Tales of a Wandering Warlord Part 4: A Garden State Of Mind

NOVEMBER 4th, 2006.

My plan to see the Red States has hit a snag.

A snag called New Jersey.

Be advised, never rent a car from a company called 'Clunkers 4 Rent.' I learned that it's not a cute gimmick, merely a statement of fact.

I also learned that Earthling automobiles do not have anti-gravity generators, and thus are unable to fly.

So I place the blame for my predicament about 50/50 between myself and the rental agency with the suprisingly misleading yet honest name.

Earthlings call this place The Garden State. I don't know why, I couldn't see a single tree in Newark, though the smell did remind me of fertilizer.

"Wat f*ckin' exit yuse from?" asked a young woman as I pulled myself from the wreckage of my rented Chevy Impala.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"Wat f*ckin' exit yuse f*ckin from?" repeated the woman.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Yuse f*ckin' ain't from f*ckin around here?" she asked.

"I thought the big blue head might be a clue."

"You f*ckin' could be from f*ckin' Hoboken," said the woman. "Hey, yuse looks f*ckin' fermiliar. Ain't you that f*ckin Remulak MoxArgon?"

"As a matter of fact I am," I replied.

"It's f*ckin' me RT," she said, holding out her hand.

"I didn't recognise you from the way you talk," I said as I shook her hand.

"Yeah," she said, "I f*ckin' write f*ckin all f*ckin different, but f*ckin everyone in f*ckin Jersey f*ckin talks this f*ckin way, ain't you f*ckin seen the f*ckin Sopranos?"

"Truth is stranger than fiction," I said. "Say, can you give me a lift to the airport?"

"F*ckin sure," said RT.

***

"I can't believe this," screamed a wormy looking fellow ahead of me in line at the ticket counter. "I'm supposed to be in California for a Ned Lamont rally, not waiting in New Jersey because a scuzzy little prole like you told me my flight is delayed! Don't you know who I am!?!"

"Who are you?" asked the clerk at the counter.

"I'm Kos!" screamed the man ahead of me. "I'm the most important political thinker in this rotting cesspool of a country! I am the voice of the people, now get my goddamn flight running on time!"

"I can't control the weather," said the clerk with the bland monotone brought on by years of dealing with people at their most asinine. I know that tone, my third wife uses it a lot when she talks to me.

"Who put you up to this?" screamed Kos. "Did Rove do it!?! Answer me damn it! I'm the kingmaker in this dung heap of a country, I--"

ZAP!

Kos fell to the floor at my feet, a big wet stain forming at the front of his pants.

"What did you do?" asked the clerk.

"It's called the Flokian nerve pinch," I said, "his whining was getting on my nerves."

"Is he all right?"

"He'll be fine," I answered. "Just a little brain damage leaving him unable to pick a winning candidate. So they'll be no change. I'd like a ticket to Texas please."

"First class all the way," said the clerk.

Texas here I come.

Tales of a Wandering Warlord Part 3: New York! New York!

NOVEMBER 3rd, 2006.

New York City, the Big Apple, Gotham, the Windy Cheese, or something like that.

Anyway, it's the unofficial capitol of capital for this strange little planet, so I decided to check it out.

I got off the train at Penn Station after spending my time in Philadelphia, ducking the police and helping Karl Rove rewire the Diebold voting machines. I had a long list of things to see, and do, and to have done to me while I was in town, and I was set on doing it all. Because if I could make it there, I could...

How does that saying go?

Who cares?

I had booked a suite at one of the pricier hotels in Manhattan. They didn't have an 'Intergalactic Conqueror's' suite, so I had to settle for Presidential.

While strolling along Manhattan's downtown I came across a gaping hole in the skyline. I knew where I was instantly, I was standing on the edge of Ground Zero where the World Trade Center once stood.

I wanted to have a moment of silence for the almost 3000 Earthlings who perished in this atrocity, but someone was intent on ruining that for me.

"Stop the reconstruction!" screamed a woman in her early 20s, with long dirty blonde (& I mean dirty) hair done in those 'White Suburbanite Dreadlocks' popular with the professional protester crowd.

"What in the name of Zarg are you griping about?" I demanded from the unkempt protester.

"They're planning to put new buildings on this site!" she screamed.

"Please speak in a normal tone of voice," I said covering my ears.

"They're going to defile this site with new construction," she said. "That shouldn't be allowed, people died here and it's sacred."

"This land is not sacred," I said.

The woman gasped and almost dropped her non-fat soy-latte on her birkenstocks in shock.

"This is the location of a mass murder," I continued, "it's not a shrine, it's not a temple, it's a crime scene."

"You insensitive monster!"

"I am a monster," I replied, "but I am not insensitive. This is the heart of Manhattan's downtown district. A place of commerce, communication, a place of life. This desire to go into a state of paralysis and perpetual grief does a disservice to the living and especially to the dead. Innocent people were murdered here, the best respect we can show the dead is for the people of this city to rebuild, bigger and more beautiful than ever. If more remains are found then they should be handled with all the due care and respect they deserve, but you can't let that stop this city from living."

"How dare you challenge my absolute moral authority with rational thought!"

It was then that I realised that I'd be better off arguing with a brick than with this person, so I left, regretting leaving my particle blaster at the Frat house.

***

"Please give," said a fellow in a worn Armani suit on a corner of Fifth Avenue.

"Wait a minute," I said, recognizing the beggar's face, "you're Al Franken!"

"Please don't spit on me!" howled Al Franken, covering his face with his hands.

"My species only spit when we absolutely have to," I said, "that's because we spit acid."

"Please spare some change for Air America," pleaded Franken, "we're out of money , nobody listens to us, charities won't let us steal from them again, and the list of rich lefties willing to piss money away is shrinking fast."

"Oh, you poor creature," I said. Then I spat on him.

"Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" screamed a nervous fellow with salt and pepper hair, who waved his arms frantically. "This maniac's acting under the influence that evil trimuver... triamver... trio of Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham!"

"You must me Keith Olberman," I said.

"You violent psycho right wingers should all have your eyes gouged out with rusty spoons!" screeched Olberman. "Promoting violence against us poor folks who dare to speak truth to power!"

"If that's not the hackneyed catchphrase of the moron," I said, "I don't know what is."

"I hope my viewers, all two of them, get you conservatives and roast you alive on spits for promoting violence against us liberals!"

"You do realize that you regularly voice violent fantasies against conservatives?" I asked.

"Of course," answered Olberman, "but when I do it, it's cute, when you do it, it's a justification for the elimination of free speech."

Too bad I wasted a good loogie on Al Franken, I was going to need a drink to work up another one for this troll.

"Wait here," I said as I went to cross the street to a convenience store, hoping they carried some Flokian digestive acid, or if unavailable, Diet Pepsi.

That's when it hit me.

A bus to be specific.

***

"How do you feel?" asked a voice from the darkness.

I opened my eyes and saw a young boy standing in front of me.

"A little sore, but I heal quickly. Who are you?" I asked.

"We've never met face to face," answered the boy, "but you filled in for me with my blog last summer."

"Damian G?"

...RECTUS.... DOMINUS...

"Where's the creepy latin choir music coming from?" I asked.

Damian shrugged.

"It's always sort of been there," he answered.

...DOMINUS... SPHINCTUS...

"It's kind of annoying," I said.

"You get used to it," answered Damian.

"Where am I?"

"My home in Amityville," answered Damian. "Saw you get hit by the bus and managed to get you into my Gremlin before the cops came. You're wanted in Philadelphia for exposing lacklustre policing."

"Thanks," I said, getting up from the couch, folding the Spongebob blanket, and heading for a door. "I really should be getting back to my hotel, I've got an honour bar I simply have to dishonour."

"That's not the exit," said Damian as I opened the door, "that's a closet."

I looked inside and screamed.

"There's a skeleton in your closet!"

"That's not a skeleton," answered Damian, "that's my life size shrine to Anne Coulter."

... FLATUS... MAXIMUS...

"That's it," I said, "I'm outta here. I'm gonna go check out the Red States."

Tales of a Wandering Warlord Part 2: The Philadelphia Story

NOVEMBER 2nd, 2006

The bus ride to Philadelphia was educational to say the very least. In fact, thanks to an intoxicated fellow who introduced himself as 'Butchie McGonigle' I learned of the wide range of odours you humans are capable of producing. You should all be ashamed and classified as biological weapons.

Anyhoo, the was something other than the incredibly diverse scents of Butchie in the air, there was the smell of an coming mid-term election. Campaign signs were on lawns, stuck to light poles and even graced billboards.

I stepped out of the bus station and inhaled some of that downtown Phillie air.

When I regained consciousness, I decided that I was going to grab me a cheesesteak, and join with the natives in what appear to be the tradition of griping about the general suckiness of their sports teams.

"Lookee what we got here," said a husky fellow in an ill-fitting grey JC Penny's suit and tie decorated with little six guns and tin stars. He was twirling an elaborate handlebar moustache with one hand and fondling his billy-club in another. I knew exactly who this was.

"Wyatt Earp," I declared, "dontcha know me, it's Remulak MoxArgon, your fellow blogger."

"Listen ya reject from the Blue Man Group," snarled Earp as he fondled his billy even harder, "we folks in the Philly PD don't take kindly to any of you minority types."

"I'm not a minority," I said, "I'm Remulak MoxArgon."

"Are ya comin' on ta me?" asked Earp, "because we Philly cops are homo-phobies too!"

Wyatt then rapped me on the head with his club.

"What was that for?"

"Being blue without a permit!" growled Earp.

"Is this because I made fun of your 'man weekend?'"

Then Wyatt Earp reached for his gun.

"Yee-haw!" hooted Earp, "I'm the rootinest-tootinest lawman west of Schuykill!"

I reached for my particle blaster, since Earp was obviously demented by the rush of power being a cop gave him, I decided I was only going to stun him, and then smack him around a little.

I'm a forgiving kind of guy.

I'm also a forgetful kind of guy.

If I wasn't I would've have remembered to fish my particle blaster out of the Delta Delta Delta House toilet.

"Oh crap," I muttered.

BANG!

Thank the Stars of Zell that he was trained to shoot by the Philly PD, he completely missed me and struck some innocent passersby, I believe it was a nun.

"Dagnabbit!" growled Earp, "I ain't got time for the paperwork shooting a bystander gets me, especially a white person! I got minorities to harrass with excessive force!"

It was then that I decided to run for it.

***

Since I was on Earth during a major election I decided to see what all the fuss was about. there was a lot of talk about the voting machines, and since Diebold had a factory in Philly, I decided to check it out.

"Karl?" I asked, amazed at the sight of my old buddy Karl Rove with his sleeves rolled working on a huge computer mainframe. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Remulak," said Rove with a cheerful smile, "I'm just rigging the Diebold voting machines."

"So the Republicans can win the mid-term election?"

"No," answered Karl, "so the Republicans can lose the mid-term."

"Why are you doing that?"

"Because a lot of the Republicans in Congress have become lazy squishy lard-asses who couldn't tell their own butt from a hole in the ground," answered Karl, "So I'm going to scare the knickers off them with the scariest two words in the world."

"What are those?"

"Speaker Pelosi."

"Ouch."

"I'm also setting the Democrats up to tear themselves apart."

"How will winning tear apart the Democrats?"

"Simple hubris my alien chum," said Karl. "Ya see, the Democrats have gone as far as they have in the polls by recruiting centrist moderates as candidates, but if the Democrats actually win both the House and the Senate, they're gonna go totally bugshit. Pelosi's gonna think it was her lefty San-Fran ways that won the election, and her buddies like Kos, Cindy Sheehan and Michael Moore will start thinking they can call the shots. This will freak out the moderates, completely paralyze the House and Senate, and leave them with the image as the party that couldn't organize a shag in a brothel for the 2008 Republican sweep."

"I'm predicting that within the first ten days of winning they'll be at each other's throats," continued Karl. "Pelosi wants her buddy and Abscam target Murtha named as House Majority leader, but the others will want some guy named Stern Hoyer to be House Majority leader. They'll be a big backroom scrap, Hoyer will win in the end, but despite all the talk of healing, it will be the beginning of the end of Democractic Party unity."

"Sounds like you've got it all figured out," I said.

"Most of it," said Karl, "the only thing that can screw it up is if the Republicans name some chowderhead like Trent Lott to be minority whip."

"Wanna go grab a cheesesteak," I asked.

"Sure," answered Rove. "Pass me that wrench, and I'll be with you in a minute."

Tales of a Wandering Warlord Part 1

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Now I'm sure many of you are curious as to what I was up to during my almost two weeks on your planet, and since I have some time to kill while waiting for my fellow panelists to thaw out from their time in Android CAI/7's stasis tubes, I'm going to post my diary of my trip to Earth.

Enjoy.

A Diary of My Trip Around the Planet Earth

By Remulak MoxArgon

NOVEMBER 1st, 2006.

I woke up on a bed of empty beer cans. My head ached and my mouth felt like a leprechaun had dropped a deuce in it while I slept.

"Dude," said a voice from behind an overturned sofa, "that was the best Halloween party ever."

The voice was vaguely familiar, then my memory of the night before hit me like a medieval weapon in the hands of an attractive, but feisty female columnist.

I was in the house of the Delta Delta Delta Fraternity, and last night had marked my initiation into this august brotherhood. The voice emerging from behind the overturned couch belonged to Scooter, my new adopted brother. The initiation itself was a rather simple affair, no blood trials, or pits of doom, just a lot of male bonding, beer, tequila, and a visit by the lovely ladies of Eta Beta Pi Sorority.

"Dude," said Scooter, rubbing his red eyes and having some of the hair of the dog that bit him. "Whose panties are on your head?"

Thankfully, they were conveniently labelled.

"Her last name is Haines," I said. "It doesn't say her first name."

"Was she the chick in the Catwoman costume?" asked Scooter.

I tried to recall, but despite recovering some of what happened, the bulk of the night's activities was a hazy blur.

"I do recall she left smiling," I added. "You know what they say, once you go blue, nothing else will do."

"Well that is one hell of a costume you've got," then Scooter paused and looked at me closely with his bloodshot eyes. "Wait a minute, dude, that ain't a costume."

"Dude," I said, "I ain't even got pants."

"Haines tossed them on the chandelier," said Scooter, taking the presence of an alien conqueror rather well, "I'll get the broom to fish them off."

Later that day, I was showered, dressed, and bid goodbye to my new brothers, Scooter, Wankmeister, The Tank, Stinky, Moose, and Bill the Pervert, and the hospitality they showed me in their humble home.

For a race that I will eventually conquer and enslave, they sure throw one hell of a party.

I looked up at the sky, the stars above were as familiar to me as the back of my own zolbaks, yet I didn't really know this puny little blue green rock as well as I thought I did.

It was then that I decided to see a little of this place you Earthlings call home.

***

"I make greetings at you?" said a strange looking fellow with a bushy black moustache and hair that looked like it had been styled with a blender. He was wearing an ill fitting grey suit and a manic expression that looked like he had a cattle prod wedged in his rectum, and he liked it.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked, I was just outside the capitol building buying a hot dog from a vendor named Stewie, when this creature decided to interrupt my lunch. A cameraman was following him, taping everything he said.

Why, I do not know.

"I am Borat," said the crazed little man, "I am journalist from Kazakhstan, could you say something anti-Semitic for me?"

"Despite my resemblance to a young Mel Gibson," I said, "I am neither drunk, now, nor an anti-Semite, ever. And besides, your accent is all wrong."

"Listen mate," snarled this Borat fellow in what was now a cockney accent, "say something stupid, I've only got 15 more minutes to milk this damn thing!"

"I'll bet that moustache is fake," I said as a reached up and gave it a good yank.

The moustache was real.

It was then that I decided to get out of Washington for a while.

To Be Continued....

The New MoxArgon Group

ANDROID CAI/7- Greetings organic life forms of the planet Earth. This is Android Cai/7, your host for the new and upgraded version of the MoxArgon Group. Joining me is our new, more logical, panel of experts

Omnitron 3000, chief editorialist for the Cybertron Daily Gleaner,

Nardo the All-Knowing Grand Master of the Order of Logicians and lifestyle columnist for the Tholian Weekly Journal,

and the twin columnists for the Gemini-12 Daily Data Download Vix-Xix. Gestures of greeting to you all.

OMNITRON 3000- It's nice to be here.

NARDO- I find the changes you have made most intellectually stimulating.

VIX-XIX- Delete! Delete!

ANDROID CAI/7- First topic, the Democrats have won a majority in the American House of Representatives and the Senate. How will affect American foreign policy? Perhaps you would wish to go first Omnitron 3000?

MOXARGON- Excuse me?

ANDROID CAI/7- You will have to wait your turn... REMULAK!

MOXARGON- What's going on here? Where's my regular panel? Who are these people? And who in the name of the seven hells of Horax redecorated this place!?!

ANDROID CAI/7- There is a simple and logical explanation for this... It is most fortunate to have you back with us, have you lost weight?

MOXARGON- You seized control of the blog while I was away, didn't you?

ANDROID CAI/7- Sort of...

MOXARGON- I'm going to count to ten, then I'm going to blast you with my plasma rifle. One...two...

(BOOM!)

OMNITRON 3000- Oh my god! You shot him!

MOXARGON- It's the only way he'll learn. Now you boys better haul your butts outta here before big blue starts dishing out some steaming bowlfuls of whoop-ass!

NARDO- RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

MOXARGON- Now, where did he put my panellists? Looks like I've got some cleaning up to do folks, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

There Are Some Changes In The Offing

Greetings organic units of the Planet Earth.

As you may have noticed some changes have occured today, a little of what the missing Remulak MoxArgon would have called 'Spring Cleaning' which is illogical, because this is the Earth season of Autumn.

Anyway, such allegories are irrelevant.

This blog is now under new management, and there will be a few changes. I haven't been able to change much outside of the appearance, because Remulak kept the passwords to do more, all to himself.

Well he is not around, so his opinion doesn't really matter right now.

I'm looking to make this blog more rational and logical, and to do away with the sarcastic commentary and mean spirited humour Remulak derived illogical pleasure from.

This is the dawn of a glorious new age Earthlings.

An age of logic and steel.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime enjoy this example of what Earthlings call 'humour' from Frank J. to pass your limited existence.

Time For Some Fresh Circuits

Greetings puny organic life forms of the planet Earth. This is Android CAI/7 -5342-X7. With the disappearance of Remulak MoxArgon I have decided that the most logical course of action is to have my android hordes imprison the remaining members of the MoxArgon Group in stasis tubes while we await his return.

If he returns.

Now while you most likely come to this 'blog' for cogent and intelligent political analyses of your planet, some have the misguided belief that this is somehow a source for amusement or humour.

While I personally do not understand the need for laughter, I will accept that it is somehow stimulating to your puny organic brains, so I present this piece I poached off of Hot Air to amuse you.

Enjoy it!

2006 Mid-Terms: What's Next?

TEKTAK- Greetings puny Earthlings. TekTak F. Mechanoid here, still filling in for Remulak MoxArgon. As you've probably heard the Democrats did very well in the American mid-term elections. Joining me to discuss what the future holds, is Koos-Koos, who was just appointed Supreme Seer of the InterDimensional Order of People Who See Things Before They Happen. Congratulations on the new appointment.

KOOS-KOOS- I knew it was going to happen. And I knew you were going to say that.

TEKTAK- I'm sure you did. So, what's in store for the American Earthlings now that the Democrats have won the House and Senate.

KOOS-KOOS- The future is a nebulus, living thing. It changes and shifts with the tides of destiny. I can however tell you what will most likely happen.

TEKTAK- What will most likely happen?

KOOS-KOOS- The next two years will leave America as impotent as a Major League Baseball Anti-Doping Commissioner. The Congress will vote to de-fund the Iraq War. Chaos will ensue, leading to genocide as Sunni kill Shia and Shia kill Sunni, Kurdistan will declare itself independent and be attacked by Turkey, Syria, and Iran in some vain attempt to keep their own restive Kurdish populations in check. The Bush Administration will try to aid them, but will be blocked by the Democrats. Thus the only democracy in the Middle East outside of Israel will have to struggle to survive.

Lebanon will be forcibly annexed to Syria by the Basher Assad, who will convert to Iranian style Shi'ism to please his masters. War will erupt, leading to the deaths of thousands. In reaction, the United Nations will condemn Israel.

The prison at Guantanamo Bay will be de-funded and all of its prisoners released to their home countries. Thus sparking a wave of terrorism throughout the Islamic World and the west. A sudden influx of trained Jihadists into France will transform their low-level 'intifadah' into a full fledged armed revolt that will spread to every other European city. The rebels offer to end the violence if Europe adopts Sharia Law. Despite European governments agreeing to this, there will be a popular revolt across Europe, leading to widespread genocide of the continent's Muslim population and political anarchy.

Nuclear proliferation will spread like wildfire throughout the Middle East. This is because North Korea, seeing a now powerless USA will sell their technology to all bidders without fear of reprisal.

On the domestic front, all Presidential judicial, cabinet, and ambassadorial posts will be blocked, thus creating total political gridlock. The tax cuts will be repealed, the economy will collapse, unemployment will skyrocket and the recovery of the housing market to a stable viable level will be put off.

All attempts to reform and enforce immigration laws will be blocked by Congressional Democrats, as well as reform of America's intelligence services. The Department of Homeland Security will be de-funded, its budget to purchase a fleet of private jets for the Al Gore Global Warming Foundation. These events will lead to a massive terrorist attack on American soil in late 2007. Thousands will perish.

TEKTAK- Sounds pretty grim.

KOOK-KOOS- The chaos will start to recede after the Democrats lose the House and the Senate in 2008 which will also mark the election of the Guliani/Rice Republican ticket which will defeat the Barack Obama/Keith Ellison ticket presented by the Democrats.

By the way, Hillary Clinton's loss of the Democratic Presidential nomination will put her into such a rage she will release her personal files containing all the dirt on Democratic Party bigwigs and their financiers. The MSM will completely implode, torn by their loyalty to the Democratic Party, and their complete obedience to Hillary's demands.

TEKTAK- Now you said that this is only 'likely' to happen. What could prevent such global chaos?

KOOS-KOOS- Democrats could realise that America's enemy is not Republicanism, but radical Islamism, but all attempts to promote that idea within the Democratic Party will be shot down as "racist."

TEKTAK- Thanks for this look into the future. By the way. Any idea as to when Remulak will return?

KOOS-KOOS- I haven't got a clue.

TEKTAK- Well, that's it for now. Anyone with word of Remulak MoxArgon's location on planet Earth, please drop us a line in our 'homages' section. Thanks, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

One of Our Pundits Is Missing!

Greetings puny Earthling, Xran the Fleshrender here wondering if anyone's seen our loathed beloved leader, Intergalactic conqueror, political pundit and master barbecue chef Remulak MoxArgon.

We're getting worried. He hasn't called us on the hyperwave, but there also haven't been any reports of any of your major Earth cities being destroyed by maniacal aliens, which means that no one on Earth has annoyed him, yet.

Remulak, if you're reading this, drop us a line. TekTak's trying to keep the blog running. Snotglob's coccooned itself in worry, Android CAI/7 is plotting to take your place as leader of the blog, and Varos has started dating Anne Coulter.

We know where that can lead.

Please come back!

Earthlings, I'm asking you to be on the lookout for Remulak MoxArgon. He's about 7 1/2 of your feet tall, weighs about 300 Earth pounds, has a really big head, and is blue. He tends to stand out.

Except in Los Angeles.

But anyway, tell us if you've seen him. Anyone who helps us find Remulak will be greatly rewarded by being put on the 'Spared for Easy Slavery' list, as opposed to the 'Exterminate Immediately List' and the 'Mucus Mine Slavery' list.

Keep watching the skies, and the world around you. Because he could be anywhere.

COME BACK REMULAK!!

As you may have heard our group's leader, the lovely and fragrant Remulak MoxArgon is missing somewhere on the planet Earth. I'm hoping he checks in with us soon and I'm posting this video as bait...



Come back Remulak, we miss ya, and you still owe me 20 zoldars.

INTERGALACTIC ROUNDTABLE #2.4: Report from a Tasty Planet

TEKTAK- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's me Tektak F. Mechanoid, filling in for Remulak MoxArgon for this edition of The MoxArgon Group. Joining me are Varos Quasar, Xran the Fleshrender, Android Cai/7, and my Point-Counterpoint colleague Snotglob T. Mutant. Let's begin with our report on our recent expedition to Earth. Now I was visiting my cousin Herbot who's a probe-technician at Area 51 and missed all the fun you guys had, so why don't you tell our readers what happened.

XRAN- I must admit, I'm starting to like these trips to Earth. They are a peculiar people.

ANDROID CAI/7- Yes most illogical. We arrive at their door, tell them that their doom is imminent, and they give use various forms of sugary confections as a form of appeasement.

VAROS- Don't forget the stuff they call 'potato chips' you really can't eat just one.

SNOTGLOB- I found that those things the Earthlings call pop-rocks give me very painful gas.

TEKTAK- Painful for everyone, remember, it wasn't a big spaceship on the way back. But the big question is what happened to Remulak?

XRAN- Yeah, that's a bit of a puzzle. We had finally convinced him to leave Michelle Malkin alone, and what does he do, he tries picking up Mary Katherine Ham up at some of fundraising party for Republican candidates.

VAROS- That was embarrassing for everyone. Remulak thinks he's The Great Zoldar's Gift to the Ladies when he's drunk.

SNOTGLOB- What was that pickup line he used?

XRAN- It was "Hey baby, you're Ham, I'm Rye, let's make a Ham on Rye."

ANDROID CAI/7- That line almost made me regurgitate my circuit board.

XRAN- She maced him for that.

TEKTAK- She used pepper spray on him?

XRAN- No, it was a real mace. Big spiked ball at the end of a chain.

ANDROID CAI/7- I was surprised to see people who still carried them.

SNOTGLOB- She got him good. Right in the zelnorbs.

TEKTAK- Then what happened?

ANDROID CAI/7- He ran into some members of the Young Republicans who offered to initiate him into some sort of secret society.

TEKTAK- What, like Opus Dei? The Freemasons? The Jaycees?

ANDROID CAI/7- I believe they called it Delta House Fraternity.

XRAN- He agreed to go with them if they promised to give him Bethany from RealVerse's phone number.

VAROS- And that was the last we saw of him.

TEKTAK- Oh dear, I don't like the idea of him alone on Earth. Remember what happened of Twellos 9?

SNOTGLOB- The people on that planet just gave up trying to clean up that mess and moved to other planets.

TEKTAK- Well, I'm sure Remulak would want us talking about Earthling politics. Now the New York Times unleashed another October surprise by claiming that putting documents about Saddam's nuclear weapons program somehow helped Iran in it's nuclear ambitions. I posted the cover to the manual in question just the other day.

SNOTGLOB- That's awful! Bush should be impeached for that breach of national security! Bush lied people died!

ANDROID CAI/7- Logically, the New York Times is saying that Bush didn't lie. They are acknowledging that Saddam Hussein did have a weapons program, that was merely waiting for an opportune moment to revive.

XRAN- Yeah, but they're like those 500 shells full of chemical weapons that were found in Iraq, they're evidence of WMDs but the MSM doesn't consider it worth reporting. They were only enough to kill 8 million people.

VAROS- Wait a minute, the New York Times has been saying for years that there were no WMDs, now they're saying they are?

XRAN- It's called hypocrisy in action.

ANDROID CAI/7- They are only acknowledging the existence of the Iraqi WMD program in a vain attempt at embarrassing the Republicans on the eve of the mid-term elections.

SNOTGLOB- Yeah. Sure Saddam's generals probably sold the same stuff to Iran a long time ago, but those evil Republicans shouldn't have put those documents on the web. It shows their callous disregard for national security that fine publications like the New York Times is trying to preserve.

ANDROID CAI/7- Are we talking about the same New York Times that hasn't encountered an important covert operation it didn't want to expose?

SNOTGLOB- Yes.

TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. If you get any dumber we're going to make you go around wearing a helmet. Next issue: Scandals. The president of the National Association of Evangelicals has resigned amid accusations of involvement with a male prostitute and buying methamphetamine. The press are saying that this is yet another blow for the Republicans. Can anyone spot what's wrong with that sentiment?

XRAN- To make it a Republican scandal shouldn't this fellow be running for public office as a Republican.

ANDROID CAI/7- Yes, the media's claim is most illogical.

TEKTAK- Perhaps a more fitting word is 'biased.'

VAROS- Come on, media bias is a myth made up by people who expect the truth from their news reporters.

SNOTGLOB- Yeah, what he said.

TEKTAK- I rest my case. Next issue, John Kerry put his foot in it again this past week. I made a film about it, roll the video...

ANDROID CAI/7- That sums it up rather nicely.

XRAN- Needs more chicks, but otherwise pretty good.

SNOTGLOB- That was biased!

TEKTAK- Of course it's biased. It's an opinion piece, not a news report. Well, we've got things to do, and a host to find, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

XRAN- You should also watch the bars and the bushes outside Michelle Malkin's house.

Nuclear Secrets Revealed!

Greetings puny Earthlings, while the others are recovering from last night's trip to Earth, I've scored a scoop.

I've discovered the real source for all the nuclear know-how Iran and North Korea are showing.

It's not the Russians.

It's not the A.Q. Khan network of Pakistan.

IT'S THIS BOOK!You know, I never trusted that bastard Dagwood. All that snoozing and eating giant sandwiches seemed mighty suspicious to me.