glorified Liberal PM Jean Chretien, who was unintelligible in both official languages.

MOXARGON- I think Harper's smarter than all the press put together. Early on he saw that the more the press attacked him, the higher his poll numbers went up. So he deliberately goads them into acting like yahoos, thereby ensuring a majority Conservative government in the next election. The Canadian media is the biggest form of idiot because they think they're smarter than everyone else, and he's using that against them.

Next topic: Entertainment speed round. I'm going to toss out a headline and you will each give me your opinion. First up: Dixie Chicks are mad at country music fans for not buying their album of anti-Bush diatribes.

XRAN- Boo-freaking-hoo.

ANDROID CAI/7- Insulting fans are not the way to win them back. That is illogical.

VAROS- Maybe their friends in Hollywood can get together and buy 10 million copies of their album, because no one else seems to be doing it.

MOXARGON- Next up: Madonna opens her new concert tour by hanging from a disco-style crucifix.

XRAN- That would offend people, if anyone gave a swamp-rat's butt about Madonna.

ANDROID CAI/7- Another case of trying to win fans by insulting them. Never works.

VAROS- Perhaps she should take all the effort she puts into generating bogus controversy and put it into making an album that doesn't make my ears bleed.

MOXARGON- I don't think that possible for her. So, Brangelina finally dropped their post-larval spawn, Shiloh, in Namibia. What do you think?

XRAN- So what, this child still won't save their puny planet from us.

ANDROID CAI/7- Why is the simple act of organic breeding the cause of so much excitement?

VAROS- I asked Koos-Koos the Seer of the Future to tell me what the child will look like when she grows up. The answer was quite shocking.

MOXARGON- What did he say?

VAROS- About average.

MOXARGON- That is shocking. Oh well, that's all the time we have for today, be sure to drop by on Thursday when we're hosting the Carnival of Comedy. So goodbye for now, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Carnival of Comedy is Going to Be Out of This World

Or should that read: "Out of your world?"

Who cares.

Passionate America has done a bang-up job hosting Carnival 56, and me and the guys here at the MoxArgon Group are getting ready to host lucky #57.

57 being a very lucky number in Flokian culture.

Although I never understood why our posts were always considered comedy, we're deadly serious.

Oh well, it should be fun.

In Your World: It Is Fun Being An Illegal Alien!

A Tribute to the Literary Excesses of Frank J.

by Remulak MoxArgon

"Dagnabbit!" barked Overlord Bush as he crumpled up the morning's copy of the Washington Post. He paused for a second looking for a corner to throw it into, finding none in the Oval Office; he just whiffed it at Attorney General Gonzalez. "I'm killing more terrorists than there are STDs in France, the economy's booming, and my poll numbers still stink. What's going wrong?"

"I blame the liberal media," declared Vice Overlord Dick Cheney, "they lean farther to the left than a Zywellian bumblehog who has eaten too many farka beans."

"Damn this constitution," growled Bush. "If I was like one of those folks on UN Human Rights Council I'd be able to torture and shoot any damn reporter I didn't like. Instead I play all nice and non-oppressive and they turd all over me like a Trilluvian Wibblemonger."

"I could take select members of the press hunting," suggested Vice Overlord Cheney.

"That would never work," said Bush as he rose from his seat to look out the window. He then paused.

"Fellers," asked the Overlord of the American Empire, "is that big flying saucer thingy supposed to be hovering over Washington?"

All eyes turned to John Negroponte.

"Why are you looking at me?" asked the Director of Homeland Security.

"Aren't you supposed to know about these things?" asked Bush, pointing to the UFO hovering outside.

"Screw you!" barked Negroponte as he stormed out of the Oval Office, bawling like a little girl.

"Dagnabbit!" growled Bush. "Now he's going to go leak to the press that it's all my fault. What do you think Karl?"

Karl Rove sat silently in his chair, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Karl?" asked Bush.

Bush poked Karl Rove with his official Oval Office poking stick. The trusted adviser tipped over and fell to the floor, the top of his head popping off like a bottle-cap, revealing the empty bowl of his skull.

"Dang it!" barked Bush. "Some li'l bastard done stole Karl's brain. I need that to think for me! Now how am I going to find out what the hell's going on!"

***

"This is a Fox New Special Report," said anchor Greta Van Swooster, "as you've heard massive UFOs have begun hovering over every city on Earth, android and cyborg hordes have taken beachhead positions controlling key military facilities and someone has stolen the brain of Karl Rove. Earth is being invaded by aliens and we have no way of stopping them. Joining me now is the being who is responsible for all these events. He is called Remulak MoxArgon and he's the ruler of the multi-galaxy Flokian Empire. Welcome to the studio Emperor MoxArgon."

"It's good to be here," said the devilishly handsome blue alien. "We've been observing your planet for some time and it's a real pleasure to be finally bringing it under our heel."

"A lot of people are wondering what you did with Karl Rove's brain?"

"It's right here," said Remulak, pointing to a stocky little robot beeping by his side. "Inside my new pet Rove-bot. Isn't it cute?"

"Yes it is," said Greta. "What are your intentions for planet Earth?"

"Well," said Remulak with a smile. "my plans are very simple really. First...."

"Sorry to interrupt you Mr. MoxArgon," said Greta. "But we have to interrupt with breaking news. There have been no new developments today in the case of the teenager who disappeared in Aruba..."

"What in the name of the Seven Nostrils of Flovax?"

"Don't interrupt," said Greta before returning to her teleprompter. "Absolutely no new information has come up in this case we'll keep you... AAAAAAAAAKKKKKKHHHHHH!!!!"

MoxArgon put his disintegrator pistol back in his holster, waved away some of the smoke that was Greta Van Swooster, and said: "I thought this network would be better. All Larry King wanted to talk about was Tom Cruise and Katie Frikkin' Holmes. What the hell is wrong with you media people?"

***

"Okay Bucky," said Donald Rumsfeld, "the world is in danger of being overrun by aliens."

"Damn Mexicans!" growled Bucky.

"It's not the Mexicans!" yelled Rumsfeld. "It's real aliens, as in people from other planets! Dammit! Haven't you heard?"

"No," answered Bucky the Marine. "All CNN is talking about is The DaVinci Code, and Fox News is in Aruba interviewing American Idol finalists about the Natalee Holloway case."

"What about MSNBC?"

"What's MSNBC?"

"Get out there and destroy those aliens!" ordered Rumsfeld.

Then came a knock on the door.

Then the door fell off its hinges and a black furry alien, accompanied by a tall silvery android entered.

"Hi," said the black furry alien. "You must be Rumsfeld, I'm Xran the Fleshrender and this is Android CAI/7. You are now our prisoner."

"There are the aliens!" barked Rumsfeld. "Destroy them!"

Bucky howled and charged at the silvery Android CAI/7.

Bucky's howl was soon drowned out by the horrible squishy sound of his skull being squeezed empty like a packet of ketchup by the Android's metallic hand.

"Damn it!" growled Rumsfeld. "I just had that carpet cleaned."

***

"Next question please," said newly minted Press Secretary Tony Snow. "How about NBC news?"

"How will this alien invasion affect the reconstruction of New Orleans?" asked Brian Williams of NBC.

"The aliens atomized New Orleans an hour ago," said Tony calmly, "so property values have skyrocketed there. Let's take a question from the blogosphere. Mr. Interpundit?"

The blogger put down his puppy smoothie and stood up.

"How could the CIA not known that an alien invasion was imminent when there was a blog written by these aliens declaring their intention to conquer our world."

"The CIA only reads the Daily Kos and some site run by someone called Bitch is Always Right, or something like that. Kos completely ignored the invasion threat because it couldn't be blamed on Bush, and this Bitch fellow kept saying it was an empty threat. Ironically both are currently being gang-probed by something called the Rectalyzer. Next question, how about the New York Times."

Jayson Bleer rose from his seat. "What is the White House's position on the alien mutant named Snotglob planting eggs in Helen Thomas's brain right there in the front row?"

"Personally," answered Tony Snow, "I can see an up-side. The quality of her questions went way up since Snotglob lobotomized her, though I do fear that the eggs won't have enough to eat in there."

"One quick follow up," asked Bleer. "How is this Bush's fault?"

***

"Dagnabbit!" snapped Bush from the bunker beneath his ranch in Crawfor Texas. "Aliens have pretty much taken over the entire planet. What can we do?"

"I say look at the positive side," said Alberto Gonzalez, "the aliens did vaporize Cindy Sheehan."

"And I sent Condi to give them a thank you note for that," answered Bush, "but so far there's been no answer from her."

"I wonder how she's doing?" asked Gonzalez.

"Dammit!" barked Bush putting a .45 automatic to the Attorney General's head. "Quit doing segues and get me a beer! I'm going back on the sauce!"

***

"Ooh Remulak," said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. "That was incredible."

"Well you know what they say," said the hunky conqueror as he poured her a fresh glass of Denobulian wine. "Once you go blue, nothing else will do."

Suddenly the sexy alien overlord's communicator buzzed.

"Hello," said Remulak.

"This is TekTak," said his cyborg colleague. "I'm over at the Earthling Capitol, we've rounded the entire congress and almost all the senior cabinet ministers."

"Did you find Cheney?"

"Yeah," answered TekTak, "turns out his 'undisclosed location' was a Hooters in Fairfax Virginia."

"Good work," said Remulak. "Once my honeymoon with my new bride is over we'll unleash our endgame."

"Yes," said TekTak, "our endgame!"

"Bwah-hah-hah-hah!"

"Get back here Remulak and gimme some sugar."

"Damn Condi," said Remulak, "you're insatiable, we gotta save something for Michelle Malkin! Just let me wrap this little story up with one more evil laugh."

"Sure," said Remulak's new bride.

"Bwah-hah-hah!"

THE END?

Point/Counterpoint- Anti-Semitism

TEKTAK- Good day puny Earthlings. It's time again for Point / Counterpoint. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid sitting in for the Right and on the Left is my colleague Snotglob T. Mutant.

SNOTGLOB- Good day.

TEKTAK- The topic today is anti-Semitism.

SNOTGLOB- In my opinion there just isn't enough of it in the world.

TEKTAK- What in the name of the Glorified Gears of Gobotech 7 are you talking about?

SNOTGLOB- Anti-Semitism. I said that there's not enough anti-semitism on Earth. Sheesh for a cyborg you don't hear too good.

TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! You're supposed to be the spokesmutant for the Political Left. You're supposed to be against all forms of ethnic or religious prejudice! A good liberal is not supposed to endorse something as nasty as anti-semitism!

SNOTGLOB- Goes to show what you know cyborg-boy! I've done some of that research you're always asking me to do, and I've learned that anti-semitism is the new liberalism.

TEKTAK- It's official, you honestly lost that minuscule par-boiled pea you call a mind.

SNOTGLOB- Look at who is doing the anti-semitism thing now. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is blaming his country's problems on Israeli agents, the Mayor of London Ken Livingstone is honouring Chavez and making anti-Semitic comments himself, American intellectual Noma Chomsky, who happens to be of Jewish descent, just endorsed Hezbollah, an organisation dedicated to the genocide of Jewish people, and other leading liberal lights are endorsing Holocaust denial and the destruction of Israel. So don't blame me for being with-it.

TEKTAK- I should have seen this coming. I figured anti-semitism would be the one thing we could agree on, but once again you've surprised me by finding the blatantly ignorant and stupid side of the issue.

SNOTGLOB- Oh, so you're denying that there's a massive Jewish conspiracy to rule the world as described in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the recent paper by prominent academics Walt and Mearsheimer?

TEKTAK- Of course I'm denying those ignorant slanders. If the Jews really did rule the world in secret, would they have made themselves the world's punching bag for the past several thousand years?

SNOTGLOB- Oh there you go ruining a perfectly good argument with stupid facts! You sir are worse than Hitler!

TEKTAK- How can I be worse than Hitler? According to your new friends Hitler didn't do anything!

SNOTGLOB- And yet you're here doing something! That makes you worse than Hitler. So stick that in your thermal exhaust and smoke it!

TEKTAK- You're a real piece of work.

SNOTGLOB- Explain this Mr. Know-it-all cyborg: If Jews aren't responsible for all the world's problems, then why do so many people hate them? Hah! You don't have an answer do you, smart-boy?

TEKTAK- Of course I have an answer as to why people hate Jews.

SNOTGLOB- What is it?

TEKTAK- Some people are assholes.

SNOTGLOB- That's it?

TEKTAK- In a nutshell, yes. However, if you need more data, then I'll give it to you. For thousands of years the Jewish people have faced oppression, repression, depression, antipathy, apathy, and out and out hatred leading to undeniable mass slaughter.

Yet despite all the hardships they proven themselves, again and again, to be positive contributors to their host societies, look at the list of Nobel Prize winners in science, literature, and medicine if you doubt that.

The Jewish people then forged a functioning democratic state in a region dominated by dysfunctional dictatorships who, despite vast wealth in their petroleum mines, still wallow in poverty and corruption.

People who dislike the Jewish people do it mostly out of jealousy sparked by their own failings in the face of Jewish success. And since assholes hate those who deserve to be admired, those who hate Jews are assholes.

SNOTGLOB- Well, that argument requires a special leftist counter-argument.

(puts hands over ears)

LALALALALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALA! LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU MR. POOPY-PANTS! LALALALALA!

TEKTAK- Thanks for proving my point Snotglob. That's all for today folks, so on behalf of me and the singing fool, good day.

This is frikkin' priceless!

I intercepted this signal and thought it was just too much. I shows the BBC interviewing a cab driver who they mistaken for an internet business expert.



I don't know who this cab driver is, but he's the winner of the Remulak MoxArgon Pair of Brass Ones Awards for seeing the problem and diving in head first. It shows the 'never give up, never think of the consequences' spirit that just might save your puny planet.

So remember, keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

A MoxArgon Group Biography Special

THE REMULAK MOXARGON STORY

Since joining the 101st Fighting KeeBees our humble little blog has enjoyed a sizable jump in the number of visitors we're getting. To help these new Earthlings coming to partake in our intergalactic wisdom get to know us, we've decided to post a short biography of the single most important member of this group.

Yep, I'm talking about me, Remulak MoxArgon, raconteur, journalist, intergalactic conqueror, lover, and barbecue sauce spokesman.

I was born over a thousand of your Earthling years ago in a remote log cabin home of Herb & Judy MoxArgon in the suburbs of Fallovia City on the planet of Flokia Prime. As you can see in this baby picture I was a cute little poop-maker:

My childhood was a humble one. My parents being mere billionaires they could only afford to send me to the second fanciest private school in Fallovia City, the almost renowned Spankarzoff Academy.

While attending Spankarzoff I excelled in math, science, journalism, mad science, and political treachery. It was while at Spankarzoff I met my lifelong friend and journalistic colleague Xran the Fleshrender pictured here:

At that time he hadn't earned the title of Fleshrender and was simple known as Xran the Pudding-Inhaler. In our senior year we were the editors of the student newspaper the Weekly Spankarzoffian. Our work was so inflammatory that it started two armed rebellions and seven riots that cost over a 100,000,000 lives.

We got an A+ that year, and I gave valedictorian address at our graduation. I was going to be salutatorian, but the original valedictorian had an 'accident' and couldn't complete his duties.

I went on to Eff University and became a member of the Omega Theta Fraternity where I pursued my degrees in Doomsday Weapon Engineering and Advanced Political Treachery.

I became Valedictorian of Eff-U after those who were ahead of me suffered terrible 'accidents' involving a doomsday weapon run amok.

My talents for weaponry and arranging 'accidents' landed me an entry-level position at the Flokian Imperial Conquest Authority as a junior planetary subjugation technician.

During the wars against the Breel Mother-Hives of the Avax Star Cluster I met an up and coming war-machine and one-time centrefold model for Popular Mechanics named Android CAI/75342-X7.

We discovered a shared interest in conquering and enslaving, and we worked out a deal. I would get him the Trans-Particle weaponry he needed to wipe out the Mother-Hives of Breel, and he would help me make a play for the throne of the Flokian Empire.

Our little conspiracy got a new member when I was reunited with my childhood pal Xran who was known as Xran the Malicious Wounder at the time.

My success in FICA during the Mother Hive Wars led to my appointment as Chief Minister for Secret Policing and Dirty Tricks by Flokian Emperor FaxOrgal the Flatulent.

Now a lot of people accuse me of killing FaxOrgal and seizing his crown, but that's not technically true.

The vacuum of space killed FaxOrgal; all I did was open an airlock.

Well, I've been Emperor for several of your Earthling centuries, and as time goes by my ever-growing empire draws closer and closer to your puny planet.

So folks, keep watching the skies, because we are definitely watching you.

The Ugliest Thing...

A PERSONAL TRANSMISSION BY

XRAN THE FLESHRENDER

I knew joining the 101st Fighting Keyboardists was a good idea. Remulak was a little iffy on the deal at first, normally he doesn't like any club that don't offer complimentary Denubirian Slave-Droids, but he came around and signed up our MoxArgon Group site.

How do I know that it was a good idea?

Because the Daily Kos doesn't like us.

Thanks Kos, knowing that someone who thinks it's fitting for people to be brutally murdered by terrorists and replies to news of their deaths with a hearty & heartfelt "Screw'em" doesn't like us or the other bloggers we associate with, well, it kinda warms all three of my hearts. (Two of them I was born with, the third I won in a game of Smongojax)

Kos does wonderful work.

It's true.

The special brand of hyper pseudo-liberal, pro-terrorist, dictator coddling, Bush bashing, conspiracy mongering, and Israeli/USA blaming invective is just the sort of thing that will keep the Democrats out of power in the 2006 midterms and the 2008 elections despite constant attacks from the MSM, the CIA, and various big money interests.

There's nothing like a Kos-Baby ranting about how the Joos are to blame for everything because they've built the only functioning liberal democracy in the Middle East, or how wonderful terrorists who murder unarmed civilians are because they don't like ChimpyBushHitler, to drive the Militant Middle into the arms of the Republican Party.

Naturally the typical Kos-Baby argument is to declare that "If you like war so much, why don't you go to Iraq?"

There are three ways to answer that kind of lame-oid argument.

My favourite is to incinerate their skin with a Dravellian plasma stream. Loads of fun there, but your Earthling governments frown on such things.

The second way to respond is to ask: "If hate Bush so much why haven't you joined Al-Qaida and beheaded some schoolteachers?"

The third way is to mangle a quote from some old-time Earthling brainbox like I've done here. It goes something like this:

War is an ugly thing, but it is not the ugliest thing.

The ugliest thing is a people who believe that their culture is so vile and debased that it is not worth fighting for, and cheer those who seek to bring that culture down into rubble, yet they still demand the comforts and priviledges that such a culture provides that others are fighting and dying for.

I support this war because I believe that this culture is worth fighting for, and though I may not be a soldier on your Earthly battlefield, I can still fight in the arena of ideas. Because civilisation is founded on ideas.

I refuse to take the path that you have taken. A path of misguided resistance against the facts of the war and against freedom itself. I refuse to believe that this civilisation built by generations of Earthlings striving, not to achieve some ideological utopia based on the destruction of others, but for a better way of life for everyone is so wretched that the only solution is the darkness and horror of Islamofascism.

I refuse to become the ugliest thing.

I refuse to become you.

I think that wraps it up nicely, don't you think?

Dear Great Satan

A MOXARGON GROUP EXCLUSIVE BY VAROS QUASAR

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's me, you pal Varos Quasar. Okay, maybe I'm not your pal, but right about now I'm the least of your planet's problems. Now it's hit the news today that President Ahmadinejad (& I thought we had complicated names) had written a letter to the American President George W. Bush.

Well, thanks to a little matter transduction and duplication technology I have obtained a copy, and I've posted it here for you to read before it gets censored by the State Department spin-meisters.

Enjoy.

Dear Great Satan.

It's me, the man who will tear down your mighty and terrible empire in a wave of blood, fire, and screaming torment and bring about the coming of the Mahdi.

Now a lot of folks are making a lot of fuss about my recent comments about wiping Israel off the map and how we're trying to enrich uranium to build nuclear bombs to rain fire and death upon your infidel cities, but there's really nothing to worry about.

Sure, we are trying to make weapons to kill you all, but hey, I've been golden showered by Allah himself at the UN and that makes me special. It also means that you should just chill out an accept your inevitable and total destruction. I'd also like you to tell Shimon Perez of Israel to take a chill pill. He's been going on saying that Iran could be wiped off the map as well, and I think he means it.

That's just so wrong.

I know for a fact that Perez is not on Allah's rolodex, and henceforth does not have the right to threaten anyone with mass slaughter.

That's my job.

So set your boy straight, shut your trap, and let me get back to my job, which is bringing about the end of the world.

Toodles, and death to you all.

~Mahmoud "The Main Man of Tehran" Ahmadinejad.

Well, that's put my mind at ease.

SO, YOU NEED SOMEONE SNEAKY, EH?

A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM

THE MASTER

Greetings puny Earthlings. First I'd like to thank my old friend and Fraternity Brother Remulak for allowing me post on his blog-site. Omega Theta Forever!

But enough of my personal business, it's come to my understanding that you need a new director for your Central Intelligence Agency with the recent resignation of the Earthling you call Porter Goss.

Well, I think I'm perfect for the job. I have a lot of experience building Artificial Intelligence machines. Why just last month I built a supercomputer that enslaved the Trilobots of Regnora Prime...

What's that Remmy...?

Oh.

Remulak just told me that this Central Intelligence Agency is supposed to be a group of spies?

But from their recent behaviour I figured that they were a pack of poorly built and malfunctioning androids.

Well, I'm over a thousand years old, and I can still learn something new every day.

Actually finding out their spies makes me even more qualified, because even though I know robotic killing machines I know how to be a treacherous sneaky bastard even better. Just ask anyone in the universe no one knows more about stealing information, subverting governments, and dirty tricks more than me, the Master of Disaster. I literally wrote the book on the subject.

First thing I'd do if named Director of the CIA is to immediately plug all the leaks that are subverting American democracy.

"How can I do that against an entrenched and politically partisan bureaucracy?"

Well, my plan is simple.

First, I identify the people leaking vital information or attempting to subvert the government. This should be simple because I'm a treacherous sneaky and underhanded tool, and it takes one to know one.

Second, I prevent the person from leaking any more information. Now the old options are dismissal and/or imprisonment, but I bring something new to the table.

A Flovaxian Neural Disruptor.

It's perfect for the task, because how can someone expose national secrets when he can't even remember his own name and is working as a snot-shoveller in some dreary mucus mine.

And if reducing people into drooling slaves somehow strikes you as cruel and inhumane, then there's another option.

Disintegration.

I pull the trigger on by Molecular Vaporizer Pistol, and poof, no leaker, no problem, no fuss and no mess to steam clean out of your carpet.

Now select me to be your new Director of the CIA. I may be a treacherous, conniving, backstabbing super-villain, but I'll be your treacherous, conniving, backstabbing super-villain.

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Greetings puny Earthlings. The American mid-term elections are coming, and since we are a mighty force in the Earthling media the MoxArgon Group has decided to cash in and carry some paid political advertising.

But don't worry, in the interest of objectivity we're carrying ads from both of your political parties.

First up, the Democratic Candidate:

Now the Republican Candidate:

They both look like fine upstanding candidates to me. Gonna be a tough choice.

This Trifle Amused Me...

While cruising YouTube for more videos of Michelle Malkin I stumbled upon this amusing trifle. Warning the language is not for the ears of your hatchlings or your employer...

InterGalactic Roundtable #5

With Special Guest Host: TekTak F. Mechanoid

TEKTAK- Welcome puny Earthlings to another edition of the Moxargon Group. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid, regular readers probably know me better from Point/Counterpoint and I'm going to be filling in for our regular host Remulak Moxargon.

XRAN- Where is Remulak?

TEKTAK- He discovered Michelle Malkin's Hot Air video blog, and we can't get him to leave his office.

VAROS- I'd say that was sad, but I'm having too much of a laugh at his expense.

ANDROID CAI/7- Juvenile infatuations are illogical.

TEKTAK- So they asked me to fill in for him till he's finished watching every episode of Vent for the umpteenth time. First issue: Iranian Nukes. What should be done?

XRAN- Although I am a big fan of diplomacy, I can still see the positive side of bombarding them from the air with ionic plasma cannons until their cities are rubble, then swooping down and feasting on the skins of the populace while looting and pillaging their national treasures.

TEKTAK- Yeah, but I think you'll find that Earthlings, especially Americans, aren't all that big on the skin eating.

XRAN- And they consider themselves civilized.

VAROS- I'd hate to sound like the mushy bleeding heart here, but you don't have to resort to bombing and skin eating. The deliberate infection of the country's ruling elite with some sort of painful neurogenic virus would probably do the trick. It's hard to nuke anyone with blood shooting from your eye-sockets.

ANDROID CAI/7- Varos makes a logical point. Through his method the general populace remains unscathed. Thus leaving them fit and able for enslavement in the regions petroleum mines.

TEKTAK- All good points. Though there is still the option of mass enslavement of the Iranians through the use of Zardozian brain slugs. That would wrap things up nicely without firing a shot.

VAROS- I've never been a fan of the brain-slug option. Sure it makes people your slave with no free will of their own, but the incontinence leaves a lot to be desired.

TEKTAK- Good point. Next issue. Al Qaida in Iraq kahuna Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi is reportedly reorganizing his group from a suicide bombing terrorist gang, to a makeshift guerilla army that he thinks will be able to drive the Americans out of Iraq. What do you think?

XRAN- It's official, Zarqawi's truly gone off his nut.

ANDROID CAI/7- It is highly illogical to challenge the world's most powerful military head to head in open battle, even guerilla warfare.

VAROS- I heard that Zarqawi may not have a choice in the matter. Word has it he's having a tough time recruiting men to participate in his so-called 'Martyrdom Operations.'

XRAN- That's inevitable. Promise men 72 heavenly virgins and he'll blow himself up. However, so many have been blowing themselves up that they're probably running low on the old virgin supply.

VAROS- They're probably scraping the bottom of the barrel if you know what I mean. The girls waiting for them are probably not 'virgins by choice' if you know what I mean.

XRAN- And as someone with a history of polygamous, polymorphous, and polyspecies relationships, having so many brides ain't all that great. Put that many females together and they'll start talking. Then they'll figure out that they outnumber your sorry ass and you're screwed, and not in a good way.

VAROS- That must be why you're always traveling.

XRAN- Let's move onto the next topic.

TEKTAK- Before we move on I just have a question. Does anyone know what a female suicide bomber gets in Heaven?

VAROS- I have it on good authority that they get a day off.

TEKTAK- Next topic: Illegal immigration. To wall, or not to wall the border with Mexico.

ANDROID CAI/7- Wall's are ineffectual. Thermal plasma shielding is much more effective in keeping out unwanted guests.

XRAN- It's a big border and both walls and plasma shielding is pretty pricey. I think they could buy a few thousand hunter-killer droids from my cousin Nrax for half the price of a wall.

VAROS- I think you're missing the big picture. America needs a certain number of immigrants to contribute to economic growth. So I say they should build the wall, but leave openings in the wall that connect to a complex and constantly shifting maze. To survive the maze the wannabe immigrant has to pass a series of life or death challenges testing physical fitness, mental acuity, and any other skills Americans find necessary. It'll weed out the losers and the cranks and the ones that do survive will be more grateful to be Americans.

TEKTAK- That's a pretty good idea. Next issue: Hollywood. Critics are attacking actor Andy Garcia's film The Lost City, mostly because of its historically accurate portrayal of the Cuban Revolution. What do you think?

XRAN- Sounds like he screwed the pooch on this one. No one in Hollywood wants to hear anything bad about paragons of liberty like Fidel Castro and Che Guevera.

ANDROID CAI/7- Denial of historical accuracy to fit some irrational, and ultimately self destructive agenda is illogical.

VAROS- Yeah, pretty dumb too. Shame this will ruin Garcia's career.

TEKTAK- Yeah, it's a shame, the poor bastard's going to be stuck playing drug dealers in straight to DVD films for the rest of his life. Now let's move onto to something different. I'd like to hear your predictions for the week coming up.

ANDROID CAI/7- This week's massive May Day protests will convince the majority of Americans that they don't really need illegal immigrants.

XRAN- The coordinated CIA/Retired Military/Democratic Party/Media attacks against the Bush administration will continue to dominate Earthling news, no matter how divorced from reality or threatening to democracy they become.

VAROS- John McCain will continue to alienate Republican voters with his "Free Speech = Corruption" arguments while still becoming even more enamored with bankers and their campaign contributions.

TEKTAK- Thanks everyone for joining me today. Remulak should be back as soon as he can tear himself away from the computer screen. So until then, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you. Except for Remulak, he's busy watching Michelle Malkin. Goodbye.