SAD NEWS

I know a lot of you Earthlings have logged onto this site seeking the devastating wit and incisive political analysis that my fellow InterGalactic Overlords are known and loved for. However, there will be a brief pause to mark the passing of revolutionary science-fiction and fantasy publisher Jim Baen.

He was a maverick and a visionary, publishing a unique style of science-fiction and fantasy that rescued it from the ivory towers of pretentious pseudo-intellectual cliches and put it where it belongs, in the hands of the fans.

On behalf of all my colleagues here at the MoxArgon Group we would like to offer our sincere condolences and sympathy to his family, friends, and fans.

Although we were not lucky enough to know him personally, his work spoke volumes about the kind of man he was, and for that we will all miss him.

Rest in peace Jim Baen, you have been taken too early, but we know that you are in the better place you deserve.

A MoxArgon MailSac Special

Greetings puny Earthlings.

While filling for the vacationing TekTak F. Mechanoid at Point/Counterpoint, I received a very interesting message from someone, I assume some sort of primitive Earthling android, named Qwerty182764. In this message he asked some rather challenging questions of yours truly, and I've decided to share those questions and my answers with you, my humble Earthling fans.

Now let us suppose you attempt to invade us. You may have seen resistance on the order of what our militaries can furnish before (though I dare your landing craft to face the USAF unscathed).

Now Qwerty raises some interesting points, that I'd like to answer.

First: There ain't no suppose about the coming invasion and conquest of your world. It is coming, it is inevitable, and there won't be a damn good thing you and your puny USAF can do to stop it. I mean my hordes use nuclear weapons to clean their dishes, so it's not like you've got the firepower to take us on. Your subjugation may come today, it may come tomorrow, it might happen a hundred of your Earth years from now, I ain't gonna tell ya the date and ruin the surprise.

Where's the fun in that anyway?

However, qwerty has more to say:

Let me be a bit bold and use France as an example. France is an archetype of the political left. But if you'll go back a bit further, you'll find that throughout their checkered history, most of the fatal philosophies to afflict the west have come bubbling up out of the cauldron of their narcissism and discontent. Rational, sane, upwardly striving societies have come under the influence of their philosophes and promptly wasted themselves in war and violence. Some of the most intelligent people in the world in mindless subjugation. It has infected the most enlightened civilizations on earth in the form of socialist movements.

..surely you would be broadcasting back homeward tales of your exploits, along with history and artifacts of our culture. The messages that we send, the novelties that are here. We could send a little bit of France along with all of that.

Now how long do you suppose it will be before your empire is rendered stark raving mad? How long before the pleas from home to recall your warmongering fleet, to face trials for war crimes? How long before your weapons systems are recalled because they violate environmental safety procedures? How long before your closest advisors begin to turn on you, not because of perceptible lust for power, but "for your own good" because they feel guilty at your galaxy's success, aiding the envious masses in revolt?

Nominal or seeming intelligence has not spared people from them thus far. Only the most hard headed and practical people have been able to resist. (How large is Flokkia's middle class anyways?) So far, no culture has yet withstood their madness. Would we be cruel enough to unleash their mental virus on even you? ... ... yep.

Okee-dokey, let me get a few things clear.

France is a country full of whiny, narcissistic, cheese-eating, surrender-mad, pseudo-utopian, fascist fondling, vacation hogging imperial wannabes, who haven't had a leader with cojones since Napoleon, and he was a Corsican. They are not a mental virus. The Neurophages of Tyvorian 6 are a mental virus, the French are amateurs compared to them.

As for the people of my vast empire going all hog-nuts for peace under the influence of some sorry sack of wine-addled self-proclaimed intellectuals. The middle class of the Flokian Empire is vaster than your wildest imaginings, since a broad middle-class is the engine of any functioning economy, and they know all too well the dangers of such French style philosophies.

We are an ancient empire, and we went through all the crap Earth is going through millenia ago, we called it, The Age of Idiocy, and every little spawn in the empire is taught from birth to never let such ideological stupidity happen again.

In fact, Snotglob the mutant seems to be quite ... receptive (in addition to having a novel way of spreading his viewpoint). A risk you’re willing to take? Rousseau anyone?

Snotglob is an idiot, Snotglob was born an idiot, Snotglob will always be an idiot, and Snotglob will no doubt die an idiot and remain an idiot well into the afterlife. It's right up there with Earth's subjugation, and France's snooty backstabbing as one of the inveitabilities of the universe.

I hope I answered your questions, and remember to keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Point/Counterpoint: The New York Times & The Reasons For Treasons

MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings and welcome to Point/Counterpoint. Tektak is on his own well deserved vacation, so I'm sitting in for him today. And as usual representing the political left is Snotglob the Mutant. It's good to be here Snotglob.

SNOTGLOB- Welcome to the show Remulak.

MOXARGON- Summer has quickly become the season for treason in the USA. Once again the venerable flagship of the elite MSM, the New York Times has published a story exposing the existence and practices of a covert counter-terrorism operation. Namely the tracking of international money transfers by terrorism suspects. I for one think it's terrible, and editor Bill Keller and the reporters responsible should be arrested, tried, and convicted of treason.

SNOTGLOB- That's horrible!

MOXARGON- Yes it is.

SNOTGLOB- Those noble people at the New York Times are heroes. They should be honored instead of prosecuted for trying to protect the public!

MOXARGON- Protect them from what? The US government wasn't reading innocent people's mail or listening in on their phone calls, they were looking into suspicious money transfers made by people involved in terrorism. It was a program that has already helped capture terrorists all over the world, and now that its existence is blown, it's useless. People are going to die because of the New York Times! Can't you see that?

SNOTGLOB- Look, I'm positive that the editorial staff of the New York Times has the best interests of Americans at heart and are not going to endanger the lives of people simply to curry favor with their core audience of upscale New York Democrats.

MOXARGON- They might not for just that, but when there's a chance to embarrass the Bush Administration by creating phony hysteria over a non-issue that can only help terrorists they'll be on it faster than Michael Moore on an all-you-can-eat buffet.

SNOTGLOB- I think you're just being cynical.

MOXARGON- And I think you're being an ignorant hermaphrodite slut!

SNOTGLOB- I was waiting for you to use that line.

MOXARGON- Tektak has it engraved into the desk here. Here's a question if you're such an expert on what people need to know, why is the mainstream media burying recently declassified reports showing that Saddam Hussein had over 500 artillery shells loaded with Sarin and Mustard Gas, while eagerly exposing info that could get Americans killed?

SNOTGLOB- The public doesn't need to know about the chemical weapons.

MOXARGON- Why?

SNOTGLOB- It's simple. It's all there to make it look like Bush didn't lie about WMDs when he's really been lying about them all along.

MOXARGON- Okay, now you're confusing me. Why does the discovery of real WMDs mean that Bush lied about their existence?

SNOTGLOB- The fascist neo-cons are going to use the existence of those chemical weapons as proof that Saddam Hussein had illegal chemical weapons, when he didn't.

MOXARGON- But they're sitting there in Iraq!

SNOTGLOB- Yeah, but Saddam didn't have them on him when he was captured. Those chemical weapons could be anyone's. They could even belong to those Zionists they're always talking about.

MOXARGON- Why would Zionists hide chemical weapons in a country run by a madman who wanted to kill them?

SNOTGLOB- No one would look for their weapons in that country.

MOXARGON- Are you getting dumber?

SNOTGLOB- I'm just following the trends of my Earthling brothers and sisters on the left.

MOXARGON- So you're going to start attacking the New Republic like that Kos guy?

SNOTGLOB- Of course, Kos says that they're a bunch of Lieberman-loving neo-cons, so they must be attacked.

MOXARGON- I thought Lieberman was supposed to be a great liberal and a stalwart of the Democratic Party. When did supporting him become a liberal thought-crime?

SNOTGLOB- He's not pure enough! He supports fighting terrorists! Everyone knows that a truly pure liberal, like Kos, must forsake all attempts at self-protection in order to destroy the monstrous fascist hegemony called America.

MOXARGON- So let me get this straight. Lieberman's now a pariah among his fellow liberal Democrats because he will not endorse the destruction of the powerful liberal democracy in the world?

SNOTGLOB- Exactly. That's why Al Gore won't endorse him. Sure, it was okay to have a potential Vice President who wanted to protect America in peacetime, but now that there's a war on, that's a no-no.

MOXARGON- By the twenty-three nipples of Threegle of Impaler, what kind of screwed up logic are you using?

SNOTGLOB- It's solid Earthling Liberal logic, the best in the galaxy.

MOXARGON- And how does Tektak make it through these sessions without punching you in the mandibles?

SNOTGLOB- He's got a bottle of Romulan Ale under the desk.

MOXARGON- Now that's the best idea I've heard all day. That's all for today, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Earthling Trivialities

Greetings puny Earthlings. I came back from my vacation to find out that the pubescent blogger Conservathink had 'tagged' me to reveal what 'sitcom character' I would like to be.

The answer to that is simple.

It can only be OverMind 13, the lead character of the classic trans-galactic sitcom "OverMind Knows Best" as played by the great Neuferrian comic actor Bogartoflox. He had a massive empire, a huge warfleet, a harem of hotties, and could do a pie-in-the-face gag that could really make you think.

So now you know.

Now Conservathinker says I should 'tag' 3 other bloggers or Glenn Reynolds will blend a puppy.

So what?

I happen to like the occassional puppy smoothie. Mix it with a kitten smoothie and you've got yourself a taste treat. I will send messages to Gammofrax of the Andromeda News Blog, Thogar of the Thogar Report, and interstellar lefty blogger Karkass Kissasstis of the Daily Ass from the planet Rectummah. You can't access these sites from your puny planet, but I'm sure their posts will be entertaining.

No away with you and your trivial Earthling blog games before I break out my probe-a-lyzer!

I have work to do!

Jim Baen Update by Remulak Moxargon

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I have returned from my vacation to hear that the word is most grave on the condition of publisher Jim Baen. Your InterGalactic OverLord commands you to keep him in your prayers and to support the genre he has dedicated his life to.

We at the MoxArgon Group want Jim Baen, his extended family, friends, and supporters that we are keeping you in our prayers.

Good luck to you all.

~Remulak MoxArgon.

Support Jim Baen! Your OverLords Command You!

A Personal Message from Remulak MoxArgon

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I was enjoying a good vacation soak in the sulphur baths of Twellio IV when it was brought to my attention that Earthling science-fiction-fantasy publisher/editor/all around great guy Jim Baen has been hospitalized after a stroke and is in the ICU. That news compelled me to send this personal transmission.

I've long been a fan of what you Earthlings call 'science-fiction' and I've been a particular admirer of the work Jim Baen has done over the years. I especially admire his willingness to give young up-&-coming writers a chance that the big corporate houses are too cowardly to touch.

So your Galactic OverLord commands you to follow the wishes of Jim Baen's nearest and dearest, and to forgo cards and flowers in place of prayers for a quick and complete recovery. Because it's people like Jim Baen is what makes your planet worthy of conquest.

So support not only his book publishing, but also his new web-based magazine Baen's Universe by clicking here:

alt="Baen Universe Link button" height="60" width="120" / />

Help save Science Fiction! Visit Baen's Universe!

We have a Weiner!

Hello puny Earthlings, TekTak here.

The other day I called for suggestions for what Bush should do with Zarqawi's head and we got quite a few ideas.

Stogie offered quite a few suggestions via the wonders of photoshop, an admirable effort, but not enough to save him from a life of slavery with his fellow Earthlings.

The Digital Fortress suggested two possibilities, one, a soccer ball for the World Cup. Not bad, but with the way the EUnuchs have been acting lately they'd probably cancel the World Cup and use the head to build a shrine. He also suggested using the head to build a decoy Zarqawi to attract and blow up terrorists, not a bad idea, but you can only do it once, so it's off to the slave pits for you.

Republidan suggests cloning Zarqawi, and then beating the clones to death. While amusing, Earthling cloning technology is a little too backward to pull it off.

SeanS suggests casting Zarqawi's head into a transparent bowling ball to give to the President as a gift. Not bad, just not good enough to save yourself from a life of slavery in the petroleum mines.

Toady FMRagtops will be put to light slavery work by suggesting having a taxidermist mount Zarqawi's head to a pig's body. It could then be put on public display where everyone can bask in Zarqawi's porcine glory.

However, the winner of this contest, whose life will be spared from an existence of back breaking labour is...

Anonymous, who suggested we convert Zarqawi's head into something resembling a Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish. But since we don't know who he is, nobody really wins.

See you later folks and keep watching the skies.

FACE 2 FACE

WITH TEKTAK F. MECHANOID

TEKTAK- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's Tektak here, still on vacation watch, and I've decided to do something new. I call it FACE 2 FACE WITH TEKTAK. That's where I interview someone that I've kidnapped invited from your planet. Joining me now is the purest specimen of a creature often discussed by bloggers, called the Moonbat. Welcome Moonbat.

MOONBAT- Sneep. Fascist android pig. Sneep. No blood for androids. Sneep.

TEKTAK- Typical for a moonbat to get it's facts wrong. I'm a cyborg, not an android.

MOONBAT- Sneep. Same difference. Sneep.

TEKTAK- There is a... ah, forget it. Let's move onto the first topic. A lot of your relatives are quite aghast at conservative columnist Anne Coulter for remarks made in her latest book about the "Jersey Girls," what do you think?

MOONBAT- Sneep. Anne Coulter is the devil! Sneep. Widows and parents of dead people are always right. Sneep. Their moral authority is absolute. Sneep.

TEKTAK- Really, so if these "Jersey Girls" went a different course after their husbands died on 9/11 they would still be correct?

MOONBAT- Sneep. Their moral authority is absolute. Sneep.

TEKTAK- Even if this new course happened to be... oh let's be hypothetical, a call for revenge genocide against all Muslims, would they still be correct?

MOONBAT- Sneep. Moonbat no like logic. Sneep. Makes Moonbat's brain hurt. Sneep.

TEKTAK- Okay, what do you think about Ward Churchill's statements that the late husbands of the Jersey Girls were "Little Eichmann's?" I mean isn't that worse than questioning the motives of people who use the deaths of loved ones for political advantage?

MOONBAT- Sneep. Ward Churchill right. Sneep. Jersey Girls right. Sneep. Anne Coulter wrong. Sneep.

TEKTAK- Do you think that Coulter made those statements knowing the loud outrage of your media friends would garner her book millions in free publicity? She does seem to know how to push your buttons, in fact she's made a career out of it.

MOONBAT- Sneep. HADITHA! Sneep. HADITHA! Sneep.

TEKTAK- Okay, let's talk about Haditha. What do you think of the new evidence coming to light that casts doubts on the earlier claims of an American atrocity?

MOONBAT- SNEEP! GITMO! SNEEP! GITMO! SNEEP!

TEKTAK- Now you want to talk about Guantanamo Bay? All right. It appears that the recent triple suicide was part of some grand plan to create pressure on the Americans to close the camp and free admitted terrorists and killers so they can kill again and again. How do you feel about being so obviously manipulated?

MOONBAT- SNEEP! NO BLOOD FOR OIL! SNEEP! NO BLOOD FOR OIL! SNEEP!

TEKTAK- Sheesh. We're not getting very far are we?

MOONBAT- SNEEP! NO BLOOD FOR OIL! SNEEP! NO BLOOD FOR OIL! SNEEP! WORSE THAN HITLER! SNEEP! WORSE THAN HITLER! SNEEP!

TEKTAK- You saw it here folks. The Moonbat is easily manipulated, dim-witted, and prone to repetitive insults and sloganeering. That's all for today, good night and keep watching the skies.

****

Don't forget to put in your idea for WHAT TO DO WITH ZARQAWI'S HEAD.

Isn't that interesting...

Greetings puny Earthlings, TekTak here still on holiday watch for the crew. Now there have been some reports coming out about the death of Abu Musab al Zarqawi, and since I have access to the most accurate snooping surveillance gear in the Known Universe I can provide the answers.

Was Abu Musab Al Zarqawi really beaten to death by American soldiers?

Nope.

Okay, he was still alive when they found him, but not for long and it wasn't at the hands of the Yankees.

You see after the blombing the Big Abu was still alive, but his internal organs resembled... hmmm...

... how can I describe it?

I know.

Take a sausage, put it in a blender with some ketchup, and set the blender to puree.

That'll give you an idea of what his innards looked like.

Although the prospect was tempting, the Yankee soldiers held back on dishing out a can of whoop-ass on him, because at the time, they weren't sure if it really was him, and if there's one things Americans like more than dishing out whuppins, it's dishing them out to the right person.

So they tried to identify him, but he was dead before the could confirm it.

Does that answer your question?

Next question.

Did they really find lingerie belonging to Zarqawi's wife in his hideout?

The answer to that is both yes and no.

Yes, they did find some leapord skin lingerie in the hideout.

But, and this is a big but... and I mean that in every way.

The lingerie was, shall we say, a tad big for Mrs. Zarqawi, but was a perfect fit for a certain someone whose name rhymes with Pabu Busab El Zark-Wowie.

Be sure to tell click here and tell us what you think we should do with Zarqawi's head.

See you later, keep watching the skies and all that jazz....

What to do with Zarqawi's Head?

Hi puny Earthlings, it's your favourite cyborg Tektak F. Mechanoid, filling in while everyone else takes a little break.

Now in our last Roundtable we held a brief discussion over what to do with the head of rapist, racist, murderer, terrorist, and beloved idol of the Islamic world Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. We discussed mounting it on a pike, bronzing it for a presidential paperweight, and other ideas. And since I'm minding the store all alone, I want to know what you puny Earthlings think the Americans should do with Zarqawi's head.

The person with the best use for the head will win a great prize, he won't be sent to slave away in the mucus mines.

So leave your entries in our comment box.

Zarqawi: SABOTAGE!

A MESSAGE FROM TEKTAK F. MECHANOID

Greetings puny Earthlings. Remulak's joined the others for a little off-time, so I'm going to fill in for the next while.

Allahpundit over at HOT AIR has put together this little tribute to the late and unlamented (at least by anyone with half a brain cell) Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.

Special Intergalactic Roundtable: Ding Dong the Son of a Bitch is Dead!

MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings. The MoxArgon Group was planning on taking a little break after hosting the Carnival of Comedy, but there's been some big news today, so we're having a special edition of Intergalactic Roundtable. Xran can't be with us today, he's on vacation at the sulphur baths of planet Drell, Varos is off working on his novel, and Android Cai/7 is having his annual reboot, so in their place we have our old friends from Point/Counterpoint, Snotglob and Tektak, and a special guest, Koos-Koos the Seer of the Future. Glad you guys could make it.

TEKTAK- It's my pleasure.

SNOTGLOB- Not a problem.

KOOS-KOOS- I knew this was going to happen six months ago.

MOXARGON- You could have warned me then.

KOOS-KOOS- Where would the fun be in that?

SNOTGLOB- Not to get off topic, but I didn't know Varos Quasar was working on a novel.

MOXARGON- He's been working on it for five Terran years.

SNOTGLOB- That's impressive.

TEKTAK- Not really, it's a John Grisham.

MOXARGON- BURN! Okay you guys, let's get to work. First topic: Abu-Musab Al Zarqawi is officially dead. Snuffed out by an American bomb that also took out several of his top aides. What do you think Tektak?

TEKTAK- Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

SNOTGLOB- It's so horrible that the terrible American Imperialist War Machine has to brutally murder a poor freedom-fighter just because he killed a few thousand innocent people.

KOOS-KOOS- I knew you were going to say that.

TEKTAK- We all did.

MOXARGON- Do you have anything to add Koos-Koos?

KOOS-KOOS- You owe me five dakmars for getting the time of Zarqawi's death right.

MOXARGON- Damn you and your oversized brain.

KOOS-KOOS- Now this is where Snotglob spouts out the latest moonbat conspiracy theories about Zarqawi.

SNOTGLOB- I will not. I'm not gonna do it, so there Mr. Smart-Head -Future-Seeing Guy!

KOOS-KOOS- Yes you will, you can't resist.

SNOTGLOB- Damn it! Zarqawi was a CIA plant! They've been keeping him alive for the past year to kill him now to distract attention from Haditha! It's all a conspiracy between Karl Rove, the Joos, and the Illuminati! Daily Kos says so!

MOXARGON- You're not exactly blowing up our skirts predicting the actions of Mr. Predictable there. He's as regular as the tides or my Aunt Gruna after she's had her Zod-Liver oil.

KOOS-KOOS- Kiss my spolldak, I'm not here to do tricks for you!

MOXARGON- I'll wrap this topic up by saying that it's a good thing that Zarqawi's dead. He was a rapist, murderer, and all-around tumor on the ass of humanity. Who's willing to bet how long it will be before the Left starts beatifying him like that other homophobic mass-murderer Che Guevera. That's just a hypothetical Koos-Koos.

KOOS-KOOS- Damn.

MOXARGON- Judging from the TV coverage, it looks like they've been able collect Zarqawi's head intact. What should they do with it?

TEKTAK- Nothing beats the classics, I say mount it on a pike in the Rose Garden.

SNOTGLOB- That's horrible. It should be turned over to his freedom loving comrades to be properly enshrined in some sort of monument.

MOXARGON- Sheesh Snotglob, have you been drinking printer ink again? You know what it does to you.

SNOTGLOB- That's none of your business.

KOOS-KOOS- The Americans are just going to bury it.

MOXARGON- Well I say they should try something new, and bronze the sucker. Bush can use it as a paperweight. Next topic. The left and the press have already started glorifying a young American Army Lieutenant named Ehren Watada.

(Tektak starts giggling)

TEKTAK- Sorry, but his name rhymes with a rude word in my native language. Go on.

MOXARGON- Seem Lt. Watada has refused to report for duty in Iraq, citing all the usual moonbat tripe like "Bush Lied" "Illegal War" and stuff like that. What do you think?

TEKTAK- Let's look at his story. Lt. Watada joined the Army Officer Candidate School after graduating from college after the war started. Plus his father Big Daddy Watada is a former anti-Vietnam war protestor turned Democratic Party big wheel in his home state of Hawaii. Is it just me, or does this guy's story just doesn't pass the smell test?

SNOTGLOB- It is just you! Watada is a true hero for refusing to go to Iraq and serve his country! I'm sure his motives are as pure and noble as such other liberal luminaries like Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and George Galloway!

TEKTAK- Who joins the freaking Army while it's in the middle of a war he claims to disagree with? It's like joining a soccer team, only to refuse to play claiming that you didn't know that you used a ball! Either this guy's mentally ill, or he's playing a nasty political game to boost his daddy's political stance at the expense of the troops that are supposed to be his brothers in arms. He's a deserter and he makes me want to puke!

MOXARGON- Quite a passionate reaction for a cyborg. But understandable. He's the worst kind of snivelling traitor and he deserves the maximum punishment under Earthling law. What will get Koos-Koos?

KOOS-KOOS- He'll do five years playing catcher for the Killer Queens in Leavenworth, then he'll get a book and movie deal for the Ehren Watada Story. Both will flop everywhere in America but San Fransisco, where he'll be elected mayor and oversee the most dramatic plunge in property values since the 1906 Earthquake. In 2024 he'll try to get the Democratic nomination for President, but will lose out to the cryogenically frozen head of Al Gore.

MOXARGON- That fate's too good for him. I think he should spend some time defusing I.E.Ds in Iraq. That should learn the little bastard. And that's all the time we have for now, so see you soon and until then, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

I don't know whether the weather will change...

Greeting Puny Earthlings. GOP & The City have started something fun that you can participate in. The producer of Al Gore's enviro-whorehorror film have set up an e-mail address where you can ask Al Gore Questions about global warming. Here are my questions:

MY BAD...

... An Apology from REMULAK MOXARGON

Greetings puny Earthlings. You are about to witness a rare event.

I am about to apologize for a mistake.

Normally when I screw up I have all the evidence destroyed and all witnesses executed, but I've had a few Tygollean Ales and that always has me making the nicey nice.

Apparently while preparing the Carnival of Comedy #57 I really screwed the skellnorb. One or more of my slaves lost an entry by the DIMMER SWITCH @ THE PLATYPUS SOCIETY. I don't know which slave blew it yet, the investigation is ongoing, and unlike the Earthling media I don't jump to conclusions before the questions have been asked.

So to the Dimmer Switch:

I'm sorry.

Click here to visit the post in question and do it often. In fact your InterGalactic OverLord Commands you to bloat up their visitor stats!

I shouldn't drink that Ale, it makes me feel all.... what's the word?

Moral?

Things are so much easier when I'm sober and sociopathic.

So that's what a backlash looks like...

A Personal Message From Varos Quasar

Greeting puny Earthlings, it's the handsome one from the MoxArgon Group, Varos Quasar. I figure you've probably already heard about the arrests made in the Dominion of Canada of a suspected terrorist cell.

Once again the greater Islamic community has been given a chance to distance themselves from the image of the Muslim as terrorist or terrorist sympathiser and once again, as we say back home, they pollanxed the fondargle.

Almost as soon as word came out about the arrests a self proclaimed spokesman (there are very few spokeswomen) for the greater Muslim community condemned the arrests as the product of unfair racial/religious profiling.

Okay.

Maybe it will take a mind more evolved than your own puny craniums to explain this, so I'll give it a shot.

Let me use a hypothetical situation to explain this.

Imagine that Scandinavian Lutherans engage in violent terrorist and genocidal acts around the world, killing tens of thousands each year, Scandinavian Lutheran Pastors call for the deaths or enslavement of all non-Scandinavian Lutherans from the pulpit.

Then imagine in this world the police, claiming to stop a terrorist plot, arrest a group of Hindu cricket players.

That would be a case of unfair racial/religious profiling, especially for the Hindu cricketers.

It is not unfair profiling to investigate a group of men who match the predominant demographic of violent terrorists when they purchase over 3 tons of highly explosive ammonium nitrate fertilizer.

What were they planning to do with the ammonium nitrate?

Start a massive farm in the middle of a city where the average lawn is slightly smaller than a postage stamp?

Sorry, I just can't accept that as unfair.

Today they held a big meeting with representatives of the Toronto Police and the RCMP, not to express their support for their supposed home country, or to thank the police for excising this tumour of terrorism from the bofy of their community, but to demand extra protection from of a backlash.

What's the nature of this backlash?

Some yahoo broke some windows at a mosque.

So far that's all that's happened.

That's not a backlash.

Let me tell you what a backlash really looks like.

As a child on the planet Poxado VII I was part of the Trigonian Empire. One day a Poxado citizen went cuckoo-ballistic and set off a bomb on the planet Trigonia Prime.

In reaction, the Trigonians came to Poxado VII, and killed 50% of the population by dumping them into vats of Numerian Skinnibbler beetles where they died a slow, agonizing and terrible death.

That's a backlash.

Broken windows are not a backlash. That's petty vandalism.

So far there hasn't been a violent backlash against the Muslim community in North America. Even after the horror of the 9/11 massacre there was only a handful of isolated violent acts by people lacking the intelligence to orchestrate a proper backlash.

However, one might be on the horizon. Especially if the greater Islamic community doesn't do something to save itself, something it seems dead set against.

Refusing to expel or condemn people who engage in or support murder and terrorism is not helping you.

Constantly jumping to condemn others who do fight those among you who engage in or support murder and terrorism as racist or unfair is not helping you.

So to save your own bacon collective hide you must stop rising to defend terrorism and terrorists in the name of tolerance out of some sort of misguided sense of nationalistic brotherhood, because the tolerance of others can only go so far.

And then you will see what a real backlash looks like.

And that would be a horrible tragedy for all involved.

CARNIVAL OF COMEDY #57!

SPECIAL CONQUEST OF EARTH EDITION!

Greetings puny Earthlings, it's your inevitable Lord & Master Remulak MoxArgon, here to dish out the best, the pretty good, the mediocre, and the weakest in teh funny before my alien hordes sweep down and enslave your world like so many others before.

I must warn you, many on Flokia Prime consider me the Simon Cowell of comedy, so get ready for some merciless classic bitchiness on those who displease me!

Now let's get to business!

First a little shameless self-promotion!

Why?

Because I rule most of the Universe and can do whatever the heck I want with no skin of my narmboks.

COURT JESTERS

These Earthlings will be spared the hardships of the conquest of Earth and brought to my court to amuse me and my underlings with their wacky almost Carrot-Top-esque take on modern life.

FMRagtops has earned a space as Court Jester, not only for his high quality sycophancy, but also his ability to deliver teh funny not only on his own site, but also at Blogs for House!

Vox Poplar will also be spared, not only for material like Give Surrender A Chance, but because Xran thinks we owe him after the whole brain-worm-anal-probe fiasco.

Tommy at Striving for Average proves he's A Fighter. That should spare his puny Earthling hide.

Blogger and Stridex enthusiast Damian G. shows that he has a good understanding of the Culture of Corruption, and that might prove useful when I conquer your puny planet.

Fitch will also be brought to amuse me and my minions as long as he delivers material like this! But if he screws up once, he'll find out how empty my threats can be. Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

David @ The Trouser Quandry Resolution delivers his own take on the mystery surrounding Welsh artist Dai Vinci. I do so enjoy those silly absurdist Brits. Too bad I will have to condemn most of them to eternal slavery.

Peace Moonbeam stumbles onto an Inconvenient Truth & it's not the one about Earth's inevitable conquest by aliens.

ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE SLAVES!

These Earthlings are worthy of providing some figurative sunshine into the dreary lives of their fellow slaves, real sunshine being strictly rationed. Benefits of this position include an extra bowl of gruel provided monthly and only half the daily stun-rod beatings of regular slaves.

Either Orr will be spared the worst of it for delivering some chuckles with this piece. What can I say, I just can't resist references to 80s alternative music.

Don Surber's contribution was more tragic than funny, but heh, folks still watch Saturday Night Live, so the slaves might like it.

Morgnet will entertain his fellow petroleum miners with his wacky take on those pesky earthquakes.

I also decided that Blue Squares can spend their time teaching their fellow slaves about Unwarranted Generalizations.

Canajun Finances won't be getting as many stun-rod beatings for delivering what the peasants like BLOWING STUFF UP.

Jon Swift will also be touring his Conservative Rock & Roll show, cause those kids love that rock and roll music.

Wild Bill will entertain the serfs with the ongoing adventures of MOONBATS IN SPACE!

SLAVES FOR THE MUCUS MINES

These folks weren't all that funny in my opinion, and since I'm the one with the intergalactic battlefleet, I'm right. But their lives will be spared to provide slave labour in the mucus mines of Flovax IV.

Jack Be Nimble, too much information, too few laughs.

Jeremiah Beck, likely story Mr. PeePee Pants.

Miriam this post might be funny for librarians, but I'm an intergalactic conqueror, not a librarian, this one's true, but not that funny, and this one isn't a bad idea, it's just not all that funny, besides, when I'm through the entire planet's going to be a tad underpopulated.

Jerry Dante... hmmm.... so this Dead Air Dave's supposed to be funny? Okay, but you're post isn't. NSFW for brazen use of the word testicle.

Me-Ander, Erma Bombeck called and wants her schtick back.

FOOD FOR THE JAGOFARTAGAN OF BUTRYL XIII

These folks not only failed to deliver the funny. They just got on my nerves and for that offense they will be taken to the planet of Butryl XIII and fed to this critter.

They sure are cute when they're little.

Sinkmyship, isn't just not funny, it's not even comedy, it's some sort of commercial for some online game. I don't do commercials unless I get paid the big bucks. So until you pony up the platinum, you're off to become dinner.

Someone Else's post led to someone else's material, is that ironic, because it's not good comedy?

Renee's Small Dogs post about sticky paw prints was just so damn cutesy it made me produce something sticky. It's as cute as a sack full of puppies, just before they go into the deep fryer. This is the CARNIVAL OF COMEDY, not the CARNIVAL OF CUTE.

Oy gevalt.

Well, thanks to The Conservative Cat, Spacemonkey, and the other lovely and fragrant folks at IMAO for letting me host this event, their consistent delivery of teh funny will earn them a place, and possibly a sitcom deal, when I finally get around to crushing your puny planet.

Jerry Dante's hosting next week, and then the duties will pass to FIAR.

So until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and you better be funny.

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