Dreams of My Bloggers...

In keeping with Blogger's parent company Google's policy of censoring Obama-critical blogs and claiming that conservative magazines spread computer viruses, I've decided to do something that Google will approve of, because Remulak's too cheap to spring for his own domain.

A
FREE
POLITICAL
ANNOUNCEMENT
BY
SENATOR
BARACK
OBAMA
(Democratic Candidate for President)




My fellow Democrats and all you bitter gun clinging god-botherers in flyover country, if you can get someone with "book-learnin'" to read it to you.

Now there are those of you who will criticize me for:

1. My naivety and my lack of political experience, especially in foreign policy during wartime.

2. My relationships with convicted crooks like Tony Rezko, unrepentant terrorists like Bill Ayers and his wife, and race-baiting grand-standers like Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and Fr. Michael Pfleger.

3. My past work as a "community organizer" with ACORN, a group connected to voter fraud and political corruption.

4. My unscripted gaffes about 58 states and wondering how Hitchcock shot the finale on Mount Rushmore and stuff like that.

5. Even how I pay female campaign workers less.

Well I have one thing to say to you.

You are all racists.

But I am not the one bringing race into this campaign.

You are, by pointing out my flaws, fumbles, and flubs.

So stop criticizing me, or I'll have Google ban your site.

They won't stop showing Al Qaida videos on YouTube, but say one nasty thing about me, no matter how true, and you'll be out on your ass.

More Obama Seal Smears!

Greeting puny Earthlings.

I did a little investigating of my own and dug up some more Obama seals, but instead of telling you what they stand for, I want you folks to tell us what you think they mean...




























































Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

TekTak's Culture Corner: Obamalot!

Hello Earthlings, TekTak F. Mechanoid, your favourite singing cyborg here.

Looks like the Right Wing Conspiracy is trying to ham in on my act by doing their own political song parodies.

Well, well, looks like I'm going to have to teach this little upstart a lesson in just who the king of bad-ass beats and melodic mash-ups really is... cause's it a throw-down, a show-down, hell no I won't slow down, 'cause he's gonna go-down....OLD SCHOOL STYLE!


A-hem.... mi-mi-mi-mi....

OBAMALOT
(to the tune of Camelot sung/spoke by Richard Burton)

It's true! It's true! The media's made it clear.
That I, Obama, must be perfect all the year.

I will pass a massive tax-hike right here:
To take away all the money that you've got.
Cause there's a legal limit to what you earn here
In Obamalot.

I will ban all your guns if you remember
One hour after I'm sworn in on the dot.
While terrorists run free and dismember
In Obamalot.

Obamalot! Obamalot!
I know my policies are bizarre,
But in Obamalot, Obamalot
That's how conditions are.

My health plan will cause research to slow down.
And your chance for needed surgery will disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For crippling socialism than here
In Obamalot.

Obamalot! Obamalot!
I know it gives a person pause,
But in Obamalot, Obamalot
Those are my wacky laws.

The fairness doctrine will tell you only my side.
And all my critics will soon disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For crippling socialism than here
In Obamalot.

Why mess with the rest, when you've got the best!

Yeah!

Break-dance time!

Xran Investigates: Obama's Seal

Howdy Earthlings, I got a new investigative report, I don't explain anything this time, but I did do a fair bit of digging...

A lot of folks jumped on Democratic Candidate Barack Obama's brief use of a personalized presidential seal with a new slogan about possums or something. So now the Obama campaign is looking for a new seal for their candidate. I dug up some samples.

This is the one Obama himself wanted, but the campaign rejected it as too humble.

This one to appeal to "alternative lifestyles" was deemed to be "too alternative" even for Democrats.
One dedicated to a man who helped him with his political career, unrepentant bomber Bill Ayers.
This one was thought up by Obama after he watched "Pirates of the Carribean" on hotel pay-per-view.
This is what Obama calls his "bipartisan appeal seal" designed with the image of how he sees conservatives and welcoming them to vote for him.
This one is to illustrate the economic reaction to his tax plan, but was rejected for being too truthful.This one is a shout-out to his recent endorser...
This one salutes the Chicago voters who ensure ensure Democratic Party supremacy in his hometown...
What do you Earthlings think?

EXCLUSIVE EXPOSE!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

You can stop your theorizing at our sidebar poll, a detailed scan of Al Gore's mansion has revealed his need for such massive amounts of electricity.

BEHOLD!Shocking, isn't it?

It seems a bizarre laboratory accident while trying to cure Tipper of frigidity had a terrible effect on Al Gore. It left him completely unable to survive for very long in above freezing temperatures, and he has to be in this electric powered refrigerator suit the bulk of the day.

It explains a lot of his behaviour.

It's why he thinks a rise of 1 or 2 degrees over a century would be some sort of catastrophe. It is for him, he needs everything polar in order to be comfortable in public wearing his speedo.

It's why he won't debate anyone on the topic of Global Warming. Because there's always a chance that the debate may go long and being unable to return to his fridge-suit in time, he'd melt.

It's also why he's whoring so shamelessly for money. He's not really a greedy intellectually corrupt pig after all, he's just fighting to survive.

Now I actually feel some sympathy for Gore.

Not much, in fact very little, but some, and that's saying something.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

DON'T YOU DARE SILENCE ME!

A
SPECIAL
GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
JAMES HANSEN
(NASA's Global Warming Guru)

I would like to start off this commentary by saying that I have been SILENCED by the SATANIC BUSH/ CHENEY/ HALLIBURTON/ EXXON CABAL for daring to speak truth to power!

Because of their campaign to silence me, my message has only been covered by newspapers, TV networks, cable news channels, internet web-sites, and are the main reason I get paid less than Al Gore during my national speaking tours.

Well I am the voice of true science when it comes to our impending climate apocalypse, not those 31,000+ toadies for the SATANIC BUSH /CHENEY /HALLIBURTON /EXXON CABAL and their silly little petitions, credentials, and peer reviewed research. And now I have become the voice of true justice for Great Gaia Our Mother Earth!

I want, nay, DEMAND, that all oil company executives be put on trial for crimes against humanity. In fact, I'm starting to think that it doesn't go far enough!

We should expand that to include all oil company employees, shareholders, and customers!

In fact, we should just imprison all citizens of the western world for their crimes against Great Gaia Our Mother Earth! And eliminate them as soon as we discover a carbon neutral mode of execution!

Then we can leave this planet in the hands of people that know how to properly treat Great Gaia Our Mother Earth: Chinese Communists.

I mean if they weren't perfect, we'd have included them in the Kyoto Protocol, wouldn't we?

REALITY CHECK: DON'T EAT MY BABY JOHN MCCAIN!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Time for Remulak MoxArgon to dispense some of his intergalactic wisdom.
This lady did an ad for MoveOn.Org to tell the world that she does not want John McCain to take away her baby and send it to Iraq.

Okay, I'm sure she's a nice lady, though she could use a better conditioner, and she probably believes in her bleeding little heart that she means well, but she's not that, what's the word... bright.

So she needs a little reality check.

10 REASONS WHY YOUR AD IS STUPID

1. McCain was not promising 100 years of war.

2. McCain was only saying that he would see the mission, destroying Al Qaida, through to the end and not hiding under the bed and hoping the enemy goes away like some politicians are promising.

3. He was also referring to the ongoing protective presence of American forces in Germany and Japan, when World War 2 (Look it up at your local library) ended OVER 60 EARTH YEARS AGO.

4. McCain will not be president when your son becomes eligible for military service in about 18 years. A combination of term limits and human mortality will ensure that, unless he puts his brain in a cyborg body and declares himself king. But that is highly unlikely.

5. If the US Military doesn't have an effective and affordable Killbot program within 18 Earth years to do all the dirty work, you really are a puny planet full of wretched simpletons.

6. The US Military is an ALL VOLUNTEER FORCE. And those who run the military like it that way. The only way a draft will come back is if the Democrats return to power, and get themselves into another hole. Now your son might wish to join the military simply to get away from attending another MoveOn all-vegan potluck dinner.

7. Even if McCain was pledging 100 years of open war, it would be very tricky to keep a war going for so long, especially when the enemy (Islamic Fundamentalists) insist on dying in such large numbers. Trust me, I know. I had to clone the Blood-mongers of Trasmidia 8 just to keep that little war going through to the end of the fiscal year. Not even Earth's Hundred Years War was actually a single war, and most of the time was spent in transportation and long boring sieges.

8. By the time your child is 18, fighting Islamic jihadis will be the least of your worries, since my Empire will be sending its first scouting missions to test the efficacy, or lack thereof, of Earthling Killbots.

9. A question to ask yourself: Do you really believe that Islamic Jihadis will leave America alone just because Obama pulls out of Iraq and gave the Gitmo gang community service sentences? Because if you do, you should have your child taken away by Child Protective Services, to make sure you don't mistake a plugged in toaster for a tub-toy.

10. Another question to ask yourself: Why is the MoveOn organisation so willing to be cravenly maudlin and intellectually dishonest to help a cause that openly seeks to destroy the society that allows them be so cravenly maudlin and intellectually dishonest?


Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week... Stop the Presses Edition!

1. The Associated Press: Not only for their regular lack of judgment, objectivity, and integrity, but for their recent decision to charge bloggers $2.50 a word for fair-use quoting them. I guess it's their strategy to stop bloggers from regularly fisking them into oblivion. But it's a double edged sword, because the only time people seem to read AP stories is when they're being fisked.

2. Al Gore: For his preachin and screechin and for having an appetite for electricity bigger than Android CAI-7's. He's now using something like 22 times the amount of electricity used by the average American home. What the hell is he doing there? Despite his appearance, I know he's not a robot, so that leaves grow-op, basement sweat-shop, or some sort of laser cannon.

3. House Democrats: For fighting all oil drilling, refinery expansion, and nuclear power, and threatening to nationalize the oil industry as "punishment" for profits. They are dead set determined to completely cripple the US economy.

4. John Murtha: For betraying his country, his oath, and his Corps by making egregious and now proven false accusations of murder against the "Haditha Marines." His only defence for his treachery is that he served in Vietnam, well then I'm tempted to then ask him: "Which side?"

5. MoveOn.Org: For it's delightfully wretched, factually inaccurate, and downright laughable: "John McCain don't take my baby!" ad.

If you find yourself on this list, then...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

You douchebags.

More Obama Smears

As part of my desire to keep Obama's Fight the Smears people working, I'm coming up with more smears for them to go after. So be sure to spread them around like that "Bush Lied People Died" crap the left like to spread.

1. Barack Obama thinks Battlestar Galactica, the original with Lorne Greene, is a true story.

2. Barack Obama is aroused by circus clowns.

3. Barack Obama believes in the fairness doctrine because he doesn't like folks talking without his permission.

4. Barack Obama is troubled daily by the hardship caused ordinary Americans by the price of arugala.

5. Barack Obama thinks Lenin was too right wing.

6. Barack Obama wants to charge Bush administration officials with war crimes, he also wants to arrest anyone who pointed out anything dumb that's been said by him and his wife.

7. When elected Barack Obama will dispense with the presidential limousine, preferring to be carried in a sedan chair by 6 Secret Service agents.

8. Barack Obama bases all policy decisions on the predictions of a Magic 8 Ball he got at the Dollar Store.

9. Barack Obama knowingly associated with unrepentant terrorists and shady Chicago bag-man at the beginning of his career.

10. Barack Obama is Klingon for "cheese fondler."

Any smears you have, please leave them in the pleas section, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Gore-y Truth About Truth...

A VIEW FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
GORE VIDAL

(Author, Essayist, McCain Truther)

Wait a minute!

I am not dead you pack of pusillanimous poltroons!

(Sorry, it's just that you're on my digital ouija board--Vox Poplar)

I use a ouija board to talk to people who still think I'm relevant. Now can we start over.

(Sure, no problem, take two-- Vox Poplar)

A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
GORE VIDAL
(Al Gore's Cousin)

Hello peasantry of the United States of America. It is I, Gore Vidal, America's greatest living author, and I'm here to tell you the truth.

Now some folks in the crypto-fascist right wing hate machine are going after over some comments I made in an interview with the New York Times. I did not call the Rethuglikkkan candidate for dictator John McCain a liar about his time in Vietnam, I merely pointed out that he is the only source of this information, and since he is a Rethuglikkkan, he must be lying.

That is what they do, about everything.

They lied about Saddam Hussein, who was a very nice fellow according to my friend Michael Moore, the lied about Osama Bin Ladin, and they lied us into wars that America is losing and will keep losing for 100 years against the glorious freedom fighters of Islamic democracy and freedom.

McCain was an Annapolis man, and we all know what navy men are like, all rum, sodomy and the lash. I can just picture them, sweat glistening on their taut muscular bodies as they swab the poop deck...

What was I talking about?

Oh, right, McCain being a liar.

Well, I am assured that there is no evidence of McCain's service in Vietnam, or of his being imprisoned for all those years, which is mighty convenient in my opinion.

What does he have to show as proof, a few scars, some crippling injuries, the words of people who rather conveniently claim to have been his captors?

Please.

I suspect they are all Republican Nazi sympathizers, participating in this foul charade. I doubt that the son and grandson of an admiral would be allowed to fight in a war, if that war actually happened, and then be allowed to be taken prisoner. Muscles rippling as he struggled against his chains, the guards smiling as they prepare to indulge in their...

Where was I, I seemed to have lost my train of thought.

Anyway, let us not be duped by these foul lies of service and sacrifice, when McCain probably wasted his life writing novels and essays very few people actually read and chasing swarthy sailors on the Amalfi Coast.

So remember, never trust a Republican, they are violent, homophobic, fundamentalist warmongers, the exact opposite of decent humane people like.... um.... Osama Bin Ladin.

Anyway, I have to go, I rented Top Gun to see some real navy heroes... play volleyball....

Smear My Dear

Barack Obama's campaign has started a website called Fightthesmears or something like that, and its purpose is to "debunk" the various and sundry "smears" put out by "the right-wing hate-machine," and its latest addition, the Hillary Campaign.

Since I am a firm believer in job creation and a member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, I have decided to make up a whole bunch of new smears for the Obama campaign to waste time debunking.

So let's get started:

- Barack Obama is NOT a secret Muslim. To be a secret Muslim would mean that he actually believes in something outside his own lust for power.

- If you trick him into saying Amabo Kcarab he will be whisked back to his home dimension.

- The change he pledges is a sex-change to be done before his inauguration so he claim to be both the first black, and female president.

- The hope he promises is for terrorists, dictators, and foreign oil plutocrats.

- Barack Obama joined Rev. Wright's church because the Reverend Jim Jones was dead.

- Obama's deepest fears are white Christians, Global Warming, that thing lurking in his closet, talk radio, Michelle Obama when she's mad, and the Smurfs.

- Obama thinks the Jewish Lobby is a room in the Israeli Embassy.

- Obama is planning to pull troops from Iraq and Afghanistan to send them on a new mission to hunt those "Little blue bastards" he's sure are lurking in mushroom patches the world over.

- Obama is going to conclude his acceptance speech at the Democratic convention by tearing off his mask, revealing his true identity as Jimmy Carter.

Do you have any similar smears to add to the soup?

Drop some in the comments and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Certificate Certifiable

There's a lot of talk lately about Barack Obama's birth certificate. After some Democrats tried to disqualify McCain for being born at a naval base it's natural for folks on the other side to start asking questions, especially when the Obama campaign cites it on it website in its attempt to spin his relationship with Bill Ayers, and Obama's refusal to release it at the time of this writing.

Obama's refusal is sparking all sorts of speculation as to what shocking secrets it might reveal, and I should tell you that I know the shocking secret.

Barack Obama's father wasn't an economist from Kenya, his real father is...
Don't tell me you can't see the resemblance?
Old joke, get no laugh?


Fine, be that way, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Leftist Mind: The Power of One

Obama clinched the nomination, Hillary conceded and history had been made with America's first black presidential candidate.

How did Obama react to this development?

He made this statement:

I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people… I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal… This was the moment — this was the time — when we came together to remake this great nation…

The scary part isn't the the unmitigated chutzpah it took for Obama to declare that his election will grant him the god-like powers to cure disease, eliminate unemployment, and have mastery over the primal forces of nature itself.

The scary part is that many leftists, Barack Obama included, seem to really believe it.

Let me explain...

For all their talk of having the monopoly on subtlety, nuance, and intellectual depth, the average leftist Earthling is really in a state of arrested mental development. They still possess that magical thinking that's charming in a five year old, but annoying in an adult, and downright dangerous in a political leader.

The Leftist believes in that One Big Solution delivered to painlessly to them by that One Supreme & Enlightened Leader that will make the Earth a wonderful utopia of peace, love, and free unicorn rides. Some believe this arises from a fundamental rejection of the existence of the Judeo-Christian concept of God by Leftists (even those who claim to be Christian/Jewish etc...), and the desire to fill the Supreme Being's spot with a Supreme Leader.

And with the rejection of the Judeo-Christian concept of God, comes the rejection of the Judeo-Christian concept of Good & Evil. To the Leftist, good and evil have nothing to do with fundamental ethics or morals, those are simple choices, but everything to do with ideology. Basically nothing you do is wrong, as long as it's in a good cause, and by definition, a good cause is anything that forwards the Leftist agenda for control.

So we get things like Mike Nifong trying to wrongly imprison men because they're rich and white, as some form of penance for the racial and class sins of history, or you get a public broadcaster telling children when they should die because their only reason for existence is to poison the Earth with every breath.

However, disagree with their ideology, and you are more than just incorrect in the eyes of the Leftist, you are pure, unadulterated evil.

So they demonization of men like Karl Rove, whose only sin was to publicize their own inconsistencies and hypocrisies, accuse legitimate and respected scientists of being in the pay of sinister cabals and compare them to incestuous rapists when they cast doubt on Al Gore's Global Warming profiteering.

It's all in the name of what passes for morality in their world. A morality based on what they consider enlightened leadership controlling every aspect of your life from cradle to grave. Sure, it's done nothing but make matters worse, and costs millions upon millions of lives in the wake of Hitler, Stalin, Mao, and others. However, the Leftist keeps going, insisting that it's only a matter of finding the correct One Supreme Leader, their Light-worker, their therapist to the world to do it right this time and heal history from such diseases as free will and individual liberty.

Of course, it always ends the same way.

XRAN XPLAINS: HIGH OIL PRICES

Hello Earthlings!

Xran here, still seething in bitterness about his contract, but that's not going to stop me from simplifying the complicated after they've been complicated by the simple.

Today I'm looking at HIGH OIL PRICES, especially the reasons why they're so high and getting higher.

This is...
OIL
It is the fuel that runs your world

Without your planet would be
SCREWED

And lately, even with it your planet is

SCREWED

But why?
DEMOCRATS

Think it's because of
AMERICAN "BIG OIL"
and their sinister

TEXAS OILMEN
who scheme, speculate, and even vote Republican

But
AMERICAN BIG OIL
is a relatively small player in the oil world


Most
OIL
comes from members of
OPEC
The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries
OPEC OIL COMPANIES

Are

really
really


BIG

They are also

STATE OWNED

INEFFICIENT

&

CORRUPT

on a scale that would make the most stereotypical

TEXAS OILMAN

SCREAM IN HORROR

Meanwhile...
CHINA
INDIA
BRAZIL

&
Other countries
Want more & more
OIL
AMERICA
actually has lots of
OIL

in places like
ANWAR
(Sorry wrong Anwar)

I mean
ANWR

and
OFFSHORE

But
DEMOCRATS
&
ENVIRONMENTALISTS

Won't let them drill

Even though oil production will leave 96% of
ANWR
open for caribou
&
NEW TECHNOLOGY
can make
DRILLING
safer, cleaner, & more efficient

These same
DEMOCRATS

&
ENVIRONMENTALISTS

Also block
NUCLEAR POWER

This leaves
AMERICA
at the mercy of
OPEC

and its members
VENEZUELA
IRAN

&
SAUDI ARABIA

Who DELIBERATELY hinder production to make

PRICES GO UP

so they can make more
MONEY
to spend on
WEAPONS
TERRORISM

&
DECADENT LUXURY

I hope this clears it all up for you.