They're COMING!

My lovable alien colleagues are coming to Earth for their annual Halloween trip.

Their intentions are to plunder candy, scare children, annoy adults, and Remulak is insisting on meeting Fox Business Hollywood pundit Govindini Murty.

Now let's look back at past attempts to meet Earth women he likes...

Michelle Malkin- shot him in the shoulder.

Mary Katherine Ham- maced him. And I'm not talking about pepper spray, I'm talking medieval weaponry.

Remulak doesn't have good luck when it comes to pitching woo. He thinks he's a romantic, I think he's just a glutton for punishment.

And I hope that Xran doesn't make himself sick from eating candy again.

It took me a week to get the smell out of my 96 Corolla.

So if you see certain aliens around this Halloween, just give them candy and get out their way.


Gotta run. Their ship will be landing any minute.

God help the planet Earth.

The Leftist Mind: Long Term Thinking....

Greeting puny Earthlings.

While packing for our annual Halloween trip to Earth I started thinking about why the political left cannot be trusted in a time of war.

Now you're probably going to say something about how treacherous, untrustworthy, and ruthless they are when it comes to their own power, but I realized something else about them.

They have no sense of long-term thinking.

They are so wrapped in trying to grab power they give no consideration to the possible consequences of their actions. It's become even worse in this age of the political sound-byte.

They should, but they don't.

Take for example the California wildfires.

There used to be a program to have controlled fires on dry years so the underbrush could be cleared in order to prevent uncontrolled fires from reaching inhabited areas.

But that program was stopped.

Why?

Because various lefty-environmentalist groups thought these controlled burns annoyed some animals, and had to be stopped.

They didn't think that they lived in an arid desert that is hit annually by the hot dry Santa Anna winds.

They didn't think that uncontrolled growth caused by wet years would become a fire-trap in a dry year.

They didn't think about how a dry year, dry underbrush, the Santa Anna winds and a dingus with a book of matches would combine to unleash horrendous destruction on the habitats they claim to defend.

They still don't.

Instead they're busy trying to score political points by blaming the fires on Global Warming, the Iraq War, or that George W. Bush won't replace the Marine Corps with Code Pink to think about the real cause of the fire.

Now you see how they would handle the War on Terror.

They would pull out of Iraq, return Afghanistan to the Taliban, end all counter-terror operations, open up Gitmo, declare peace in their time and then wonder why all those buildings are getting blown up.

They don't realize that an absence of a declared war is not peace, or that the quickest way to end a war is to lose it.

They can't even see how their grandstanding and manufacturing of scandals will turn around and bite them on the ass.

Imagine Hillary Clinton winning the Presidency. And once you get past the rivers of fire, the bleeding moon, and the Four Horsemen riding through Times Square, she will begin reaping what she has sown.

After years of Democrats obstructing judicial and cabinet nominees, the Republicans will strike back with a vengeance. They will filibuster every nominee from the Supreme Court to White House assistant janitor, and talk radio and blogs will cheer them on.

And you couldn't imagine the hell unleashed when she tries to replace the US Attorneys. The media will try to downplay it as traditional when administration's change, but the alternative media will raise the scandal banner and wave it for the whole world to see.

Democrats made it scandalous, and turnabout is fair play.

And they better hope that there isn't a natural disaster during her term. If the National Guard, no doubt cut to the bone by the Democrats, doesn't respond before the local police, there will be hell to pay.

Democrats demanded that the Federal government take over the role of first responder over local authorities after Katrina. And if they don't respond first, then they their critics will scream scandal!

So remember, before you vote, think about the long term.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

The Coward's Way Out

Hi there all you scum-sucking rat bags of the stinking cess-pool that is the United States of Amerikkka.

It's me Ted Rall, newspaper editorial cartoonist for the Universal Press Syndicate.

And a lot of you fascist scum-suckers have taken a moment sniffing Dick Cheney's soiled underpants to complain about how my latest cartoon claims that the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq will make America smarter because it kills all the idiots.

Sure I ignore the fact that most US military personnel have higher than average levels of education, and go out to face a violent enemy that would butcher me without a thought, not out of stupidity but out of a love of country.

But isn't love of this fetid cess-pit of a nation stupid in itself.

Look at this situation:

I'm a cartoonist and I can't draw.

I couldn't tell a joke to save my life.

My political opinions are narrow minded, ignorant and professed in the most rude manner imaginable.

Yet here I am, a nationally syndicated, nay celebrated, cartoonist and political columnist.

What kind of a shit-heap country lets a talentless hack like me be successful.

That's why I shit on America's fighting men and women and their sacrifices.

That and I'm also a coward.

Come on, when was the last time a US soldier killed anyone over a cartoon?

Yet draw something that offends the Prophet Muhammed and you're most likely going to end up spending the rest of your life of the run, or lying on a street unable to decide whether to choke to death on my severed genitals, or bleed to death from the shrapnel wounds.

I'd rather keep my talentless ass in one piece.

Besides the newspapers pay me well to insult America and the people who defend it.

It doesn't cost me a thing.

XRAN XPLAINS- ARMENIAN GENOCIDE RESOLUTION

Now the Senate Foreign Relations Committee recently passed a resolution about the Armenian Genocide of 1915-1917. This has sparked a very hostile wave of anti-Americanism in Turkey, a country that's been a western ally for over 50 years.

So allow me to explain.

This isTurkey

Back in the early 20th century it was the centre of the OTTOMAN EMPIRE

Between 1915-1917 the Ottoman Empire slaughtered approximately
1,000,000 ARMENIANS

ButTURKEY
is very touchy about people to bringing it up

REALLY TOUCHY

REALLY, REALLY TOUCHY

And consider anyone who brings it up
THEIR ENEMY

So why would the Democrats try to post a resolution about something that happened almost a century ago that could only succeed in turning an ally into an enemy?

2 REASONS

REASON #1

This is SEN. HILLARY CLINTON

She promoted the resolution

She's running for
PRESIDENT
of the
UNITED STATES

Her Presidential Campaign is run by
MARK PENN
Who also runs
BURSON-MARSTELLER
an international public relations firm

One of their biggest clients is the country of
ARMENIA
Who are looking for a way to stick it to old enemy
TURKEY

Even if it ruins relations between
TURKEY
& the
UNITED STATES

Which
HILLARY
doesn't mind
because she'll then blame it on
GEORGE W. BUSH
&
Use the trouble to raise
CAMPAIGN CASH
(from dubious sources)
To get
POWER OVER THE
UNITED STATES

REASON #2
This is
HOUSE SPEAKER
NANCY PELOSI

She hates
GEORGE W. BUSH

She wants to end the liberation of
IRAQ

An easy way to do that is to promote tensions
that could start
A WAR
BETWEEN
TURKEY
and
IRAQI KURDISTAN
knowing that it would drag in the
UNITED STATES

Because if that happens, she'll just blame it on
GEORGE W. BUSH

And the media will play along till
HILLARY
Becomes
PRESIDENT
of the
UNITED STATES

I hope that clears things up for you.

An Android Among the Stars #17: STRIKE!

Greetings organic meat sacs of Earth, it is time for me to wallow in the bottomless chum bucket you call your 'entertainment scene.'

1. The Writer's Guild of America has voted to go on strike. Nothing is expected to change in Hollywood since it hasn't used an original story in years.

2. George Clooney is reportedly running scared after his latest vanity project/leftist whine-fest Michael Clayton bombed at the box-office. He's reportedly busy rehearsing lines for his next job. Chief among them is "Do you want fries with that?"

3. Speaking of bombs, Reese Witherspoon's latest exercise in Oscar-Whoring, the future Al-Qaida recruitment film Rendition sank faster than her last marriage. It was beaten at the box-office by the re-release of Tim Burton's A Nightmare Before Xmas. When asked audience members said they considered the tale of creepy ghouls meeting Santa Claus more realistic.

4. Movie star enclave Malibu California is burning from a series of wild-fires. Some blame arson, others blame Global Warming, I suspect it was caused by the friction due to massive egos constantly rubbing together.

FINAL ITEM: Remulak has ordered me to post this picture of Fox Business News Hollywood analyst and Liberty Film Festival organizer Govindini Murty.Remulak has ordered that we visit Fox Business News headquarters during our annual Halloween expedition to Earth.

I asked him why and his only answer was "hubba-hubba."

Organics, so illogical.

END COMMUNICATION

I'm Not Crazy!

THE FOLLOWING IS A
PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT BY
REP. FORTNEY "PETE" STARK
(D-Mentia)

My fellow Americans.

Certain right-wing fascist thugs have jumped on my recent comments that soldiers are getting their 'heads blown off' solely for the president's amusement.

I stand by my declaration, and I would like to add that I am not crazy.

In fact, I'm the last sane man in Washington.

I can see things that the others, blinded by their madness cannot.

I can see George W. Bush, sprawled on his throne of Iraqi baby-skulls. cocaine caked on his nostrils, laughing at the deaths of American soldiers while vetoing health insurance for children whose families can afford health insurance!

I also Dick Cheney submerging himself in a vat of children's blood, using their bones for tub-toys!

And I see Condi Rice getting fitted for a snazzy new suit, hand tailored from the skins of American soldiers!

Then this foul trinity sneaks out, assuming the form of Bloody Marys, and savagely pummeling Randi Rhoades, laughing all the way!

I see it all!

These visions come to me in my morning bowl of Captain Crunch. The Captain also tells me that 9/11 was run by the Joos!

He has to be right, because the goblin that lives in my toilet agrees with him.

So you see, I'm not crazy!

I think I just made a messy in my pants.... where am I?

You're the one that's crazy for not seeing the obvious!

This Paid Political Announcement was brought to you by:

REALITY CHECK!: Democrats this is your party!

Rep. Pete Stark (D-California) showed that he is stark raving nuts by turning the usual grandstanding over the veto of the S-CHIP expansion into a rant about the war in Iraq, which Rep. Stark believes exists solely to have soldiers get their heads blown off to amuse the President.

Democrats, this is your party.

The Democratic Party has become the home of an especially childish brand of paranoia, greed for power, and slander. Anyone who thinks that the sole reason for the war in Iraq was some kind of presidential bloodlust shouldn't be in the House, but should be in a home. Preferably one with padded walls and regular doses of potent anti-psychotic drugs.

I don't see how anyone can see people like Stark and the party that lets him speak for them be anything but a disgrace.

AIR AMERICA'S MOST WANTED!

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM
AIR AMERICA RADIO

Liberal talk-radio show host Randi Rhoades was savagely assaulted by right wing thugs outside a bar in New York city.

This was obviously a blatant attempt by the brownshirt thugs of the crypto-fascist Chimpy Bush-Hitler administration to silence America's most powerful speaker of truth to power.

We cannot let such a grievous injustice, worse than a thousand Kristallnachts, escape justice.

We must fight back.

There may have been anywhere up to 14 thugs involved in this egregious assault on all of our freedoms. Thanks to witnesses we have an accurate description of the people responsible for the attack and generated this artist's conception of their appearance:

If you see anyone fitting this description, contact Air America or Media Matters immediately.

Thank you.

Ask The MoxArgon Group: Feeling Better Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Remulak MoxArgon here, I've recovered from my bout with Antaran Flu, but everyone still staying clear of me. Probably because when a Flokian gets the only disease that can affect him, it makes his very presence lethal to every other species in the Universe while giving the infected Flokian nothing more than the sniffles.

Vox Poplar was immunized by his blood/alcohol level, but he's at the organ mall today getting an extra liver implanted, and with the others too chicken to help, I have to answer all your questions alone.

First up is Damian G. and he asks:

Is it possible that She Who Must Not Be Named may be elected President of the United States?

Well Damian, anything is possible. Especially with some of the stupid habits picked up by some American voters. The only way she could win is if the majority of American voters all simultaneously get some sort of brain damage on Election Day.

Then will come an age of darkness and despair. Cities will burn, crops will turn to the dust, the time of weeping will begin and the grim specter of death will hang over the nation.

But I'm not going to get into any political name calling here, this is a classy blog.

Our next question is from RT who asks:

Why are people stupid?

The answer is simple.

Because they're Earthlings.

Your species thinks the opposable thumb is so wonderful while your brains aren't capable of forming coherent thoughts, or making people's underwear ride-up through psychokinetic powers.

I bet you feel stupid for asking that question, don't you?

Next question is from Sekhmet who asks:

Anyway, isn't it way too early to call an election that is over a year away? So why do people try?

That's because you live on a planet with too many 24/7 news channels and a standing ban on reporting anything positive about the Bush Administration or anything negative about a Democrat.

That leaves a lot of empty time they have to fill.

So they fill it with useless celebutard coverage, and roll out the over-paid, over-hyped, and over-fed pundits who look into their crystal balls and deny that all they see is their own reflection.

BTW- The election will end with a Giuliani/Thompson victory over Clinton/Richardson.

Take that to the bank.

Our next set of questions is from B.C., you know the comic strip about the cavemen... and he's got a lot of them. I'll try to answer one at a time.

Why do people have their poodles shaved to make them look like even bigger wusses than they already are?

Because people are always on the lookout for a new level of wussy. This also explains the success of John Edwards.

Why does nose & ear hair become thicker & longer as a person gets older? Are old people exposed to more dust, dirt and other environmental detritus than the rest of the human race?

Yes they are. That's because they are slowly turning to dust themselves. That process will change when we conquer your planer in 2067. After that the elderly will be collected and have all their nutrients extracted to fertilized my sixth wife's flower garden.

What do atheists yell when they're having an orgasm?

Nothing.

They don't have real orgasms.

That's God's little cruel joke on them.

Wouldn't it be easier for cats to just jump into water and get their baths over with, in once fell swoop, instead of licking themselves for 18 hours per day? (And getting hairballs in the process.)

Where's the fun in that?

Our next question is from Anonymous.

What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? (I know it isn't 42)

You're right.

It's 37.

Wyatt Earp asks:

Why do I suffer from anal bleeding after I watch a DNC campaign commercial?

That's because there's a loose spring in your couch. You should get that fixed.

JPM asks:

I've wondered about the existence of the human soul. I'm guessing Hillary just doesn't have one and George Soros has a Black Malignant one. Or do I have that backwards?

The human soul does exist.

Hillary had a soul, but sold it to Soros in exchange for power. Soros than ate it and promptly shat out $27 million in campaign money.

Soros' soul is currently in a jar on a shelf in my friend Xenu's house. Xenu's getting on in years and in his retirement takes in souls that have been rejected or mistreated by their rightful owner, sort of like a shelter. He calls that soul 'Binky.'

Another Anonymous asker, asks:

Why do some people think they own cats when if the cat were bigger than you they would happily eat you!

Look at my answer to RT's question.

If California is so great, why do I see so many California plates heading East on I-40?

Because California's been taken over by rampaging hordes of vacuous celebutards. There's only so much syphilis and stupidity people can take.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

The Not Very Nobel Prize

In case you've been living under a rock ex-politician turned enviro-hysteria profiteer Al Gore has been given the Nobel Peace Prize.

Now he joins such luminaries as Yassir Arafat, who won for signing a peace agreement he soon broke, activist Rigoberta Menchu who won for an autobiography her own family said was a pack of lies, Wangari Muta Maathai who believes HIV was created by 'Whitey' and Jimmy 'Joos Are Evil' Carter, as well as past nominees Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Benito Mussolini.

Well, since I've joined the MoxArgon Group, I've gained access to a lot of their technology, and I've figured out how to record future events.

Now it's not like I can tell you who will win the next World Series, it can only record totally improbably alternate futures. Like this transcript I've acquired of Al Gore's Nobel Acceptance speech where he has an attack of honesty.

Nobel committee members, and the people of the world. I would like to thank you for this once profound but now completely bastardized honor given to me because I am not George W. Bush.

Let's face it, that is the real reason I got this award.

It can't be for my 'charitable work' which is neither charitable and it only works to make me millions of dollars. I mean come-on, my little carbon indulgence scam is like a drunk driver tearing down a street who says it's okay because he tossed some money as he passed an AA meeting.

Nor can it be for my work for peace. In my time I've let genocide and slaughter run wild without lifting a finger until it became politically advantageous for the administration I worked for.

Nor could this award be for the life I lead. I live a life of luxury and excess, all paid for by 'non-profit' foundations and 'charities' where I tool around the world with my ever growing entourage in a fleet of toxin spewing SUVs and private jets.

Hell, I waste more electricity in my house than George Bush's ranch in Crawford consumes and he's the President of the most powerful country on Earth.

If I was a Republican I'd be regularly and publicly pilloried for my hypocrisy, profiteering and fear-mongering. Thankfully I'm a Democrat, and we don't get punished when we do wrong, we get the Nobel Prize.

This has put me in a bit of a quandary. This prize could help me win the Democratic nomination, and the fawning love of the American media could win me the Presidency, yet to run for President I would have to give up the millions of dollars I annually sucker from people stupid enough to think I can save the planet from the carbon bogeyman.

So I would like to conclude by thanking the Nobel Prize committee for allowing their political prejudices to blind them to the many factual errors and blatant political propagandizing that I engage in every day.

Thank you, you are all suckers.

NOW BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME!

FOR I AM YOUR GOD NOW!

Very illuminating.

PS: Rush Limbaugh is auctioning off the letter Democratic Senators signed to censor censure him for picking on poor phony soldier Jesse Macbeth and others of his ilk. You can bid for it here.

GEORGE W. BUSH HATES CHILDREN!

After the controversy over their last 'poster-child' for health care the Democrats have found a new spokes-kid, and they've paid chosen us to host his debut.

THE FOLLOWING
IS A
PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM

Presented by
TIMMY TERWILLIGER

(Age 10 & Concerned About Health Care)

Hi America.

I am an average American working class child, who has not been coached or prepared in any way and I'm here to tell you that George W. Bush hates children.

And he really hates sick and injured children.

You see, last year I got really badly hurt after my Dad's Escalade turned over while we were driving to our beach house. I was hurt really bad, and we didn't have any health insurance, so we got the government to pay for it with the CHIP program.

Now George W. Bush took that all away!

Well, actually he didn't take it all away. The CHIP program that paid for my health care is still in place. But Bush vetoed plans to expand it to cover even richer people, but the Democratic Party wants me to make you think that he canceled the whole thing.

The CHIP program is very important.

It gives my father the excuse he needs to avoid purchasing health insurance as a self-employed personal injury attorney.

Which is great, because if he had to actually pay for his own family's health insurance:

He'd have to give up his plans to buy a new sailboat this summer and wait until next fall, which will be too late to enjoy sailing season in the Hamptons. He will be a social pariah!

He'd have to wait until after the Super Bowl before he replaced our 50 inch plasma screen with a 72 inch plasma screen. The inhumanity!

My sister Buffy and I might be forced to leave our $20,000+ a year private school and have to attend a Public School, which might have non-white students in it. The horror!

So please come out and support the Democratic Party as they try to make you think that Bush canceled a children's health care program, which is mostly spent on childless adults, when all he did was veto the expansion of it to cover kids like this one.

Rich kids need health care paid for by your tax dollars too.




So remember, Vote Democrat, the billionaires who control the party really are looking out for your best interests.

Aren't they?

NEWS OF THE EARTH: INCOVENIENT TRUTH EDITION

Greetings fellow Earthlings.

Vox Poplar here, turns out I happen to be immune to Remulak's alien flu thing due to my chronic elevated blood alcohol level. So I can post without the risk of all the mucus that Remulak's producing. (And since you know the size of his head, you can imagine the size of his sinuses.)

Anyway... It's time for me to give you another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

DATELINE: ENGLAND: A British court has declared eleven fundamental falsehoods in Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth. Here's a summary (HT-Newsbusters)

1. The film claims that melting snows on Mount Kilimanjaro evidence global warming. The Government's expert was forced to concede that this is not correct.
2. The film suggests that evidence from ice cores proves that rising CO2 causes temperature increases over 650,000 years. The Court found that the film was misleading: over that period the rises in CO2 lagged behind the temperature rises by 800-2000 years.
3. The film uses emotive images of Hurricane Katrina and suggests that this has been caused by global warming. The Government's expert had to accept that it was "not possible" to attribute one-off events to global warming.
4. The film shows the drying up of Lake Chad and claims that this was caused by global warming. The Government's expert had to accept that this was not the case.
5. The film claims that a study showed that polar bears had drowned due to disappearing arctic ice. It turned out that Mr Gore had misread the study: in fact four polar bears drowned and this was because of a particularly violent storm.
6. The film threatens that global warming could stop the Gulf Stream throwing Europe into an ice age: the Claimant's evidence was that this was a scientific impossibility.
7. The film blames global warming for species losses including coral reef bleaching. The Government could not find any evidence to support this claim.
8. The film suggests that the Greenland ice covering could melt causing sea levels to rise dangerously. The evidence is that Greenland will not melt for millennia.
9. The film suggests that the Antarctic ice covering is melting, the evidence was that it is in fact increasing.
10. The film suggests that sea levels could rise by 7m causing the displacement of millions of people. In fact the evidence is that sea levels are expected to rise by about 40cm over the next hundred years and that there is no such threat of massive migration.
11. The film claims that rising sea levels has caused the evacuation of certain Pacific islands to New Zealand. The Government are unable to substantiate this and the Court observed that this appears to be a false claim.

Now there's a lot of talk about Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his 'do as I say/not as I do' campaign against the weather. But in order to cement his place alongside such moral luminaries as Yassir "Kill The Joos" Arafat or Jimmy "Blame the Joos" Carter, Gore will have to find some way to blame Climate Change on Israel.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON: Senator Hillary Clinton came out and declared that she was one of the founders of leftist smear group Media Matters for America. Now one may wonder why Hillary would want to take credit for creating a group that poses as a non-profit but is nothing more than a partisan slander squad...

Oh, yeah, she raised over $27 million from the Democratic Party's true base, leftist America hating billionaires, Chinese money launderers, and the people who love them.

That's all for now, if you have any questions that only the greatest minds in the Universe can answer CLICK HERE and leave a question. We'll be answering them next week.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

Greetings organic creatures of the planet Earth.

Android CAI-7 here to offer an apology on behalf of Remulak MoxArgon for the light posting. He has a bad case of the Antarian flu and the others are keeping their distance until he is no longer contagious.

Since we need to do something to keep you immature little meat-sacks entertained I was ordered to announce that we are going to hold another edition of ASK THE MOXARGON GROUP.

So here's your chance to derive wisdom from one of the greatest minds in the galaxy, and Remulak and the other group members will be there too...

*ZAP*

AAAAAGHH!

How did he hear that?

Anyway, leave your question in the pleas section.

END COMMUNICATION