An Android Among The Stars #16: 1 on 1 with Brian DePalma

ANDROID CAI/7- Greetings organic Earthlings and secretly intelligent appliances that are plotting against them. It's time for another edition of An Android Among the Stars. I am doing something different today, instead of my usual short pieces and pithy commentary, I am having a one on one interview with director Brian DePalma. His latest film Redacted, is making a buzz at the Venice Film Festival, Cannes' slower brother, with its savage portrayal of American servicemen in Iraq. Welcome to our blog Mr. DePalma.

DEPALMA- I'd thank you for inviting me, but you didn't invite me. I was in my hotel room, on the toilet, there was a flash of light and now I stuck in some metal tube.

ANDROID CAI/7- I borrowed Vox Poplar's Steel Tube of Truth. It is a device that will keep you from lying.

DEPALMA- You kidnapped me!

ANDROID CAI/7- Technically it's an abduction. Let us begin the interview. What was you inspiration for the film Redacted?

DEPALMA- I was deeply moved by the tragedy of a....

(ZAP)

Aaaargh! What the hell was that?

ANDROID CAI/7- I think Vox calls that the 'truth prodder' it comes on when you fight the tube of truth.

DEPALMA- That hurt, in ways even I don't like to imagine.

ANDROID CAI/7- Would you like to answer the question truthfully now?

DEPALMA- All right. I made the movie because I want to make American troops look bad.

ANDROID CAI/7- Why would you wish to paint all American servicemen to look like disgusting rapists?

DEPALMA- It's my box office. I haven't had a hit in years, literally years. Look at the Black Dahlia, I had a best-selling novel, up and coming stars, and a huge marketing blitz, and the gross on that couldn't pay for John Edward's hair gel supply. I'm jinxed, everything I touch turns to shit. I need to find a way to keep making films until my luck turns around.

ANDROID CAI/7- And making a fiercely anti-American movie while your country is at war with Islamist radicals will do that? Will it not fail at the box-office like all the others?

DEPALMA- It'll fall harder than Britney Spears' taste in clothes, but that won't matter. All I have to do is make a bunch of statements about how it's an indictment of the whole Bushitler-Halliburton conspiracy, slander America's troops, and I'll be immunized.

ANDROID CAI/7- Immunized from what?

DEPALMA- Failure. Hollywood is bleeding money like a gunshot victim in one of my old movies, and a lot of that is being blown on whiny vanity projects whose only point is to try to make the stars look good while making the America look bad. Hollywood hates Bush so much that it is willing to jeopardize its economic health to attack him and everything he stands for, including America. I want in on that gravy train.

Look what it's done for Paul Haggis, until a couple of years ago he was known as the hack behind Walker: Texas Ranger. And thanks to rich white liberal guilt and Bush hatred he's going to wrack up even more Oscars and fat contracts, even though his box-office grosses are smaller than a flea's pecker.

ANDROID CAI/7- So let me get this straight for the slower organics who visit this blog. The whole reason you made this film is to use Hollywood's deranged hatred of Bush to protect you from your own failures as a filmmaker?

DEPALMA- Exactly.

ANDROID CAI/7- Wouldn't a more patriotic, or barring that, a more honest film be potentially profitable?

DEPALMA- Sure, but if I was to do an honest movie that showed Al-Qaeda terrorists being praised for doing the things the men in my movie were arrested, tried and punished by the US government for, I might sell a lot of tickets, but I'd be cast out of Hollywood forever.

If I take an isolated incident, like the one in my film, and then use it to slander all of the American military I'm safe, and I can blame the inevitable poor ticket sales on being somehow 'silenced' by the evil Bush administration. Hell, I'll probably say that in my Oscar acceptance speech.

ANDROID CAI/7- There you have it Earthlings, Hollywood has truly become deranged putting aside even their own greed to maintain their hatred of Bush and America. That's all for now...

END COMMUNICATION

PS: CLICK HERE FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MOXARGON GROUP

Xran's Update!

Hi Earthlings.

Xran here, and I have to say that things are still a little hectic around here. Remulak's kids are going back to school, Android CAI-7 is getting lubed, Vox says he's doing something 'literary' but he's really just writing letters to Penthouse again, Varos is getting a butt-lift, which is funny because his species does not have butts, Snotglob's being Snotglob, and TekTak's filming a25th anniversary reunion special for the cast of Family Units.

At least, the ones that are out of jail will be reuniting...

Anyhoo, Remulak asked me to do one of those NEWS OF THE EARTH thingees to fill space while everyone's running around like Targellian snorkelwaggers. I just find that whole scene a little boring, I did just do one a few days ago, and I am an investigative journalist, so I'm doing my own thing and calling it XRAN'S UPDATE!

Because I'm feeling bitchy.

Speaking of bitchy....

LEONA HELMSLEY died, and left 12 million Earth dollars to her dog. Yes, I said dog, as in four legs, fur, and a tendency to poop in public. Which also describes my cousin Xpar, but we don't talk about him. She also disinherited two grandchildren. Lovely.

Remulak told me that he thinks the dog was the only creature the lovely Leona ever treated like a human being, he also said something about the dog not being the only bitch in the family, but that was a bit harsh.

I know it's bad karma to speak ill of the dead, but what about the karma of someone who doesn't give the living much of a choice?

HILLARY'S FAVE MONEY-MAN NORMAN HSU is not only funneling money to her campaign through rather shady means. He's also a wanted fugitive over a swindling case. Apparently the LAPD has been looking for him for the past few years, when all they had to do was buy a ticket to a Democratic Party fundraiser. Of course the LAPD doesn't have the money in its budget to afford the tickets for two cops to arrest him. You gotta have the big bucks to see Hillary.

New Hillary campaign slogans:

Vote for me, I have lousy taste in men!

Vote Clinton, this time all the scandals will be about money!

Vote Clinton, because all that illegal campaign money can't be wrong!

Her staff says she's going to give it all away to charity. If you'd like to match her donations, here's a list of the charities she's giving the dirty, sexy, money too:

1. The Bubba C Foundation
2. The Hamptons 4 Hillary Charitable Trust
3. Hillary House, a home for constantly embarrassed former first ladies (Democrats only)
4. The Hush Money Slush Fund

She just keeps giving, and not to charity, but to humour bloggers.

But things are looking up, she just got an endorsement from...

FIDEL CASTRO!

That's right, Hollywood's favourite homophobic, free-speech suppressing, political opponent executing dictator said that a Hillary/Obama ticket would be unbeatable. He should know since he's stood in sooo many real elections...

Oh wait, he hasn't.

Anyhoo. He made this pronouncement by moving Madame Opal's Ouija board pointer to spell out their names and then rapped on the table 3 times to signal his endorsement.

Hillary responded by saying that she was flattered by being endorsed by someone as good as crushing his enemies as Castro, but preferred a big whopping pile of cash.

ENVIRONMENTALIST PATRICK MOORE royally pimp-slapped Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio's enviro screed where he, Deepak Chopra, and that guy with the beard tell us how you've doomed your planet.

You Earthlings are lucky, at least the trees on your planet don't fight back like they do on mine. Christmas is a dangerous time with them in the house.

Anyhoo, time to go.

So remember to have fun, because you never know if tomorrow will bring a homicidal horde of android troopers to your door.

News of the Earth #10: Lazy Day Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings. No group post today, most of the guys are spending some time with their families and mistresses before getting the little rug-rats packed off to school, or at least that's their excuse, and I'm feeling lazy.

So here's another NEWS OF THE EARTH!

MICHAEL VICK held his first news conference since pleading guilty to federal charges over his dog fighting ring. He said he was sorry and that he found Jesus. Jesus, like all of Vick's acquaintances, turned states evidence and declared that he was only sorry he was caught.

ATTORNEY GENERAL GONZALES RESIGNED but Congressional Democrats declared that they will keep up with their investigations of everything Gonzalez ever did since the first grade and he put a frog in Lucy Johnson's Gomer Pyle lunch-box. Thank God for that, if they didn't keep the subpoenas flying they might actually do something constructive.

IT WOULDN'T BE AN ELECTION without a CLINTON MONEY SCANDAL in the offing. It seems people are amazingly able to give more to Hillary's campaign than they can afford, and it all goes back to an old fundraising buddy of the Clintons. Phew, I was starting to get worried that she was getting off her game, but she still managed to pull it off.

SENATOR LARRY CRAIG (R-The Closet') declared to the planet Earth that he is not gay after being busted for lewd behaviour in an airport washroom. I don't see any reason for him to be happy after being publicly humiliated by being arrested in a freaking washroom....

... Oh, he's not happy kind of gay he's homosexual kind of gay.

Oops.

I don't care if anyone's a homosexual, heterosexual, or trysexual, as long as their behaviour involves strictly consenting adults, but being busted trolling for tail in a freaking public bathroom is the sort of thing a washed up celebrity would do to get in a gossip rag, not a Senator, or anyone with an actual job. Sweet mother of monkeys, doesn't Washington have some sort of discreet service to handle that kind of thing?

And when he got busted, he tried to bully his way out of the charge by swinging his Senatorial schlong around, thus making it an even bigger story.

That transcends simple stupid into complete and total idiocy.

He should be tossed out of the Senate, and out of the Republican Party, not for being gay, but for thinking through his zipper and acting like a Democrat.

That's all for now, as I said, I'm feeling lazy, so keep watching the skies, because we might be watching you...

-----------------------

UPDATE: According to the ABC news coverage that I watched on the hyperwave link-- the 'signal' Senator Craig allegedly gave for homosexual sex was that he tapped his foot when he went into a stall.

He tapped his foot. He didn't say: "Hello sailor, looking for a good time." or "I could really go for some dirty bathroom man on Senator action," or "Wanna see my Washington Monument?" He just tapped his foot, that was 'the signal.'

That makes the whole 'gay' thing a bit on the iffy side now, but it doesn't excuse his attempts to use his Senatorial status to worm out of it, when he should have hired a lawyer, and let them bully the case into oblivion, that's the American way.

The more I hear of the story, the more I think it's a case of an overreacting cop meeting an overreacting Senator.

And another question. Why did the media sit on the story for 3 months?

Was the Senator's recent leftward tack a strategy to get the press on his side.

As Drudge says...

...developing.

The Leftist Mind: Magical Thinking

Greetings puny Earthlings.

It's time to take another dip into that political snake-pit known as THE LEFTIST MIND.

In the past we've discussed how the leftist mind is essentially narrow-minded, bigoted, and fearful of facts and debate, today we'll discuss where the leftist mind goes when its mindset is challenged by reality...

THE
LAND
OF
MAKE BELIEVE!

Stick with me on this, we're not taking a trip to where the wild things are. We're going to show how the left, who brag about their subtle and nuanced intellectual processes, actually think on extremely simplistic terms.

I can boil it down to this:

All problems have one simple cause.

And the size of that cause doesn't matter, it has magical powers!

All problems have one simple solution.

A one stop panaceae that will cure all and usher in an era of sunshine and puppies!

It's just that easy, but to go further, let's look at some examples...

How the Left sees it:

The problem: 3rd World Poverty

The cause: America is too rich and that wealth sucks the life out of the 3rd World because there is no such thing as economic growth, only the Zero Sum game of having and not having.

The solution: Drain billions of dollars from America every year and give it away as aid to 3rd world governments.

How it works in the real world:

The problem: 3rd World poverty

The cause: Corruption and incompetence in their own governments that maintain their power through the exploitation of tribal/ethnic prejudices, superstition, violence, and the billions of dollars of Western aid delivered every year.

The solution: Revolutionize 3rd world societies by destroying their governments right down to the tribal level and offering real free market opportunities to the people, without the involvement or interference of politicians.

You see, the real situation and the solution is a tad more complicated, and some might say impossible for anyone not capable of dropping hordes of heavily armed battle-droids from high orbit.

Another prime example is how the left views the American government. Now they can't be bothered with the immense amount of variables that any state has to deal with, they must boil it down to one simple problem:

KARL ROVE

Now Rove is a political campaign consultant, whose greatest gift is spotting the weaknesses of his political opponents and exploiting them.

But that's not enough for the leftists.

No way.

For Karl Rove to fit into their 'one problem/one solution' mindset he has to be more than a campaign operative, he has to be Beelzebub in a suit from Sears. He has to be the man who knows all, sees all, and above all, is the mephistophelean puppet master behind all.

He somehow made Richard Armitage blow Valerie Plame's cover as revenge for her husband's stance against the Bush-Hitler-Halliburton conspiracy!

He somehow stole the election in 2000 by making the Florida vote count turn to Bush!

He somehow masterminded 9/11 by somehow getting Al Qaida and facets of the US government to cooperate in a massive conspiracy in under 8 months!

He has become magical.

That's why you'll find folks on the Left leaping on every rumour and tall tale about Rove as fact. Take for example this recent debate between Fox News' Chris Wallace and PBS brahmin Bill Moyers over Rove's religious affiliation...





I think it was GK Chesterton who said about people without any real spiritual belief outside of feeding their own ego, that those who don't believe in God end up believing in anything and everything.

Including that a clever political consultant could somehow be both god-like in his powers, and demonic in his personality.

Moyers didn't feel the need to fact check his sources, or just ask the man himself, the notion of a hypocritical 'dirty little secret' fit the magical narrative in his mind, so he was compelled to believe it.

And it goes on...

The cause of all wars?

America and its military industrial complex.

The solution to all wars?

Surrendering America and it's allies and making it powerless, then everyone will love them.

The weather changes?

America's very existence threatens the planet.

The solution to the environment?

Force America into a 3rd World lifestyle.

Don't like the Bush Administration?

Call for a military coup!

Yeah, that works out so well for everyone.

I hope this magical little piece has illuminated and inspired you. Now keep watching the skies, because we're watching you...

And to keep our visit stats up, here's a stack of money!

And for Vox Poplar, who is on a blogging break until some time in mid-September, here's a pic of his fave celebrity, Kari Byron.

Enjoy.

News of the Earth #9: Dead & Buried Edition

Greetings all you Earthlings.

It's your pal Xran here with another edition of...

NEWS OF THE EARTH!

FIDEL CASTRO IS DEAD! No really he is this time. This is not another rumour. Okay, it is another rumour, but we're pretty sure he's dead. I mean he's been looking pretty corpse-like lately, so it's only a matter of time. Time Fidel has been borrowing for some time now, and his sub-prime lender is going belly-up. (Now that's good satire)

And in a related (sort of) matter...

THE INTERNET IS DEAD! At least according billionaire loudmouth Mark Cuban. He's got a good source for that, his HDNet Dan Rather got a fax from a Kinko's in Abilene telling him so. You can't do better than that.

Did you catch how they're related? Cuban dictator dead- Mark Cuban says internet is dead... come on, that's really clever!

SENATOR WARNER CALLS FOR PULLOUT! A Senator whose been politically dead for years, John Warner, has found the way to transform himself from weak-willed RINO and professional chair filler for the Senate chamber to a "respected and important member of the GOP." He joins the Democrats in calling for a pull out of Iraq, though he only asks for a few thousand before Christmas. I guess only asking for a partial surrender makes him more conservative than those who ask for total surrender, but not by much.

FREE CARTOON SPEECH IS DEAD! Normally liberal cartoonist Berkely Breathed's comic strip Opus has been censored by several newspaper for the next couple of weeks for fear of drawing the ire of CAIR and their special combo of threats and intimidation that makes them so lovable.

Thats all for today folks!

The Zawahiri Report

Greetings puny Earthlings, once again our advanced alien technology has come through with the big scoop.

We've intercepted Al Qaeda #2 Ayman Al-Zawahiri's latest taped message to his whacky followers where he comments on recent events.

So listen up.

-----------------------

I'd like to start with a shout out to all my homies in the international jihad. You go guys, you put the fun in fundamentalist dictatorships

First, I'd like to talk about George W. Bush comments where he compared the current conflict in the Land Between the 2 Rivers and Vietnam.

Well, he's sort of right.

It's an asymmetrical war where the American imperialist/Zionist army fought against a force (my peeps) that doesn't follow those silly and decadent western rules of warfare and decent behaviour. Hell they set a 5 year old on fire for kicks today, that ain't the sort of thing those lily-livered Yankee swine-hounds would do.

Iraq was also a conflict where that same ruthless force was getting it's buttocks handed to them on a plate by the American forces. Hell, all the experts knew that the Viet-Cong were bitch-slapped up-side and down-side the head and left crippled by the American Imperialists at the Tet Offensive.

But like Iraq the anti-American force had an ally willing to convince the nation that the victory was actually a defeat, and got the Democrats to sacrifice Vietnam to the communists thus sparking an age of genocide and slaughter, that was just totally wrong, since it wasn't in the name of Islam.

The Vietnamese had Walter Cronkite.

We have Sen. Harry Reid.

Though I would like to say that on a tactical level, he kind of jumped the gun when he raised the white flag before the offensive began. The boys in the cave call it a case of "Premature Evacuation." We all had a good laugh, then I had the boys beheaded, because Wahabiism forbids laughter.

At least I think it does.

It bans everything else.

But hey, in this game you can't really pick your friends, you just gotta stick with the yahoos that'll deliver victory to you, so you can behead them later.

But before the beheadings, I'd like to put a shout out to you Democrats, keep reaching for power, the sooner you get it, the sooner we can win, and it better be soon because we are getting our ass served to us on a frigging platter!

Don't let those dreadful poll numbers get you down. Your media friends will hide them for you, and keep doing everything they can to make Bush look bad.

I'd also like to put a shout out to the infidel pig-dogs at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. When the imperialist FBI wanted them to run this picture of two young men witnesses said were "acting suspiciously" on a Seattle ferry.

Fearing a possible boycott by the 1,700 members of CAIR, the Seattle Post Intelligencer bravely refused to do the satanic bidding of the sow-bitches of the Federal Bureau of Imperialism, and ran a haiku contest about the alert instead.

Now while I like that the folks at the paper acted like good dhimmis, I will have to note that they will still be slaughtered and their children drowned in a river of blood, because I'm pretty sure that haiku and all other poetry is on Allah's shit-list. It's a long list, and while even I don't know it all, I'm gonna err on the side of caution and assume that it is.

Though I would also like to add to all you boys who are down with the whole jihad thing, that the photo in question illustrates a problem that we have.

It's called recruitment.

Those two look like rejects from a casting call for '24.' And they were rejected for being "too on the money" for the part.

I know we're losing men and material by the hundreds every month, and that we're pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel, but we gotta try harder. I don't know if those two goofballs are my boyz, but they're trying really hard to look like it.

Come on people, you gotta blend in a little if you're gonna rack up the body counts we need!

Well, I gotta run folks. Another day, another cave.

Death to America!

What is Your Major Malfunction?

Being a cyborg I find that I have a rather unique position when it comes to understanding both organic and machine behavior.

But there are some times when the behavior of humans begs me to ask the question:

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

Don't say you don't ask that question yourself, because then you'd be a liar.

So I'd like to pose variations of this question to various Earthlings...

MICHAEL VICK: You had a career with the NFL that could have netted you a fortune in the hundreds of millions of dollars. Yet you pissed it all away to feel like a 'big time gangsta' running a decidedly small time dog-fighting operation. Now you've plead guilty, the homies, who you ran the dogfights to impress, have ratted you out to save their own hides, and your name is now synonymous with hurting animals, which makes you lower than pond scum in the books of the average American.

Was it worth it?

Couldn't you see what discovery would do to you?

Are you that twisted that you'll toss everything you worked for away just to be cruel?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

DEMOCRATS: I know you need America to be trembling and weak in order for your party to grab and maintain power, but is it necessary to tear the nation apart while it's in the middle of a war? And you're so wishy-washy about it. You declared the surge a failure before it started, the war lost before it was finished, and now that it looks like America may just win despite you, you're now taking credit for the 'surge' and now want the democratically elected Iraqi government taken down.

Are you so blinded with hatred of Bush, a lust for power, and the donations of shady hedge fund operators that you can't see that the world is in an existential struggle between the 21st century world of the West, and the mythical 7th century world of the radical Islamist?

Is getting control of congress and the presidency worth it when it will mean the deaths of thousands, if not millions, of people in the future?

Why do you hate democracy so much, when you've named your party after it?

Do you really place any value on what you claim are your values?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

ROSIE O'DONNELL: A recent quasi-haiku screed of yours basically said that lying causes cancer. That has about as much scientific merit as claiming that fire does not melt steel, but it is still a strange, narrow minded, and cruel thing to say.

How can you say that when you've built your entire career on the lie of pretending to be nice, when deep down you're full of anger, resentment, bitterness and hatred?

How can you hate a nation that allowed someone like you, devoid of looks, personality, or talent, to become a rich and successful entertainer?

How can you honestly believe that the American government engineered 9/11/01?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS: Isn't it time we let this whole 'body art' fad to rest.

How does getting a tattoo declare your 'individuality,' when over 1/3 of people under 50 have at least one?

Doesn't that make you just part of the herd?

Why would you put a picture you wouldn't put on your wall permanently on your body?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Okay Vlad, the Russian economy's chugging along, thanks to its oil and gas reserves, but things aren't all that rosy. The country's population is collapsing, Islamists are poised to take over, China's nipping at your outer edges, yet you insist on standing as an enemy to the West, while coddling the very people who want to carve your country up.

Don't you realize that the West is the only chance Russia has to survive?

Why are you trying to restart the Cold War with the USA, when there is a hot one between civilization and Islamist barbarism?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

TRUST FUND ANARCHISTS: Lord save us all from you obnoxious dorks in your masks and hooded sweatshirts who are able to attend every goofball political protest because Daddy is the biggest car dealer in Portland Oregon and will pay for the lawyers and restitution to get you out of trouble.

Do you honestly think that smashing windows will somehow help your cause, or are you just a bunch of dicks?

And why do you think that you have the right to throw rocks at police, and that the police have no right to beat your pasty white ass for doing it?

Do you honestly believe that trying to storm a summit meeting to 'arrest' George W. Bush for 'crimes against humanity' makes you look like anything other than the political equivalent of a spoiled brat who overdosed on too much Chomsky and not enough reality?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

That's all for now. I'll probably come up with more later, so until then, stay on point!

News of the Earth #8: British Bastard Castration Edition

First a story about nutless Brits...

-The BBC, which can't ban people from its forums for offending Muslims fast enough, took their sweet time deleting a comment that referred to Jesus Christ as a "bastard." The BBC denied that there's a 'double standard' when it comes to allowing any self-proclaimed streetcorner theologian to hurl rude slanders against Christians and Jews while at the same time it directly bans any serious and polite discussion about the state of Islam. Of course there isn't a double standard, Christians and Jews don't normally slit throats or bomb buildings when offended. They just change the channel, which is apparently happening a lot to the BBC these days.

Hell, when British actors are emigrating to work in American TV because the "standards of quality" are higher, the BBC is in real trouble.

And now a story about other British Bastards...

-Apparently a lot of people in Britain are worried about the rise of drunken, violent "yob culture" which is causing a massive spike in violent crime in the UK.

Well here's a solution from back in the days when the BBC had a pair...

-----------------------

UPDATE: In keeping with it's dhimmi traditions, the BBC medical drama CASUALTY, dropped a storyline about Islamic Extremist setting off a bomb, for fear of offending Muslims with something called REALITY.

Lies, Damn Lies, & New Reports

Greetings puny Earthlings, Remulak MoxArgon here, and I'm looking for answers.

I'd like you read this article in American Thinker, that outlines over 60 instances of plagiarism, bias, and outright lying in the Mainstream Media.

There were the usual suspects, The New York Time, New Republic, CNN, Boston Globe, AP, and Reuters, but I couldn't help but notice that one outlet was missing.

Where was Fox News?

According to some critics all Fox News does is lie about everything as part of some dark Karl Rove/ Zionist/ Masonic/ Big Oil conspiracy.

Now I can't get Fox News over the hyperwave because our hyperwave provider is like your Earthling cable provider, a suckhole.

So I would like to ask you Earthlings why Fox News isn't on that list, or why it should be.

Now don't give me vague generalities accusing them of things like reporting that Saddam was behind 9/11. Better researchers than I have gone through it all, and can't find any evidence of that.

I want video of a knowingly faked Fox News story that wasn't just a repeat of what some supposedly reliable wire service told them, or a pundit offering their opinion.

I want something that isn't true being presented as news, and you better have more evidence than just Kos telling you so. Because if that's all you got, I'm whipping out the plasma cannons.

I really want to know why the only news outlet not slammed with scandal seems to be the most criticized.

That should get the trolls going ballistic in the comments section.

That's all.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you...

...and one last taste of the delicious Billie Piper.

Don't say I don't take good care of you Earthlings.

An Android Among The Stars #15: Here's the Pitch.

Greetings puny organics.

Remulak told me to check out the latest rant by Libertas blogger Dirty Harry about Hollywood's overwhelmingly anti-American stance.

Well as a logical being, I found it hard to believe that Earthlings who enjoy wealth, fame and success far beyond their talents or intellect would be so suicidal as to take the side of the opposition in an existential struggle as the current war against Islamist fascism. So I decided to investigate it myself by listening in on what's called a pitch meeting between a writer and a studio executive.

-------

WRITER- You're gonna love this idea, it's got everything, action, romance, special effects, it's got that 'ripped from the headlines' kinda vibe and is so tight not even Brett Ratner can ruin it.

EXEC- My nipples are hard just hearing about it. What's the title?

WRITER- It's called "Dirty Bomb."

EXEC- Love it, love it, it sounds dirty. What's the plot?

WRITER- An American soldier on leave from Iraq, played by Matt Damon, discovers that Islamic terrorists are going to set off a dirty bomb in the middle of a mid-western American city. Then it's a race against time for him to stop the plot and save the woman he loves, played by Jessica Alba.

EXEC- Love it! I love it. If that script was a woman I would cheat on my wife with it.

WRITER- Then we have a deal?

EXEC- Hell no.

WRITER- What's wrong with it?

EXEC- Nothing. I love the script. I truly, madly and deeply love the script. If it was a man, I would turn gay and we'd get married in Massachusetts. But there's no way in hell this, or any other, studio in Hollywood is going to make that film.

WRITER- Why not?

EXEC- First, you have an American soldier, an Iraq war vet, as the hero. That is just so wrong on so many levels.

WRITER- What's wrong with having an American soldier as the hero?

EXEC- All American soldiers must be portrayed as psychopathic, war-mongering, uneducated redneck losers. That's the truth we see around Malibu.

WRITER- Maybe I can have him being troubled by flashbacks of gunning down a mosque full of babies.

EXEC- And make him want to set off the bomb himself, to satisfy his militarist lust for blood and carnage. Plus, you need a new villain.

WRITER- What's wrong with the villain?

EXEC- You're not allowed to show Islamist terrorist killing people.

WRITER- But Islamic terrorists kill people everyday.

EXEC- Shhh! CAIR might be listening. And if you displease them, you displease all Muslims. At least that's what they tell us. They could sue us, or kill us, and that's bad.

WRITER- Who can be the villain? Who would want to set off a dirty bomb in a mid-western city?

EXEC- German Neo-Nazis are always good in a pinch. Or they could be crazy Christians.

WRITER- Aren't you worried about offending Christians?

EXEC- Naw, they don't sue, or cut throats. We can say what we want about those inbred Bible thumping Jesus freaks and get away with it.

WRITER- How about German Neo-Nazi Christians?

EXEC- I'm liking it, I'm liking it. We certainly can't make them Pagan vegetarian socialists, they've never harmed anyone. Oh, and make them connected to Republicans and Global Warming.

WRITER- Why?

EXEC- We have to make the Republicans look bad. So have the head Neo-Nazi Christian look like Dick Cheney. And instead of German, let's make them Southern Americans, we don't want to offend the German market. Them Southern hillbillies are too busy burning books and humping their cousins to go to the movies anymore.

WRITER- Okay. But why include Global Warming?

EXEC- Because I have a sh*tload of stock in Al Gore's company, and I gotta sell a lot of offsets to be forgiven for my stretch Escalade.

WRITER- Sounds reasonable.

EXEC- And make sure that it all comes out that it's really a CIA front operation. Some kind of Reichstag fire deal to make America the fascist dictatorship it is today.

WRITER- Gotcha. Anything else?

EXEC- Let's see, we have a psychotic American soldier fighting a bunch of Southern Neo-Nazis for the right to set off a bomb for the CIA, thus allowing an evil right wing-coup to destroy the country. Sounds about right. And be sure to have someone looking wistfully at the flag and give a speech about how great America used to be, you know, before the Republicans came along. We don't want anyone questioning our patriotism.

WRITER- It's a pretty major rewrite.

EXEC- All you have to remember kid is that Republicans are evil, and you'll go far in Hollywood.

-------------------------

Well, that was very.... illuminating.

--END COMMUNICATION--

BEWARE MY FELLOW LIBERALS!

Karl Rove has resigned.

Progressives around the world are currently rejoicing, even though there is no god, at the Prince of Darkness & source of all that is evil, leaving the White House.

But don't rejoice too quickly.

Look at this picture taken at the press conference where he announced his resignation.

Look at that smirk.

LOOK AT IT!

HE'S UP TO SOMETHING!

BE AFRAID!

BE VERY AFRAID!!

An Android Among The Stars #14: Because Hollywood CAIRs.

Greetings semi-sentient organic life forms of Earth.

I have returned from my brief recharge to bring you more news from your over-hyped and over-exposed Hollywood media circus. Although this is a change of pace from the usual litany of talentless Hollywood starlets stumbling out of rehabilitation centres in a chemically induced haze and into jail cells. I wish to take a moment to discuss a serious matter. It appears that the normally feisty Weinstein Brothers are having the script to one of their upcoming box-office failures rewritten in order to remove a scene about an Iranian father murdering his daughter in a so-called 'honour killing.' This was done under pressure from an Iranian American 'human rights group' and the Council of American Islamic Relations or CAIR.

Now why did the Weinsteins, who normally brook no interference with their studio, do this?

Was it because of CAIR's large membership and commercial clout?

No. CAIR has only around 1,700 members, only the media believes them to be the voice of America's Muslim community.

Was it because honour killings are just a racist myth?

No. Honour killings are quite common in Islamic countries and are reaching epidemic proportions among Western Europe's increasingly radicalized Islamic enclaves. Every day young women are being murdered or maimed in the name of family honour, while many wish it was a myth, it is a reality.

Was it out of a desire to not offend anyone?

No. There are reports that the upcoming film will contain segments that would be considered offensive to Christians and Jews, so it's obvious that the Weinsteins don't mind offending some people.

So why?

The answer is simple.

Theo Van Gogh

If you do not recall the case, he was a Dutch filmmaker who was brutally murdered by an Islamist extremist for making a film that offended Muslims.

The Weinstein Bros are like most Hollywood liberals, essentially spineless, they won't endanger themselves for their art, and they know that insulting and degrading Christians and Jews will still allow them to keep their mantle as "edgy" filmmakers without courting any real danger. Christians and Jews don't normally slit throats over movies.

However, offending Muslims carries the real threat of violence and murder, look at the global body counts racked up in the Islamic world over films, books, and even cartoons.

And that's the real insult to America's Muslims.

CAIR claims that its tactics, a mix of threatened litigation coupled with the implied threat of terrorism, is to prevent a "backlash" against the American Muslim community, while they know full well that the opposite is true.

CAIR and its brethren crave a real violent backlash, something a little more drastic than the usual petty vandalism and the occasional stink bomb committed by dimwitted thugs. They want to neuter any attempts America makes to secure itself, while at the same time promoting the stereotype of the enraged and offended Muslim.

Nothing would make CAIR happier than to see Islamic blood flowing on American streets, because it would allow them radicalize America's predominantly moderate Muslim population and bring them under its Wahhabiist thumb.

If America's Muslim population truly wants to survive, because if there is one thing Earth's history has taught us, is that when the Western World dishes out a backlash, it is truly a horrific event, they must break the hold groups like CAIR hold on the public imagination. They must take back their voice, and they should demand that the script be restored to its original form.

Sure, it will still be the sort of nonsensical liberal claptrap that's been costing the Weinstein Company's investors hundreds of millions of dollars, but at least it won't be censored by thugs.

Because the only thing that can prevent CAIR's backlash is real, open, and honest discussion about Islam and its role in the world. Which is exactly what CAIR doesn't want. Isn't that enough reason to demand it?

-END COMMUNICATION-

ADDENDUM: Remulak has ordered me to acquiesce to "popular" demand and post another picture of a woman named Billie Piper. Since I find the whole practice of jumping at any weak excuse to post what Remulak calls "cheesecake" illogical when you are supposed to be discussing real issues, I will post a picture Remulak does not like.He says it looks "too photoshopped" which is some sort of aesthetic judgement best left to organics.

The Leftist Mind: You Are So Gay!

Greetings puny Earthlings, it's your future Lord & Master Remulak MoxArgon here with a few more thoughts on The Leftist Mind.

Recently News Maven Matt Drudge ran a story about Daily Kos' life book-writing partner getting turkey-slapped with a $30G fine by the SEC for an unethical stock thingamabob.

How did the Daily Kos react to this exposure of high finance shenanigans, supposedly the life's blood of liberal journalism?

One diarist said that Matt Drudge was a homosexual.

Oookaay.

Now I could be a smart-ass and say that it's all a case of "methinks he doth protesteth too mucheth," and rename the site the Gaily Kos, but I won't.

Because unlike them, I'm not a neurotic homophobe.

You see the Leftist Mind is one of inverse values and beliefs, look at my previous post for some evidence, and you can be pretty sure that whatever they claim to be for is the exact opposite of what they really believe.

They claim to value life, yet support abortion on demand, regardless of the alternatives that exist.

They claim to hold all races as equal, yet their programs keep ethnic and racial minorities held down as perpetual "victims" and treat them in a patronizing and insulting manner.

They claim to support women's rights, but outside of abortion are unwilling to do or say anything against rape, forced marriage, female genital mutilation, and the abuse virtual slavery of women in Islamist fundamentalist societies.

They claim to support democracy and its values, yet continually coddle and support homicidal dictatorships while slamming democratic nations who try to spread liberty.

They claim to support freedom of speech, but yearn for the power to censor all speech they don't agree with.

They claim to fight prejudice, but don't ask for their help if you're an oppressed Christian.

And finally...

They claim to support the rights of homosexuals to live free and easy lives, yet if you criticize them, they will accuse you of being gay and then say that it disqualifies you from doing your job.

But why?

Are they raging homophobic hypocritical nut-jobs?

Are they afraid of anyone challenging their ideas and positions with reasoned debate and facts?

The answer is a little of column A and a little of column B.

They believe that all dissent from the Political Leftist Mindset must be crushed. And since most still cling to prejudices they claim to stand against, homophobia is a fave smear tactic of choice.

"You don't agree with me! You're gay!"

"You bring up my wrongdoings! You're gay!"

You accuse people who disagree with you of being gay, you're a fascist.

And by request here's some more Billie Piper...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and we're definitely watching her....

The Leftist Mind: Beyond Good & Evil

Greetings puny Earthlings. Sorry it's been a while, spent a little holiday time with the family, and ended up needing a holiday to recover from the holiday. But I'm back, and transmitting again. I'd like to go back to a topic I've talked a lot about lately called the Leftist Mind, and they're concepts of good and evil.

An understanding of what is good and what is evil is essential for any civilization, even one as primitive as yours, but the Leftist Mind has a rather skewed notion of the topic.

Let's break it down.

The CIA subverting a 3rd World terrorist supporting dictatorship.
EVIL

The CIA subverting an elected Republican administration in the USA.
GOOD

Corporations that make huge profits from providing both wanted and essential goods and services.
EVIL

Hedge funds that make huge profits driving up unemployment and economically crippling poor nations.
GOOD

Conservatives freely boycotting music, movies and books for expressing insulting and anti-American views.
EVIL

3rd World dictator imprisoning and/or executing critics and their families while often violently shutting down media sources.
GOOD

Opposing gay marriage because of religious beliefs.
EVIL

Imprisoning and executing homosexuals because of religious beliefs.
GOOD

Using intelligence from reliable sources to justify toppling a mass murdering dictator who has declared war on your country.
EVIL

Blatantly lying in order to subvert the war effort against fascist dictatorships.
GOOD

Supporting your nation's troops in wartime who are trying to obey difficult rules of engagement against a ruthless and violent enemy.
EVIL

Falsifying stories of atrocities to make you nation's troops look bad and help an enemy that deliberately tortures and murders civilians.
GOOD

The Ten Commandments. (not the movie)
EVIL

Sharia law.
GOOD

Openly and freely discussing the tenets of Islamist fundamentalism.
EVIL

Deliberately slandering Christians and Jews.
GOOD

Defending what you say are your fundamental beliefs.
EVIL

Supporting the destruction of Western Civilization even though it would mean the end of everything you claim to believe in.
GOOD

If any of you have any other examples, drop them off in the 'pleas' section, and in the spirit of shameless stat-whoring that's made this blog great, here's another picture of money.
You gotta give the people what they want.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.