Illegal/Illogical

A SPECIAL COMMENTARY BY

ANDROID CAI/7

Last week the Earthling empire of the United States of America witnessed huge and illogical protests over some proposed legislation calling for the enforcement of already existing laws. This issue at the heart of this controversy is what is called "Illegal immigration" by the Earthlings.

For those of you who are new to the issues of the planet Earth, illegal immigration is when people of one poor country sneak into a richer country in order to find employment in direct violation of the host country's laws regulating such behaviour. Hence, illegal immigration.

Now this is where the part that does not compute comes in.

The majority of Americans are the descendants of immigrants, so deep down they may feel some sympathy for the plight of innocent people whose only desire is to work hard and build better lives for their families.

However, you do not win Earthling hearts and minds by doing this:

Now declaring that you'll "take back" a large portion of your host country through most likely violent revolution and make it part of some delusional third world empire has to be the dumbest, most illogical, strategy I have seen since Golok the Skinreaver attacked the Flokian Crimson Armada with two ships and a petunia inserted in his rectum for luck.

Now any sympathy the Earthling Americans have had for their illegal immigrant cousins is now deader than Golok the Skinreaver. Plus all this talk of Aztlan, the Reqonquista and such, will not help the cause of illegal immigrant rights, it will cause the exact opposite. In fact, if these groups actually attempt to bring about their mad dream of the Kingdom of Aztlan they will most likely be massacred faster than an alien who thinks a petunia in his backside will protect him from a plasma cannon.

Look at the facts:

United States of America: World's premiere hyper-power with nuclear weaponry, a highly trained and battle-hardened military, advanced technology, immense wealth, and a civilian populace that's better armed than most countries.

Mexico and the Reconquista Movement: Mexico is nation rich in national resources, but trapped in a never ending cycle of poverty thanks to the never-ending machinations of its political elite. It is crippled by corruption, crime, violence and governmental incompetence. To paraphrase my associat Xran, they couldn't organise a shag in a bordello.

Mexico couldn't hold onto Texas when all that stood against them was a handful of Gringo farmers and some guy with a dead raccoon on his head, how can they be expected to reconquer the American Southwest without being smashed into atoms?

Let's go on a wild trip of the imagination and posit the unlikely possibility* that you actually succeed in conquering the American Southwest without being nuked beyond the stone-age.

What would happen then?

I'll tell you what will happen, thanks to my tri-definition alternate-dimensional flux-agitation viewer. It allows me to look into all possible alternate realities without getting off my recharge unit. Now it took me a long time to find a dimension where this crazy dream actually worked, and here's what happened there:

The same corrupt political elite that has made Mexico the basket case of North America will immediately get to work turning Aztlan into the next basket case. All the rights, freedoms, comforts, and economic opportunities enjoyed by illegal immigrants in America will be gone.

With the Aztlan economy crippled like Mexico's, the Aztlan people will then start sneaking across the border into what's left of America, looking for work and to avoid starvation. Of course, hardened by the loss of the Southwest, the remaining United States initiate a less forgiving policy than simple deportation.

Those illegal immigrants who somehow get past the landmines, laser armed hunter-killer probes, and genetically engineered guard velociraptors, will be summarily executed, as well as all those who smuggle and hide them. The method of execution: the illegals and their accomplices will be fired back across the Aztlan border head-first by a massive trebuchet or catapult.

Is that what you really want?

If America's Illegal Immigrant population is serious about their rights and really wanted to show respect for their host country, they'd ditch those Aztlan and La Raza people like a rancid enchilada. And when they protest for their rights they shouldn't wave signs praising the country whose poor & corrupt leadership forced them to become criminals in a strange land. Instead they should have been waving Yankee flags and singing "God Bless America" in English. Showing gratitude and love for your host nation is the best way to win the hearts and minds of Americans and to avoid the dreaded catapult back home.

And the next time those political hacks start ranting and raving about Aztlan and rejoining Mexico, you should ask them and yourselves:

"What has Mexico ever done for us?"

America is the land of opportunity and its people can be very accepting of immigrants, but only if those immigrants are accepting of what it takes to be American.

So smarten up and thank your deity that you are in a country that hasn't enslaved you, fired you off a catapult, or fed you to their genetically engineered velociraptors.

*actual odd of success for the Reconquista: 1 in 1,454,909,342,987, 989.45.

Point/Counterpoint: Peacemaking & Thanksgiving?

TEKTAK: Good day puny Earthlings, it is time for another edition of Point/Counterpoint. From the Right, I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid.

SNOTGLOB: And from the left I'm Snotglob the Mutant.

TEKTAK: This past week saw the rescue of the three surviving Christian Peacemakers taken hostage in Iraq by a terrorist group called the Swords of Righteousness Brigades...

SNOTGLOB: I object to that!

TEKTAK: Object to their rescue?

SNOTGLOB: Yes, but I also really object to your use of the word terrorist. Those people are not terrorists, they are insurgents, they are the resistance, they are freedom fighters!

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! Freedom fighters don't blow up markets, kidnap innocent people, beheading most of them, and kill schoolteachers. Do any of those things and you're a terrorist in my book and deserve to be slowly vaporized.

SNOTGLOB: According to you logic, you're a terrorist.

TEKTAK: Damn right, and I've never claimed to be anything else. Unlike these so-called 'Peacemakers' what a load of semi-gelatinized farflenards.

SNOTGLOB: These people do good work.

TEKTAK: Those people don't do anything worth the plasma to blast them into orbit. Real peacemakers work to bring two sides in a conflict together to end the conflict without violence, giving fear or favor to either side. These Christian Peacemaker Teams take sides, and they always seem to take the side of violent fascism.

SNOTGLOB: That's a rather harsh judgment.

TEKTAK: Sometimes harsh is necessary. These pseudo-pacifists are being treated as heroes when they're in fact idiots being used by vile killers to promote their causes. The Christian Peacemaker Teams have supported Saddam Hussein, the Taliban of Afghanistan, the Colombian Narco-terrorist group FARC, the PLO, Hamas, and every other pro-fascist anti-western cause in the book. If they were truly Christian and Peacemakers they'd be trying to end the ongoing slaughter of Christians in Nigeria, Pakistan, and the Sudan.

SNOTGLOB: If these things are truly happening, I'm sure the Christian Peacemaker Teams would be doing something about it.

TEKTAK: They are happening you dimwitted slarg-herder! Yet the Christian Peacemakers refuse to even acknowledge that they're happening. They won't even acknowledge the torture and murder of their colleague Tom Fox by their captors. Hell, they prefer to say that they were 'released' by the Swords of Righteousness Brigades rather than thank the Coalition Armed Forces who rescued them. People like the Christian Peacemakers have their own dictionary, one where 'gratitude' comes after 'gimme' and 'gotcha.'

SNOTGLOB: If the Coalition hadn't taken down Saddam there wouldn't have been a problem.

TEKTAK: No, there would just be a completely different problem for them to blame the Americans, like the continuation of the sanctions and the no-fly zones that were denying Saddam the genocide he so dearly wanted. Here are some questions I would like the Christian Peacemakers to answer. Why do they always rant about so-called 'atrocities' committed by the West, yet ignore the all too real atrocities committed by Islamists and communists? Why won't they acknowledge the torture and murder of their colleague? Why are dictators always right and democracies always wrong? Why does there definition of peace include opposition to self defense, but not to terrorism?

SNOTGLOB: The Left doesn't have to answer questions. If it did the Mainstream Media would be asking them. It can't be because they're biased morons.

TEKTAK: You know Snotglob, sometimes you make points and you don't even realize it. That's all for now folks, so be sure to check in soon for another edition of the MoxArgon Group.

InterGalactic Roundtable 3: Ports, Politics & Punditry.

MOXARGON- Welcome Puny Earthlings to another edition of the MoxArgon Group. There's a lot to talk about this week, and I'm joined by our regulars Android Cai/7, Xran the Fleshrender, and Varos Quasar. Good to see you all again. First topic: Iraq, civil war, or load of hogwash.

ANDROID CAI/7- Hogwash.

XRAN- Civil war.

VAROS- Somewhere in the middle.

MOXARGON- You're all wrong because it's a trick question. Iraq is, in fact, a country on the planet Earth.

XRAN- Grow up.

MOXARGON- Next issue. The Dubai Ports World plan to take over operation of six American ports is dead. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7- A most illogical display of political pandering on part of the people opposed to the deal. The Port of Miami has been run by Dubai Ports World for years without a problem. And if they can run Miami without problems, they're pretty much miracle workers.

XRAN- I opposed the deal. America's ports should be run by those best qualified to run them: Longshoremen's unions and the Mafia.

VAROS- What amazes me is that the deal was brokered by Bill Clinton, who apparently did it without the knowledge of his mate Hillary who publicly opposed the deal.

MOXARGON- Maybe that was the plan all along? Folks are going on about how it was a conspiracy to give control of the ports to Halliburton, but what if there was a different plan afoot. Bill's offered money to lobby on behalf of Dubai, Bill says yes, having never met a foreign currency he didn't like, he then sets up the deal, knowing full well that Hillary will oppose it in the Senate. This way they can pocket several hundred grand, give Hillary a chance to grandstand about security without actually doing anything to stop terrorism.

ANDROID CAI/7- That sounds most logical. I did find her claims about not knowing about her husband's business dealings hard to compute considering she has held his gonads in a vise for the past twenty odd years.

MOXARGON- Next issue. Bloggers are all up in arms because actor/smartass Richard Belzer appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher and declared that he knew more about the war in Iraq than the soldiers on the ground. Soldiers he characterized as stupid and ignorant.

ANDROID CAI/7- I am not at all surprised by Belzer's attitude. He's a rich, successful actor, they always think the seven stars of the Reptus Nebula shine out of their back passages.

XRAN- I don't know where these Hollywood folks get their information. Someone convinced Charlie Sheen that the Bush Administration somehow staged 9/11.

MOXARGON- I once convinced Charlie Sheen that Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation, that doesn't make it true.

VAROS- What shocks me is that people were actually watching Bill Maher.

MOXARGON- Good point. Next issue. Two Harvard professors have come under fire for an 83 page paper they wrote claiming that America's secretly controlled by an Israeli conspiracy.

ANDROID CAI/7- What did they call it? The Protocols of the Elders of Harvard?

XRAN- They're being criticized by everyone. I hear that they're supported by various Neo-Nazis and Ku-Klux-Klan connected wingnuts like David Dukes. The anti-Semites need someone to put a pseudo-academic spin on their wacky beliefs since the Austrians locked up David Irving.

VAROS- I don't understand anti-Semites. What I've read about them they believe 'the Joos' are trying to take over the world. Why not let them? They can't possibly do worse than the other people who are trying to rule the world, and they might even do better. I say give them a shot.

MOXARGON- Interesting point. Although we wouldn't want them to do too good a job, especially when we come calling. Next issue. Students are rioting in France over legislation curbing the lifetime employment guarantees that kept their parents in wine and cigarettes. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7- If unemployment among young people is so high, then the French government should trim the youth herd a little. Vaporizing a few hundred thousand protesting university students would do the trick.

XRAN- There's nothing more French than fighting for your right to be a welfare bum.

VAROS- Actually, the segment of the under-30 population with the lowest unemployment are graduates of France's elite universities. These graduates tend to be white, 'pure-blood' French people. If this legislation goes into effect they run the risk of getting fired for trivial things like laziness and incompetence. This could lead to increased hiring of people outside their narrow socioeconomic/ethnic circle, thus ending their strangle-hold on the job market.

MOXARGON- I see what you're getting at, these students are fighting not for government handouts, but to keep France's immigrant population off the ladder to success.

VAROS- Exactly. Their fight is to keep the workplace white.

MOXARGON- Interesting point. This attitude also feeds the isolationism already inherent in France's Muslim population, thus fostering the influence of Al-Qaida who would love to see nothing more than to undo the work of Charles Martel and turn France into a province of their absolute caliphate.

XRAN- And where would those student protesters be after that?

MOXARGON- Probably hanging by their necks from lamp-posts. It's what I like to call a self-fulfilling idiocy. That's all the time we have for today. Check back soon and keep watching the skies.

---------------------------------

ATTENTION MOXARGON GROUP FANS

Your future conqueror is looking for a queen to stand by his side when he finally conquers your puny little world. Submit your nominations here, and you might by yourself a ticket out of the Phlegm Pits.

Lookin' 4 Luv On All The Wrong Planets...

A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM

REMULAK MOXARGON

Greetings puny Earthlings, this time I come in peace... for now.

As you know the conquest of your planet, by me and my unstoppable intergalactic hordes, is inevitable.

You should accept it willingly, even greet it eagerly. My empire is unique in this universe and all the alternate dimensions, you can actually understand our tax laws.

But that's not why I'm here.

Since I will soon be your Supreme and Ultimate Ruler Whose Feces Are An Untramelled Delight I will require a queen, maybe several, of the female of your species.

If you're one of the two or three regular readers of this blog, you'll know that in the past I've pitched woo to Sex-cretary of State Condoleeza Rice and columnist Michelle Malkin. Sadly, both rejected my advances, one is married to her duty to her country and the other is married to some guy...

Anyhoo...

I'm looking for your suggestions over who should be my future queen when I finally put your puny world under my all powerful thumb. I figure I'll start with the romancing before the invading because I wanna know if she wants me for me, or because I just conquered her planet.

So folks start making with the suggestions. Supplicants who suggest a worthy queen, or queens, will win an great prize when I take over your world.

You will not be proccessed into cattle feed.

So let me have some names and I'll break out the flowers and the champagne.

UPDATE: I feel that I should put forward some simple criteria for potential queens. So before you suggest any names you should look at this checklist.

• She shouldn't be too skanky. I don't mind a little seasoning, but if where's she's been freaks out someone who used to date Voginnia the Queen of the Altolussian Skank Pirates*, I'm not exactly interested.
• She is not Hillary Clinton. Any Earthling who tries to pawn her off on me will end up spending the rest of their days as a slave in the mucus mines of Flemotrax Prime.
  
• She must have a brain. That means that she can read and be capable of intelligent conversation. Nothing worse than a queen with the brain-power of an Crogelliflaxian Turnip.
  

Other than that I'm open to all races, creeds, hair colours and body types.

*namely me.

UPDATE 2.0: Okay folks, let's set a few more ground rules.

• The candidates for my future queen must be between 18 to 40 Earth years of age. I ain't no R. Kelly.
• They must be living.
• They must be human females. (Remulak is strictly for the ladies if you know what I mean.)
• Sense of humour preferable, but not essential.
• They must be open minded about being courted by an alien intergalactic conqueror.
  

Point/Counterpoint-Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Muslim?

TEKTAK- Welcome puny Earthlings to Point/Counterpoint. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid and joining me, as usual, is Snotglob the Mutant. Say hello Snotglob.

SNOTGLOB- Hello Snotglob.

TEKTAK- Today we're discussing a new word that folks want added to the English language. It's called Islamophobia and it means the fear of Islamic people otherwise known as Muslims. Various prominent Islamic leaders are using this new word to pressure western governments and societies...

SNOTGLOB- And right they are. Islamophobia is racism pure and simple.

TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. Islam isn't a race, it's a religion, that encompasses several geographic groups that humans call races.

SNOTGLOB- Then they shouldn't be oppressing people because of their religion.

TEKTAK- Non-Muslims only oppress Muslims in the paranoid fantasies of the Islamic world's political and religious elite. In our universe, all the real oppression of Muslims is done by their fellow Muslims. Muslims who live in non-Muslim societies on average have standards of living way above their co-religionists in their native countries.

SNOTGLOB- But what about those terrible cartoons, if they're not a symptom of Islamophobia I'll eat my shirt.

TEKTAK- You don't wear a shirt, you have a shell.

SNOTGLOB- It's a figure of speech. Those cartoons were a direct provocation of the peaceful Islamic community, 60 Minutes said so.

TEKTAK- That's another 'fake yet inaccurate' story Snotglob. Those cartoons were drawn because an author of children's books wanted to publish a book on the life of the Prophet Mohammed in order to promote peace and understanding, but couldn't find an artist for fear of reprisals from Islamic radicals. When reprinting the cartoons in Egypt last October failed to generate enough outrage some Imams made up some of their own sparking riots and murders worldwide, thus proving the fear-mongers right. I thought I explained all this already.

SNOTGLOB- You probably did, but when you start ranting it kinda shifts into white noise to me.

TEKTAK- Free speech is being restricted all over the European Union in a vain attempt to appease radical Islamists which will only succeed in getting them to manufacture more grievances with which to bully others with. They decry Islamophobia, but then use it to get their way it's hypocrisy of the worst order and odour.

SNOTGLOB- Even moderate Muslims are saying the cartoons were offensive.

TEKTAK- They're free to be offended, but no one can claim the title of moderate if they demand the free speech and rights of others be curtailed, especially when it comes with the thinly veiled threat of radical violence. That's both the problem and the solution of living in a free society. People are free to offend you, and you're free to call them jerks for doing it, and you're free to not buy their product or service, but you cannot bully someone from being a jerk with threats and violence.

SNOTGLOB- But what about the politicians calling Islam a 'religion of peace?'

TEKTAK- There are many things in Islam that promote peace, but folks don't seem to be reading those parts of the Koran these days. Muslims in Nigeria began massacring Christians and burning their churches. Muslim leaders said it was revenge for the Danish cartoons, but no Nigerian Christians were involved with the cartoons. Do 'religions of peace' go looking for such thin excuses to commit murder, rape and vandalism?

SNOTGLOB- But Christians fought religious wars, what have you got to say about that smart bot?

TEKTAK- Sure the Christians of Earth did a lot of terrible things that cost many thousands of lives. But here's a little bit of data, that's mostly history, not news. How many mainstream Christian preachers call for genocide from their pulpits? How many Christian schools instruct their students to strap bombs to their bodies to detonate themselves in the middle of crowded buses and restaurants? How many Christian mothers run for elected office on a record of turning their sons into murderers, for a party committed to genocide and win? Any Christian who tries anything like that will be declared a raving lunatic by the majority and cast out to the fringes of society. For the most recent example look at the pseudo-Christian Slobodan Milosevic, who was turfed from power and put on trial for his crimes, by the predominantly Christian USA, and the nominally Christian Europe for crimes against innocent Muslims. Meanwhile the Islamic mainstream tries to qualify or justify the actions of the radicals through a mix of liberal guilt and or historic or imagined grievances.

SNOTGLOB- There are moderate Muslims out there.

TEKTAK- There are, and we shouldn't be afraid of them. But they've joined the ranks of moderate Germans of the 1930s, and moderate Russians of Stalin's Soviet Union in the dustbin of history. They're scared too, but only a few have the stones to admit it publicly and stand up to the radicals. The rest, aided and abetted by Earthling liberals pass the blame onto the victims.

SNOTGLOB- I think Islamophobia is a real thing and should end.

TEKTAK- I agree with you. Islamophobia is real, but its cause isn't Western prejudice. It's caused by the behaviour of Muslims and the silence or moral qualifications of the so called 'moderates.' The majority of Earthlings are in their 21st century, and they're watching people who claim to represent around a billion earthlings kill Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhist, Atheists, Homosexuals, Women, and most of all fellow Muslims they deem to be 'impure.'

SNOTGLOB- I think we can stop Islamophobia by stop offending the Muslim community.

TEKTAK- By the Sacred Servos of Triplexicon 9, you really are thick. Islamic radicals are OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING THEY DO NOT CONTROL. The only way Earthlings, even moderate Muslims, can appease such people is to submit to their absolute control over every aspect of your life. As Earthling columnist Mark Steyn says, if these radical Islamists were true believers they wouldn't be offended by cartoons, or the existence of non-believers, they'd be offended by the fact that the name of their beloved prophet is the name of choice for so many nasty little scumbags like:

• Mohammed Atta, the chief mass murderer of 9/11.
• Asif Mohammed Hanif, who blew up a bar full of people in Tel Aviv.
• Heshamed Mohammed Hanif, who shot up an El Al ticket counter.
• Ali Mohamed, who blew up American embassies in Kenya and Tanzania.
• Mohammed Bouyeri, the murderer of Theo Van Gogh.
• Mohammed Skaf, the Sydney Australia gang rapist who claimed Islam justified his crimes.
• John Allen Muhammed, the Washington Sniper.

They're the real insults to Islam, not cartoons, not Jews, not Christians, and not anyone else. If Muslims want to know the real cause of Islamophobia, they should look in the mirror.

SNOTGLOB- You're big on passing the blame, but do you have a solution?

TEKTAK- This problem has three possible solutions. One, radical Islam succeeds in conquering the world, plunging it into a dark age of perpetual war and death that will leave it ripe for invasion by folks like us. Two, the moderate Muslims shake their fear of their radical brethren and cast them out from the mainstream and into the darkness where they belong. They have to embrace the future and such things as democracy and freedom or they'll end up facing the third way...

SNOTGLOB- What's the third way?

TEKTAK- Even I don't like this one. The third way is if the radical Islamofascists try to take over the world and the rest of the world does what it's done too many times before when threatened: Annihilation.

SNOTGLOB- That's not a happy ending.

TEKTAK- Not for anyone, that's why options One and Three must be avoided at all costs if Earth is to survive this crisis. That's all for us today. Tune in next time for Point/Counterpoint.

InterGalactic Roundtable 2

MOXARGON- Welcome puny Earthlings to another edition of The MoxArgon Group. Joining me today are my regular panelists Android Cai/7, Xran, and the newest full member of our little group, Varos Quasar.

VAROS- It's great to be here. And I'm still wishing Drone-9099 well. Does anyone know what he's doing? He's supposed to be out of rehab by now.

MOXARGON- It's a sad story. He completely quit interstellar conquest and political punditry.

ANDROID CAI/7- I heard that has entered some sort of training school to become a beautician.

VAROS- No way.

XRAN- It's true. I saw him the other day, running around screaming: 'Exfoliate! Exfoliate!' It was pretty sad.

VAROS- Damn, dating Anne Coulter really messes you up.

MOXARGON- Well, let's get back to business. First issue: Has the western media lost their collective noodle. A quarter of the world is on fire, people are being massacred, countries are being boycotted and pastries are being renamed, and all the American Mainstream Media can do is waste hours and hours covering the non-event of a non-fatal hunting accident. What do you think?

XRAN- I think they have a legitimate reason to be upset. Dick Cheney didn't call the media before he called the ambulance, thus costing them some great video footage of his injured friend being loaded onto the ambulance.

MOXARGON- Varos?

VAROS- I think they are nuts. There's a war going on all over the world, freedom of speech is threatened, and all they have to talk about is their hurt feelings about not being called first. That's not how sane journalists act.

MOXARGON- Android CAI/7?

ANDROID CAI/7- I think they were acting perfectly logically. Or at least as logically as the MSM is capable of acting. You see the MSM is allied with the Democratic Party. And the entire existence of that Democratic Party is based upon the desire to destroy Overlord Bush and all those who disagree with them so they can seize power again. That's why they manufacture controversies where none exist, praise their nation's enemies, undermine their own war efforts, and act rudely or clownishly at press events. They are so blinded by their lust for power, and their contrariness to Overlord Bush, that they cannot see that they are hurting their own nation, and possibly their very lives.

MOXARGON- Excellent point Android Cai/7. Next issue: and I know we're beating a dead horse, but the Islamic World is calling for the punishment of the entire nation of Denmark, in fact, the entire Western World, over those inane little cartoons, what do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7- Highly illogical.

VAROS- Doesn't make a lick of sense to me.

XRAN- They're merely subscribing to the notion of 'collective responsibility.' You see, their culture has pretty much destroyed all individuality to serve the religious and political elite. They cannot conceive that western cultures are made up of individuals who are only controlled by their own sense of good taste, so when one westerner offends them, all must be punished.

MOXARGON- That's a pretty primitive attitude on their part. When that Targallian tried to kill me, I didn't blame the entire Targallian race, now did I?

XRAN- You still killed all of them.

MOXARGON- Yes I did kill all of them, but I didn't do it because I blamed them for the actions of an individual. I killed all of them to act as a lesson for others.

VAROS- Maybe that's what the Muslims are doing?

MOXARGON- But if they do what I did, there won't be anyone left on Earth to learn the lesson. In the eyes of the extremists all must die over these cartoons.

ANDROID CAI/7- I am concerned by the proposed restrictions on free speech the European Union in considering.

MOXARGON- True. I always have free speech on the planets I conquer, that's how I know what my enemies are up to.

VAROS- They claim that those restrictions are being done in the name of sensitivity to Islamic feelings.

XRAN- Sensitivity could end up getting a lot of Muslims killed. Europeans have a nasty tendency to resort to genocide over imagined threats from people they consider 'outsiders.' What do you think they'll do over a real threat to something they hold dear?

ANDROID CAI/7- What really burns my circuits is the craven cowardice of the MSM in their coverage of the issue. Only the Boston Phoenix has been brave enough to admit that their decision to not publish the cartoons was out of fear of inevitable and violent reprisals from the Muslim community.

MOXARGON- Most MSM have claimed they censored the cartoons out of 'sensitivity to the feelings of religious people' and then ran some piece about how great it is to put Christian symbols in bodily waste.

VAROS- Maybe they're only sensitive to the feeling of religious people who will kill them?

XRAN- I heard that only 70% of journalists covering the story have actually seen the cartoons. That means almost a third are in complete ignorance over the whole issue.

MOXARGON- I think we could all agree that this cartoon controversy is far from over. Next issue: former American Overlord Jimmy Carter says that the United States and other nations should give aid to the Palestinian Authority, even though they elected a violent terrorist group to form their government.

ANDROID CAI/7- Jimmy Carter's either senile, insane, both, or under some sort of mind control. I don't see any humanoid with an intact cerebrum making those kinds of statements.

XRAN- I agree.

VAROS- Is it just me or does Mr. Carter seem to support anyone that wants to kill Americans or Jooos?

MOXARGON- It's not just you. I can't see the logic in wanting the USA to give money to people who want to wipe out the only functioning democracy in the region.

VAROS- Maybe the people in the Democratic Party should change their name to the Anti-Democratic Party, it would be more honest.

MOXARGON- We are talking about politicians here. And that's all the time we have for today, so on behalf of us all here, goodbye for now, and keep watching the skies.

Play 20 Questions with Varos Quasar

Greetings puny Earthlings, as the 'new guy' in the MoxArgon Group it's fallen upon me to learn as much as possible about your planet. That's why I've put together these 20 questions for various segments of Earthling society, and if you can answer them for me it just might inspire me to be merciful when my cyborg hordes finally swoop down on your measly little world.

For Earth's Muslim population:

1. Do you worship Mohammed or Allah? It seems pretty simple and straightforward, I've looked up some of your texts and they say that you worship Allah and that Mohammed was merely a vessel for the word of Allah. If that's true, then why are so many calling for death and destruction over caricatures of a humble vessel?

2. Why do these cartoons matter, aren't the works and opinions of non-believers meaningless if your faith is correct?

3. Are you rioting and threatening people to cover a shameful lack of faith on your part or the part of your leadership?

4. Why aren't you threatening and boycotting Egypt? A national paper there reprinted the cartoons approximately five of your Earth-months ago, and no one seemed to care.

5. If your system is so wonderful and the West so evil and foul, why aren't Westerners immigrating to your countries and not vice-versa?

6. Why do figures in Western entertainment have to apologize when they show radical Islamists engaging in terrorist activity, shouldn't the Muslim terrorists who created the stereotype be forced to apologize to their law abiding brethren?

7. How does producing oil for $5 a barrel and selling it to the West for around $70 a barrel constitute theft on the part of the West? From my perspective it looks like the West is getting the short end of the stick here.

For the American Democratic Party:

8. What's the big deal about your President collecting information on people who want to kill your citizens?

9. Why are Jimmy Carter and Robert Byrd, two 'reformed' believers in segregation with connections to the racist KKK, considered more sensitive to the needs of African-Americans than the Bush family who were founding financiers of civil rights groups like the NAACP?

10. Why are you against almost every program that attempts to protect your citizens from violent radical terrorists?

11. Why are your members calling for surrender in a war that you are actually winning?
Do you have any alternatives to Bush's policies other than just opposing him?

12. Why is gathering information on international terrorists bad, when your own leadership has used similar means to gather information about harmless political rivals?

13. Why is Cindy Sheehan, a woman viewed as either treasonous, mentally unstable, or both by the majority of America's population calling the shots over party policy?

14. Why is abortion considered an absolute good by members of your party, is it because over 70% of abortion clinics are in predominantly ethnic minority communities?

15. Why is the Patriot Act so evil? It only gives law enforcement the same tools to use against terrorists that they already use against organized crime.

16. If the Patriot Act really is evil then explain to me why Al-Qaeda members deserve more rights than American born members of La Cosa Nostra?

For the American Media & Entertainment Industries:

17. Why do you call it 'domestic spying' when the program is targeting foreign operatives?

18. Why do people who leak data that endangers national security called 'heroic whistleblowers' while people who expose questionable activity by Democratic operatives called 'threats to national security?'

19. Why is Hollywood insisting on releasing whiny anti-American movies that domestic audiences stay away from, and then reward these financial failures with underserved praise and awards?

Point/Counterpoint: Trouble in ToonTown

TEKTAK Greetings Earthlings and welcome to Point/Counterpoint. Today your minuscule planet is all atwitter over a series of cartoons posted by the Danish Jyllands-Posten newspaper that portray the founder of the Islamic religion the Prophet Mohammed. Muslims the world over are enraged by what they consider blasphemy.

SNOTGLOB I can fully sympathize with the Muslim people. Those folks at the Jello-Post-It-Notes shouldn't be printing caricatures of religious figures. Especially of the founder of what all the politicians are calling 'the religion of peace.'

TEKTAK Religion of peace?

SNOTGLOB Yes, the politicians keep calling it the religion of peace, isn't it peaceful?

TEKTAK Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut, so far the Islamic faith has been the guiding force behind death threats against writer Salman Rushdie for writing a substandard novel and Egyptian actor Omar Sharif for playing the Christian St. Peter on Italian TV, the murder of Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh, massacres of Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, and fellow Muslims in Africa, the Middle East and Asia, the brutal oppression of women, homosexuals, and non-believers inside Islamic countries, riots in Europe, cash bounties for the heads of cartoonists, and countless terrorist attacks that have claimed thousands of lives worldwide. And that's just what they've done in the last couple of human decades or so.

SNOTGLOB Wait a minute, if all of this true, then why do people call it the religion of peace?

TEKTAK Because if you don't the followers of the religion of peace will cut your head off, and humans can't grow theirs back again.

SNOTGLOB What I don't understand is why are they getting so worked up over some cartoons drawn by non-believers?

TEKTAK It all boils down to a very simple premise. They once had a very highly advanced civilization, and for quite a while they were the top dogs on planet Earth. Then they blew it. Ever since they've been saddled with corrupt, brutal and incompetent leaders, a rapidly degrading standard of living, and are forced to watch all the peoples they used to look down on surpass them in almost everything. The only invention in the last few decades they can lay any claim to is the suicide bomber, and they ripped that off from the Tamil Tigers of Sri Lanka.

SNOTGLOB What does that have to do with a stupid cartoon? I mean you can't go to an art gallery in the western world without seeing crucifixes in jars of urine, Virgin Marys made from animal dung, rap stars dressed like Jesus on the covers of magazines, and the occasional TV series designed solely to offend Christians. Yet these same Christians don't go around threatening genocide or even murdering the artists involved. Why do the Muslims feel they have to react with violence calls for vengeance?

TEKTAK I was getting to that point. You see they screwed up. Everyone else is starting to enjoy the 21st century, but the Islamic leadership is obsessed with recreating a mythical version of the 7th century. So to distract their people from their culture's many recent failings they goad them into violent screaming rages over things other cultures would either ignore, or respond with a letter to the editor, canceling a subscription, or boycotting advertisers. Peaceful responses leave lots of time left over to ask questions about your religious and political leadership. While violent angry responses are full-time commitments that further alienate them from the Western and Far Eastern cultures and force them to rely more and more on their increasingly isolated political and religious elite.

SNOTGLOB Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you saying that this controversy over the cartoons merely an elaborate cover-up by Islam's political and religious leaders to hide the fact that they've put their own people on course of cultural, economic and spiritual suicide?

TEKTAK More or less. And thanks to nuclear weapons they can take the rest of the planet with them when they decide to finally go all the way.

SNOTGLOB Damn. Who knew cartoons could be so destructive.

TEKTAK Yep, they sure are dangerous.

SNOTGLOB Why don't the Danes just apologize?

TEKTAK They did. However that's trapped them in the Catch-22 of the Muslim fundamentalist mindset. They threaten to kill you if you don't apologize, but when you do apologize they refuse to accept it because they think you're not sincere and trying to avoid being murdered so they will kill you anyway.

SNOTGLOB Well, I'm sure my associates on the Earthling's Political Left are taking a stand against this as an assault on Free Speech.

TEKTAK Actually, they're leading the charge to force everyone to apologize for the cartoons and are even promoting censoring them and anything else that might offend Islam.

SNOTGLOB That doesn't make any sense.

TEKTAK Not much on the Left does my mutated muchacho. You see the Earthling Left believes that Free Speech only counts if it offends Caucasians, Americans, Conservatives, or Christians. They see nothing wrong with submitting to the extortion of people willing to kill over a cartoon. And the funny thing is, the most offensive of these cartoons, one featuring Mohammed with a pig's nose and another featuring him doing something indecent with a dog, were FAKED BY MUSLIMS under the orders of their imams to get the old hatred going. In fact, the one with the pig's nose, has been discovered to be of a man participating in a silly hog-calling contest that had nothing to do with Mohammed, Islam, or anything worth rioting about.

SNOTGLOB Now you're talking crazy.

TEKTAK It's all true.

SNOTGLOB So they're blaspheming their own religion to goad their people into violence that could only result in a whole lot of death and destruction.

TEKTAK Whatever it takes to keep control. They're sort of like the Liberal Party of Canada that way, and like the Liberals let's hope the truth finally gets heard over the screaming so everyone on Earth can enjoy a little peace before their inevitable conquest.

InterGalactic Roundtable

With Special Guest Panelist

Varos Quasar

MOXARGON Good evening puny Earthlings and welcome to a long awaited gathering of the Moxargon Group. DRONE-9099 will not be joining us this week. He's in rehab and we all wish him well. Joining us is a distinguished author, critic, and the conqueror of over ten thousand star systems. Varos Quasar Lord of the Pustulent Hordes of Drul. Thanks for coming Varos.

VAROS It's a pleasure to be here. And I'd like to send a get well soon to Drone-9099.

XRAN I heard he got the Robert Downey jr. suite.

MOXARGON Ooh, nice. But let's get to work. First issue. The media of the American Empire is all up in arms over what they are calling 'domestic wiretapping.'

XRAN Although I'm sure it's necessary, I can understand how some Earthlings will object to wires being tapped into their heads in order for the government to read their thoughts. It's a painful procedure, and the side affects do include headache, nausea, and explosive diarrhea.

VAROS I can see their point. The last thing you want your domestic slaves to have is explosive diarrhea. It kind of defeats the point of having someone to clean up the torture chambers.

ANDROID CAI/7 Actually I think you are misinterpreting the issue at hand. I have been carefully studying their communications and it does not involve brain surgery at all.

MOXARGON Then what are they talking about?

ANDROID CAI/7 Bush, the OverLord of the American Empire, is apparently accessing the communications of terrorists who are plotting the overthrow of his kingdom. On Earth it is called 'wiretapping.'

VAROS Wait a minute. Why in the name of the seven nipple of Grox are they upset about this?

MOXARGON Yes, you'd think the Earthling media would praise accessing or 'tapping' an enemy's communications. However, that would be logical, and logic often has very little to do with the behaviour of the Earthling media.

ANDROID CAI/7 Apparently they are upset because these enemy terrorists are in communication with American citizens.

XRAN What's the big deal?

ANDROID CAI/7 The big deal is that the American Imperial Government does not normally monitor the communications of its citizens.

MOXARGON Now you're talking crazy. What kind of imperialist conqueror doesn't listen in on the communications of their citizens?

VAROS Yeah. I can't sleep until I check out the communications of my more colorful subjects. It can be quite entertaining, like a soap opera.

XRAN The crews on my pirate ships can't fart without me knowing about it.

MOXARGON Xran, you can't fart without the whole galaxy knowing about it. What are you going to tell us next Android Cai/7, that they don't have spy cameras monitoring every home?

ANDROID CAI/7 They don't.

MOXARGON Let's move onto the next topic. The Canadian Dominion had an election and voted in a new Conservative government. Does this signal a shift to the right for Canada.

VAROS I checked and there appears to be no noticable continental drift affecting Canada.

MOXARGON Next topic. The Republic of France has announced that they will use nuclear weapons against states that sponsor terrorism against them. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7 Nuclear weapons are an efficient form of genocide. I think it is a logical choice.

XRAN Nukes are so impersonal. Where's the deep spiritual connection you get when slide your daktarian skin-reaver into an enemy's stomach? Who's going to learn the lesson that only a head mounted on a pike covered with entrails when everyone's dead? I think it stinks.

VAROS Personally, I don't think the Frenchies have the stones to use a nuclear weapon. At least not on white people.

MOXARGON And then there's the question of what if the terrorists are homegrown? What are they going to do, nuke their own suburbs? Next topic. The radical Islamist terrorist group Hamas has won control of the Palestinian government in a democratic election. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7 It is most logical to allow a new party a chance to steal all the aid money they have been getting from the west.

XRAN I'm not sure how this is going to affect the peace process. Wait a minute, what peace process?

VAROS I think it's nice to see a people not only accept their inevitable annihilation but to embrace it. If they react like this over a conflict with a little country like Israel, how will they react when someone like us arrives?

MOXARGON Probably not very well at all. How will this affect the uncertainty over leadership of Israel?

XRAN Boy, I really shouldn't have planted that brain worm in Ariel Sharon's head. That's my bad.

ANDROID CAI/7 Something doesn't compute. A third of Israel's population have the same ethnicity and religion as the Palestinians, yet they live in peace and relative prosperity among the Israelis. Why do the majority of Palestinians choose to live in oppression and squalor when they could have made peace decades ago?

VAROS I guess some folks would rather be miserable than admit they screwed the skeddledrakk.

MOXARGON Good point Varos. Well, that's all for tonight. We hope to see you soon, you Earthlings better hope we never come. Goodnight and keep watching the skies.

Predictions 2006!

MOXARGON: Greetings puny Earthlings. I understand that it’s the time when you change your calendars and usher in the year 2006. So, since you people love to know what the future holds for you, we’ve called in Koos-Koos, the Supreme Cranium of the Ferret Stranglers of Vocaflax VIII. He actually has the power to cut through the mists of time and see future events. Welcome Koos-Koos.

KOOS-KOOS: It’s good to be here Remulak. By the way, you better have a doctor look at that lump on your neck.

REMULAK: There’s no lump on my neck?

KOOS-KOOS: Not today.

REMULAK: Why don’t we talk about the Earthlings, because talking about me is kind of creepy?

KOOS-KOOS: Sure.

REMULAK: What does the future hold in 2006 for President George W. Bush?

KOOS-KOOS: This will be a year of great triumphs for Imperial OverLord Bush. His crushing of the Islam-fascist-terrorist insurgency will continue with increased energy and success. The American Imperial economy will enjoy great growth, low unemployment, and an improved environment. None of this will get any media attention though. The mainstream press will be giving twenty-four/seven coverage of a possible rumor leaked by a CIA Agent that Karl Rove once gave the finger to someone who cut him off in traffic.

REMULAK: Interesting. What about OverLord Bush’s opposition in his empire, the Democrats?

KOOS-KOOS: Aside from demanding a special prosecutor to investigate what the media will dub ‘Finger-Gate,’ the Democrats will continue their strategy of supporting everyone opposed to real democracy while opposing and subverting all attempts to protect and promote democracy. This will lead to an increase in the Republican majority in the 2006 elections.

REMULAK: How will Howard Dean take it?

KOOS-KOOS: Not well. During a press conference he will call every single person in America who voted for the Republicans: “a pack of Bible thumping rat-suckling retards.” This will cause Democratic support to plunge everywhere except among Hollywood Celebrities and eccentric billionaire financiers. Howard Dean will then be named as co-anchor with Katie Couric of the CBS Evening News. The network’s news ratings will plunge lower than a digital channel that only show subtitled Albanian movies about suicidal depression among goats.

REMULAK: What about Hollywood? What’s in store from tinsel-town in 2006?

KOOS-KOOS: The box-office slide will continue. Hollywood will attempt to reconnect with the American people by releasing the religious epic Sermon on the Brokeback Mount. A $200 million musical starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall who play two gay apostles who fall in love and go on a mad-cap song-filled car chase across 1st Century Judea, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by a vengeful Jesus played by Ben Affleck. It will lose immense amounts of money, but will sweep the Oscars. Director Michael Bay will bring up this dichotomy during his acceptance speech when he holds up his trophy and says: "This proves that Hollywood knows more about religion than a hundred of those Popes in Jerusalem!" He will then announce that his next film will be about the life of Prophet Mohammed. His murder in December 2006 by car-bomb will never solved though the studio will make a film about it putting the blame on German Neo-Nazis.

REMULAK: Interesting. How about Hollywood’s first film about the 9/11 attack that’s to be directed by Oliver Stone?

KOOS-KOOS: First the characters of Mohammed Atta’s terrorist team will be changed from a group of mostly Saudi Islamic Fundamentalists to a group of German Neo-Nazis secretly run by Dick Cheney, the Mormon Church and the CIA. These changes will be made to avoid offending Muslims to whom denial is much more than a simple river in Egypt. Terrorism will also be a key theme of Stephen Spielberg's next film Beslan. It's a subtle and nuanced view of the massacre of schoolchildren by Chechen Islamists, where Spielbirg explains how the whole ordeal was really the children's fault. Of course to avoid offending anyone the Chechen terrorists will be changed to German Neo-Nazis secretly working for Halliburton.

REMULAK: Very interesting. Any final words for the people of Earth?

KOOS-KOOS: Just one: DUCK! You’ll know when it happens.

REMULAK: Thank you for coming.

Point/Counterpoint Mailbag

TEKTAK: Greetings Earthlings. It's been a while, but Snotglob and I are back and today we're dipping into our mailbag to answer questions from Earthlings.

SNOTGLOB: That's right. We're answering your letters in order to help you primitive creatures.

TEKTAK: Yeah... right... help... Let's get to the first letter.

Dear TekTak and Snotglob.

I'm a children's book author and Nobel Peace Prize nominee who made two bad decisions, minor things really, and now The Man is trying to snuff me out.

The state's planning to kill me on Tuesday the 13th. Which I think is bad luck, and my celebrity friends are no help at all. How can I get out of this short of actually taking responsibility for my actions?

If you can bust me out, I'll give you cash.

Sincerely -Tookie Williams. Sad in San Quentin.

SNOTGLOB: That's horrible. It's wrong for those barbaric Americans to sentence a man to death for a couple of mistakes.

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! He killed four people with a shotgun, and while in prison he tried to have more people killed. Sure he wrote a few kid's books, but he still killed people.

SNOTGLOB: He's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

TEKTAK: I could get Remulak MoxArgon nominated for a Nobel Prize. It doesn't mean he deserves it, and trust me, MoxArgon doesn't deserve it!

SNOTGLOB: What about his celebrity friends. Surely someone who hangs out with famous people can't be evil?

TEKTAK: You've been huffing hairspray again, haven't you?

SNOTGLOB: My personal life is none of your concern. Don't worry Tookie. I'm coming to save you!

TEKTAK: Yes, at maximum hyperdrive you should arrive at Earth on Thursday the 15th. That should be just about right.

SNOTGLOB: Oh, yeah. Sorry Tookie. Maybe you can get Mike Farrell and Snoop Dogg to blast you out of the can. I'm afraid there are just too many light years between us.

TEKTAK: And to all Earthlings reading this. If you want to avoid Tookie's fate, remember these simple words: DON'T COMMIT MURDER! Earthling governments frown on it. Next letter.

Dear TekTak and Snotglob:

I'm the leader of what used to be the number one country to live in on Earth. Sadly my government has fallen due to widespread corruption, incompetence, arrogance, stupidity, more corruption, and a touch more idiocy.

My opponent announced a plan to give money to families to put towards child care. One of my aides stated that parents will only blow the money on 'beer and popcorn.' Although I won't publicly admit it, I know deep in my heart that he's right.

I lead the Liberal Party of Canada, and our core belief is that we know how to handle other people's money better than they do. Money doesn't belong in the hands of Canadian taxpayers, it's supposed to be doled out by us to our friends and cronies.

I'm also worried about Paul Desmarais's daughter dating a Tory deputy leader Peter MacKay. He's practically crowned every PM for the past 30 years. Seeing him with a potential Tory son-in-law is a baaaaad omen.What should I do?

-Sincerely Rt. Hon. Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada.

SNOTGLOB: Have you considered inviting your opponents over for dinner, and then have your imperial guards jump them and implant Thygorian Brain Worms in their head.

TEKTAK: You really don't do your reasearch. That plan won't work on Stephen Harper because he's a robot, and it won't work on Jack Layton, because the worms need a brain to work with. Let's call it a night. I need a recharge and a stiff drink.