The Cafferty Bile: Palin, Palin, Palin...

Good evening and welcome to the Cafferty File, I'm Jack Cafferty, still on my quest to make Keith Olbermann look like a real journalist.

Today, Octogenarian Republican Fuhrer John McCain named his choice to be the person to be crushed by the awesome god-like aura of Obama-Biden in the presidential election.

No wait, that's Tina Fey, sorry about that.

CAN WE GET THE RIGHT GODDAMN PICTURE UP?

There she is, according to the notes my assistant gave me, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, which I believe is Eskimo for the Frostbitten Asshole of America.

Now she's younger than Barack Obama. So I'm going broadly declare that she not only drinks the blood of babies, but is also less experienced than Barack Obama and will most likely destroy the country if elected, because we all know McCain will fall over dead the day after his inauguration.

Ah, Jack, she is a governor, and that means that she actually has real executive experience. Something Obama doesn't has since he's been solely a legislator his entire political career, and has never actually managed anything.

BARACK OBAMA HAS EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE! DAMN IT WHO SENT YOU? FOX NEWS?

What executive experience?

WHADDYA MEAN "WHAT EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE?"

What did he do?

Well....

Well...

Ummm....

He ran the Chicago Annenberg Challenge. He dispensed a hundred million dollars of federal, state, and private funds to improve Chicago schools. So top that sucker.

Jack?

Yes?

We're not allowed to mention the Chicago Annenberg Challenge because Obama was working with Bill Ayers on that, and Chicago schools didn't improve one bit. He won't let anyone look at the Chicago Annenberg Challenge files.

WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS!

It was in the morning talking points briefing Jack.

DAMN IT! I WAS STUCK IN THE CAN BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN BREAKFAST BURRITO!

Just get to the question Jack, and maybe people won't remember this talk, and they prefer to be called Inuit, not Eskimo, which they consider racist.

Eskimos can kiss my...

Just do the damn question, you've dug a deep enough hole.


Here's our question CNN viewers, so let us know what you think, and if you support the Democrats you might get read on the air. Our question is:

How is Sarah Palin worse than Hitler?

Leave your answers in the comments, or just vote Democrat, because McCain is the reincarnation of Hitler. He really is. Good night.

And I Thought I Had An Ego...

A
SPECIAL
VIEW
FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
NERO
CLAUDIUS CAESAR
AUGUSTUS
GERMANICUS

Hello there all you folks in the land of the living. It is I, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, but everyone just calls me Nero. In case you don't know your history, I used to be the Emperor of Rome, now I'm in Hades talking to you through Vox Poplar's digital ouija board.

I've been watching your politics lately and I must say that I'm impressed by your Barack Obama fellow. I like the cut of his jib, as the more nautically inclined are apt to say.

He's got a wonderful imperial swagger about him, and I enjoy the way the media worships him like a god on Earth, and how he tries to silence, or criminally prosecute anyone who dares criticize him. He's not bound by some irrelevant little scrap of paper like the constitution, he's destined to rule you all and he knows it.

I really like the lovely imperial theatre he's constructed for his victory speech. Nothing says raving narcissism like building a temple to yourself.

And it's not like there weren't any signs of this before. Face it, he was editor and chief of the Harvard Law Review, and a law school instructor, and the only works of scholarship he ever produced were two books telling everyone how great he is.

Bloody brilliant.

Well, it's about time you Americans dispense with your silly democracy, and get yourselves a proper ruler, so vote for Obama.

The Leftist Mind/ Reality Check Combo

NANCY PELOSI- THEOLOGIAN OF THE LEFTIST MIND

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi exposed her deeply held misunderstanding of her apparently shallowly held faith by declaring that the Catholic Church only opposed abortion and believed in the sanctity of human life for 50 years, completely ignoring the 1950+ other years of church history.

So what does this tell us about the Leftist Mind?

Two things.

1. Pelosi really doesn't know much about the religion she claims to belong to. That's because to the Leftist Mind, the material world, and its most immediate needs and wants, is the only world they truly believe in. They don't really believe in anything else, no matter what they say. Faith exists only to "scam the peasants" into giving them power.

2. Pelosi, like others of her ilk, are incredibly narcississtic. They believe that the immediate history that occured around them is the only history that matters, even when all they know is the thinnest surface view of that history. It's why baby boomers are so wrapped up with Global Warming, they think the weather they knew in their childhood is the only proper climate the Earth could, and ever should, know.

MCCAIN'S HOUSES- A REALITY CHECK

The lefties have been all atwitter lately about McCain "not knowing the number of houses he owns." Well, first, it looks like even the media knows how many, because the number varies from seven to eleven, and second, from what I've seen McCain doesn't appear to own these homes. His wife, the very wealthy Cindy McCain owns them, and it's not like they actually live in some of these homes, with several housing relatives, and others acting as investment properties.

So what if John McCain doesn't keep track of what his wife owns, at least she paid for them herself, and didn't have someone like Tony Rezko finagling the deal.

A Look Into the Future!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

The Democratic National Convention is coming up this week, and I've got an exclusive sneak peek at some of the speeches given by the Democratic candidates. First up is Obama's VP choice, Joe Biden:

JOE BIDEN, Vice Presidential Nominee

My fellow Democrats. Today we are at a momentous moment of time. A time where I, a man whose first run for President was blown out of the water by allegations of plagiarizing speeches and stories from someone else, can be redeemed, thanks to the touch of America's political messiah, Barack Obama!

It brings me back to my childhood in the hollers of West Virginia. My daddy was a coal miner, and I was married as a teenager, and my husband liked my singing and took me to Nashville, and Sissy Spacek played me in the movie. It shows that someone like me, can rise to the post of Vice President! All thanks to Barack Obama and the Democratic Party.

I bring my expertise to this team, because face it, Obama's resume is skinnier than an Olsen Twin, I mean, come on, what the hell is a "community organiser" anyway?

But with me as your next vice president, you can be assured that I will protect America from the dire threats that face it. I'm talking about threats like the horde of bloodthirsty kill-bots called the US Military, domestic oil drilling, and those damned Hindoo shopkeepers that don't know their damn place!

So let's get out there and win this election, or people will actually start thinking this country is strong!

And here's the acceptance speech by Barack Obama:

BARACK OBAMA, Democratic Presidential Nominee

My Fellow Democrats.

Today America has made a great step in transcending the things that divide us. And stand united as one country, under one eternal ruler, me.

Under my reign, such evils as global warming, talk radio, anti-terrorist operations, the conservative blogosphere, free trade, free union elections, America's democratic allies, and the US Military. The waters will recede, the sick will be healed, solely by my soaring rhetoric, and change and hope will stalk the land, the way oppression and fear stalks all fifty-seven states of this terrible, cruel, and downright mean nation.

Sure, your taxes will skyrocket, especially for the middle class, but their poverty is a small price to pay for the wonderful things that will come when all that money is dispensed to groups run by George Soros and his billionaire buddies.

And while I will not play the race card in this election, there are lots of my friends in the media who will.

So remember, if you don't vote for me, they will call you a racist.

I won't call you a racist, I'm above all that, but they will, so think twice before voting.

I may not know much about foreign policy, economics, history, or much else, but I am supremely charming and eloquent when I have a teleprompter. And that charm and scripted eloquence will no doubt convince nations like Iran, which poses no real threat, to stop threatening us with their nuclear weapons program.

I am also proud that I turned down a job on Wall Street to pursue my career as a community organiser.

Because if I had taken that job, I might have created jobs in America's predominantly minority inner cities, they'd become working middle class, and they'd probably end up voting Republican.

And besides, after the initial hire, Wall Street starts judging you on actual merit, you know work, and if a job can't be done on charm alone, it's just not worth doing.

I will keep America secrets safe. Just look at how I locked up the non-secret papers of my work with the Chicago Annenberg Challenge. No one can see any of them. I'm better than the damn CIA at keeping folks out of my business! You don't here squat about Tony Rezko anymore, and I was farther up his ass than a rectal thermometer.

Now a lot of people ask me why I'm running for President now. My resume is skinnier than Nicole Richie. I was a editor of the Harvard Law Review and a professor, managing to not produce a single work of important scholarship, but I did manage to write two books about how great I am, my work as a community organiser only really served to land me pork barrel posts with the Illinois legislature, and even then I had to get all my opponents disqualified for my first election.

Well the answer is simple.

If I don't do it now, I'll never do it.

If I spend any real time in the Senate, folks will get to look behind the charm, and know the real me.

That's bad.

Plus, being in the Senate means actually having to, you know, do something besides making pleasantly vague speeches. So I have to go for it now, or never.

So vote for me, for a new America. One where the airwaves are no longer cluttered with free speech, where illegal aliens can get free medical coverage before full American citizens, one where the stock market will crash the day after election night because of my doubling of the capitol gains tax, one where I, a friend of an unrepentant terrorist, do the bidding of an elite clique of billionaires.

That's a real America.

Wow. What soaring rhetoric.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Life of Barack

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Here's a little video from the folks at The Nose On Your Face about the life of Barack Obama. (h/t Powerline) It's very educational.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

An Android Among The Stars #20

Greetings organic meat sacks of Earth. I tried to get out of doing this, but failed, however I am allowed to include some items of so-called "real" news.

1. Washed up sitcom star Roseanne declared that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt should be be blacklisted for not endorsing Barack Obama. Roseanne was stunned to find out that no one cared.

2. Barack Obama will be announcing his VP via a text message. Judging from the short-list of candidates I figure the reaction to this message will be "OMG ROFLOL."

3. HBO made a rather adoring documentary about Washington press corps dinosaur Helen Thomas. And yet they don't know why HBO's ratings are down. HBO's next documentary project: John Kerry- Too Sexy for President.

That's all for now, because I am reprogramming myself to be lazy.

END COMMUNICATION

News of the Earth!

Greetings puny Earthlings, just a few thoughts....

-Some folks are accusing the Chinese of pawning off underage gymnasts in the Beijing Olympics. I know I got suspicious when a foetus won gold on the balance beam.

-Canada is getting a porn channel that promises a minimum of 50% Canadian content. It's not much different than American porn, it just takes longer for them to undress. With all them layers of woollens and all.

-Russia started marching through Georgia this week. When asked for comment Barack Obama said that it was proof that George W. Bush didn't care about black people living in Atlanta.

- Hunters claim to have a dead Bigfoot. I suspect that they just shot Xran's cousin Zrod. He's gonna be pissed.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Check: On the Word "Retarded."

Greetings puny Earthlings....

I noticed something while cruising the blogs of Dirty Harry, and Vox's friend the pop-culture maven Furious D, that there's a controversy brewing over the movie Tropic Thunder and it's use of the word "retard."

For the uninitiated the movie is a satire of movie stars and the movie business, and features Ben Stiller as a movie star with a sinking career who tries to get an Oscar nomination by making a film called "Simple Jack" where he plays a mentally handicapped farm hand, spewing the sort of holy fool treacly wisdom found only in Hollywood movies about the mentally handicapped.

Now the object of the satire is actors, their insensitivity, ignorance, egos, and hunger for awards, and this point is made by having the characters use the word "retard" in discussing their attempts to land Oscar gold.

Enter Timothy P. Shriver.

He's a Kennedy who inherited the leadership of the Special Olympics from his Mom, and he wants the movie boycotted, and the word "retard"* banned from the language by government fiat.

He's even bringing out some of the mentally challenged to protest the movie, the general injustice in society, and what I think is more important... INCREASED GOVERNMENT FUNDING FOR THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.

I'm not questioning his motives, he might honestly be misguided into being offended by something meant to offend actors, but when you look at how the Kennedy clan operates, you can't help but think the word "ulterior" doesn't somehow fit into this situation.

We are talking about the same family where Joe Kennedy promotes Hugo Chavez's Citizen's Energy like it was a grand charitable gesture of noblesse oblige when in reality, he's pocketing $400,000 grand a year, and he had to take a pay cut, because his predecessor, Michael Kennedy, was pocketing over $600,000 a year in babysitter money.

I'm not saying that Timothy Shriver is up to anything wrong, at least not outside of destroying the right of free speech, I'm just saying that the way he's acting; the grandstanding, the manipulation of the intellectually challenged, the attention whoring, and the desire to tear up one of the fundamentals of western freedom, is just making me a tad suspicious.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

*(BTW: "Retard" really means "to hold back or delay" and was brought into the language to describe the mentally handicapped because it seemed nicer than "stupid" or "idiot" which were deemed cruel and malicious)

TekTak's Culture Corner: Putin Goes Ray Charles...

Georgia On My Mind by Vladimir Putin

Medvedev's new presidency
And as PM I must start
Make me think of Georgia
Why did we ever part?
Some sweet day when democracies fall
And the world says I'm wrong
I'll go back to Georgia
'Cause that's where my tanks belong.
Georgia, Georgia, the whole day through
Just the old sweet bombs keeps Georgia on my mind.
Georgia, Georgia, I'm conquering you
Comes as sweet and clear as artillery through the pines.
Other nations reach out to me
Beg me to act tenderly
Still in warlike dreams I see
Jets bombing the shit out of you.
Georgia, Georgia, no peace you'll find
Becoming your emperor keeps Georgia on my mind.

Douchebag of the Week Addendum

A hat tip to the lovely and fragrant goddess of conservative commentary Michelle Malkin for letting me know about a douchebag I almost missed. They call themselves Accountable America, and their game is to hound and harass Republican donors and voters.

The Iowahawk sends them up nastily.

Stick it to the brownshirt fascist bastards Iowahawk.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

And so is Accountable America.

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

Greetings puny Earthlings, another week, another load of douchebaggery! so here they are in no particular odour order:

1. JEFFREY WELLS- A movie blogger who thinks that since Jon Voight doesn't have enough liberal guilt to blindly support Barack Obama's candidacy that he should be denied work. Well slap my ass and call me McCarthy, you're more than just a hypocrite, and a closet fascist, you're also a douchebag.

2. VLADIMIR PUTIN- For INVADING ANOTHER COUNTRY! Does he remember how well random invading and bullying people worked for his Soviet predecessors?

3. IRANIAN GOVERNMENT- For pulling a swimmer for fear that they may be polluted by sharing a pool with an Israeli. When Moamar Quadafi thinks you're a load of whackjobs, you are in deep, deep, dung.

4. JOHN EDWARDS- The former veep candidate and ambulance chaser who made his fortune suing doctors for non-existent malpractices, for not only cheating on his cancer stricken wife, but for the waffling, the denying, and then trying to justify his actions. Now he's admitting the affair, but denying fathering the child. Well, excuse me, but I don't think I'll just take his word for it, considering his history with the truth. I say take a sample of that snake oil that runs through his veins and compare the DNA. Edwards' juries may not have cared about scientific facts, but that's the only way I'll believe him. I think the illegitimate child isn't the real bastard in this story.

5. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA- You've hit a new low, when the National Enquirer comes out as the bastion of journalistic integrity. I can understand not initially reporting the story, the Enquirer's record is spotty at best, but there was no attempt to even look into the story until it was too late. Why don't you quit being shills for the Democratic Party and start doing your jobs for a change?

And don't forget, if you're on this list, it means:

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Interglactic Roundtable 2-15: Ask The MoxArgon Group

MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings. Remulak Moxargon, Ruler of the Known Universe, I'm joined by Xran the Fleshrender, Android Cai/7, Varos Quasar, and our Point/Counterpoint colleagues Tektak F. Mechanoid, and Snotglob T. Mutant. That's because it's time for another edition of ASK THE MOXARGON GROUP. That's where we answer YOUR questions, and laugh amongst ourselves at the overwhelming ignorance of your sub-species. First question!

Damian G. asked...

When are you going to get some sense and endorse the brilliant goddess that is Sarah Palin for John McCain's VP?

Just do it. It's like an anal probe of happy.

MOXARGON- Would you like to field this one Xran?

XRAN- Yes, and I'd like to start by saying that someone at Damian's stage of puberty shouldn't be hanging around the spaceport bars where one learns about the "anal probe of happy". As for Sarah Palin we really don't know all that much about her, except that she comes from Alaska, and her brother Michael is an unfairly underrated member of Monty Python.

MOXARGON- Next question...

RT said...

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

MOXARGON- Bit of a personal question, but I'll answer it. The birds suddenly appear, because I am the damn sexiest thing in the universe. And if you pay attention, squirrels also show up, but they're there for my nuts. The ones I always have some to feed squirrels you know. They give us great information about you Earthlings. Next question:

Marvin said...

Are Obama's ears actually some kind of alien implanted mind control device? If so, do they put him under the control of alien overlords, or do they help him control the wills of the simple minded, like journalist?

MOXARGON- I believe Android Cai/7 can answer that question.

ANDROID CAI/7- The ears are not a mind-control device. They are merely a genetic trait inherited from his real father, Don Knotts. His control over journalists is a product of the combination of their illogical political bias, liberal guilt, and their simple-minded and illogical attraction to shallow charm.

MOXARGON- Next question...

Libsareb Raindead said...

O Overlord of the Known Universe ...and minions, Given your infinitely superior knowledge and advanced technologies, I'm sure you know of a way to convert the mushy sludge known as liberals' "brains" into something actually beneficial to mankind; namely, an abundant source of readily exploitable crude oil.

If we do all the domestic drilling for it and give you all but a few measly hundred billion barrels off the top, so to speak, would you be interested in working out an intergalactic trade deal between your group and our planet for this new oil? It's a metaphysical certainty liberals would unanimously go along with such a deal because they'd feel they'll be "doing something" to "Save the Planet™" and deny any huge "windfall profits" to "evil Big Oil®." Plus they won't miss that pre-converted pristine sludge since they never had the first use for it anyway.

MOXARGON- Will you like this one Tektak being a bit of a economics wonk?

TEKTAK- Sure. I have to start with that we don't use petroleum products for really anything outside of making inexpensive hair gels, and we don't need it for energy since our tr-cyclic fusion reactors fulfill all our energy needs and then some, safely, cheaply, and efficiently. In fact, once we conquer your world and start bringing tri-cyclic reactors to your planet, you'll probably kick yourselves for not seeing how simple that technology is to replicate. Though I do believe Snotglob has a use for such a product.

SNOTGLOB- Liberal brains make a wonderful dessert topping called Slurmy.

TEKTAK- It's the pipe dreams that really bring out the sweetness.

MOXARGON- Next question...

Marvin said...

Why is it always unattractive southerners in trailer parks who get probed? Living in the south, and having colorful employment, I must say it drives me nuts having to listen to these peoples complaints all the time. If it is you probing them, and you must do so, couldn't you evaporate the dumber of the bunch? It would have the added bonus of sabotaging any future Ron Paul/ Mike Huckabee campaigns.

MOXARGON- Varos, I think you can answer this one.

VAROS- It's essentially a make work project for the under-employed of several planets. The aliens make extra money scanning human brains for recipes for corn fritter via the best way to reach the Earthling mind, the anus, and the trailer park folks can earn extra money selling their stories to tabloids and cable tv shows.

MOXARGON- And without Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee, we wouldn't have enough Republicans to laugh at. Next question--

RT said...

What will be the big surprise of the upcoming elections?

MOXARGON- It will occur during the only debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. It will end when McCain catches Obama reading his, supposedly spontaneous, answers off a teleprompter, threatens to "tear off his head and shit down his neck" for doing it, and then McCain does it. Winning the election by a landslide as the first candidate to actually keep a promise. Next question--

Chris in NC said...

How many planted trees of carbon offsets do you have to buy from Al Gore to fly your ships around the world?

XRAN- I'll take that one, first we don't burn carbon, and second, carbon offsets are the biggest scam since Trusme of Tebokka V sold "breathing licenses" to the fish-people.

MOXARGON- Looks like Chris has a second question...

Chris in NC said...

What is the hottest picture of Billie Piper that Remulak has?

MOXARGON- What shameless pandering for cheap cheesecake. You sir, are a sexist pig, and we here at the MoxArgon group do not objectify women! But to answer your question, it's this one...



MOXARGON- Our last question is...

Wyatt Earp said...

Who wins in this three-way battle royale: Boba Fett, Darth Maul, or Nancy Pelosi?

MOXARGON- That's a bit of a toughie. While Nancy Pelosi won't fight for anything but keeping Americans away from their own oil, all the botox injected into her over the years have left her immune to both blaster and light saber attacks. We're going to have to run some computer models on that one. Or just toss them all into a ring... depending on which one's more fun. Anyway, we're out of time for now, so keep watching the skies because we're watching you.